Grand Theft Auto is one of the most popular video game series around the world, due in part to the crime-fueled stories each game takes the player on. During these tales, the player meets a wide variety of characters that move the story along. Some have been great (i.e. The Truth, Lance Vance, Trevor), some have been serviceable in progressing the story (i.e. Elizabeta Torres, Donald Love, CJ), and others have been, well, as the name of this list suggests, completely lame.
These characters are the ones that makes us contemplate not completing the game. They stop the story in its tracks and annoy the crap out of us. They are the ones that when replaying GTA San Andreas for the fifth time, I get to them and say, “Oh yea, I hated this part.” That is usually when I stop my playthrough and I end up with five save files at the same mission with Zero and his damn RC shop. But, it is bound to happen.
With a main series of seven games, each with a cast of up to 20 characters, a few here and there are bound to not stick the landing. They simply stand out from the other great characters that Rockstar has written around them. At least they finally figured out that no one liked the RC missions, and thus, the characters that started them. They are the worst...I still have nightmares. So, here are our 15 lamest characters throughout the GTA series.
15 Roman Bellic (GTA IV)
Now, in terms of story structure and tragic characters, Roman is actually great. He tells his cousin Niko that he is living the American Dream. He says he has money, women, cars and houses, but once Niko arrives it turns out Roman is barely getting by with his Taxi service and numerous debts. This is writing I enjoy and can sympathize with. BUT (and that is a large but) the man developed into a frickin meme for a reason. He was annoying! It seemed like every five minutes I would get a text from Roman asking to go bowling. Even if I agreed (which I rarely did), his texts would continue and continue. There is a reason people still write out, “Hello cousin! Want to go bowling?” He is infamous for his lame loneliness. If only Roman didn’t have a cell phone, he wouldn't have to appear on this list.
14 Jizzy B. (GTA San Andreas)
I mean, with a name like Jizzy, chances of being lame are pretty high. Jizzy B is no exception to this either. Jizzy is a pimp and as pimps do, he makes CJ his bitch. You run errands for him, take care of all his problems, all while he insults and disrespects you. The final straw is betraying CJ by selling drugs to Grove Street behind your back. He is not a particularly interesting pimp either, using the same lines and lingo you would expect from a cliched type-cast. His redeeming feature is being voiced by Charlie Murphy. The man has a vocal performance ability showcased on The Chapelle’s Show before GTA SA, and provides one great aspect to an overall lame character.
13 Wade Hebert (GTA V)
When you first meet Wade as Trevor early on in GTA V, I was excited at the prospect of having Rockstar bash on the Insane Clown Posse. Wade sports an elaborate make-up job with a close resemblance to fans of the ICP. However, as the story continues, they never go much further with the jokes and, instead, use Wade as an idiot patsy for Trevor to use. He is an uninteresting vessel for Trevor to speak to in order to give some exposition to the player. He speaks like an ten-year-old kid and doesn't have any real motive at all. Luckily, our exposure to him in GTA V’s story is limited and he does provide a wonderful chuckle when walking around completely covered in shit.
12 Kent Paul (GTA Vice City)
In a city of vice (literally), Kent Paul is the wannabe around the block. He wants to be seen as a big shot, as the foreigner with all the connections. But in reality, he creates more problems than he is worth. His British accent is not even the best of the game (that goes to the Scottish band Love Fist) and he often withholds information that would be important for main character Tommy Vercetti to know. His lamest act of all is calling up Tommy, drunk as a skunk, and claiming to be the reason why Tommy is successful. He begins to cry and talk about how Tommy was his only way to success. It is a pretty lame move for a big shot, if you ask me.
11 Chan Jaoming (GTA Chinatown Wars)
Ah, the drug-addicted takes-himself-too-seriously triad underboss in the sleeper hit of GTA Chinatown Wars. Chan, along with Wu Lee and Zhou Ming, is striving to take the place of the protagonist's recently killed father. Of all those competing for the promotion, Chan is the most unbearable. He is the rich underboss that simply buys his friends and continues his nasty addictions. He is too self absorbed to even notice when the protagonist, Huang Lee, mocks him to his face. He is even kidnapped multiple times, without ever realizing how to prevent it. Luckily and thankfully, Huang is tasked with killing him by the end of the game.
10 Claude (GTA III)
Look, some people love the fact that Claude is the only protagonist in the GTA games to never say a word. I get it, I do. But I don't think you can make an interesting character out of someone who never speaks. This is why we have our first playable character on the list make his appearance. His backstory is pretty cool and it may have been the availability of technology when GTA III was made, but I was never engaged with the story since my character never was. This is why, when going back to replay the GTA games, Vice City and San Andreas still hold up despite their aged graphics. The story and the characters are still interesting this far into the future. I cannot same the same of GTA III.
9 Molly Shultz (GTA V)
We are now getting into what I will refer to as the “intentionally lame” territory. From here on out, our list is (mostly) made up of characters that Rockstar made intentionally lame for the sole purpose of giving something for other characters to complain about. And Molly Shultz fits this definition to a tee. She is the stuck up assistant to the equally lame Devin Weston, giving our three main characters info about each mission. Despite Trevor’s many attempts, she never gives any character besides Devin a second glance, many times screwing them over. It is fitting then, that she meets her end by getting sucked into a jet engine. A great way for a lame character to go.
8 Eddie Pulaski (GTA San Andreas)
What is worse than a cop out to get the main protagonist? The cop’s right hand man and lap dog, Eddie Pulaski. He is the type of lame corrupt cop who is in over his head and just following his partner to whatever end is asked of him. This means he has no real bad intentions, but also no second thoughts for his actions. I find Pulaski so lame because he has no agency in his life. Everything revolves around Tenpenny and pleasing him, even up to the point of killing their other partner, Jimmy Hernandez. Where Tenpenny is an interesting antagonist up against our main character, Eddie Pulaski is the lame annoyance we have to deal with.
7 Ray Boccino (GTA IV)
Ah, one of the faces of the dying italian mafia in GTA IV. Ray Boccino is even described by Niko as being slimy at one point and all the interactions with him in The Lost and the Damned DLC only add to this description. He is the tough-guy Italian attempting to make others believe the mafia is still a real threat. However, these are empty threats and he comes across as a rather helpless character with more to gain and nothing to offer from our main characters. Not to mention, he represents an era that most people are tired of, and therefore, would find pretty dang lame.
6 Tracey De Santa (GTA V)
While Michael’s entire family is pretty dysfunctional, his daughter Tracey is the worst of the lot and we think that it's by a large margin. She is the least likable in a family of unlikable people. Jimmy is so pathetic and self-indulgent that he parodies most players. Amanda is the typical L.A. housewife, obsessed with sex and status. Tracey is the daddy’s girl turned adult star, but there is nothing funny about her. She screams too much and offers no sense of bettering herself (whereas Jimmy at least acknowledges his faults). Any mission involving her or anytime she calls Michael is one of those moments I can barely force myself to get through.
5 Avery Carrington (GTA Vice City)
Now, remember when I said some characters were simply lame because of the missions they have you do? That is Avery Carrington’s problem in GTA Vice City. Most of his missions in Vice City are your run-of-the-mill GTA assignments; go kill someone. But he has one, just one, that brings him all the way to number 5 on our list. The “Demolition Man” mission is the sole reason I have only played through the entire game a few times. It is not that it is hard, it is that RC missions are that hardest to control, stupidest timed things in the whole series. I have broke a few controllers due to that mission and, for that, the lame blame falls upon Mr. Carrington.
4 Denise Clinton (GTA V)
Even Franklin feels our pain. Denise is loud, obnoxious, and a complete hood drama queen. She spouts feminism and strength so aggressively that it forces people not to listen. And again, this is Rockstar making a satirical comment on how these types of people can be, but they do it so effectively that I roll my eyes and tune out every time she gets involved. It got to the point where I'd never go home to change outfits because there was the potential that I'd be shouted at about feminism or have to deal with my dog and the terrible app associated with him (we'll get to that in a sec). She may be purposefully written to be lame, but that doesn't mean she shouldn’t get the title.
3 Manny Escuela (GTA IV)
Nothing is more lame than a phony (just go read Catcher in the Rye). Manny Escuela is the phoniest of phonies to appear in any GTA game. When Niko meets him, he is in the process of making a documentary about his gangster antics and his “cleaning up the streets.” In actuality, he does nothing on both fronts and is seen as a joke by most of the other characters. He is one of those characters that looks down on others while promoting himself, just to hide the multitude of faults he possesses. Luckily, he gets what's comin to him when he tries to expose Elizabeta to the world and she shoots him in the head. Good riddance I say.
2 Chop (GTA V)
Yes, Franklin’s dog is my number 2 lamest character in the entire GTA series. “How could you?” I know, I know, he looks dang cute when hopping in the car and sitting shotgun. But, Rockstar’s insistence that we download an app on our phones to better communicate with Chop was just a lame tie-in that no one wanted to do. In a game with a huge open world filled with cars, guns and prostitutes, did Rockstar really think players would sit and play with a virtual dog who gets hit by cars when you play catch? The answer is no. Now if it turned out Chop was the leader of the Grove Street Families and had been pulling the strings the whole time, maybe I would have spent more time him.
1 Zero (GTA San Andreas)
Yup, another RC mission. Actually, multiple RC missions! And for some reason, CJ becomes the owner of Zero’s RC Shop only to help him out with his dumb RC feud with rival Berkley (if we were doing the lamest feuds in the series, this would also be #1). I honestly can’t stand this set of missions. Zero is an annoying electronics enthusiast who makes us do the worst missions the series has ever known. I’m not kidding when I say almost all my save files for GTA San Andreas are right where the Zero missions begin. I am not enough of a masochist to put myself through that kind of torment. He, and his missions, can go to the lame hell they belong.