Fairies, Deku Scrubs, Gorons, Zoras, and Gerudos galore! We all love The Legend of Zelda at least in part for its universe full of wonder and magic. The series has always been able to make us escape reality with peculiar characters and diverse settings. After all, isn't a video game supposed to break all boundaries and transgress all rules that keep us gamers in touch with the real world?
*Cue wrong answer buzzing sound* WRONG. I'm here to crush your dreams and show you how The Legend of Zelda strides so far from reality that it just stops making sense. Ever wonder why murderous chicken attacking a child Link doesn't seem to phase any of the villagers in Kakariko village? Or how Zelda, bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom, hasn't once proved how supposedly wise she is? (You can't just put a blonde princess in a pink dress and claim that she's "wise" to declare yourself as a feminist, Nintendo).
Luckily for you gamers, the experience of playing our favorite adventure game series allows you to ignore why the game allows young Link to play with bombs in the Zelda equivalent to Chuck E. Cheese, or better yet, how everyone seems to roll with nine year-old Link battling deadly monsters. He has a NAGGING FAIRY to protect him, not a Pokémon, for crying out loud!!
The point is, I'm really fun at parties and want to shove a bunch of inconsistencies with the Legend of Zelda in your face. Have fun! (not).
15 The Secret Weapon To Use Against Ganondorf
Ah, the Master Sword. The ultimate weapon to banish all evil and shove it into the a dark and damp corner where it belongs. The weapon that our hero of time needs to acquire to fulfill his destiny. With its power of awesomeness (and magic and whatever allows it to beat the crap out of Chuchus), it can knock those pesky lightning balls that the dark lord Ganondorf hurls at Link back at him in Ocarina of Time.
For gamers who like to play like trolls, you could also knock those balls of lightning with... a glass bottle. That's right, use your six-inch glass bottle to shield yourself from a ball of pure energy that's about half your size. Then again, I'm not saying playing baseball with pure energy and a sword is logical, but how do you even use the bottle as a deflector without getting at least your fingers burnt? Watch out Ganon, I have a BOTTLE.
14 Speaking Of Bottles...
We all know (or at least should know) that fairies are literally vital to Link. It's always a relief when you're down to your last heart container and you wonder into a fairy fountain. As you listen to the soothing harp sounds of the turquoise blue fountain, red glowing fairies floating around greet you with delight by flying around you and replenishing your heart containers before disappearing. Hopefully, they didn't kill themselves in the process (let's just pretend they didn't sacrifice themselves for Link's few hearts).
However, I would argue that their sense of sacrifice is strong. When Link bottles a fairy, stripping it from its home to lock it inside one of his trusty glass bottles, probably depriving the poor thing from oxygen and shaking the bottle around in his inventory, you'd imagine that the fairy would start siding with Ganondorf on that one.
Except that when Link dies, the fairy decides to RESURRECT its captor and disappear? "Thanks for keeping me locked in there, I totally deserved it."
13 What Are These Locks Made With?
We've all been there at some point during our first playthrough: that last freaking small key is missing, and finding it seems impossible without using a walkthrough. Out of rage, you hit the lock on the door with your sword, to no avail. It doesn't budge.
But wait! Don't you have BOMBS in your inventory? You know, the kind that allow you to blow up rock walls to smithereens and uncover whatever secrets lie behind them? Surely, with that power, a small metal lock that fits a "small key" couldn't stand a chance!
Boom. Zelda world magic, locks are legitimately made with the most solid material in their universe. We get it, it structures gameplay and forces the player to find that stupid key in the dungeon somewhere. Still, you'd think that Hyrule's armies would be using some more of that magic metal in their military...
12 When Zelda Wasn't Useless And Became Useless Again
Our Triforce of Wisdom bearer is hardly an admirable character. She is devoid of a personality in virtually every Zelda game and still gets the whole saga named after her.
Yet *spoiler alert*, Nintendo made an effort in Wind Waker, when our fair princess was a badass sea pirate named Tetra. Now that's a lady with aspirations, dreams, authority, determination, and just overall strength of character!
Unfortunately, the Zelda "pretty, pink, and in need of saving" tradition didn't quit. When *again, spoiler alert, I warned you* Tetra was revealed to actually be princess Zelda, she got a magical makeover that made her skin whiter (problematic much?), gave her a cute pink dress and a cutesy little tiara.
And, get this: from fierce sea pirate, her personality morphed into this delicate flower that decided to stay in a temple while toon Link gets to go on adventures because she's told that "it's too dangerous outside." A sea pirate is probably more adept at adventuring than a young 12 year-old having grown up on a peaceful island his entire life. Where did Tetra go to?
11 Strong Females That Should Technically Be Extinct
This title sounds wrong but hear me out!
Nintendo didn't entirely shut out women from being strong characters in The Legend of Zelda. One just has to look at the Gerudos and clearly see that they kick butt, as the tribe of fearless thieves of the desert.
And yet, their survival as a tribe makes absolutely no sense. Did you know that this tribe exclusive to women gives birth to a male Gerudo every 100 years? (Unfortunately for them, one of these times had to be the Dark Lord Ganondorf's birth. Bummer).
There are theories that these fierce women go to town to look for "boyfriends" from time to time, although that would make their tribe a bit more ethnically diverse than it is. The secret to the Gerudos' survival must be buried deeper beneath the sands of their scaling desert.
10 A Fish's Stomach Isn't A Playground
Ruto is the ANNOYING princess that you risked your life for while carrying her around in the Jabu-Jabu Fish's belly. Do you recall her constant reproaches when you had to lay her butt on the ground for a few seconds the time you dealt with electric deadly jellyfish?
First off, Ruto, we know you're young, but hasn't your father taught you about thanking your saviours? And second, why are you in the belly of the fish venerated by your people? Why are you in ANY fish's belly in the first place?
To quote Ruto, "I've been going inside Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly since I was little."
Kudos to the Zora king letting his sole heir, a princess no more than nine years old, swim in an animal's gastric fluids. THAT is the way to educate a princess!
9 Gorons Have Expensive Tastes
In Ocarina of Time, Link has to save the Goron tribe from starvation by clearing the Dodongo cavern, the source of the Gorons' food. Their diet? Rocks.
In hindsight, I realized that Gorons lived in a mountain, and that rocks are pretty much the only thing surrounding them. It doesn't take a math genius to put two and two together: why don't the Gorons EAT the rocks that are at their disposal?
I'm not suggesting they start eating their homes or anything, but come on: they are rocks that Link can grab and throw literally EVERYWHERE. According to one of the Gorons, they've been spoiled with the fancy rocks inside the dangerous cavern and cannot eat anything else.
Good job Darunia, you'd rather let your people starve than to make children (and adults!) eat their brussel-sprout-rocks. *Slow clap*
8 Bovine Underground Bunkers?
Even if bombs can't blow up small locks, they can however uncover secret holes in the ground in Ocarina of Time. Note that some of these holes can only be uncovered by playing the Song of Storms (because a few seconds of rain obviously is enough water to dig through earth solid enough to support human weight... anyway, moving on).
What might there be down in these holes that Link somehow manages to squeeze in? Rupees? Some Golden Skulltulas? This is Zelda we're talking about, we're obviously going to find fully grown COWS down there! How did they get down there, you ask? Perhaps they were thrown down there as babies and grew in solitude eating the little grass and drinking the little water available? Or perhaps Malon thought it'd be an interesting Guinness World Record to have, shoving her cattle down there?
Regardless, they're always useful if you're low on health: just play Epona's song near them for a full milk refill!
7 Rupees, Rupees Everywhere
Oh no! This solid wood Deku shield burned up again? That thing burns like paper, and even paper takes more time to become ash. Oh well, I guess you'll have to spend another 40 rupees and buy another one (honestly, don't buy it, it's not worth it).
Time to mow the lawn. A few spin attacks here and there and there you go: 50 rupees. It's all nice and all to get free money but... where do these rupees come from?
There is some speculation that the rupees are left there by the tiny people called the Picori that you find in The Minish Cap. However, a picori is smaller than a clover and probably can't lift like ants do. To place even a single rupee for them would take more workforce than there are picori, so that's a no go. I guess we'll just have to roll with the free money lying around.
6 What IS A Heart?
You're down to your last few heart containers. Besides exploiting fairies, you can also pick up a few hearts while mowing the lawn. Yes, pick up these floating red heart thingies and eat them or whatever and get your health back!
So... what is a heart? If you think of it, Link picks up disembodied hearts on the ground to heal himself. That's some Daenerys Targaryen stuff right there! Does Link bite into the hearts he picks up to get the health from them? Where do the hearts come from? Did they belong to the ghosts that roam Kakariko cemetery?
Questioning hearts is a cheap shot, because many video games use little hearts to illustrate your life points (it's already better than using fast food items as your life source). Let us assume that they're floating heart shaped orbs of positive energy that Link absorbs into his soul for healing. There, problem solved?
5 Link's Practical And Impractical Pockets
Phew, you're going far in this quest. You're now carrying a bow with a bunch of arrows, bombs, a hookshot, a bundle of sticks, a boomerang, some Deku nuts that are pretty much flash bombs (seriously, these should be kept away from children), an ocarina, the lens of truth, pegasus boots that make you float, iron boots that make you sink... and the list goes on.
Let us ignore the fact that Link has pockets that probably send his items to another dimension (Mary Poppins, I'm looking at you). If Link's inventory is so amazing to the point that he could carry just about anything, why would he would need a bigger quiver to carry ten more arrows? Or even a bigger bomb bag to carry a few more bombs? Can't Link just dump these items into his magical Zelda inventory?
4 Heavy Items That Are Selectively Heavy
As an added bonus to why Link's inventory doesn't make sense, Link holds items that should be hard enough to carry on their own, no matter the Zelda game we're talking about. From iron boots to a ball and chain, Link carries it all. In Ocarina of Time, he carries a hammer literally called the MEGATON hammer, and it doesn't even slow him down when he walks around with it!
However, his iron boots seem to slow him down quite a bit: only when he wears them, that is. That's right, carry your 100 ton boots in your backpack no problem, swim with them in your pockets for all I care. Put them ON and sink to the bottom of a lake and walk as fast as King Zora moving his butt out of the way.
Never skip leg day, Link.
3 Link Can Shoot An Arrow But...
What do you mean adult Link can't handle a slingshot or a boomerang? He braves dangerous dungeons, fights deadly monsters, handles a bow, a hookshot, a MEGATON hammer and yet he can't use a child's toy?
We all understand that the goal of this is to push the player into using better, more effective items. Yes, Bradley, your fire arrows might hurt more than slinging nuts at Ganondorf, and no you shouldn't even try, but you can use a bottle if you want.
What's more is that you can wield a Biggoron sword that's about Link's size, but adult Link is absolutely incapable of wielding a Deku stick. In fact, using a Deku stick as adult Link in the N64 version of Ocarina of Time might even crash the game, so watch out. You don't want Link to go through an existential crisis because he can't figure out how to hold a stick!
2 Link's OP Rolling Skills
Remember the well in Kakariko village? Were you one of the people who would carefully climb down the well using the rusty ladder on the side of it or did you just jump down like every normal person would do? After all, falling down a well doesn't damage that much. That fall could cost Link probably a heart or so that he could easily find by killing monsters in the well anyway.
Of course, that fall would probably be deadly to any real human, but this is a video game. Anyone would rage quit if falling like that resulted in Link's instant death (Witcher III, I'm most definitely looking at you).
Aside from this game mechanic that was changed for practicality purposes, I do remember times when Link fell without sustaining damage: when he rolled.
It's tough to do, but moving forward while pressing the A button is supposedly how one does it. Gee, if somersaults made me impervious to gravity, I would've stayed in my gymnastics class and jumped off ledges for fun too.
1 Cuccos Are Not Chickens
I'll spare you the fact that Cuccos have the ability to sustain sword hits and the strength and intelligence to murder a person. We all know that Cuccos are not just ordinary chickens and that Zelda magic makes them super strong and popular, to the point where they became an item in Super Smash Bros.
Yet, I still have to wonder how these supposedly flightless birds, who barely have the strength and aerodynamic quality to rise above the ground, can help Link glide across gaps. If you can't lift your butt off the ground, you can't keep mine in the air either, Sharon!! I mean, that is unless Sharon lifts me on her shoulders or something... but that's besides the point.
How does a single pseudo-chicken help a fully grown adult glide through the air? The answer, and all the answers to this list, remains the same: The Legend of Zelda makes a lot of your money and doesn't care if it makes sense or not, so screw off.