Hello, SEO-generated traffic! If you’re here, it’s because you’re excited about the new update and DLC for Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Or you hate Animal Crossing and opened the article to be mad at slow updates and paid DLC for a game you don’t even like. Or you’re bored at work. A click is a click.

But whatever you may be, you know there’s new content coming for Animal Crossing: New Horizons that changes everything. Kapp’n’s back, Gyroids are back, and I’m back. I’m back on my Animal Crossing shit. I’m genuinely excited to have a shop plaza and new design options because I’m a man in his 30s who lives alone and sees life as a dark hallway that gets more tiring with every step. I know that sentence seems like a joke, but it’s actually true.

Related: Top Five Handheld Emulators That Will Never Bring Your Childhood BackThat said, even with the DLC coming as part of Nintendo’s new great value/too expensive/insert own opinion online Expansion Pack, it’s not perfect. There’s still just a few more things Nintendo could do that would make Animal Crossing: New Horizons truly incredible.

Tom Nook

7.) Kill Tom Nook. I don’t mean that figuratively. Kill him. Off camera. You find his body outside the town hall one morning. By the time everyone’s woken up, the whole town knows they’ve got a killer on their hands. But who could’ve done that? Camofrog? Opal? Norma? Cashmere? Well, not Cashmere, because he’s an idiot. But who could’ve been the one to finally do what we’ve all been thinking about doing for so long. So long we’ve wanted this. And now it’s happened and all we feel is despair.

6.) Add an inescapable air of suspicion. Animal Crossing is all about being social - whether with your friends or with the cute animals on your island. Except that stops right now, because one of them is a murderer. I don’t mean “murder mystery dinner.” Somebody killed Tom Nook. You all moved to the island for a sense of peace, which has now been shattered. And just because you wanted him dead doesn’t mean you won’t be next. How many bells do you remember having in your bank account? My, you haven’t played in quite some time. The interest on those bells in the bank must be immense. Who would know how much you have? Isabelle?

5.) Has anyone talked to Timmy and Tommy? They have a solid alibi. They’re pretty broken up over it, poor kids. Nintendo should add a fruit basket you can send to them. Wait, stop, they got murdered. Cancel that fruit basket order if you can.

4.) Gather all the neighbors in one place. Add new dialogue in which everyone is just fucking panicking. I’m talking full-out Twilight Zone-style fear. Have Norma suggest it’s Camofrog. Makes sense, right? Camofrog denies it, but he’s the only one here with military training. Then Camofrog should call everyone paranoid and run out of the meeting. It’s definitely Camofrog. Even that idiot Cashmere can see it. It’s gotta be. It would be fun if the DLC here had everyone match eyes and then get real quiet.

3.) Fuck, they just killed Camofrog too. What? But he was supposed to be the killer. He wasn’t even rich. Why would the killer choose him? Military connections? It doesn’t make sense. But now there’s one house empty and a city marked by quiet. Camofrog wasn’t always pleasant, but he was good. He was fair. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you give him a different shirt. It could be anyone. The Dodos? Over what? And why couldn’t it have been Cashmere?

Animal Crossing New Horizons Stamp Rally Blathers Handing Over Memento

2.) No, you fools! It’s not Blathers! But if Nintendo added this to the DLC, they wouldn’t listen to you. The town thirsts for blood. You tell them that Blathers couldn’t have done it because he was asking you to stop bringing him fossils he’s seen before. Norma, holding a cute little pitchfork that you can trade for a torch made of newspaper and hate, reminds everyone that Blathers is nocturnal. Blathers can see at night. Owls can be real quiet. Norma and Isabelle drag Blathers to the town square. Cashmere laughs and laughs as he binds the owl to a wooden stake. Opal pours gasoline on Blathers, who begs. Absolutely begs. They don’t listen. You don’t even know if you listen.

1.) Guys. Cashmere’s place is empty. No, he’s not dead. He’s gone. Do you think…? Oh my God. Look under here. Tom Nook’s wallet. All this time. All this time he was right here with us. None of us knew. We were all so busy thinking Cashmere was the stupidest Animal Crossing: New Horizons character that we didn’t see it was all a plan. He killed Tom Nook for the money. Timmy and Tommy had access to his bank accounts, so he needed to go. And Camofrog? Maybe his military training made him suspicious. Maybe he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. We allowed this to happen. All of us. All of us are guilty. Even when we leave this island, we won’t forget Blathers’ screams. We won’t forget the fear in our eyes as Cashmere feasted upon our terror.

While implementing these ideas may be tough - and let’s be honest, Nintendo’s already decided what’s going in! - it would really increase the replayability of a game that many fans put down around this time a year ago. Whether or not Nintendo lowers a cloud of violence and hate that tears a community apart is out of our hands. But I guess we’ll all find out for ourselves when the Animal Crossing update hits November 5th!

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