Children of all ages love the Super Mario Brothers! There's no child on earth who doesn't remember their first adventure in the Mushroom Kingdom. There's a good chance if you walk up to someone and just say the words, "it's-a me," they'll respond with, "Mario!" Super Mario is just good, clean fun. Except when he's drinking blood to send demons back to hell, starring in his own "adult" film, or carrying out mass murder. "Wait," you say. "I don't remember any of that happening." Of course, you don't, because you're so blinded by your love of the Italian plumber and his adorable band of merry heroes and villains that you've been unable to see what's been under your nose the whole time. The Mario universe is one filled to the brim with salacious creatures, heinous violence, and rampant drug use.
Don't believe me? By the time you get to the end of this list, you'll never look at Mario the same way again. Or Peach for that matter. Or Bowser. Maybe Luigi. Luigi's actually not that bad. But, I digress! Onward!
Put the younglings to bed early and lock their door tight: this is 15 Facts About Super Mario Too Inappropriate for Kids.
15 Mario Captured Donkey Kong With A Whip And Threw Him In A Cage
So, Mario and Donkey Kong didn't exactly get along in the first Donkey Kong game. Donkey Kong captured his lady, Mario had to climb a bunch of ladders and get her back, let's just say they didn't end on good terms. But what does Mario do in response? He captures Donkey Kong from the wild, locks him in a cage, and then sends out his bullwhipped animal minions to stop DK's son, Donkey Kong Jr., from saving his father. I don't even know where to begin with this. Obviously, there's an element of animal cruelty here, but it's exacerbated by the fact that DK and his son are self-aware, and Jr. is watching his father dangled in front of his face before Mario sweeps him away to the next stage. Super Mario is one sick puppy.
14 Mario Once Went To Battle With Monsters From Hell
Yes, you read that correctly. Super Mario, along with Kirby and Link from The Legend of Zelda once went to battle against the worst the underworld had to offer in a comic strip featured in German gaming magazine, Club Nintendo. Simply called Super Mario in the Night of Horror, the plot of the comic is this: Mario, along with Kirby and Link, must defend their Brooklyn skyscraper and Princess Peach from Abigor, a demon, and his evil forces, which include such classic horror characters as Leatherface and Chuckie. Using Van Helsing's weapons and drinking "red serum," the Nintendo heroes are able to drive the evil back. Remarkably, this story is actually part one of a two-part arc, just in case you really need that Mario/horror itch scratched.
13 Mario Almost Had A Gun
It's hard to imagine now, but originally, a shoot-'em-up stage was planned for Super Mario Bros. From Shigeru Miyamoto: "We originally thought about having a shoot-'em-up stage where Mario jumps on a cloud and shoots at enemies"
It's crazy to imagine Nintendo's golden boy wielding a gun and dropping enemies in the Mushroom Kingdom with a bullet to the head, but it was almost a reality. For shame. What would Batman think?
Of course, the game ended up going in a very different direction, and Mario's ammunition was supplied instead by fireballs. Because setting someone on fire instead of shooting them is far more humane. Mario, you're the worst, man.
12 Mario's Mushrooms Are Psychedelic Drugs
One mushroom makes you larger, and one mushroom makes you small... Many people don't know that those happy-go-lucky red and white mushrooms actually have a real life counterpart. They're based on the Amanita muscaria, otherwise known as the fly agaric or fly amanita mushroom known for its psychoactive effects. Among them, consuming the Amanita muscaria can make one imagine objects as larger or smaller than they actually are. Which begs the question: is Mario actually getting bigger? Or is he just a drug addict who's confusing his brain? It would certainly clarify why he's seeing flying turtles and little squatty brown guys all trying to kill him. Guess Mario never saw those "this is your brain on drugs" PSAs.
11 The REAL Mario 2 Was Way Too Hard For You, Kid
Ever wonder why Super Mario Bros. 2 feels so different from the original Super Mario? It's not that it's a bad game, it's just...why am I picking vegetables now? That's because Super Mario Bros. 2 is actually a remake of a different Japanese game called Doki Doki Panic, with the game's characters subbed out for Mario characters. The actual second installment in the Super Mario franchise was never actually released in the US after testers played the game and determined it was too difficult for puny, American gamers. The real Super Mario Bros. 2 would make its way across the sea years later, under the moniker of The Lost Levels in Super Mario All-Stars. Sorry kid, but it's for your own good. The actual Mario 2 would have just made you cry.
10 Mario Is Not Aging Well
According to Super Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto, Super Mario is somewhere in the area of 24-25 years old. That's right, you read that correctly. Super Mario, a short, round, mustached man who, realistically, looks like he's probably in his early forties, is in his mid-twenties. What is going on? There are a few possible explanations. First, Mario's repeated trips to the Mushroom Kingdom, a different dimension than the one he is from, are somehow taking a toll on his brain, metabolism, and physical appearance. Another is that Mario's rampant drug use (as we learned from the previous item on this list) is catching up to him. He's like a video game Keith Richards, or something. Just another reason crack is whack, kids. And if you're a kid reading this, stop! I thought I made it clear this was not for you.
9 Mario Is A Wimp Who Likes Sewing
You know your hero, Super Mario? The coolest of the cool? The fireball-throwing, koopa stomping, shell hurling superhero who can't be stopped, even by death? Well, guess what. Turns out, all that's just a facade. At the end of the day, Mario just another wimp who's most at home with a needle and thread. Don't believe me? Well, look no further than 1986 Family Computer Disk System title I Am A Teacher: Super Mario Sweater. It's rumored that every time the title of this game is spoken out loud, a little kid somewhere throws away his Super Mario Happy Meal toy. Gameplay consisted of...well, designing sweaters. You could make a Mario sweater or even a Peach sweater. Fun. You can tell the kids about this one, just be prepared for them to never look at their red suspender-clad hero the same way again.
8 The Entire Super Mario Brothers Movie
Okay, we've been having fun up till this point right? Good, good. Listen. It's time to get serious here. This part of the list is NOT for children. Because the movie Super Mario Bros is not for children. Interestingly enough, it's actually not for adults either. Or anyone, for that matter. If you haven't seen the Super Mario Brothers movie, let me start by saying you don't ever need to. Not ever. Just look up a few images from the film, and you'll be more than all set. Here are a few highlights:
King Koopa is a person, and a large part of the film's action takes place in a city called "Dinohattan."
The film was a disaster. It flopped at the box office and with critics. Quite frankly, this movie would terrify most young children. It makes older kids cry too, but for very different reasons.
7 Bowser Had His Own Show...And It Would Terrify You
Everyone remembers The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, the Mario Brothers cartoon featuring professional wrestler Captain Lou Albano as Mario. What far fewer people remember is the short-lived King Koopa's Kool Kartoons, KKKK for short (or just "whoops" for really short), a show that featured an actor clad in a Koopa costume that managed to somehow walk the line of looking both cheap and terrifying simultaneously. The show consisted of Koopa queuing up public domain cartoons for a live audience of children, all of whom were outfitted in Koopa themed hats and shirts, which didn't do much to take away from the idea all of them were being held against their will. The show enjoyed a lengthy run from 1989-1990 and was only broadcast in Southern California. Stick to video game kidnapping, Koops.
6 There Are Two "Adult Industry" Movies Based On The Mario Games
OH, WE'RE GETTING INTO IT NOW. Yes, you read that correctly. Shot in 1993, Super Hornio Brothers and Super Hornio Brothers II are two"adult" films based on the Super Mario Bros.'s video game adventure, and even feature Ron Jeremy as Mario, or, as he's called in the film, Squeegie Hornio (just for the record, I am enjoying writing this just as much as you are reading it). Nintendo actually purchased the rights to both of these movies in order to make sure they were never released to the general public. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that was a pretty good call.
5 Mario Wants The Princess To Get Captured
Think about it. In pretty much every Mario game, Princess Peach gets kidnapped. It's the same thing every time: Bowser shows up, kidnaps the Princess, Mario has to get her back. There's always a man, there's always a city, there's always a lighthous— sorry. Disregard that last part.
Anyway, if Mario was really serious about saving the Princess, he would consider actually doing something to protect her after he rescues her. It's painfully obvious she's not able to take care of herself (pretty much the only time she doesn't get kidnapped is when they're playing tennis or golf), and that maybe having some kind of security detail might not be a bad idea. I mean, come on, this woman is royalty, right? And yet, she's just sort of left to do her own thing while a giant maniac dinosaur stalker is still after her? The jig is up, Mario. I wouldn't be surprised if this dude was in league with Bowser the whole time.
4 There's A MarioKart Game With A Very Disturbing Image In The ROM
This one is just...weird. Developed by Namco, Mario Kart Arcade GP was a racer most notable for including both Mario and Pac-Man for the first time. Interestingly enough, when looking at the Mario Kart Arcade GP ROM, it contains three .jpg images: one which appears to be a color test, one of the mascots of Expo 2005 in Aichi, Japan, and finally, and this is the weird one, an image from the Beslan school siege. This was a terrorist attack which took place in Beslan, North Ossetia. An armed group took over School Number One in Beslan and took 1100 people hostage over the course of three days. When all was said and done, 385 people were killed. What this image is doing in the ROM for an arcade game is unknown, and frankly, more than a little baffling.
3 The Koopalings Got Their Names From Some Strange Places
If you've ever wondered why the Koopalings are named what they are, there's actually (for the most part) some pretty specific logic behind each name. While the majority are relatively tame, three in particular stick out: Iggy Koopa (named for rock star Iggy Pop), Morton Koopa Jr (named for chain smoking aggressive TV host Morton Downy Jr.), and Lemmy Koopa (named for Lemmy Kilmister from metal band Motörhead). That means two of the adorable Koopalings are named for rock musicians known for their heavy sound and love of all things smokable, and a third is named for a TV host known for screaming at his guests and going through a whole pack of smokes per episode. Good thing there was no internet when Super Mario Bros. 3 came out, or a lot of kids might have found some interesting results when they tried to Google the game's tiny lovable bosses.
2 Bowser And Peach Like The Sauce
Who got the hooch? Bowser and Peach apparently! In the Japanese version of Super Mario Kart, both Bowser and Peach celebrate a first place victory by picking up a bottle of what is unquestionably champagne and downing it proudly! In the American version, Bowser just picks up the bottle and shakes it around, which seems like an odd choice if he ever plans to drink it. But in the Japanese one, he pops the cork and goes to town! The same goes for Peach: in the Japanese version, the pink princess pops the cork and chugs till her face turns red. I'm surprised the American race venue even lets them bring their bottle on the track. Pretty obvious these two prefer racing in Japan.
1 Super Mario Might Be A Mass Murderer
From the Super Mario Bros manual:
"One day, the kingdom of the peaceful Mushroom Kingdom people was invaded bythe Koopa, a tribe of turtles famous for their black magic. The quiet,peace-loving Mushroom People were turned into mere stones, bricks, and evenfield horsehair plants, and the Mushroom Kingdom fell into ruin."
Hang on a second. Wait a minute. Backup. What was that last part? They were all turned into stones and bricks? Aren't those...exactly what you spend the entire game destroying? By that logic, with every brick you smash, you are in fact, taking the life of an innocent denizen of the Mushroom Kingdom. You'll never look at Mario the same way again. But your kids still can. Because hopefully, you kept them far away from this list. But when they're old enough, take it out, sit them down, and tell them the true story of the "Super" Mario. Oh, brother.