The 1980s doesn't feel like the distant memory that it probably should considering how long ago it was. We are seeing reboots of movies and TV shows from the 80s, bands that started in the 80s are still making music, and some of modern video gaming's most beloved and top-selling franchises got their start in the 80s.
That said, there are also things about the 80s that remind us of how long ago the decade truly was—we're just a couple years shy of being able to say that the 80s was "forty years ago." One of the ways that the 80s feels like the 30+ years ago that it actually is is in its toys—few other things that were created during that decade feel more of-their-time in the most awesomely bad way.
The 80s were something of a crossroads for culture in general, definitely more open-minded and progressive than decades past but still having a lot way to go. It was also at the cusp of technology, when we went from computers seeming like this extravagant luxury item that only rich people had to almost being ubiquitous by decade's end. Finally, it was the turning point between corporations shamelessly selling kids whatever plastic nonsense they could throw together and base off a cheaply-made cartoon, and when actual care started to go into children's entertainment thanks to the rise of Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network in the 90s.
Here are some of the 80s' most hilariously outdated, poorly-made, politically-incorrect, or literally dangerous toys—and why we likely won't ever see anything of the sort again.
30 Action Figures Without The Action
For many people, the golden age of "professional wrestling" will always be the 80s—when the WWE was still the WWF and we didn't yet know what a garbage human being Hulk Hogan was.
These WWF toys from that era, however, are far from golden.
After spending years playing with G.I. Joe and He-Man toys, to go backwards to when figures were basically large, bulky dolls that barely moved seem like an odd choice. All you could really do with these heavy rubber monstrosities is throw them at each other—and try not to break a window in the process.
29 Midge Is A Mom
No matter where you might stand on the issue of when we should start teaching children about the finer things in life, everyone can agree that a Barbie doll with a hallowed-out stomach and a baby inside is the wrong approach.
Midge, a lesser-known member of the Barbie family, was the pregnant doll represented in Mattel's ill-conceived attempt to teach young girls about their bodies. Needless to say, it didn't go over very well, even in the slightly more open-minded 80s—and the fact that Midge very clearly looked to be young didn't help the backlash very much.
28 Low-Definition Gaming
It's easy to take for granted how far video game technology has come—these days, even low-end, generic smartphones can run games that the most top-of-the-line game system from just 15 years ago couldn't have handled.
In the 80s, "mobile gaming" consisted of these monstrosities that barely resembled an actual video game.
Generally consisting of about 4 frames of animation, the same two seconds of action repeated ad naseum, and backed by literal beeps for "music," it's hard to believe that anyone ever had any fun with these ridiculous things.
27 Bugged Out
The reason that we could all have a good laugh about our family catching measles and diphtheria in The Oregon Trail is that those diseases had been largely eradicated in the Western world and felt like something non-threatening from a bygone era.
Similarly, in the 80s, bed bugs were all but extinct, making a game featuring the creatures seem like harmless fun. This is no longer the case following a resurgence of the disease-spreading pests in recent decades, making a colorful kids game starring them feel less lighthearted—especially if you've dealt with them.
26 Bad Habits
To be clear, the Garbage Pail Kids line of collectible cards was always edgy and controversial, even at the time. And it also should be noted that the brand lives on to this day.
But many of the cards in the original line would never cut it today.
Take, for example, "Nervous Rex"—he has four bad things in his mouth, is holding a half dozen more, and is also drinking coffee and soda. Oh, and he is only wearing a diaper, meaning he's still a baby. But hey, at least he's also picking his nose for good measure.
25 Cut It Out
It's hard to imagine that this product was conceived of, designed, produced, and then sent to stores without anyone realizing how inappropriate it was going to be. Or maybe they were banking on it.
Having a pair of safety scissors with the likeness of Wonder Woman definitely seems like a fine idea in theory, but making the handles be her legs and having to spread them in order to cut something takes this utensil aimed at young children and makes it something that likely ended up in dad's desk drawer instead.
24 Loop The Loop
Look, we realize that 80s children have fond memories of the Tomy Racing Turbo. People also have fond memories of pet rocks, too, so our childhood nostalgia isn't always indicative of something's actual quality.
The Racing Turbo basically took baby toy steering wheels and made them for big kids by having a looping racing scene that kids could "drive on." Of course, all this entailed was moving a static car back and forth on 7 seconds of looping footage of a cartoon race course. It was only slightly more interactive than just watching Speed Racer—and far less fun.
23 Vagrant Story
When you've been around as long as Playmobil has, you're bound to have some embarrassing toys in your past that seemed fine at the time but are now seen as insensitive under a more progressive modern lens.
One such example is this set from the company's Victorian line. In it, we have a law enforcement officer of some kind, and... well, a hobo. Their wording, not ours. And even worse, the hobo figure comes with a bottle to hold—and it probably wasn't meant to represent water.
22 Top-Heavy Transformers?
When you hear the phrase "Tranformers: Buresutofōsu," you probably immediately conjure up images of a fan service-heavy spinoff of the iconic series featuring larger, female robots.
If you think there can't be such thing as this kind of robot, you haven't watched much anime.
In actuality, it's just a strangely snicker-worthy name given to robots that have plates that that spawn each robots' corresponding animal, each with names like Jallguar and Drillhorn. Come on, this wasn't the 18th century—of course kids were going to have trouble taking all this talk seriously.
21 Fingerling
We're not even sure what we can say about this toy. Just looking at the toy covers it pretty well. Does it look like E.T.'s wrinkled alien finger, or does it look like... something else?
Maybe it takes an adult's mind to see something other than an innocent nightlight for children based on a popular movie, but suffice it to say that there is a reason today's toy manufacturers are a little more mindful of things like this. E.T. phone home, or a 976 number? Ask someone over 35 to explain that reference to you if you didn't get it.
20 Ugh-lympics
While hilarious video games that couldn't be made today could easily be its own separate list, we had to include this one because it was just too perfect to pass up.
Maybe misogyny in a caveman-based video game makes it "realistic," but it doesn't make it appropriate for kids.
In Caveman Games' most infamous event, you are taxed with grabbing one of the women in the tribe and tossing her like a discus. This event was even used in advertising for the game. To say that this wouldn't fly (no pun intended) today would be an understatement.
19 A Different Kind Of Job
A big stink was made a few years ago—and rightfully so—that Breaking Bad's Walter White was adapted into a toy and sold at Toys R Us. Meanwhile, G.I. Joe was selling these kinds of action figures way back in the 80s.
At least you had to be a Breaking Bad watcher to know what Walt really is.
Headman's action figure packaging, meanwhile, plainly said "Kingpin." Worse, he is dressed in what clearly looks like the boss of a gaggle of ladies of the night! Nothing about this was remotely appropriate for children, bad guy or not.
18 Light-Headed
Other than just being considered a little creepy, Glo Worms weren't inherently inappropriate or ridiculous in and of themselves. In this case, it's what's inside that counts.
It turns out that Glo Worms were filled with various harmful substances.
To be fair, it wasn't like the heads were always leaking poison into kids' beds or anything, but the fact remains that they contained chemicals that shouldn't be anywhere near children—let alone inside toys they snuggle against their faces at night.
Glo Worms have recently made a comeback, but they are thankfully poison-free.
17 Curves Ahead
It's hard to imagine any context containing the phrase "curvy" about a doll that doesn't feel uncomfortable. But that's literally how Growing Up Skipper was advertised, as "cute, little" Skipper could be transformed into "tall, curvy" Skipper with a few twists of her arm.
Yes, it was meant to teach girls about coming of age and their changing bodies, and not for enticement. But having a doll with an expanding top just checks all the wrong boxes. At least Mattel had the decency to have Skipper's skirt get longer rather than shorter.
16 My First Rambo
The entire Rambo film series has been pretty hard-R, but Rambo II in particular is still considered one of the most violent and highest end count-having movies ever. So, you know, perfect thing to base kids toys off of!
Some of you will probably point out that there was also a short-lived Rambo cartoon that was more kid-friendly. Fine, but that isn't what this toy is based on. Also, even during a time when toys like this were more realistic-looking and acceptable than they are now, a fairly authentic toy should've been considered questionable in any era.
15 The Original "Fire TV"
As a whole, the Captain Power toyline wasn't awful—it was decent, if unremarkable. What makes it hilarious and very of-its-time was its attempt at futuristic technology.
Certain Captain Power toys could "interact" with segments of the TV show by having kids shoot at targets on the screen.
And yeah, it worked about as well as you'd imagine. Even funnier was that, if you wanted that expensive toy to interact with the show, you'd better be watching when it's on because that's your one chance—even VCRs were still something of a novelty at the time. Your move, Netflix!
14 Just A Girl
The original "Careers" board game dates back to 1955 and is about getting and maintaining a career. There was nothing about it that was inherently boys-only, which makes the late-80s revision "Careers For Girls" seem unnecessary.
It was also extremely condescending.
Obviously, girls needed a simpler, more streamlined version of the original game. They also needed more woman-specific jobs like fashion designer, animal doctor (because little girls wouldn't know what a veterinarian was), and of course, "super mom." While "Careers" has continued to be revised and spun off over the years, this girl-centric version was quickly phased out.
13 An Outdated Figure
It might seem hard to be offended by the cliche of the lovable singing hobo that hops train cars, but making light of the less-fortunate is probably not in the best of taste no matter how it's done.
Dick Tracy has been around since the 1930s, so it gets a pass for some of its more stereotyped characters.
But by the time of the movie, some of that should have been rethought—like Steve the Tramp, with his toy describing him as "stinking up the city sewers." After much well-warranted outcry, Disney pulled the figure in 1990.
12 U Mad, Bro?
Madballs are strange in that every 80s kid seemed to have at least one, yet nobody really remembers specifically asking for them—they were just inexplicably ubiquitous (say that five times fast).
Madballs are also strange in that it's not clear what you're supposed to do with them. Nobody really played catch with them, but they didn't really do much besides just be round and look gross. And anyone with a dog quickly found them with missing chunks. Beyond just being useless, Madballs would never exist today because they are way too graphic-looking for a modern kid's toy.
11 They're Getting Restless
Playmobil makes its second appearance on our list with its "Western" set that depicts Native Americans in a cartoonish manner that should've been left behind in 1950s cowboy movies.
To be fair, the set does at least try to be somewhat respectful of Native American culture, avoiding things like making their skin overly red (something Lego embarrassingly did in the 70s). But what messes it all up is right there in the middle of the picture—yep, that chief is smoking a peace pipe. So close, yet so very far.