Let’s get one thing out of the way right off the bat - I’m not here to judge you. There’s a great big world out there with all manner of weird and interesting things in it. It’s only natural that a few of them are going to affect you in a certain indescribable way. That’s a good thing.
I mean, unless that thing is illegal. Then it’s not so good a thing. But if it’s your thing, that’s OK. I’m here to help you get your fix without anybody dying. At least, not in real life anyway.
In the wide world of video games there’s always something out there that can virtually satisfy whatever craving you have, and just as often one you didn’t even know existed. The best thing that can ever happen in a game is for someone to discover something about themselves that until now they never knew. That’s part of the reason why people make games: to explore the human condition and find out what really makes us tick. For some people it can be the intense action, for others, it can be the desire to explore strange new worlds and civilizations.
Or you can give in to your baser instincts...
Here are a few games that you might be surprised to find turn you on.
15 Fat Chick Connoisseur - Borderlands 2
Not everybody goes for what society considers to be conventional beauty. Sometimes you need a gal with a little more meat on her bones, and for that, you should check out Borderlands 2.
I will never forget the day I first laid eyes on Ellie. Her entrance as she walked around the corner of her garage was like watching the sun rise majestically over the horizon, her bountiful bosom swaying like an ancient willow tree in a light summer’s breeze. Or, in her own words, “Like an eagle soarin' through the midnight sky, only the eagle's like three hundred pounds with a kick-ass rack.”
As eloquent as she is beautiful.
14 Misogyny Lover - Grand Theft Auto V
Does your heart hearken back to a day when women were nothing more than sex objects to be used and abused? Then take a trip in the time machine that is Grand Theft Auto V and get all the misogyny you can handle.
In GTAV all the protagonists are men, all the antagonists are men, all the secondary characters are men, and everyone of any import is a man. Women are only seen in passing, as completely dispassionate corporate robots, or hookers. That’s it. Hopefully whatever is next for series will cast a wider net when it comes to diversity.
To be fair there are a lot of games that are overwhelmingly sexist, and you can pick any one of them to get your jollies on, but GTA will probably gratify you the best.
13 Gun Nut - Metal Gear Solid 3
Boys love their toys, and sometimes those toys just happen to be guns. There’s a lot of games to choose from to get your gun fix, from the ARMA series to Rainbow Six, to the upcoming Escape from Tarkov. But none of those games seem to acknowledge their love of gun 'material' the same way that Metal Gear Solid does.
In Metal Gear Solid 3, Naked Snake is given an M1911 .45 semi-automatic handgun, and he embraces the thing like a long lost lover. He’s not the only one: Revolver Ocelot can’t shut up about his Colt Single Action Army revolvers, Eva loves her Chinese knockoff Broomhandle Mauser, and basically, everyone will introduce their signature gun in every initial encounter in the series, complete with extreme closeups.
12 Adrenaline Junkie - Mirror’s Edge
Are you an adrenaline junkie? Do you need to be flying by the seat of your pants at 1000 miles per hour to feel alive? Then maybe the free-running Mirror’s Edge is the game for you. It will give you that 'tingly' feeling you crave.
Set in the not too distant future, you play as Faith, a parkour-practicing courier who jumps, leaps, and cartwheels from building to building in a mad dash to get away from “the man.” Half the time you’ll be hopping from heights as tall as a skyscraper, crashing through plate-glass windows, all while dodging bullets. If that doesn’t get your blood pumping nothing will.
11 Tragedy Aficionado - The Last Of Us
Some of us need to have an emotional connection to our games - we like having our heartstrings plucked. And some of us like having them thrashed like a speed metal guitar solo.
The Last Of Us packs about as much tragedy as is possible into a game without just having 5 hours of characters continuously weeping. The game starts with the zombie apocalypse wiping out most of humanity and then follows that up with the sucker punch of your daughter being shot and dying in your arms. The game is pretty much all downhill from there.
If you need as much tragedy in your life as possible, this is the game for you. There's never been another game that will leave you quite as devasted as The Last of Us.
10 Massacre Maniac - Hatred
Plenty of games let you murder tons of people, but often they are “bad people,” or there’s something approaching a plot to kind of break up the killing spree with a story. Hatred doesn’t have that problem.
You play as The Antagonist, a misanthropic mass-killing sociopath who begins a "genocide crusade," which is just fancy talk for killing literally everyone around you. The game has been described as a mass murder simulator, and that does a pretty good job of summing it up. It's as sick as it sounds; voyeuristic in the most grotesque and cynical way.
If this turns you on then you probably need to seek professional counseling, but until then there’s Hatred.
9 Misandry Devotee - Mass Effect 2
Not into damsels in distress? Are you more into strong, fierce, independent women? Then look no further than Mass Effect 2.
Sure, the box art still has an awfully gruff looking dude on it, but like most BioWare games you can totally play as a female version of the protagonist. On top of that, you have a bevy of powerful female squad mates to bring along with you, such as the intense and complicated Miranda, the mighty yet slightly damaged Jack, or the playful and confident Kasumi. You can go the entire game as a space opera version of Charlie’s Angels, except even Charlie is a woman.
Just remember the Asari aren’t technically female (even though they certainly look the part) since their entire species is monosexual.
8 Gore Addict - Sniper Elite 4
Snapping bones, wrenching sinew, gushing blood. If these words give you the tingles, you may have a thing for gore. That’s weird, but that’s OK - we got you covered.
Sniper Elite is a game series where you play as the titular sniper in various conflict zones. The series also has an interesting mechanic where the camera follow your bullet to graphically display what happens when it impacts the target. Sniper Elite 4 takes this to the next level by showing an x-ray view of the human body and what happens when the bullet passes through it. Lots of exploding internal organs... including testicles.
I mean, if you’re into that sort of thing.
7 Military History Buff - World Of Ships
Maybe handguns and assault rifles just aren’t your thing. Maybe what you need to really feel alive is something that has a bit more history behind it, and maybe a larger calibre. Much larger.
Enter World of Ships, where you can scratch that World War II itch by taking command of some of history’s most famous warships. Captain the battleship USS Iowa against a squadron of incoming Fubuki destroyers, or reenact the Battle of the Denmark Strait between the HMS Hood and the German Bismarck.
Now those are some big guns.
6 Murder Expert - Hitman
Plenty of games feature murder as a central tenet, but often it’s little more than point and click killing. Maybe you need something that’s a little less mindless and a little more intellectual - something that gets your brain meats working.
If meticulously planned murders are your thing, then Hitman is the game for you. You play as Agent 47, a genetically enhanced (and very bald) assassin who receives his orders to kill from the International Contracts Agency. Once you have your target, you can spend hours planning and executing your assassination. The mere fact you’re able to choose your own route to slaying makes Hitman a heckuva lot more intimate that most games.
5 Saw Scenario Savant - The Sims
Maybe you’re more into bondage, or the more cerebral kind of suffering that involves keeping your victim alive and miserable for as long as humanly possible. If that’s the case, then you’d love playing The Sims.
On the surface, The Sims (or any of its many, MANY sequels/expansions) seems like a virtual dollhouse game, and you’d largely be right. But that just means you’re looking at the game the wrong way. Your house isn’t so much a dollhouse as an experimental torture chamber, and your little sim your hapless guinea pig.
Remove the bathroom and see how long your sim goes before wetting himself. Remove the fridge and see how long it takes for them to starve. Take away all the doors so they can’t leave and wait for them to start running around like victims in a Saw movie.
And then seek professional help, since there’s obviously something wrong with you.
4 God Complex Zealot - Spore
Having power over one unfortunate soul is a neat little power trip, but what if you need more to get you into high gear? What if you need A LOT more?
Spore might be the game for you. In Spore you don’t just take command of a virtual avatar to do with as you please, you actually create an entire space-faring species from a single-celled organism! Now that is real power.
It starts off slow, and you certainly won’t feel all that powerful while you’re fighting to survive, but as soon as you get to the macroscopic creature stage and building your own society you’ll be feeling large and in charge. Once you get into space and start nuking critters from orbit you’ll know exactly how Oppenheimer felt when he said, “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
3 Nature Enthusiast - Abzû
If blowing up worlds, jumping off tall buildings, or torturing virtual dolls ain’t your thing, and you’d much rather just relax and get high on life, then maybe Abzû is more up your alley.
Abzû takes place in a vast ocean teeming with wildlife which you can observe and even interact with at your leisure. There’s a gentle, soothing musical score to go along with the aquatic atmosphere, and unlike most underwater games you don’t have to worry about drowning or being eaten. Just lazily swim around and enjoy nature at its finest.
Or simulated nature anyway.
2 Spreadsheet Savant - Eve Online
Eve is a game that is notorious for its dense statistical data on various ships and weapons systems. The amount of information that you need to stay on top of in order to keep your little spaceship from getting ganked can be pretty overwhelming to new players, but if you’re the kinda gal that loves micromanagement as much as she loves sorting algorithms, then Eve Online might be right up your alley.
To be fair to Eve, a lot of the optimization has already been done for you if you know where to look, and there’s plenty of automation to ensure the new player experience isn’t a complete dumpster fire. At the same time, you can always do everything the hard way if crunching numbers is what really strokes your goat.
1 Technology Fanatic - Deus Ex: Human Revolution
Tired of waiting for the singularity to render all of human experience into a sequence of ones and zeroes? Think it’d be better for everyone if we could just ditch these tired old meat-bags and run around in cybernetically enhanced super-bodies? Deus Ex: Human Revolution could be the game you’re jonesing for.
Deus Ex is all about what’s in store for humanity when we finally embrace technology instead of giving it bad press like Terminator or The Matrix. Brain implants to help with memory, optical implants to see through walls, or lung implants to breathe noxious gasses. That last one may turn out to be super important if there are not enough 'Nature Enthusiast' people out there to stop this global warming I keep hearing about.