It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, or rather, it was about a month ago, because Christmas is now just two sleeps away. Some things never change at TheGamer, so I'm writing about Pokemon again. Since it's Christmas though, I'm going to write about Delibird, the Christmas Pokemon. Right? Wrong! Delibird can fuck off.
Delibird is not a Christmas Pokemon. This is not some religious pontification about keeping the true spirit of Christmas always in your hearts, it's just a scathing takedown of Delibird, a Pokemon I hate. It looks a bit like Santa Claus. I get that. It also gives you presents. Case closed, I guess. But no, let's look a little closer. Sure, it kind of looks like Santa, except it's a penguin. Penguins are not Christmas animals. Reindeer are Christmas animals, that's why Stantler is a Christmas Pokemon. Robins are too, so there's room for Fletchling, but only until it evolves. Then it just becomes a big ugly bird. As features editor Eric Switzer has already pointed out at length, we lack a turkey Pokemon, but if we had one it would most definitely be a Christmas Pokemon.
Delibird is known as the 'Delivery Pokemon', but this is not necessarily because of its presents. In fact, most of its Pokedex entries refer not to the gifts, but to the food it constantly carries in its tail. "It carries food all day long. When someone is lost in the mountains, it shares that food," reads the entry from Black 2 & White 2, but most of them say something similar. Indeed, none of its entries discuss presents or gifts at all. Only one, Sun's "Although it naturally prefers colder locales, Delibird in Alola seem able to withstand the heat to a certain extent", avoids mention of it storing food. Delibird keeps food in its tail, and has been known to share it with explorers. That's a pretty good gimmick. It's not Christmas though, so what's it playing at?
I wouldn't mind all this if it gave good gifts. Look, we've all had to sit there and smile while we open a shit jumper before - I'm a grown adult, I can afford basically everything I need for myself anyway. Part of the appeal of Christmas as you get older is the slightly rubbish presents, isn't it? What I don't do though is sit around at my grandparents house on Christmas Day and chuck an exploding box at them. That's what Delibird does. Presents it keeps in its tail, not a bag, meaning it's basically shitting presents at your face. That’s the spirit of Christmas, is it? Aye, thought not. Give me Stantler any day of the week. Well, just Christmas Day, really. It's not exactly my favourite Pokemon either, but at least it has a purpose.
Delibird, however, has no purpose. Present, this attack where it flings exploding boxes at you, doesn't just ruin Christmas Day, it's rubbish. Drill Peck, the only other move it will learn in its life without the aid of a TM, is decent, but hardly worth having one in your party for. It's just all-around rubbish. It has no evolution, and its highest stat is Speed with base 75. Its total stat value, 330, is the same as Aron, Teddiursa, Buizel, and Voltorb. Do I need to say it again? This Pokemon is seriously rubbish.
The problem is it’s indelibly tied to Christmas, meaning for one month every year, I'm made to think about it constantly. It also shares the same stats as Luvdisc, a Pokemon that despite looking like a heart, has had the decency to go away and not make itself the Valentine's Pokemon. The last time I thought about Luvdisc was when I took a very nice photo of it in New Pokemon Snap earlier this year, and the last time before that was never. Thanks, Luvdisc, for never bothering me.
Delibird though bothers me constantly through the holiday season, and even though we all know it's naff, it comes back every year. Two more sleeps, kids. Two more sleeps until Delibird goes away.