They're cute! They're cuddly! And you've just got to catch them all...or else. They're Pokémon, of course! The world of Pokémon is a candy coated one, filled with wholesome adventure and gleeful romps through the tall grass, searching for the ever elusive creatures trainers work day in and day out to train. Yes, families and children of all ages love Pokémon, especially Pokémon like Drifloon, whose Pokédex entry says that any child that grabs onto it thinking it's a balloon might end up missing! Adorable, right?
No! It's not! It's creepy and sadistic! And that's what the world of Pokémon really is: a dangerous place seemingly completely devoid of adult supervision where children run free, capturing helpless animals in tiny prisons and forcing them to fight one another for sport. I mean, read that sentence again. I don't think I've exaggerated at all what the Pokémon games or anime are actually like. But that's just the beginning. The deeper you go into Pokémon lore, the stranger things become. Pokémon like Drifloon are just the beginning—it didn't even make the list! So if you have a weak stomach, I recommend you stop reading now. But if you want to finally take off those rose colored glasses and look at Pokémon for what it really is, then read on. This is 15 Dark Truths About Pokémon You Really Don't Want to Know.
15 Kadabra Used To Be Human
Not that it's a big deal or anything, but here's a cute little snippet from Kadabra's Podédex entry from Pokémon FireRed:
"It happened one morning - a boy with extrasensory powers awoke in bed transformed into Kadabra."
Wait, hang on, back up, back up. So not only did child wake up one morning to discover he had inexplicably turned into a Pokémon, but even before that, he was somehow gifted with extrasensory powers? How did we never hear about this child? He seems like he would be some kind of Harry Potter-esque celebrity in Pokéworld. The Boy Who Lived...And then Turned into a Kadabra. Is anyone trying to free this child? Does anyone care that this happened? Sure doesn't seem that way!
14 Drowzee Feasts On The Dreams Of Children
Aww, Drowzee! That goofy looking, sleepy Pokémon! He's just adorable. I mean, look at him, he looks like the love child of Winnie the Pooh and an elephant. He's just such a sweetheart. Oh—and according to his Pokédex entry, he sustains himself by consuming the dreams of young children. From Pokémon Silver:
"It remembers every dream it eats. It rarely eats the dreams of adults because children's are much tastier."
Well, hey, I mean, that just makes sense. I mean, what do adults dream about? Drowning? Debt? Deceased pets? Boooooring. Give me a kids dream any day, you know that's just gonna be a weird mix of colors and the pure joy that only comes from the minds of the innocent. Mmmm, I'm filling up already.
13 It Sure Seems Like You Killed Your Rival's Raticate
Often times, fan theories can take a pretty massive leap from reality and live more in the world of jumping to conclusions. However, this fan theory seems to have a lot of factual evidence to back it up in the actual Pokémon Red and Blue games.
When you fight your rival, let's call him "Gary (everyone else does)" on the SS Anne, his team consists of a level 19 Pidgeotto, a level 16 Raticate, a level 18 Kadabra, and a level 20 version of his starter Pokemon. However, when you meet him next in Pokémon Tower, which is known for being a Pokémon graveyard, Gary's Raticate is nowhere to be found. Not only that, but Gary just seems to be standing around looking at the graves. Which begs the question: who is the real hero of the Pokémon story? Gary's never killed any Pokémon (that we know of), but it sure seems like you have. Gotta catch 'em all, sure, but gotta destroy any that get in your way? That's pretty dark stuff.
12 James From Team Rocket Once Wore A Real Special Swimsuit
Prepare for trouble! Make it double! Double D that is! Ah, I crack myself up. Seriously, though, this is a pretty disturbing one so if you want to skip it, I totally understand. No? You're still in? Great. Well, I'll get right to it then, James from Team Rocket once wore an inflatable swimsuit that gave him breasts. Yes, big, beautiful breasts! Now, let's be clear here. We live in 2017, and if James decided he wanted to transition from male to female, that would be perfectly okay. However, that is not at all what happened here. What happened here, in case you missed it before, is James put on an inflatable swimsuit that gave him breasts. Big, succulent breasts. This episode did not air in America. Wonder why.
11 Meeting A Haunter Will Lead To Certain Death
Oooh, a ghost Pokémon! Spooky! I hope I don't get possessed! Hahaha, I'm just kidding. Ghost Pokémon, like all Pokémon, are not scary and are adorable. There's nothing to fear from a ghost Pokémon, just throw a Poké Ball at it or don't, and we'll be on our way. Oh, one thing really quick though about Haunter from its Pokémon Silver Pokédex entry:
"Its tongue is made of gas. If licked, its victim starts shaking constantly until death eventually comes."
Hey! General note here: not a big deal but try not to get licked by a Haunter, as you will immediately go into a seizure that will last until your eventual death. By the way, "eventual death" doesn't exactly imply that it comes quickly. Eventual death could mean like two to three days of the shakes before you finally get the sweet release of meeting your maker. Pokémon is fun!
10 All Cubones Have Dead Moms
Ever wonder why everybody's favorite diminutive bone wielding Pokémon wears that spooky lil skull helmet? Is it to protect his widdle head? Or so nobody can see his teeny weeny boogers in his itsy bits nosey? I'd guess it's probably one of the two.
"On its head, Cubone wears the skull of its dead mother as a helmet."
I mean, good lord, that is somehow both depressing and horrific all at the same time. And it raises so many questions. Does that mean every Cubone out there has a dead mom? It must! Do they die during childbirth? WHY ARE ALL THE CUBONE MOMMIES DEAD? WHY IS NO ONE DOING ANYTHING TO STOP THIS? Also, in case you missed it before, CUBONE WEARS IT'S DEAD MOTHER'S HEAD AS A HELMET. Not like, one Cubone, ALL Cubone. Sorry for the caps lock. I am very disturbed.
9 Phantumps Really Channel Their Inner Child
I'm gonna get right into this one. From Pokémon Y:
"According to old tales, these Pokémon are stumps possessed by the spirits of children who died while lost in the forest."
Now isn't that sweet? There's something that's just warm and cuddly about the idea of capturing a Pokémon that's technically a stump possessed by a dead kid that got lost in the forest. It just puts a little song in your heart when you read it. "Don't play in the woods, sweetheart! You might get lost, die, and turn into a Phantump!" "Aw mom, that's just a legend." "Nope, it's not. It's 100% real." How is this game for children??
8 Ash And Pikachu's First Battle Could Have Ended With A Smoke
In the very first episode of the Pokémon anime, Ash and his newly obtained reluctant Pikachu run into some trouble when Ash draws the ire of an entire flock of Spearow. The Spearow chase them for what seems like miles, and just as it seems they are about to meet their end, Pikachu unleashes a vicious lightning attack that decimates (kills?) all the Spearow. The next morning, Ash and Pikachu slowly wake up after sleeping across from one another. So just to summarize, even though Ash and Pikachu didn't necessarily choose to spend time with one another, in a moment of heightened passion, Pikachu lets loose a massive attack, and the next thing we know, they're waking up the next morning. Talk about a one night's Poké stand.
7 Silph Co Has A Total Monopoly On Poké Gear
Located in Saffron City, The Silph Company has a complete lock on literally everything a Pokémon trainer will need to be successful. Here's just a small sampling of the products you can purchase from, and only from, the Silph Company:
Poké Ball, Great Ball, Ultra Ball, Master Ball, Potion, Super Potion, Hyper Potion, Max Potion
The list goes on and on. So it's safe to say if you're at all serious about becoming a Pokémon trainer, you're going to be using products manufactured by Silph Co, who may as well be the Monsanto of the Pokémon world. What these guys are doing is completely illegal—they have 100% cornered the market with zero visible competition. Let's hope they never decide to start slipping a little something extra in their hyper potions...
6 Pikachu Wasn't Even Ash's Last Choice
Going back to the first episode of Pokémon, Ash oversleeps after throwing his Pokéball shaped alarm clock and is very late getting to Professor Oak's to pick his starter Pokémon. When he gets there, her attempts to select his first Pokémon.
"I've thought about it a lot," Ash says. "And it took me a long time, but I've finally decided to choose Squirtle."
But it's no dice. Squirtle's been taken. Ash then goes for Bulbasaur, followed by Charmander, none of which are available. Professor Oak tells him there's only one left, and Ash jumps at the chance to take it, literally saying "I have to have a Pokémon." Any one will do!
Ash and Pikachu warm to each other quickly over the series, but it is worth noting that if Ash hadn't smashed that alarm clock, we'd have a Pokémon: Squirtle Edition instead of Pokémon Yellow.
5 Stop Salivating Over Misty, Creep
Everybody loves Misty. She's smart, she's spunky, and above all, she's loyal, sticking with Ash for a full 280 episodes of the Pokémon anime. Not to mention, she's pretty darn cute. That shot of orange hair, those red suspenders, and short yellow shirt. Misty's quite a catch, huh?
SHE'S ALSO TEN YEARS OLD, YOU PERV.
You are disgusting. I can't believe you agreed with everything I said in that paragraph up there. I mean, for Pete's sake, this is a ten-year-old girl we're talking about! What is wrong with you? Sure, she's just a cartoon character, and yes, she maybe looks a little older than she actually is, but that doesn't matter! You should know better! I am repulsed, you hear me? Repulsed. That cosplayer in the picture is cute though, right?
4 Where Are The Parents??
What kind of bizarre, crazy world is this where parents just send their kids out into the wild the day they turn ten and literally never check in on them? We never see or meet Ash's Dad, and Ash's mom can't show up in more than like, fifteen episodes of the anime.
I get that it's a different world and that every parent is different. And I'm not judging. I'm really not. Actually, you know what, I am judging. I think if it was me I might think twice before kicking my kid out of the house as soon as they turned ten and encouraging them to go play in tall grass in search of dangerous animals. You never see Ash just take out his phone and call his mom. Just to check in. Tell her he loves her. Nope. He's too busy beating Pokémon into submission and trapping them in tiny circular prisons. Sounds like somebody's got some Mommy issues.
3 Yamask Is Working Through Some Stuff
Yamask's Pokémon Black Pokédex entry reads as follows:
"Each of them carries a mask that used to be its face when it was human. Sometimes they look at it and cry."
Yamask, I choose you! Yamask, get ready to—oh no. Oh no, he just remembered he used to be human. Oh jeez, he's crying. Yep, my Yamask is crying. Oh man, Onyx just whapped him in the head with his tail. Now he's crying harder. This is bad.
How come I didn't know until now about all these Pokémon that used to be human? That's bizarre, right? Like, why aren't more people walking around terrified they might just turn into Pokémon? Is that just something that can happen? Has Silph Co looked into making a vaccine or anything? I don't want to become a Yamask. Like, ever. I already have plenty of reasons to cry #struggle.
2 Banette Is Coming For You
Banette is actually a pretty cute little guy! Look at him. With his row of bottom teeth and those lil' purple eyes. And that bunny tail? You know what? I like Banette! He's a cutie! I wanna take one home! Let me just read up on him a bit:
"An abandoned plush doll became this Pokémon. They are said to live in garbage dumps and wander about in search of the children that threw them away."
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW SO MANY THINGS JUST BECOME POKÉMON. Is there some kind of toxic waste dump in Vermilion City that is endowing anything that falls into it with super powers? Also, this sad thing is just wandering around looking for the child that threw it away? What's it going to do when it finds the kid? Thank him? Probably not. Creepy stuff.
1 The Entire Concept Of Pokemon Is Messed Up
Arguably the most disturbing dark truth about Pokémon is the one which is most readily apparent: at its core, Pokémon is a game about hunting unsuspecting wild animals, beating them to within an inch of their life, capturing them in a tiny, uncomfortable round prison, and then training them to fight other animals to further your own personal status. And that's not some kind of far fetched (no pun intended) fan theory, that's really what the game Pokémon is about. For all of that, there are very few people throughout Ash's journey who ever question whether any of this is ethical. PETA would have a field day with this. Oh wait, they already did? #GottaFreeEmAll has a nice ring to it, actually.