I’m sorry to say this, but I don’t apologize very often. It’s hard for me to admit I’m wrong, both because I was raised and socialized to believe that apologizing is a weakness and because my opinions on games are always the platonic ideal of good as hell. Also, the previous two sentences are lies. I love apologizing. Can’t get enough of it. I will apologize for something you didn’t even notice, just so I can get on the cross and be a martyr.
As I’m sure you can expect, this self-defeating ability to realize I’m wrong has given me a different perspective on a lot of the games I’ve played. I do have strong opinions on games - and as we all know, nobody is more enjoyable to listen to than someone with strong opinions on games. However, there are games I was absolutely wrong about and completely owe an apology. I’d like to address just a few of them here.
Death Stranding
You know what, Kojima? I ain’t the first to say it, and I ain’t gonna be the last: I was wrong about Death Stranding. Okay? All the bad celebrity guest appearances and Monster Energy Drink sponsorships aside, you… you made a good game. And I’m sorry. At the time, a game about society falling apart as absurd people traverse the wasteland to try to bring people back together felt cliched and overdone. And now, almost two years later, it’s still cliched and overdone - it’s just that we happen to live in a world that’s defined by being cliched and overdone.
Playing Death Stranding in 2019 felt like a confusing waltz into a failed fever dream. Playing Death Stranding in 2020 felt like a deeply symbolic, almost prophetic take on society. Playing Death Stranding in 2021 feels like a prophetic failed fever dream, which is kinda spot on. I’m sorry, Death Stranding. I thought you were a bad game. But you weren’t. You were just a good game waiting for a bad time. To Death Stranding, I’m sorry.
PC Building Simulator
I’m sorry I doubted how much fun it would be to build a PC inside a game installed on my PC. I thought it would be boring and make me feel like I was taking a break from my job to do another job. And I was right. But what I didn’t realize was that being very bored? It can be a lot of fun. It’s nice to laze through a job and take my time while listening to a podcast. Sometimes it’s fun to not have fun. I know that sounds counterintuitive but just look at Dota 2. That game’s boring as Hell but people seem to love it. So to PC Building Simulator, I’m sorry.
Dota 2
Look, I’m sorry for what I just said, Dota 2. Would millions disagree with me that you’re boring? Of course. Is it objectively true that people love you and spend thousands of hours playing you? Absolutely. Do you feel like homework with better graphics and marketing? I can’t disagree with you there! But people love you and - let’s be honest - in a world marked by deep, cold sadness, that seems valuable. I’m sorry.
Final Fantasy
I’m sorry I based my entire personality on your series from ages 11 to 14. You were already under a lot of pressure from the transition to PlayStation, and I just made it worse by drawing fan art of my 7th grade English teacher as Aerith. You never deserved that. I’m sorry.
King of Fighters
I’m sorry I based my entire personality on your series from ages 15-16. I’m not gonna shame a boy whose body hit puberty like it was a buffet, but I owe an apology alone for the Iori Halloween cosplay. You never deserved that, SNK. I’m sorry.
The Sims
I’m sorry for telling an ex in college “I didn’t need a family” because of your game.
Duck Hunt
I’m sorry for talking shit about Super Mario Bros. when you were packed in on the same cartridge and then finding out Super Mario Bros. was better. I know you got that a lot and I’m sure it sucks.
Xenogears
I’m sorry I don’t remember anything about your plot. Literally not one goddamn thing.
Grand Theft Auto
I’m sorry I’ve never completed a game in your series outside of Chinatown Wars, which I still maintain is the most fun GTA game. Sorry.
XCOM
I’m sorry I used you and your soldiers as a weird way to work through which real-life friends I valued the most.
Dance Dance Revolution
I’m sorry I was the Typhoid Mary of uncool people enjoying you in South Florida.
Gran Turismo
I’m sorry I stop playing every entry in your series within ten minutes of being asked to qualify for a license. I should give it a better shot, but also, I paid for this game and you should let me just drive and have fun. I’m sorry. I do know where you’re coming from, Gran Turismo.
Crusader Kings
I’m sorry I will spend more time watching videos on how to play you than actually playing you.
Mass Effect
I’m sorry for making the same moral choices every time even though I tell myself I’m going to make different moral choices every time.