Douchebags, they're everywhere. They can be found on every single corner of the world: douchebags are not gender, race, or age restricted. I'd venture so far as to say that the worst of all douchebags is the gamer douchebag. Overly confident in their gaming ability, boastful in victory and inconsolable in defeat, and generally just abrasive butt munches, gaming douchebags are a breed all their own. Now, I'm not saying that if you enjoy any of the games on this list that you are pinned down as being a douchebag. As I make a point to say in any opinion based article, you are free to play and enjoy whatever video game you so choose. It's your right as a gamer to enjoy what you enjoy without the judgement of anyone else influencing whatever you may get from your video game of choice.
But for some reason still unknown to modern science, douchebags seem to gravitate towards these 15 games in vast herds. When logging on or hopping on your message board of choice, beware! For douchebags lurk in the shadows, waiting to channel their misguided feelings of inferiority from their lives onto to their fellow gamers. Microphones are spammed, controllers and keyboards are lodged into walls like shuriken, and blame is passed around like a church collection plate at Sunday Mass. Now, lets see if you really are as much of a douchebag for liking these games as I think, (spoiler: you are).
15 Call of Duty
Call of Duty fans are the bitter crust clinging to a dying series. Although the Call of Duty series sells well consistently, past instillations have been met with less than satisfactory fanfare and rightfully so: how’d you feel if you kept dropping $60 on the same game every year? With that bitterness comes the Call of Duty douchebag: defending the game with a steadfast determination while doing their best to hit every convenience store in the area in an effort to collect all the limited edition Call of Duty Mountain Dew flavors.
As I’ve stated before and as I’m sure I’ll state again: you can play and enjoy any game that you’d like. That is your right as a gamer and a consumer. But if you’re an abrasive Call of Duty online player, you are an ass clown of the highest degree. Blowing off the day’s steam by screaming at middle school kids on your headset does not make you any better at playing a subpar online shooter.
14 Super Smash Bros.
The ultimate couch co-op douchebag is well versed in the ways of the Super Smash Bros. series. They scoff as you pick your character, even though they hurriedly pick their character of choice without a word. They laugh manically as they dodge your every attack and spam the two or three moves that they know to be the most effective at knocking you off. They’re the type constantly looking for an advantage in any capacity; from spamming the Falcon Punch, to making you play with that wonky Madcatz controller, they’re ruthless.
They also feign video game knowledge; acting like they totally knew who Mr. Game & Watch was before they started playing Smash. Spawning all types of obnoxious behaviors, Super Smash Bros. seems to attract all types of douchebags. Especially the ones who are always posting about having a tournament in college dorms; we get it, you’re good at Smash. No, you still aren’t impressing anyone.
13 World of Warcraft
World of Warcraft gamers have a reputation and rightfully so. When you ask someone what video games they play and receive a phlegmatic response of “WoW,” you know it’s already too late. You can identify the telltale signs of WoW abuse with a simple once over of the gamer in question. You’ll notice black circles under the eyes, a propensity to discuss rare mounts, a preference for being called by their WoW character name, talking about in-game raids as if they were pivotal real life events, lying about their global ranking, acting like quitting WoW is a big deal, disappearing from real life for extended periods of time, and general irritability when confronted about the value of other games aside from WoW.
Not everyone falls prey to Blizzard’s subscription based mind control, but the ones who do usually tend to be overzealous douchebags in its defense. Although the overall number of active subscriptions to WoW has declined over the years, the amount of douchebags paying to participate in a global time sink has not.
The shooter of choice for a whole generation of Xbox owners, Halo is a prime breeding ground for douchebags. If it’s not discussing the finer points of a very mediocre shooter, Halo fans are the ones goading non-players into local multiplayer matches just so they can scream “headshot!” at the top of their lungs. We get it, you know how to no-scope from your spawn that you camp the entire match. I’m so impressed by the ease in which you sprint around the map with the energy sword and make the game less fun for everyone else playing. No, I don’t care about why you think Master Chief is an underrated protagonist; he isn’t. He’s an archetype in power armor.
Even worse are the Halo players you never actually experience in person; the players in online matches who bought a microphone in order to scream “headshot!” as loud as humanly possible with the sole purpose of making your television speakers rattle. If you spot a Halo poster or other paraphernalia in someone’s living space, beware. Most likely, they are a douchebag.
11 Pokémon GO
First heralded as the end all be all Pokémon game, Pokémon GO has evolved into a major flop. With the ability to catch Pokémon in real time, in the real world no less, the possibilities at launch seemed endless. The childhood dreams of all the gamers who had grown up talking about how amazing life would be if they could only be Pokémon trainers in real life, while playing Pokémon Red and Pokemon Blue on their original brick Game Boys. Well, in July 2016 that wish was granted and with it, a whole new breed of douchebags was born.
Aspiring Pokémon Go masters began turning up in the news for a variety of reasons: playing while driving and killing pedestrians, being shot while playing, and crowding questionable Pokéstops and gyms, such as the Korean DMZ. Not only were the Pokémon GO payers completely distracted by playing the game with their phones glued to their faces while subsequently walking into traffic or falling off cliffs douches, so were the non-players who took advantage of their distracted state. Multiple robberies and incidents were reported in the following months after Pokémon Go’s release, proving that sometimes, catching them all is not worth it.
10 Call of Duty Zombies
I believe that this one needs a separate entry from the Call of Duty post because it has spawned its own breed of douchebag. Played continuously in college dorms and basements across the world, Call of Duty’s infamous zombie mode has become the douchebag game of choice, as far as I’m concerned. Not to say I haven’t played it. If you’ve picked up a controller in the last eight years, chances are you’ve done your best to survive the endless barrage of undead with a friend or online. Starting with Nazi Zombies featured in Call of Duty: World At War and featured in almost every Call of Duty game since, the infernal groans of zombie mode hordes has become the mating call of the douchebag gamer.
There’s nothing inherently douche-like in Call of Duty’s zombie modes; as I mentioned before I have played them and tend to enjoy them. It’s the kind of gamer they attract: the kind of douche that insists on taking control, getting the first spin on the box, asking you to pay for doors…the list goes on. You’ll recognize this douche by the groans of agony they emit when you can’t hold out solo after they tried spinning for the ray gun and were swarmed, again.
The ultimate “I played football in high school and could have gone pro if I had stuck to it” shattered dream simulator. There is nothing wrong with playing and thoroughly enjoying sports games; after all, video games mostly exist to draw the player into experiences and roles that they would most likely never encounter in their everyday reality. But Madden fans have it in their heads that being good at Madden means they’re actually good at a real sport. Much like the Guitar Hero paradox, when players proficient at using a guitar controller think they’re actually capable of playing a single note on a real instrument, being good at Madden does not mean you are good at an actual sport.
Even worse are those that dive headfirst into the franchise mode and treat their teams like they’re an actual owner. The snide expression that I’ve seen come across a grown man's face when he makes a particularly good trade for Adrian Peterson is truly disturbing. I understand becoming immersed in a game to an unhealthy level, it happens to me all the time, but when it starts to give you illusions of grandeur in your real life, it’s not the game. It’s the douchebag playing the game.
8 Tom Clancy’s: The Division
A title that looked stellar in development, flopped on arrival, then was patched into the limbo of mediocrity, where it exists today. The game itself isn’t inherently only played by douchebags; in fact, the game preaches cooperation against an army of NPC enemies that stalk the ruins of New York City. However, there is one area in the game that serves as a meeting ground for the ultimate douches in the game: the dark zone.
Promising high level gear, the dark zone draws players of all types to venture onto its bloodstained streets in hopes of airlifting something truly awesome out. While there is nothing wrong with competitive multiplayer, especially in the form of trying to shank players competing for the same piece of high value loot, douchebags are afoot in the dark zone. It’s a common practice to team up with other players in the dark zone in the search for gear, but even more common is to have your so called “squad mates” put a round through the back of your head as you try and secure your newly discovered items. A fun bit of “trust no one” gameplay to be sure, but that doesn’t make the offending party any less of a douche canoe.
7 No Man’s Sky
One of the most ambitious failures ever conceived, No Man’s Sky is a game about flying through space in search of procedurally generated aliens that mostly look like wieners with legs. No Man’s Sky was doomed from the start; the hype train was leaving the station before the game even had a chance to pack its bags. Gamers who play No Man’s Sky aren’t really that douchey; in fact, you kind of have to feel bad for them. Not only are they still playing No Man’s Sky voluntarily, they’re doing their best to justify that it’s a quality experience. Pity them my fellow gamers, pity them.
The real douchebags in the No Man’s Sky scene are those that abandoned the game as soon as it came out after saying that it would essentially be the harbinger of a new era of gaming. These douchebags are the ones that played the game for five hours after standing in line for their preorder, realizing that it was essentially an underwhelming flight sim and resource collecting slog, and then proceeded to bash the game unrelentingly in every way possible. You can be dissatisfied with a purchase, especially a video game. But acting like you knew that it would suck the whole time, while you eagerly packed all your belongings onto the hype train, is just asinine.
6 Rocket League
Like most video games, players of Rocket League didn’t exactly start out as douchebags: as their skill with the game increased, their douchebaggery followed suit. A game about cars playing soccer to techno, Rocket League is a game that shouldn’t work. But it does, on so many levels. Incredibly fun to play, especially if you’re halfway descent, Rocket League basically invites you to be a douche totem to other players.
Due to the game's chat system; a series of quick chat options mapped to the d-pad, being a douchebag in Rocket League has its own special brand of finesse. Spawning the chat with “Nice Shot!” and “What a Save!” after an opponent or, even more commonly, an underperforming teammate, bumbles a play is a douchebagery all its own. Plus, anyone that takes a game about cars playing soccer seriously enough to torment someone who isn’t up to snuff is definitely a little bit douchey, to say the least.
5 Dark Souls
Playing this series does not make you a douchebag inherently. No, Dark Souls douchebags are a special type, forged in the hardships that are a staple of the series, and the false sense of their superiority in overcoming those hardships. Intentionally leaving messages that tell players to jump off cliffs that lead to their death or praising treasure in a chest that is actually a mimic, is fun. It goes hand in hand with the standout Souls dynamic: becoming better by learning, exploring, and subsequently dying. The real douche nozzles in the Dark Souls series make themselves known outside of the game itself.
The whole “git gud” response to inexperienced players genuine questions is repulsive and serves as an indicator of how falsely entitled experienced players of the Souls games are. Yes, novice players should explore the game to find the answers themselves. Having played the games myself, sometimes an enemy or an area becomes frustrating and you just want to get that little edge from your fellow players in order to move on and continue enjoying the game. Calling someone a “casual,” “scrub,” or telling them to “git gud” in response to a question doesn’t make you superior; it makes you a jerk. Especially when you’re speaking about a game that literally millions of people have beat. You’re not special, you just have some serious time to burn.
4 Counter Strike
Now this one I am guilty of loving. I played Counter Strike Source 24/7 Office for a solid two weeks of my life. Does that make me a douchebag? Yes, yes it does. In my time interacting with my fellow douchebags on those servers, I realized one thing about Counter Strike players and probably online shooter players as a whole: they’re a bunch of a-holes.
By far some of the whiniest, poor sports in gaming, Counter Strike players are the first ones to point fingers and the last one to ever take the blame. I can’t tell you how many times, in the peak of my obsessive playing binge, that I was called out for hacking (which I didn’t do), and was subsequently kicked and banned by someone’s admin pal. Crying about not winning is a trademark douchebag behavior, equally pathetic in an online game or in real life.
Listen, if you play FIFA and you live outside of the states, I get it. After all, soccer is the most popular, most played game in the world. Like most popular sports, it’s a way of life with fans forming lifetime bonds to their preferred team or club. Even if you live in the states and you enjoy soccer in any capacity, good for you. I have absolutely no qualms with anyone who likes the sport, team, or player of their choice: I’m a Philadelphia Flyers fan; I have no room to judge anyone. But, I do have a problem with the gamers who play FIFA and think that they like soccer. You do not like soccer, you like FIFA.
I’ve seen more than one gamer pick up an installment of FIFA earlier in the week and show up to the bar that weekend wearing a Manchester United jersey. Again, nothing wrong with either of those things separately: playing FIFA or with wearing Manchester United’s colors. But the correlation that you somehow are a soccer fan and support the actual team when you don’t even watch the real broadcasts of the sport is mind-boggling. You are not a soccer fan, you are a douchebag.
2 DOTA 2
The overall worst group of gamers that has ever played a game in common. At this point, there is no incentive to try and get into DOTA 2 due to its highly toxic, douchebag laden player base. Originally a popular mod for Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos, the original Defense of the Ancients became so popular that Valve went ahead and made the standalone DOTA 2, to great success. Unfortunately, any fun that was to be had was quickly diminished as the game began to act as a massive douche magnet. Players that are experienced with the complex mechanics and nuances of this popular MOBA tend to be some of the most caustic gamers to ever grace a keyboard.
Having made headlines since release, DOTA 2 players are uncommonly cruel in their treatment of players not in the know. Often telling new players to "kill themselves" or threatening them on a personal level is a common tactic after an unsuccessful match. You need thick skin going into any game's online multiplayer, but it’s one thing to tell someone to uninstall if they’re having a bad round and completely another if you tell them you’ll kill their family and burn their house down.
1 Final Fantasy VII
I feel like this one really ties into the league of douchebag who actively judges the worthiness of their fellow gamers. Basically, if you don’t think Final Fantasy VII is the best JRPG ever made, your opinion is moot. And the douchebags that think that will let you know, especially if you disagree with them. Now, I’m not discrediting this game's merit; FFVII is a great JRPG. But, just because Aries was your first digital girlfriend in your prepubescent years and you cried when she died, does not make it one of the best ever made.
In fact, I’d go so far as to say that the Final Fantasy series as a whole, and the douchebag fanboys that cling to its ankles so readily, is overrated. Again, not saying that these games haven’t earned their rightful place as some quality JRPGs…I just don’t understand the fanaticism and the douchebags that do their best to propagate it. And no, as hard as you try, Aries is never coming back.