I am now convinced that Chris Pratt is on a mission to destroy everything I’ve ever loved. Knowing my luck, he’s soon going to be cast in the live-action She-Ra adaptation alongside James Corden and Gina Carano, and when that happens I’ll have a justifiable reason to leave behind this mortal coil forever. He’s not quite the harbinger of the apocalypse, but he comes pretty damn close. Okay, maybe that’s a little much, but hear me out.
What I’m saying is that Pratt has become Hollywood’s generic leading man. He’s attractive, charismatic, and is now a household name that almost everyone I know is familiar with. Jurassic World and Guardians of the Galaxy saw to that, seeing the actor portray the same low-key misogynistic hero with a shit-eating grin who ends up saving the day and getting the girl. In Passengers, he wakes up Jennifer Lawrence from cryosleep on a ship serving as humanity’s last hope purely because he’s a bit horny. It’s gross, and I’m always baffled that the masses are so willfully charmed by his good looks and playful banter. However, I think the tide is beginning to turn.
It all started when Chris Pratt was cast as Mario in the upcoming animated film, a reveal that still feels like a fever dream. It’s so absurd, so outside the realm of possibility that it feels like Nintendo is pulling an elaborate prank to fuck us over. Jack Black as Bowser? Sick. Charlie Day as Luigi? Perfect. Anya-Taylor Joy as Peach? My boss has said this is awesome so I’m going to agree with her to avoid being sacked. But Pratt as Mario? The guy who attends a homophobic church and hunts animals because God told him to as everyone’s favourite plumber? Say it ain’t so.
Maybe it won’t be so bad. My prediction is that it will be just like the Jumanji reboot, with live-action stars being sucked into a video game where they inhabit the bodies of characters who no longer use their original voices. That or I’m just bargaining with the devil that this film won’t be the twisted nightmare we all know it’s going to be. Either way, Pratt is a criminally bad pick for Mario, and the other casting choices scream that this is a project hellbent on highlighting star power over voice acting talent. Some of them are excellent, but none feel necessary. Nobody is going to see a Mario film because Star-Lord is the guy donning the red and blue overalls. My mum might actually, but she doesn’t count.
The hell we inhabit only grew hotter earlier this week when Pratt was cast as Garfield. I thought this was a prank at first too, especially when it was announced on Monday. Chris Pratt abandoned a lifestyle of relaxation and societal norms to become a ripped Hollywood star, and that isn’t the kind of dude who should be playing Garfield - I bet he loves Mondays.
Much like Mario before it, this feels like a basic casting choice that fails to consider talent who might be better suited for the job. I’m not taking anything away from Pratt. He’s clearly an excellent actor with a catalogue of work to prove it, and I don’t know enough about the guy to label him as a bigoted homophobe purely because of his hobbies and the church he attends. That feels like jumping to conclusions, something that is done far too often nowadays. Don’t get me wrong, folks who show their entire asses online like Ronda Rousey and Gina Carano deserve everything that comes to them., Yeut they’re still hugely successful, so it feels like we’re barking up the incorrect tree at times like this.
This won’t be the last role Pratt is gifted that he is heinously unsuited for, because Hollywood has a habit of riding these trends until they inevitably end in disaster. I don’t see Chris Pratt pulling a Matthew McConaughey as he shifts into serious roles and scoops up an Academy Award. He’s charming and talented, but we’ve seldom seen this transfer into a film or television series that shows he can carry the emotional weight of an entire dramatic arc.
I still believe that if he hadn’t acted like a big baby throughout Infinity War that Thanos would have never succeeded in executing the snap. Star-Lord ruined everything, just like Chris Pratt is unknowingly poisoning the well of countless classics because he’s the big name that will draw in mainstream crowds. That’s good enough for the Hollywood machine I suppose, and there’s nothing we can do about it. So long, Gay Bowser, I’ll see you in conversion therapy.