I am very close to challenging Elon Musk to a fistfight in my local car park. Tech bros might still stan him as a saviour of the human race who can do no wrong, but his very brief tenure at Twitter has proven the emerald mine mogul is an absolute dumbass. In a matter of days he has caused mass resignations, laid off vital parts of the website’s team, and spent more time replying to strangers with unfunny jokes he stole from elsewhere to alleviate his own insecurities than doing anything of value. It’s been a sight to behold, and to be honest I’m quite angry about it all.
With the World Cup beginning this weekend, analysts are convinced Twitter won’t be able to hold out under the strain, even more so when those responsible for keeping it running are no longer allowed in the offices. They were right to walk away, and hopefully this will be a vital moment in the sobering of Elon’s ego. But it won’t, because men that rich always have to be right.
Ever since I saw his Elden Ring build and thoroughly tore it to pieces, I knew Elon Musk was an awful gamer, and he’s even worse than a number of short-lived projects that met their end thanks to a lack of players, ambition, and support. Even so, they did much better than Twitter is right now. Here’s five of them, partly because I want an excuse to drag this guy.
5 - Radical Heights
Lawbreakers deserved better. There, someone had to say it. Cliff Blezinski’s high-octane hero shooter felt like a mixture of Unreal Tournament and Overwatch, but it launched into a saturated market without enough players willing to support it. Even a budget price point and potential audience across consoles and PC wasn’t enough to save it.
Its audience was low out of the gate, and it was only a matter of months until it ground to a halt. But despite it all there was a sense of continued optimism, like there was a chance for this cool little game to keep on going. There was a vision in spite of its short-sightedness, whereas Elon is currently throwing Twitter repeatedly against a wall when nothing is ever going to stick.
Then along came Radical Heights, a janky ass battle royale experience with a sick vibe that nobody played. For Boss Key Productions it was a last ditch effort to keep the lights on, a game that capitalised on current trends but just wasn’t enough. Even so, you’d still find more people online screaming its praises than Twitter Blue. The only thing people who pay for verification are good for is bullying.
4 - Marvel’s Avengers
I was in the room when Marvel’s Avengers was first revealed to the world at E3 2019. Even back then, there was an overriding feeling that Crystal Dynamics had no idea what it wanted this game to be. Was it a solo adventure, a co-op looter, or a live-service? Turns out the answer was all three, and none of the above, but this didn’t become clear until lukewarm reviews were already out.
There was an overriding sense of dread filling the room as developers acted like this game was suddenly the coolest thing in the world, despite never telling us how it plays or what it would even have us doing. It takes a lot of misplaced confidence to act like you’re already the hottest shit in the world, but Crystal learned from its mistakes and began to craft a title that a small community of players still find some attachment to. That’s at least a small win.
Elon Musk wishes he was Tony Stark, desperate to be a cool superhero ever since Grimes left him for Chelsea Manning. Except he isn’t going to save the world from Thanos, he’s just gonna ruin Twitter because he can’t take a joke.
3 - Amazon’s Crucible
Remember Crucible? Not a lot of people do, but its unusual history is worth exploring. It was Amazon’s first foray into the gaming world before Luna and New World, and it was a glorious disaster. It went through various beta periods before launching as a finished product, then it was clear nobody was playing it, so Amazon unlaunched the thing and put it back into beta, and then proceeded to cancel it entirely because there weren't enough active players to fill even a single lobby. Developers were being asked to play during their downtime to help keep it alive, which is about as dire as things can get.
Yet its journey was fuelled by morbid curiosity, and there was a chance it was going to succeed and finally put Amazon on the map. We wanted it to succeed, but Amazon’s lack of knowledge surrounding the video game industry and how it almost seemed convinced that it could march in with no expertise and be a success because it has mountains of money was its downfall. Sounds a lot like Musk and Twitter.
2 - Anthem
Anthem Next could have been incredible, but EA knew the foundation wasn’t strong enough to support a revamped vision, nor was it willing to throw loads of money into a reboot already doomed by widespread cynicism. Flying around in an IIron Man suit was cool, but everything else was a shadow of what BioWare used to be while desperately trying to crowbar its formula into a dull live service format. It sucked, but we held out hope it was going to be something more, or perhaps BioWare had the talent to bring it back. Musk doesn’t have any talent, he was born in the right place at the right time to build his fortune and become a total loser. He didn’t earn Twitter, he wanted to buy it out of spite, tried to pull out, and is now paying the price. If only his Dad pulled out before having a kid with his step-daughter.
1 - Battleborn
Randy Pitchford is sorta like gaming’s Elon Musk. They both think they’re super cool, they both moan on Twitter a lot, and they both really wish they were Duke Nukem, oblivious to the fact he hasn’t been cool for the better part of two decades. Battleborn thought it could take on the world, ignorant to its bloated roster, busted mechanics, and public perception long before its eventual launch. It was immediately infamous, and Pitchford was unable to take any and all jokes directed at the game’s eventual downfall. He’d take the platform down with him if he could, and Musk sadly has that power at his fingertips.
RIP Twitter, we hardly knew ye.