Retro gaming is “in” right now, and it’s up to us to keep it that way! Revisiting these classic titles has so many advantages. It keeps the conversation of classic gaming alive. It keeps developers interested in iterating upon them in the future. And heck, a good game is a good game. The trick is knowing which games are worth your time, and which ones we should not bring up around the dinner table.
Below is a list of twenty notoriously bad old-school games that no one should ever play under any circumstance ever unless you are, yourself, writing a list of twenty bad games. Unfortunately, those of us who grew up with these games readily available at our local KB Toys (R.I.P., KB Toys) didn’t have the luxury of knowing how bad they were. The goal here is, should you find yourself accidentally playing one of these wayward titles, you will harken back to this list and in quick fashion promptly discard the cartridge/disc into the nearest dumpster.
These are in no particular order, and the only thing they have in common is that they are all an abomination. Some of these are going to be obvious, but some of them might surprise you. In fact, some of them surprised me. Nostalgia is powerful. We also sprinkled in ten titles that we seriously doubt you played, but should definitely check out! Life is about balance, dude.
30 Bad: Superman 64 (N64)
We know one game that won’t be showing up in the N64 Classic Edition. It’s 1999’s Superman 64; everyone’s favorite game to hate! By the late 90s, fans of Batman: The Animated Series and Superman: The Animated Series were practically begging for a video game that would let us play as our favorite buddies. Neither cartoon got the game they deserved, but the outfall of Superman 64 would live in infamy forever. Why, you ask? Let’s just say, rings. Lots and lots of flying through rings.
29 Bad: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES)
Pizza parlors around the world housed arcade cabinets made sticky by the cheesy hands of 8-year-olds everywhere. One of the arcade machines you would have definitely played is Konami’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. This was a highlight of the arcade.
So, when Konami decided to release a home console version the game for the Nintendo Entertainment System that same year, everyone was psyched. What we got was hard, graphically inferior, and janky. We hope you like Donatello, because that is the only character you even stand a chance with going through this nightmare of an NES title.
28 Great: Earthbound (SNES)
This is quite possibly one of the best RPGs on the Super Nintendo, which is really saying something since that system was the mother for which hundreds of great RPGs were born.
It was developed by Nintendo as a sequel to a game called Mother in Japan. The game is beautiful to look at. The only thing the game had working against it was a late release date in the Super Nintendo’s life cycle. By the time it came out in the US, it was 1995. People were either neck deep in their Sony PlayStation or saving their cash for the Nintendo 64.
27 Bad: Altered Beast (SEGA Genesis)
Anyone who bought a SEGA Genesis received Altered Beast as a pack-in. We all remember the classic beat ‘em up as a staple of that console. We all remember the digitally muffled narrator proclaiming, “RISE from your GRAVE.”
However, try playing this game today, we dare you!
It’s overly difficult for no real reason, hard to control, and for a console that had TONS of great beat ‘em ups, this one can’t hold a candle to those. We know people like this game, but it’s pure nostalgia.
26 Bad: Castlevania 64 (N64)
The Nintendo 64 is going to get picked on a lot in this list, but not as much as you will feel picked on for playing Castlevania 64. Seriously, between wildly loose controls and blurry textures, it was like we were being bullied for liking Castlevania.
Simply put, the game is just dark. Not narratively dark, mind you, it is hard to actually see anything. They released a sequel the same year they released this game. It was like Konami was asking for a do-over.
25 Great: Panzer Dragoon Saga (SEGA Saturn)
This SEGA Saturn exclusive combines an on-rails action shooter with RPG elements, and really pulls it off. The story is not bad, and the game plays hot and fast. The only thing this game had working against it was that it came out on the SEGA Saturn.
The SEGA Saturn was short lived and destined for failure. The Sony PlayStation undercut its price in the market and offered better games that released more often than the Saturn. SEGA did release some great titles for the system, Panzer Dragoon Saga being the most notable. However, it was ultimately lost to time.
24 Bad: Tomb Raider (PS One)
The Tomb Raider series is beloved. We have seen new additions to the franchise this very year! But, boy-oh-boy are those PS One games tough to get through. This is what we call a “polygonal-disaster,” meaning the polygonal design of the game prevents you from telling a rock from a bear. Yikes! The intentions here are good, and future entries in the series are fantastic, but jeez-Louise Lara Croft moves like she’s underwater! And, when she IS underwater she moves like she’s in molasses!
23 Bad: The Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword (Wii)
Like most Zelda games, Skyward Sword was considered a masterpiece upon release. Reviews of the game were in the upper 90s. Armchair Empire via Metacritic says, “Overall, this is the best experience I've had playing a Zelda game since Ocarina of Time...”
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword is not the best experience playing a Zelda game since Ocarina of Time.
The barrier of entry for Skyward Sword is really high. It utilizes the Wii’s motion controls, so you need to get out your sensor bar and have enough space to swing around your arms furiously.
22 Great: Tiny Toons Adventures: Buster Busts Loose! (SNES)
Honestly, this is just a great 2D action-adventure platforming celebration of Tiny Toons. You play as Buster and he can run up walls. Running up walls feels empowering. The sprites are gorgeous. The levels are varied and creative. There is even a game of football you can play in a two-dimensional space. This is one of those games that most people have not played, but sometimes you will be at a party and someone will bring this game up. That someone instantly becomes your new best friend because those are the rules.
21 Bad: Final Fantasy Chronicles: Chrono Trigger/Final Fantasy IV (PS One)
DISCLAIMER: these are not bad games; however, this particular version of these games are a particular kind of punishment that one should only receive for doing something very bad.
The PS One had notoriously long load times and big expansive games that pushed the system. For some reason, these two SNES-era titles throw loading screens whenever you get into a random encounter. In order to play these games, you will need to encounter enemies randomly, A LOT. In other words, these games take 100+ years to complete.
20 Bad: Perfect Dark Zero (XBOX 360)
Rare developed some of the greatest games of the N64 generation. One of those games was a spiritual successor to GoldenEye 007, Perfect Dark. It pushed the N64 console for all it was worth. Easily, this was the best shooter on the system second only to GoldenEye 007.
Perfect Dark Zero was rumored to come out as a follow up on the N64, then later it was rumored to release on the XBOX (original)... then finally it came out TWO GENERATIONS LATER on the XBOX 360. We all played it and collectively went, meh.
19 Great: Dragon Quest VIII (PS2)
This is a Dragon Quest game, which are infamously not popular in America yet hugely successful in Japan. It is a turn-based RPG with characters designed by Akira Toriyama (the guy who designed Dragon Ball Z). This game is beautiful and has all kinds of personality.
Again, no one really played this game when it released in the States because we only have time for one RPG in this country: Final Fantasy. It received a second chance on the 3DS and did pretty well. Anyways, everyone should play Dragon Quest XI on the PS4/PC!
18 Bad: Donkey Kong 64 (N64)
Everyone wanted to like this game. It was a Donkey Kong title that was finally going to exist in a three-dimensional space! Banjo Kazooie and Super Mario 64 were already blowing our minds! However, Donkey Kong 64 combines Rare’s useless collect-a-thon challenges with a ton of backtracking, and most of us put it down out of boredom. Going back to it now is nearly impossible since 3D platformers have evolved so much. The camera alone will make you throw your controller straight-through your television. Well, that and bad controls...and also who is Lanky Kong?
17 Bad: Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero (PS One, N64, SEGA Genesis)
If the year was 1997 and you told your grandmother that you wanted Mortal Kombat for Christmas, then you would almost certainly be unwrapping this on that holiday morning.
The game tricked everyone into thinking that it WAS NOT a platformer with the controls of a Mortal Kombat game, but it WAS.
Every game has a story, and some of those stories are fascinating. Some of those stories, however, feature a sorcerer named Quan-Chi. Those stories should not be told.
16 Great: DuckTales 2 (NES)
The Nintendo Entertainment System had so many on-point 2D platformers that it’s easy to lose track of them. Capcom licensed DuckTales and made a great game; however, their follow up was even better. The bouncing of Scrooge McDuck’s cane was more precise. You could go back through levels and collect hidden items. While the gameplay was familiar to the first title, there were so many improvements, it’s basically brand new. DuckTales 2 is actually a collector's item, although you can play it on the Disney Afternoon Collection for PS4.
15 Bad: Sonic The Hedgehog 3 (SEGA Genesis)
If you owned a SEGA Genesis, then you likely played not one, but all of the Sonic games. They were staples of the system, but not all of them were good. Sonic The Hedgehog 3 had development troubles, and as a result we have a game that just, kind of, stinks. The levels are poorly designed. The music has since been scrubbed from many versions of the game due to Michael Jackson’s involvement. In this case, it’s best to stick to the first two titles and let this one rest in peace.
14 Bad: Kingdom Hearts 2 (PS2)
People either love or hate the Kingdom Hearts series. The first game was a novel concept with a strong-ish combat system and great visuals. The second game was that again, except boring-er. Kingdom Hearts 2 wastes so much of your time. If you do not believe us, listen to MC Chris explain it here. Warning, this video is hilarious.
This game also makes you retread a lot of the same stuff you explored in the first game. For shame Kingdom Hearts 2, for shame.
13 Great: Final Fantasy Tactics (PS One)
Most people remember Final Fantasy VII as the premiere Final Fantasy title on the PlayStation. This is correct, and that game is excellent. You might have even played Final Fantasy Tactics, thinking you were going to get some more hot Final Fantasy action. This would have been incorrect because Tactics is a tactical-RPG much like Fire Emblem or Advance Wars.
Give it another go. You will not be disappointed twice. This game is nearly perfect at what it does, and in a lot of ways, it holds up better than Final Fantasy VII.
12 Bad: Quest 64 (N64)
Renting this game from Blockbuster Video will give you the kind of weekend that leaves an 11 year-old cursing the very store that would carry such nonsense. Truly, what the heck is this game?
Hard. That’s what it is. Quest 64 hard to play and hard to understand.
When the N64 was a brand new baby console, we were all dying for titles. Quest 64 was an early release that touted itself as an RPG for the N64, but to what end? It looks bad and plays worse. Every early enemy in the game can and will knock your character back to whatever rural log cabin he came from.
11 Bad: The Lion King (SNES/SEGA Genesis)
The Lion King will squash you into tiny pieces of GAME OVER faster than you can say “Hakuna Matata.” This optimizes a trend in licensed games that might look great, but are so hard that most people never see past the second level. The enemy hit boxes and platforms are so noticeably off that even as a child one could begin to grasp poor game design. Again, the game looks great, but also, who cares if you have no chance of seeing the whole thing?