Okay, okay, okay, I know you're anxious to get to the main event, but, before we begin, I want to take a brief poll. Don’t be nervous, as your answers will be completely confidential. Just raise your hand if the question applies to you: Have you viewed adult materials or played video games in the last twenty-four hours? Really? None of you are raising your hand? Ohhh…
The internet has a little thing you’ve probably heard about called Rule 34, which reads: If it exists, there’s pictures of it naked. I remember the days of my youth when we still challenged rule 34 by posting things we thought nobody could have made naughty: Curious George, Sriracha Hot Sauce, Kirby. Bit by bit, jpeg by jpeg, we came to realize that on the internet nothing is sacred, not even our favorite video game characters. Years later, even professional adult film production companies are catching on to the mysterious power of ruining all things innocent and have started giving video game characters the, uh, full treatment.
So, I put my browser in incognito mode and plumbed the depths. What you’ll find below is the fruits of what I’m going to call my “research” digging past the fan-art, the cosplay and the cgi to present to you the top quality, professionally produced, 100% real live action versions of video games as re-imagined by the adult entertainment industry. So grab a damp rag, wipe down that joystick, and make sure those headphones are plugged in as we explore fifteen very adult versions of your favorite video games.
15 "Drop the Soap" Mactavish
I had hopes that this video would capitalize on the extremely cinematic qualities of Modern Warfare’s solo campaigns: sweeping shots of beautiful landscapes, intricate relationships, betrayals aplenty, Captain Price’s quivering mustache. Alas, it was not to be. This film from Tom Byron Pictures is just an opportunistic title of women in camouflage having steamy encounters with regular non-heroes. I mean, the men aren’t even wearing kit; they’re in button-downs and they’re in very comfortable looking bedrooms and… Hey I had those pillows growing up. And also, there are a bunch of women in it, which is absolutely not faithful to the original. 3/10.
Oh, my editor is telling me I’m not really supposed to be “reviewing” these per se. Seems like a waste of my hard earned expertise, but who am I to argue?
One thing I'm not sure I want when I’m watching an adult video is a title card that reads “The Virus is Spreading.” Left 4 Head, the low budget parody of Left 4 Dead, is something really special, in all of the worst ways. There are multiple installments that adapt various moments, encounters, and creatures from the game. We follow Blowey, we we'd know as Zoey, as she makes her way across the city and encounters a Smoker, a Witch, a Boomer, the Horde, and of course, a Tank.
What’s great is that each segment begins with a little “in-world” scenario such as Zoey running out of ammo and searching through closets for more when she unwittingly shines her flashlight on the Witch. The costumes are hilariously low budget, especially the Tank, who is wearing an Incredible Hulk costume with a zombie mask.
13 Very, Very Solid Snake
We’re in the high budget here, boys. Everything that Call of Booty could have been, Metal Rear is. A helicopter goes down over the desert and Snake is sent out to retrieve what was on board. We see him strolling across the dunes, cigar in mouth, eyepatch on. We spend… actually a surprising amount of time just watching this actor smoke a cigar. It all seems like an easy mission until he comes across Hushy, Silent Assassin.
What this parody offers is all your favorite Metal Gear jokes in the context of an adult film. Snake sneaks up in a cardboard box. There’s slow motion CQC with vaguely ethnic chanting. There’s a Snake Eater pun. I think there’s something really touching about this production because it was very clearly made by people who have played the games and loved them. It has all the humor of a YouTube parody, but with an extended sex scene afterward.
12 Lara Croft: Womb Raider
Lara Croft. What haven’t you been through? The Tomb Raider might be the first real sex symbol in video games and it's no surprise. She’s smart, capable, brave and beautiful. She has nearly two dozen game titles to her name and was played (in family friendly movies) by Angelina Jolie, and an animated series by GameTap. Lara actually appears in half a dozen adult films, like Womb Raider, which is the one I’m using here because it’s honestly the best title.
Lara the character is an intelligent and intrepid archaeologist, but Lara as a sex symbol is oddly mutable. Her costume changes frequently and she holds the Guinness World Record for the character having “the most official real life stand-ins”; many consider her a cultural icon of girl power. Even the adult entertainment industry can’t bring down Lara Croft.
11 That Rogue Elf You "Online Married"
Not to be confused with the actual parody game, World of W****craft, which is also very real, I wouldn’t recommend looking for this without a strong antivirus, or at all. Always use protection! W****lore is actually an entire site that produced videos back in 2008 almost like a web series, but with sex. Most of the material seems to be hard to access, but the production made it through at least two seasons.
It’s a clever idea, really. You already know your viewer base is fine with a monthly subscription. Blizzard seems to have shut it down, though, and while proof exists that WoW once had an entire site dedicated to sexy elves in Azeroth, searching for info about the dirty WoW feels more like uncovering shameful ghosts of the mid-2000s than celebrating video game erotica.
10 Ornio And Squeegi: Super Hornio Bros.
The Mario Brothers have proved that they can do it all: golf, tennis, racing, pinball, painting, ghost busting, baseball, time travel, love-making. Wait, what? That’s right, the world’s most famous plumbers appeared in not one, but two racy films called Super Hornio Brothers in the early 90s. In the picture, King Pooper has kidnapped the princess, and intends to use her to help him travel to Earth with, no joke, a tub full of his super-charged love juice.
Luckily Ornio and Squeeqi (Mario and Luigi) and travel through a computer program to fight King Pooper. After pushing the king into the aforementioned love-juice tub, the Princess takes herself and Mario back to Earth, leaving Luigi to be captured by the revived and very angry King Pooper. While the plot sounds wild, it’s probably no stranger than the non-adult live action Mario Bros movie that came out the same year.
9 Go Trainer
Pokémon Go is the phenomenon that got casual gamers to get out of their house and go for a walk, catching Pokémon in the real world. The parody P-star Go copies the visual aesthetics of the promotional videos for the hit app, but instead of a Pokémon on the screen, our trainer (Team Valor, of course) finds anthropomorphic versions of our favorite pocket monsters who are more than eager to cuddle up with his Poké Balls.
Of course, Pokémon Go is an augmented reality app, so anybody who happens to walk by doesn’t see the pokeladies, but just a man in a bright red vest with his pants down. The whole thing is made just that much more uncomfortable when you remember that most Pokémon trainers are ten years old.
8 Liara T'Sonice
Mass Effect, the space opera that changed the face of gaming, is already known for the inclusion of some mature content. That wasn’t enough, as someone produced an adult film that plays almost like fan fiction. “Cerberus has penetrated the Citadel Council,” the prologue reads, “but who is deadly assassin Kai Leng?” Shepard needs answers, and he thinks that he can get them from Liara T’Soni. She, however, has some questions about Shepard’s relationship to Miranda.
When the Asari researcher is revealed as The Shadow Broker, Shepard pulls rank and demands answers. This parody is so detailed in its script and has such a good command of the characters that it may as well be DLC, even if the Commander spends the majority somewhat distracted from his mission.
7 Wang Chun Li vs. C*mmy
This series of mature parodies pits your favorite Street Fighter characters against one another in a fight to the finish. Get it? The mantra with Sex Fighter seems to be “make love, not war,” and with loads of ‘amateur’ spinoffs to be found littered around the internet, it seems to be a popular reinterpretation of the arcade classic.
The “Official” Street Fighter adult parody is really just good cosplay that turns dirty as a matter of course. The scenes begin with matches with health bars and special effects, which are unnervingly reminiscent of the visuals featured in Video Game High School, but it doesn’t take long before the combatants forget what they’re fighting about and start to notice how revealing their costumes are.
In a scenario that flips traditional adult film gender roles and combines some well worn material with the Final Fantasy universe, Full Service Station might just as well be a weird outtake from the game itself. When a man’s van breaks down while driving through the Eos desert, he needs sex symbol and top mechanic Cindy to fix 'er up. While Cindy "doesn’t want" to charge him, she’s got to keep her bills paid somehow. The sexy teasing is interrupted by the arrival of an aggressive troll out of nowhere, which Cindy fights off with reasonable ease, but that’s not the only monster that needs taming.
The entrance of the troll, along with the accompanying music and Cindy’s matter of fact “I’ll handle it” before she proceeds to beat it senseless with a lead pipe is comedy gold, and the man in the black tench coat is not nearly impressed enough with her skills in handling a diverse set of tools.
5 Ash's Mom, Gary's Mom, Every Trainer's Mom
It’s always confused me why mothers in the Pokémon universe were always so comfortable letting their children go on extended adventures at a young age, often without returning home for what must be months. The series of videos that go by the name Poké A Mom might just answer that question in such detail that you’ll wish I hadn’t made you ask it. Sorry, my bad.
There’s no visible tie-in to the Pokémon series in these videos, just a lot of healthy ladies enjoying some time alone in front of a camera. The title, however, which uses the Pokémon font, keeps you constantly in mind that any one of these scenes might have been shot in any one of the locked houses in any of the dozens of towns frequented by young Pokémon trainers. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before just waltzing in through somebody’s door!
4 Wiil It Fit Trainer
Wii Fit brought yoga into the home, along with an avatar who was ready to guide you into all sorts of uncomfortable positions. Well, somebody decided to take this whole thing one step further and maybe one step too far. Geki Fit is a parody of Wii Fit that is essentially 115 minutes of stretching exercises, but featuring some very questionable positions, and some sweat stains that I am calling sweat only because I don’t want to think any more about them.
Of all of the entries on this list, this is potentially the most innocent, because if you follow this routine, you will get a good workout. Then again, it’s also the strangest entry on the list so far because it maintains a level of plausible deniability. It is just a workout video after all.
3 Princess Keptana
Mortal Kombat has been infamous for its adult content, but this has usually been limited to extremely graphic violence. In this parody, the fighting is more perfunctory than with the Street Fighter entries, which is appropriate, as Mortal Kombat has never had a superior fighting engine. Don't get the name Keptana? Say it out loud.
This whole video is surreal because Shao Kahn is just sitting in his throne, impatiently watching Kitana and Johnny Cage get it on, occasionally voicing his concern that the two aren’t fighting. Kitana essentially hits the snooze button and carries on performing some intricate combos. While I half expected the video to end with Kitana ripping of Cage’s head (either one, preferably both), all I was treated to was a brutal Sexu-ality.
2 E.T. Extended Tentacle
E.T. is one of the most notorious games in history, with the infamous 1982 entry for the Atari 2600 rating so poorly that hundreds of thousands of copies were buried in a landfill in Alamogordo, New Mexico, only to be dug up decades later in 2013. It makes sense, then, that the most uncomfortable and, frankly, disgusting adult adaptation on this list would belong to the wrinkled alien. The worst part? There’s more than one. Some videos are just your standard fare adult films with an inexplicable E.T. in a dress looking on as the humans do their business, but some of them let the leathery bag in on the action.
I thought this list would be a certain amount of fun to research, but now I realize there are things I cannot unsee, and one of those things is an alien in a wig and a dress sporting an eighteen-inch tentacle in a devil's three way. I hope those actors got paid really well.
1 Peeper And Widowr*per
In 2016, Overwatch took the gaming world by storm, spawning a huge fan base and more than a little adult themed fan art. Naturally, someone picked up on Overwatch’s massive popularity and made an adult movie of it. In a battle of big guns and close quarters, characters very closely resembling the popular Reaper and Widowmaker face off in an abandoned strip club to see who can deliver the final blow.
From its origins in the early nineties, the adult versions of video games have come a long way in terms of production value, sense of humor, and costume accuracy. With production companies now having a firm grasp on what makes gamers tick, you can no doubt look forward to more adult parodies of your favorite game characters in the future.