Elden Ring has strong mommy and daddy energy. Much like previous games in the FromSoftware pantheon, Hidetaka Miyazaki and friends seem determined to create characters we will inevitably fall in love with. Whether this affection stems from the right or wrong reasons is irrelevant, we are here to simp and simp alone.
But The Lands Between is much larger than Yharnam, Drangleic, or anything that came before it - and thus the potential for simpage is larger than ever. This game is filled with buff boys and melancholic cuties, some of which will cuddle you amidst the ruined apocalypse or try to murder you purely for the banter. It’s all fair game in Elden Ring, so here are seven characters across the critically acclaimed RPG that are just waiting for you to stan them.
Roderika The Spirit Tuner
Roderika is classic simp fodder. We find her moping in a decrepit shack away from the rain outside of Stormveil Castle, where she talks about how many of her friends and family have fallen victim to an evil curse and have become part of a larger, far more sinister monster.
She is properly bummed out, as anyone would be, so we’re given the option to invite her over to The Roundtable Hold where she will reside by the fire until undertaking the occupation of a spirit tuner. Roderika speaks with a calming softness, like you want her to read you bedroom stories by the Hold’s fire so the creatures awaiting outside become a distant memory.
We love a dainty, petite, and vulnerable woman in these games we can both save and confide in, boxes that this character manages to tick and then some. I’m totally worried someone is going to waltz in and murder her when I’m away doing my business though.
Blaidd The Wolfman
I wouldn’t call myself a furry. I’m attracted to Ratchet and Clank’s Rivet more than I’d like to admit, but I’d rather set a fursuit on fire than be seen wearing one. More power to those hobbyists, but it takes something special for me to simp over beings of the fur kind.
Blaidd fills that hole - and maybe some others if I play my cards right - with his alluring accent, tall stature, and mixture of wolf and human characteristics that make him oddly fun to hang around. He’s also wielding a massive, Berserk-inspired sword, so I know he’d protect me while out on the town if any transphobes get up in our grills. A true ally.
I’m yet to see his questline through to its conclusion, but Blaidd emits a level of caring mystique that helps him stand out in the world of Elden Ring. He isn’t out to get me or trick me into my own eventual demise. He seems well-meaning and courageous, fighting for a cause that is just and protecting those who fall under his service.
War Counselor Iji
This giant boy is found sitting beside his forge ahead of the Liurnia Manor, watching over his mistress and any potential warriors who stumble upon her abode. I won’t spoil his true intentions here, but he’s a beefcake who loves his literature and can smash you harder than his anvil if you get to know him.
He’s friends with Blaidd, so you can even swap stories and learn about his furry companion - perhaps there’s potential for a polycule here? I’ve always been a sucker for Soulsborne characters who speak with an excessive eloquence, words slipping off their tongues like poetry in a way that makes every line a joy to behold.
Iji is just like that, but he’s also a giant, so you’ll need to be careful when spooning or introducing him to relatives. Fitting into doorways might be a problem, but given all the property in The Lands Between is destroyed you'll be sleeping outside anyway.
Ranni The Witch
You shouldn’t normally trust witches, but if they’re cute and blue I’ll let my faculties slip faster than you might think. Imagine Big Hat Logan if he were a cute mommy - that’s Renna. She can be found behind the manor guarded by Oji where she is situated in one of three towers spread across the ethereal back garden.
She’s recruited Oji, Blaidd, and some sorcerer, who is such a massive prick I won’t bother naming him, to uncover a deep dark secret. You can choose to help, but I feel there is something sinister afoot in doing her being. But that hasn’t stopped me from simping before, and it certainly won’t stop me now.
Ranni has a doppelganger of sorts in the form of Renna, giving me the impression that they’re sisters, arch enemies, clones, or some other shit. Either way there’s something weird going on here, but FromSoftware has us simping over twins yet again in Elden Ring after Dark Souls 3 did the same exact thing. I have to admit, it does have a certain allure.
The Fingers
Be honest, they’d absolutely get it.
Fia
Gamers are all in need of a good cuddle. Their parents never loved them, they’ll never find a meaningful relationship, and Elden Ring is the only form of intimacy any of them will see in 2022. This is why Fia is such a perfect simp candidate. She’s soft-spoken and motherly, residing on a bed in the Roundtable Hold where she offers to hold you against her breast, instilling a blessing into your heart that will make sure you remain safe in battle.
You can spend the entire game ignoring her, but the fact she can give you a cuddle again and again even when her buff still sustains means that FromSoftware is aware that we’re looking for some comfort in this battered and broken world. That, and we’re all simps.
Melina
I swear almost every Soulsborne game has a frail young woman offering saintly advice beside the bonfire, telling tales of legends while carving a subtle path forward for us to follow.
Melina is that character in Elden Ring, one of the first people we stumble across after awakening in The Lands Between. She is an ally without compare, yet equally mysterious in her disposition and how much information she is willing to relay to the player.
But I still love her, thanks to a design that is subtle yet impactful and a voice that makes me want to rest my head in her lap until I fall asleep. Not sure what happened to her eye though, and I hope she isn’t hiding evil intentions that will sacrifice me to the devil or something.
Honourable Mentions:
- Alexander The Giant Pot Man
- Irina
- Two Maiden Husks
- Gatekeeper Gostoc
- Nepheli Loux
- Blacksmith Hewg
- Gurranq Beast Clergyman