Final Fantasy 14 is a demanding game. I don’t mean the hardware required to run it - a toaster could handle as much - but instead the time required to experience its story, and the hours you’ll need to set aside to familiarize yourself with its selection of classes is momentous. I’ve poured hundreds of hours into the MMORPG, while members of my free company have long passed the 1,000 mark with a number of jobs still to level into the higher echelons.

Outside of the joyous grind, Square Enix’s online juggernaut demands your time in other ways, especially if you’re playing as a Tank or a Healer. This is one of the few genres where player performance is critical, with expectations weighed upon those who need to either protect, buff, or heal the squad in times of need. I’ve always stuck with DPS classes, knowing I could learn a rotation of skills that are perfect for taking down bosses and supporting my team without twisting myself into a knot of anxiety.

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For someone who struggles with an irrational mindset that people are always judging everything I ever do, stepping up to the plate and committing myself to such roles has always felt impossible. I dabbled a couple of times, only to have a few friendly party members ask me if I’ve done my role quests. I had, yet clearly wasn’t pulling off the correct moves or navigating my team in the right way.

Endwalker

My fellow warriors were lovely about it, but the lump in my throat still refused to subside, so I unequipped my Paladin armour and stuffed it away in the armoire never to be seen again. I’m not sure I’ll ever return to a tank role, but I’m curiously optimistic about my chances with a more traditional healer such as the White Mage. Even if the class itself isn’t for me, I want to prove myself and rise above mental health hurdles that prevent this game from being as engaging as it could be. After all, queueing as a DPS takes forever, so why not learn a class and overcome my silly misconceptions so I can do more, play more, and ultimately learn more about this game I already love so much?

My anxiety disorder is partly why I’m so selective of multiplayer games, often opting for fast-paced or more forgiving shooters like Call of Duty or Overwatch where any of my smaller mistakes are overlooked due to the wider landscape always being filled with fellow players and so much action that dwelling on things is a waste of time. With the exception of Alliance Raids, Final Fantasy 14 is infinitely more contained. The majority of dungeons normally consist of just four players (two DPS, one Tank, one Healer) and all of you have a critical role to play. If healers fail to keep up with the damage being dealt across their team, we’ll inevitably die and need reviving, an act that sometimes takes a while to execute.

Tanks are of equal importance, having much more health and a selection of abilities that can draw the attention of enemies before they pummel your fellow comrades into dust. Fail to aggro all of the foes across a battleground and someone will find themselves in trouble, so it’s your job to read the room and redirect attacks all while dealing ample amounts of damage. DPS just need to beat the shit out of everything, ensuring rotations remain consistent so you can activate combos and special moves that deal huge amounts of damage to each passing monster. I main Red Mage, which is a nice balance between offense and defense. I can use a few skills that enhance my team’s capabilities, while I’ll often be called upon to resurrect fallen healers and tanks in higher-level dungeons.

Final Fantasy 14

That latter responsibility took me a while to nail. Whenever I was asked to resurrect somebody, I’d fly into a panic until a few of my guild members took me into some private dungeons to get some practice. It’s a typical symptom of anxiety, a sinking feeling in your chest that something is immediately going to go disastrously wrong and you’ll be blamed for it. In Final Fantasy 14, it’s impossible to escape this scenario without looking like an idiot and letting your team down, so I had no choice but to adjust, take a deep breath, and push away feelings that I wasn’t good enough. Even if I wasn’t, this is a game and I came here to have fun, so screw what anybody else thinks.

Overcoming this trauma and its notable impact on a series I adore was hugely rewarding, even if small fragments of it still remain. I’ve had friends guide me through larger raids to experience narrative beats I’ve missed, while I’ve gained enough confidence to hurl myself into dungeons and save comrades whenever they need my help. I’m unsure I’ll ever be in a place to take on the likes of Healer and Tank, but I’m enjoying Final Fantasy 14 more than I ever have before, and it’s helped me foster an element of community amongst players who are, more often than not, welcoming to those who might be struggling or aren’t willing to engage with endgame content.

Anxiety isn’t something that is just associated with work, it’s something that infests every facet of your life, even things you enjoy. Overcoming that isn’t easy, but learning to come to terms with it and how to best approach games, films, shows, or fandoms in a way that doesn’t cause triggers to surface is all part of the process. I’d be so much better without any of it, but I’m proud of myself for dealing with obstacles and becoming a better person for it. With Endwalker right around the corner, perhaps I’ll finally take the plunge and try something new.

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