There are 802 Pokémon. That means there must be a minimum of 802 Pokédex entries. However, take into account the dozens of times these 'mons have appeared in subsequent games, and the number of Pokédex entries balloons into the tens of thousands without breaking a sweat. Depending on which game you play and which Pokémon you catch, you're reading just one of the small army of filler text that's been created to give this game more depth and life. So just for one of the original 151 Pokémon, there are a maximum of twenty-one different entries.
Now, remember that somebody had to write them all. Since 1996. It's probably not been the same person, but still. Keeping these throwaway lines interesting to read must not have been easy. But throwaway entry or not, they help building the world of Pokémon as a whole by giving the monsters some personality.
Sometimes though... that personality is really, really funny. Whether it's something completely unbelievable or is just generally ridiculous, there are quite a few spots where Pokédex entries seem to go from the normal to the so-dumb-it's-funny side of video game lore. Some entries also reveal odd little factoids about the Pokémon world that reveal it just might be about as creepy and ridiculous as our own.
So sit down, take a minute, and let these absolutely bonkers Pokédex entries engulf you with their adorable stupidity.
25 Kecleon: Ooh, So Close!
The Offending Entry: "KECLEON is capable of changing its body colors at will... this pokémon can’t change the zigzag pattern on its belly."
Um, well, they kinda need that to change, don't they? How many bright purple zigzags do you think there are in nature? How in the world did they become this amazing master of camouflage but still not be able to change the one part of themselves that stands out the most? How can they survive looking like the lizard Pokémon version of Charlie Brown when it's trying to blend into the surroundings to protect itself from predators? How has their species survived to this point? Shouldn't they all be prey to Pidgeottos and Fearows by now? This makes no biological sense.
24 Mamoswine: WHAT YEAR IS IT?!
The Offending Entry: "A frozen one was dug up from soil dating back 10,000 years. It woke up to much amazement."
I can only assume the look on its face was like the one above. But seriously, does that make this Pokémon like Robin Williams from Jumanji? And also, what exactly was it amazed at? Did someone actually take the time to learn the language of the Mamoswine and tell it that it's been 10,000 years?
I mean, kudos to the Pokémon world for being light years ahead in the field of cryogenics, since no one in our world has been able to successfully revive any animal stuck in cryo-sleep.
I do have to say though, on a recent playthrough of SoulSilver, this Pokémon was invaluable. I just didn't have the heart to tell him how long it had been since I carved him out of the ice. Thankfully, he just trampled my enemies and didn't think twice about it because HE'S A DAMN POKÉMON.
23 Crabrawler: Not Exactly a Gracious Loser...
The Offending Entry: "When it loses, it foams at the mouth and faints."
This Pokémon is not a gracious loser. Most of them just faint when they almost die, like most people would. This guy? This guy just passes the hell out after any loss, no matter what. Beat at a race? Out. Losing a battle but not actually fainting? Doesn't matter, out. Did it lose a staring contest? Bonk, out.
What exactly could cause this kind of behavior? Being punch-drunk after getting into so many fights? That can't be the case, because every single Pokémon would be just as derpy. I prefer to think that all Crabrawlers have an immense drinking problem. Maybe that's why there's no alcohol in Alola, the damn things are slurping it all up before anyone can get to it. Perhaps if there was a little booze on the islands, Team Skull might have been a little more laid back.
22 Darumaka: Hot S**t!
The Offending Entry: "Darumaka’s droppings are hot, so people used to put them in their clothes to keep themselves warm."
Really, guys? This is what they do? This is a world that has MagLev trains, luxury yachts, thriving metropolises, and, need I remind everyone, the friggin' Pokédex, the technological breakthrough device containing every piece of Pokémon knowledge and research yet obtained by any person on the planet, and you're using a Pokémon's poop to keep you warm. Now, I can hear you all in the comments section right now:
"But they said USED to! That could mean anytime!"
Yes, like back in the before-times. But then again, if you're already using Pokémon to keep warm, why not just find a Charmander and train it to light all your fires? That way, you not only avoid smelling like burning turds right now, but you'll also end up getting a buddy that'll turn into a badass Charizard in the future.
21 Seaking: Thiiiis is a [REDACTED] Thing... Isn't It?
The Offending Entry: "Trainers who are crazy for Seaking are divided into horn enthusiasts and fin enthusiasts. The two groups do not get along well."
Alright, so maybe it's not a sex thing. Maybe it's really just a fan club that for some reason has two very distinct factions whose only difference is them liking different parts of a Pokémon's anatomy, with no actual reason as to why they exist.
But it's totally not a sex thing.
I mean, there are a lot of clubs out there that have their own different groups. AFC/NFC, Boobs vs. Butt people, Toilet Paper Rolls up vs. down, etc.
Again, I'm sure it's not a sex thing.
There's certainly a very respectable viewpoint that does not involve attraction between humans and a fish-type Pokémon. After all, it's not like the Trainers you fight in-game have oddly weird lines that may or may not be sexual towards Pokémon, right?
There's no way it could be a sex thing.
But it's totally a sex thing.
20 Porygon2: So Do You Just Like, Throw It Up There Or Something?
The Offending Entry: "This upgraded version of PORYGON is designed for space exploration. It can't fly, though."
Um. What the hell? It can't fly? I mean, you realize that kinda makes it hard to get up there in the first place, right? Are you going to strap it to a slingshot and hope for the best? Chuck it at a low-flying Deoxys and hope it gets up there? Pray for an Abra to teleport it to the stratosphere? This is a Pokémon that was made, not some product of evolution. How did this oversight even happen? What designer was like "Hey, this next-gen Pokémon is going to explore the deepest reaches of space, but let's not make him fly."
Who cares, right? Just make sure it can survive in space and call it a day. The aerodynamics of actually getting him into space don't even matter. We'll just strap it to a rocket with a hope and a prayer.
19 Metang: HOW DID YOU TEST THIS?!
The Offending Entry: "Its body is so tough, even a crash with a jet plane won’t leave a scratch."
One more time: it can crash into an airplane and not leave a scratch.
That's... kinda specific, don't you think? Not what the plane is made of, like aluminum or titanium, but an actual plane. How did they find that out? Is there a Consumer Reports-like entity in the Pokémon universe that just like, grabs some Metangs and throws jets at them just to see what kinda crazy crap will happen? If so, WHY IS THIS A THING?
I mean, there might just be a tragic accident that happened in the Pokémon universe at some point, but even then, there's no mention of those that most definitely died after an over 400-pound pile of sentient steel slammed into them at incredibly high speeds. Kind of misplacing our priorities here, aren't we fellas? A Pokémon just inadvertently murdered hundreds of people, but hey, their charred and burning bodies didn't leave a scratch on it!
18 Vanilluxe: "Relatively Problem-Free"
The Offending Entry: "Even if it loses one of its heads, it can live relatively problem-free."
Oh. Well, that's... good? Just out of curiosity, what are those relative problems? Would it just happen to be, ya know, NOT HAVING A SECOND HEAD?
I mean, does it just devolve into Vanillish? Is that the problem? But then, does the "cone" part devolve as well? Does the one head roll around in there since it doesn't have the other one to hold it in place?
Seriously though, "relatively problem-free?" Is this Pokémon related to a Staryu or something? Can it just pop into the nearest Baskin Robbin's to re-evolve itself? I mean, I get that it's just a Pokémon, but why is the Pokédex low-balling its mutilation? Isn't that kinda completely against its point? I guess Professor Oak just hates stupidly-designed Pokémon. If so, he better brace for the rest of this list, 'cause it's only gonna get worse...
17 Turtonator: Doo Doo Go Boom Boom
The Offending Entry: "Its dung is an explosive substance and can be put to various uses."
Really now? Exploding poop? And people know that it has uses? So that means there must be a team of people tracking and following the movements of Turtonator to see where they do their business. There also must be a bunch of people that have to harvest the poop, too.
Now, I want you to consider the following: Turtonator is almost seven feet tall. It weighs 467 pounds. Consider the amount of fecal matter a seven foot, quarter-ton flame turtle can create just after a light meal. Then imagine the drop from that Pokémon's butthole to the ground. Let's hope the explosivity of that poop is more C4 and less nitroglycerin, because those poor harvesters aren't going to know what hit them.
The rest of this entry is dedicated to the memory of the poor bastards who got blown up handling Turtonator turds for science.
16 Rhyhorn: Giant Spiky Lemming
The Offending Entry: "Once it charges, it won't stop running until it falls asleep. It can remember only one thing at a time. Once it starts rushing, it forgets why it started."
Maybe there's a reason that guy is riding a Rhyhorn. It is apparently the Juggernaut of the Pokémon universe, being completely devoid of actual brains and only using its speed to keep its massive bulk charging forward.
This is truly one of the more amazing examples of Pokémon stupidity. And I mean, it's not like it's their fault. Not all Pokémon are as smart as Mewtwo, after all. What really brings this piece over the top, though, is the fact that Rhyhorn forgets why it starts charging at full speed (and cannot turn, by the way), yet continues to do it anyway.
Let's just hope that jockey knows how to slow him down...
15 Snorlax: That Kinda Goes Without Saying...
The Offending Entry: "Its stomach's digestive juices can dissolve any kind of poison. It can even eat things off the ground."
... I need to go on a tangent here for a second, bear with me.
In advertising, there's a method of writing called a feature/benefit structure. It's a relatively simple concept - introduce the features of an item to a potential customer by telling them what those features can do for the customer (the benefit).
Here, the Pokédex gives us a feature of the Snorlax, but completely undersells the benefit. This is a Pokémon what could potentially eat a dozen pounds of cyanide and chase it down with a gallon of Drano, so how do they sell that? By letting us know Snorlax can eat things off of the ground.
Wow. If a Snorlax drops a piece of food that somehow manages to fall off of his massive girth, it can eat it off the floor. Amazing.
14 Larvitar/Pupitar/Tyranitar: What Do They Have Against Mountains?
The Offending Entry: Larvitar - "It feeds on soil. After it has eaten a large mountain, it will fall asleep so it can grow." Pupitar - "Its THRASHING can topple a mountain." Tyranitar - "If it rampages, it knocks down mountains and buries rivers. Maps must be redrawn afterward."
Just think about these for a minute here. Larvitar eats mountains, and needs them to grow. Pupitar can destroy mountains just by thrashing, and Tyranitar can destroy mountains when it gets testy. Isn't that kind of self-defeating? There are only so many mountains, you guys. And if a Tyranitar blows them all up, how in the hell are the little baby Larvitars going to eat enough junk to evolve? Won't their whole race die out?
Mountain dirt must taste terrible, or give them a giant tummy ache. Maybe that's why they get so mad. And I mean, if that's the case, maybe they shouldn't eat dirt?
13 Slowbro: EUREKA! ...Nope, Never Mind...
The Offending Entry: "Whenever Shellder bites down hard on its tail, it gives Slowbro a flash of inspiration...which it forgets a moment later."
Poor Slowbro. It's the only Pokémon whose evolution is dependent on another Pokémon actually attacking it, but it still carries on like nothing's wrong. Its sheer stupidity makes it one of the most endearing and tenacious dudes out there, but here is the first time that we see something more come out of this seemingly dense pink pile of derp face.
It actually has a great idea when the Shellder on its tail bites him! Maybe it's just the hallucinogenic properties of the Shellder's venom, but for a split second, it actually arrives at something resembling independent thought. Sadly, it just forgets it once the Shellder lets up, which goes to show us that pain truly is the greatest motivator.
12 Spinda: Everyone's Favorite Lil' Drunk
The Offending Entry: "Its steps are staggering and unsteady, but Spinda thinks it’s walking in a straight line."
Um... you mean this Pokémon is wasted, right? Like, all the time? I'm not reading that incorrectly, right? This Pokémon is completely fit-shaced all the time, and no one knows how it happens. Maybe it's the Crabrawler of the Hoenn region. Wouldn't you think some Pokémon researchers would have dedicated their time to trying to help that poor monster? No, they're too busy keeping them as adorable little pets with a cute quirk.
Sometimes the Pokémon world is a little too close to our own for their own good. Well, whatever the reason, whenever Spinda is around, just make sure to hide your booze. You don't need to make its Teeter Dance any messier than it already is.
11 Mr. Mime: No Time For Haters
The Offending Entry: "If interrupted while it is miming, it will slap around the offender with its broad hands."
Mimes and the Queen's Guard have one thing in common: They are completely independent of the world around them. But if someone gets in their way, stuff goes down. Queens guards can take you into custody for being a tool. Mr. Mime, on the other hand...
He'll slap you down like a flat Sally. And have you seen those hands? They're frickin' bigger than his head. If he hits you hard enough, he'll break ya damn neck then cast Hypnosis and make you slap the hell out of yourself. He could even make you part of his act like some life-size mannequin. I mean, this is a horror story waiting to happen, and it's all coming from a clown-faced Pokémon that you thought would be fun to eff with.
10 Klefki: FEAR MY JINGLY KEYS OF DEATH
The Offending Entry: "These key collectors threaten any attackers by fiercely jingling their keys at them."
God, I wish I could just leave this entry at that and let you, the audience, take that in for a moment. But that's not how we do things at TheGamer, so let's just break this down a little.
This is a Pokémon obviously created during a massive deadline crunch. It's a flippin' key ring. It's got an amazing type and decent stats for A KEY RING. It's better than Mr. Mime, Ninjask, Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan, and any other Pokémon with less than 470 base stats. That's right, the thing you lose under the car seat has more stats than the Pokémon named after Bruce frickin' Lee.
That doesn't even come close to the biggest problem with this entry: HOW DO YOU FIERCELY JINGLE SOMETHING?!
"Oooh, I'm sooo miffed at you right now! Take this, you durned nasty butt pile!"
9 Popplio: BOOGER BLASTER!
The Offending Entry: "This Pokémon snorts body fluids from its nose, blowing balloons to smash into its foes."
Aww, look at the little Popplio. He's so adorable. He's a little seal guy who just wants to make people happy by balancing things on his little seal nose. But when he runs out of stuff to balance, he'll just blow up a snot bubble and throw it at you.
They may use the term "body fluids" here, but there's no doubt that this is boogers. Clear, bubbly boogers that fly free from that adorable little nose and pummel its enemies with a torrent of mucus.
Just make sure to keep Popplios away from the tissue Pokémon that Game Freak are sure to make in the next generation, because there's no way it can stand up to the never-ending torrent of liquid nose gold Popplio can produce.
8 Slowking: Günter From Futurama: — The Pokémon
The Offending Entry: "SLOWKING undertakes research every day in an effort to solve the mysteries of the world. However, this POKéMON apparently forgets everything it has learned if the SHELLDER on its head comes off."
He finally made it, people. Slowking has finally realized his true potential, and it turns out all it needed to do was to use this weird little rock and have the Shellder bite him on his head instead of his tail. Just like Günter the monkey, it doesn't work if you put it on your butt.
I have to say though, I kinda relate to him. Slowking's intellect feels so much like going to college. You feel intelligent as you're in there, and then once you leave (read: drop the Shellder), everything you think you learned goes poof as real life kicks in. The only way to feel that smart again is to get another Shellder, and that's why so many people go back for a graduate degree.
7 Swalot: Ummm... Okay.
The Offending Entry: "Its powerful stomach acid is capable of digesting almost anything. The one thing in the whole world a SWALOT can’t digest is its own stomach."
I mean, this goes without saying, right? This is a Snorlax-entry level of dumb here, but even more so because seriously, what the hell? Are Swalots eating other Swalots? Do Swalots eat themselves? What are they insinuating here?! It just makes no logical sense. Why is this something that needs to be addressed?
They're essentially giant sentient piles of gunk, like a lot of poison-type Pokémon, so why do we even care about what they can eat in the first place? Is it because they're going to kiss us and we need to know what's on their breath? Why couldn't the Pokédex talk about why Swalot has inexplicable black diamonds on its stomach?
No, they had to talk about how it can't eat itself.
6 Bagon: Suck On That, Darwin!
The Offending Entry: "In doomed efforts to fly, this POKéMON hurls itself off cliffs. As a result of its dives, its head has grown tough and as hard as tempered steel."
That's. Not. How. Evolution. Works.
Holy God, do I have to spell it out here? Cliffs! There are no good cliffs to throw one's self off of in the name of science! These poor little things should be just absolutely dead, all of 'em. You shouldn't be able to find them in the wild, they should only be found in after you take the Dumbass Fossil to the Pewter Museum of Science and bring it back.
But somehow, these things lived, maybe because they just ended up fainting after a God-knows-how-many feet fall off of a cliff to their imminent death. I mean, a Steelix can tackle a Rattata at full force, and all it needs is a Pokécenter. Maybe this works? But I still can't get with it at all.
5 Drifloon: NO FATTIES
The Offending Entries: "It tugs on the hands of children to steal them away. However, it gets pulled around instead. / It dislikes heavy children."
Okay, so the whole concept meeting behind Drifloon must have went something like this:
"It's a balloon, but it carries kids away to the afterlife."
"Of course! What a great concept - child murder in a game about children participating in animal fights! Greenlighted!"
That's kinda effed up as is, but Pokémon as a series has never had a problem getting really dark with their entries. Where they didn't need to do, though, was to go after the fatties. They're your bread and butter, Nintendo! I should know, I was (and still am) a chubby kid gamer that worshiped the Pokémon games. And I'm telling you, we fatties want to get abducted and murdered by sentient ghost-balloon Pokémon just like our skinnier friends.
4 Chimchar: FLAMING FARTS!
The Offending Entry: "Its fiery rear end is fueled by gas made in its belly. Even rain can’t extinguish the fire."
It finally happened, dear readers. Twenty-one entries in, and we have our first fart joke!
*Cheering, Air Horn Noises*
Ah, that feels good, doesn't it? It wouldn't be a funny article without a fart joke, so having hit all of the items on my checklist, I can move forward peacefully.
But really, can you imagine how insanely volatile the intestinal tract of a Chimchar must be? Or how bad it has to smell? Can you like, work around in there and get him to focus his fiery poots, using him like a little monkey blowtorch? That would be so amazing.
Anyway, this is a brilliant Pokédex entry, and it's here because it is so wonderful to read. It may be absolutely dumb and completely juvenile, but it's totally hilarious.
3 Charizard: NEWS FLASH! Fire Hurts
The Offending Entries: "Spits fire that is hot enough to melt boulders. / Its breath inflicts terrible pain on enemies."
Alright kids, let's start with something important. How hot does something have to be to melt boulders, exactly? Well, I'll tell you. At its hottest, we're talking temperatures of over 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit. That's ten times hotter than boiling water, which can leave third-degree burns in a matter of moments. And the Pokédex entry is telling us that it can inflict terrible pain on enemies?
Actually, it's total B.S., now that I think about it. At 2,000 degrees, the burns would incinerate the nerve endings in your skin faster than they could actually send pain signals to your brain. It's so hot that there's not a way for you to actually feel the scope of the burn before it destroys you.
So yeah, I can see how that could cause terrible pain. Just like how getting struck by lightning causes static cling.
2 Electrode: Committing Suicide Out Of Boredom
The Offending Entry: "It is dangerous. If it has too much electricity and has nothing to do, it amuses itself by exploding."
Amuses itself? Does it amuses itself by literally exploding? Like, to forcefully disintegrate oneself by some means, usually by incendiary device? You mean, like suicide? This damn thing is so volatile and so stupid that it commits suicide when it gets too bored?
God, how does anyone in the Pokémon world survive to adulthood? Between the Electrodes and Turtonators, the world should be a pile of broken craters and scorched earth. Covered in the boogers of rogue Popplios, and completely devoid of children thanks to the Drifloons carrying them off to their deaths. And don't forget, it's also completely featureless and flat thanks to the Tyranitars leveling the world because it stepped on a Shellder or something.
Like seriously, what the hell could survive in a world like this?
Oh God, I saw the next entry. Why?!
1 Magikarp: God's Perfect Idiot
The Offending Entry: Pretty much all of them.
There is no Pokémon more reviled than Magikarp. It is so useless and terrible that even the game developers have just made a tradition out of trashing at every opportunity:
"It is the most weak and pathetic POKéMON in the world." - FireRed
"...many Pokémon enjoy longer life spans, thanks to Magikarp." - Moon
How does something so terrible and worthless actually survive? Sun and Alpha Sapphire have some answers for us: "This Pokémon is incredibly fertile. / It... can survive in any body of water no matter how polluted it is."
So it sucks at life, but it's the boss of making babies. I mean, I guess that's how survival works, but still. Drop as many turd grenades you can, fry them at 2,000 degrees, eat them raw and five days past their expiration date, and Magikarp will just keep on Karpin'.
I mean, we're also all going to grab at least one to evolve a Gyarados, so I guess all Pokémon trainers are doing their own little part.