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Assassin's Creed: 25 Things About Ezio Auditore That Make No Sense

An Assassin's Creed game is only as good as the Assassin we play as, and no other Assassin has reached the heights of popularity that Ezio Auditore has. Introduced to us in Assassin's Creed II, Ezio definitely left an impression. He was hot-headed and always quick with a wry comment at the right moment. Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad, from the first game, was a great character, but his brooding demeanor was nothing we had not seen before. Ezio's growth from a young boy to a grizzled man was something all gamers could get behind with relish.

Despite being the most beloved Assassin of all time (boy, that sure sounds weird to say), Ezio has his flaws. I'm not talking about his temper, which is actually one of his more relatable personality traits. I'm talking about some serious flaws with how he functions as an Assassin. There are some things about him that just don't make any sense. Granted, we are talking about a secret order of noble people who can survive the most illogical of parkour moves, but that doesn't mean we should lower our standards of rationality.

I like Ezio Auditore. He's my favorite Assassin as much as anyone's. But I can't ignore that he has made decisions that are nonsensical or performed actions that are, quite frankly, impossible. Some of these issues arise from the story and others come from the game-play. Either way, our best Assassin has some pretty strange imperfections. Read on if you want to learn why Ezio Auditore da Firenze occasionally makes no sense.

25 Literally The Best Assassin?

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Ezio Auditore starts off as one of the freshest Assassins in the expansive group of Assassins around the world. That does not stop them from seeking his assistance all the time.

He has had to help out the Assassins in Italy, Rome, and Turkey.

Could none of these Assassins do what they needed to do by themselves? Surely their training should have been equal to the one Ezio received. Why is it that he's the one who has to solve all of their problems?

24 Genetically Related To A Bird

via: assassinscreed.wikia.com

One of the game-play mechanics in the Assassin's Creed games is Eagle Vision. This ability allows Assassins to distinguish friend from foe. The world turns a grayish color, while enemies are highlighted in bright red or gold. This makes it super easy to find and eliminate targets.

But come on. How is Eagle Vision something you're born with? It is said that Eagle Vision is a trait that Assassins have within them. What kind of wonky genetics is this?

23 Is Hay That Soft?

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An Assassin diving from a high tower safely onto a hay cart is an iconic moment for a ton of Assassin's Creed games. Assassin's Creed II is no exception. Ezio leaps onto hay as much as the next Assassin. But honestly, this shouldn't be possible.

Collected hay is not nearly as soft as these games are portraying it to be.

Ezio should have broken all of the limbs in his body given how many times he's just thrust himself off of buildings onto these "cushioned" hay carts.

22 The Ending For Our Favorite Assassin

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A heart attack is not the way we thought our most kick-behind Assassin would bite the dust, but there you have it. In Assassin's Creed: Embers, Ezio is sitting on a bench at the ripe old age of 65 when he suddenly clutches his chest. His wife and daughter turn to look at him, and he's already slumped over on his seat.

Excuse me, but what?! This is the end for the most awesome Assassin who ever lived?! No blaze of glory for Ezio Auditore. He couldn't even perish from an unfortunate hay cart accident.

21 Oddly Timed Mercy

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Ezio went on a rampage in his attempt to avenge the unjust hanging of his father and his two brothers. However, when Ezio reached Rodrigo Borgia, the cause of all of Ezio's misery, and had him at his mercy, he chose to spare his life.

As Ezio lowered his blade, he solemnly stated that ending Borgia would not bring his family back. Umm, hate to break it to you, Ezio, but you have slaughtered dozens of people to get to where you are now. Why stop with the man most responsible?

20 Concealed Great Sword

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As you play through Ezio's story, his skill set as an Assassin is not the only thing that grows over time. His arsenal of weapons also expands. I have no problem with an Assassin having access to a varied selection of weapons, but some of the larger ones leave me scratching my head in puzzlement.

An Assassin's biggest tool is anonymity. Having a giant halberd sticking out from your back kind of defeats the purpose of secretly disposing of someone, doesn't it? 

19 City Development Skills

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Ezio's uncle, Mario, is the man who saves what is left of Ezio's family. He offers shelter to Ezio's mother and little sister at his villa in the town of Monteriggioni. In exchange for helping out his kin, Mario asks for Ezio's help in rebuilding Monteriggioni.

As Ezio matures and reaches his goal of eliminating everyone who had a hand in his father and brothers' passing, Ezio also expands Monteriggioni into prosperity. Where exactly did Ezio pick up these city-planning skills though?

18 Quick To Judge And Quick To Laugh

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The first time we truly play as Ezio (not including that initial baby scene) is when he's gotten himself into a fight. He mocks his opponent and then proceeds to punch his way out of the situation.

This approach to problems more or less remains with Ezio for the rest of his life, though to be fair, he does learn cool Assassin skills to help him along. If he's such a hothead, how is it that he is able to make friends with even the rudest of people? 

17 His Father's Secret

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This is more of an issue with Ezio's father than an issue with Ezio himself. We learn after Giovanni Auditore's execution that he was a secret Assassin. The secret order that Ezio eventually joins once included Giovanni as one of its members.

If that was the case though, why was it that Giovanni was so easily trapped by his enemies? Couldn't he have figured out a way to help himself and his sons escape their doom? Or better yet, couldn't he have figured out that he was going to be betrayed ahead of time?

16 How Easy Is It To Sneak Into The Vatican?

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Despite withstanding several sieges over the course of history and having some of the highest security in the known world, it only takes a few quick hops and a few short stabs for Ezio Auditore to sneak into the Vatican. Twice.

Understandably so, infiltrating the Vatican is one of the later missions, but that still did not lessen my shock at how simple it was to free-run my way through the place. Are Swiss Guards really that easy to dodge and take out?

15 The Richest Assassin

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In order to purchase favors, bribe officials, and buy new weapons, Ezio needs to have a lot of cash on hand. As I was playing Assassin's Creed II, I was always surprised with just how much money Ezio carried.

I mean, sure, a pickpocket or two would steal a few florins when I wasn't paying attention, but Ezio had a literal fortune on him. I'm amazed he did not think to buy his way to his targets. He was richer by Lorenzo de Medici by the end of the game.

14 Always Time For Feathers

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Ezio's younger brother, Petruccio, had this weird obsession with collecting bird feathers when he was alive. After Petruccio's passing, Ezio has the option to collect a bunch of feathers to give to his bereaved mother so that she can feel better.

I understand doing something kind for your mother to ease her grief, but Ezio was dealing with important matters of his own. Were feathers really that important for him to take a break from his Assassin stuff so he could clamber up onto a roof to retrieve them?

13 They See Me Rollin'

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Subtlety is supposed to be an important quality of an Assassin. Blending in with the crowd is essential in order to get close enough to your target to strike. Anyone ever notice how Ezio doesn't really blend in?

Ezio's uniform is so flamboyant, he definitely stands out in a crowd.

If you were to take one look at him on the street, you would know immediately that he was stalking the road looking for someone to stab his hidden blade into. How are you supposed to hide in the shadows when you're wearing white?

12 It's A Secret Society

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Not only does Ezio's Assassin clothes scream that he's an Assassin, he actually tells people himself. Throughout the Assassin's Creed games that Ezio appears in, he meets a variety of people. Some of these people are well-known historical figures to us now.

Frequently, Ezio will not be shy about his Assassin origins to these people.

If Ezio is being far from tight-lipped, how is it that the whole world does not know of the Assassins by now? Ezio's got the gift of gab.

11 What Is The Meaning Of Life?

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By the end of Assassin's Creed II, we find out that the reason Ezio had to take possession of the Apple of Eden and hear that message from Minerva was so that Desmond Miles, in the future, could hear it too.

Using the Animus, Desmond was able to see through Ezio's eyes and hear through Ezio's ears. Was it a tad disappointing to anyone else that Ezio's existence was reduced to being a communication device from an extremely distant descendant? 

10 A Poster A Day Keeps The Guards Away

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Whenever Ezio enacted some blatantly Assassin-y behavior in front of guards, his notoriety level would rise. Once it reached a certain point, Ezio became notorious, which meant that guards recognized him on sight as being a criminal.

Once that happened, all Ezio had to do to reduce his notoriety was roam around town and remove some wanted posters of himself. Clearly, posters are the only way the guards of a city could remember that Ezio was a criminal.  

9 You've Got A Friend In Me

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In Assassin's Creed: Revelations, Ezio Auditore befriends a young Suleiman I, the man who we know will become a sultan of the Ottoman Empire. Suleiman suspects that people are planning to attack him so that he will never ascend to his seat of power.

He tasks Ezio with the job of finding out who is going to betray him.

For a man so concerned (rightly so) that he is going to be attacked, Suleiman was quick to trust Ezio Auditore, a known Assassin.

8 Them Climbing Skills

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The most impressive aspect of any Assassin is their climbing abilities. They are able to grasp onto the tiniest of handholds and use them to lift their bodies up to the highest of precipices. But apparently, this most valuable of skills was not imparted to Ezio by the Assassins.

Both he and his brother could "free-run" before Ezio was ever inducted into the group. Did Ezio even really need Assassin's training to be able to do what an Assassin needs to do?

7 Completing The Codex

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Part of completing Assassin's Creed II's story required Ezio gathering decoded Codex pages and then assembling them at Monteriggioni. Once they were all gathered, they revealed the secret location of a place the Assassin's had been trying to find for ages.

Was Ezio seriously the only Assassin who could figure out the mystery of these Codex pages? Are you telling me no one else in the group had the smarts to do the same? Ezio was practically a rookie Assassin for crying out loud.

6 Starting From Scratch

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Ezio is the only Assassin in an Assassin's Creed game to have himself some sequels. All other Assassins have had their one-off stories and then their tale was done.

This presents some problems regarding the story because in order to keep each game fresh, Ezio's skills had to be set back at the beginning of each sequel so that players could progress his skill-set throughout the entire game. So Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood felt as if Ezio's abilities regressed from the first game.

5 Meeting Machiavelli

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The Niccolo Machiavelli that we know from history is a man who propagated the idea that it is better to be feared than it is to be loved. He sounds like a villain, doesn't he? Well, in Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood, Ezio Auditore meets and befriends Niccolo Machiavelli.

How is it that Machiavelli became associated with the Assassins?

Calling someone Machiavellian these days means that they're lacking a moral code. Now does that sound like someone Ezio would associate with?

4 The Perfect Hiding Place

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Ezio Auditore is entrusted with the Apple of Eden at the end of Assassin's Creed II. This item is of extreme importance to the Assassins. They have spent eons in search of the Apple, and they have sworn their lives to protect it.

When it comes into Ezio's care, he decides to hide it beneath the Colosseum. For those of you who haven't heard of the Colosseum, it is a pretty well-known place. Why would Ezio hide the Apple in a building that is highly populated?

3 The Hug I Missed

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Leonardo da Vinci is one of Ezio's best buddies in Assassin's Creed II. I was more excited to see their displays of friendship than I was of seeking Ezio's revenge. And you know what makes absolutely no sense to me?

The fact that a freaking Quick Time Event is what determines whether or not Ezio reciprocates a hug Leonardo offers him makes no sense. The male bonding should have occurred whether I was able to press a GOSH-DARNED BUTTON at the right time.

2 All The Single Ladies

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One of the methods Ezio could employ to distract guards was to pay some courtesans to dance and make cooing noises in front of them. The guards would be effectively entranced by the ladies, and Ezio could sneak past them.

The first problem with this is that Ezio apparently had enough coin to constantly pay these women all the time. The second problem is that all of these guards are slavering fools to be tricked by this same method multiple times. You'd think at some point they would pick their jaws from the floor and learn a lesson.

1 How Didn't He Lose His Mind?

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Despite becoming an Assassin, Ezio led a fairly straightforward life before he encountered the Apple of Eden. After that, Ezio became aware that there were beings in this world of a higher power than humans.

Don't you think he handles this with remarkable aplomb?

He just kind of accepts the fact that there are strange, holographic beings that are foretelling of great danger to the world. I would be struck with disbelief and shock. My mind would not be able to take it all in.

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