When I play Overwatch, I bounce between DPS and Tank heroes. Entirely because of Mercy's design I have dabbled in Support, but I'm frankly not that great at it, so DPS and Tanks it is. I'm in the mood to write about Overwatch, but at the time of writing Overwatch 2 has not yet launched and the original has been shut down. I missed the beta, haven't played for at least a year, and I'm nowhere near enough of an expert to comment on anything meaningful. That's why I'm ranking all of Overwatch's Tanks by how well they could drive a real tank.
Wrecking Ball
Are you kidding? He's a hamster. I know he drives his own mech, but that's specially designed for him. In a real tank he'd just be a useless hamster. Bottom of the list.
Winston
Overwatch finally got a Black woman with the launch of Overwatch 2, but it's odd that they are still outnumbered in the game by animals. In any case, Winston has the opposite problem of Wrecking Ball. He's a big ol' gorilla, and therefore too large for the tank. He's above Wrecking Ball entirely because if you could squeeze him in there (give him a big buttery butt or something), he could probably make a go of it. But also, even then he'd probably break the controls, so second bottom it is.
Sigma
I'm sure Sigma could design a tank fairly well, and might even be able to get his hands dirty enough to maintain and fix one. But driving one? Nah. Sigma's a nerd, and tanks aren't for nerds. Plus, his gravity-based powers don't seem like a good fit for a tank, even if they're a good fit for a Tank. Also the tank too small for he gotdamn feet.
Orisa
Here we have the same problem as Winston - Orisa is too big and likely too strong to operate a tank correctly. However, given Orisa is a robot and can therefore be adjusted as needed, I think a solution is in sight, and I also think that solution probably plays out better than greasing a gorilla up with butter. Still, getting a regular human who can drive a tank seems a lot easier than rebuilding a robot.
Reinhardt
You could come up with basically any list in Overwatch and I'd probably have Reinhardt right in the middle. A very dull and average man who's okay at everything.
Zarya
I am really struggling on where to put Zarya. She's a Russian soldier with arms like Redwoods, so I think tanks would come fairly naturally to her. Then again, it has been heavily speculated that Zarya is gay, and we all know gays can't drive. A pickle. Maybe she'd aim well but struggle with three-point turns. Let's put her in fourth and stop worrying about it.
Roadhog
Roadhog's name implies he's something of an expert driver, so he had to make the top three. His playstyle is far more close quarters than most Tanks though, which doesn't seem too suited than tanks themselves. While sure, tanks can roll over and crush anything in their immediate vicinity, they're used for attacks from a distance, so Roadhog's name gets him a medal, but his combat preferences see him settle from bronze.
Junker Queen
As I mentioned before, I haven't played the Overwatch 2 beta, so I know nothing of Junker Queen besides what she looks like. Still, what she looks like is a person who has been methodically grown in a lab in order to drive a tank, so she places high. Junker Queen also feels symbolic of all my confusing feelings towards Overwatch. Blizzard seems to have been a hellscape of harassment, and yet they've created such a diverse (Black women aside) cast of female characters with a range of body types. For all the oversexualised Widowmakers and Tracers, we had Zarya, Mei, and Moira putting spotlights on different kinds of women too. Junker Queen, with her exposed midriff, has elements of the Windowmaker philosophy, but also seems highly queer-coded and has the sorts of rippling muscles women are often not allowed in popular culture. In any case, good at tanks I reckon.
D.Va
While Wrecking Ball was at one end of the list because of his reliance on a mech, that's why D.Va finds herself at the top. Given that she's the size of a regular human, she slips very easily into a tank and clearly has the expert driving and weaponry skills to drive one. She came here to chew bubblegum and drive tanks, and she's all outta bubblegum. No wait, she has another pack right there.