I began playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons during the pandemic. Being able to be somewhere else - even if it was only virtually - created a mental escape that was very much needed. I thoroughly enjoy being able to create a world that is my own, whether that be planting beautiful gardens, quietly fishing on the ocean while the waves gently hit the shore, or visiting friends and giving them presents. It’s such a calming game, easy to get lost in hours and hours of gameplay. I love it.

Well, to be honest, I don’t love everything about it. In fact, there is something - or someone - I loathe entirely. A furry little slumlord in a green shirt. That’s right - I hate you, Tomas Nookington, better known as Tom Nook.

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When you first get on the island, you’re a novice. Don’t know your softwood from your hardwood, your money rock from your clay rock and is that a fossil? Nook knows that, and takes full advantage. He looks at you with those beady eyes and says, “Go shake trees and pick up some branches. Make yourself useful!”

Does he offer you a warm bed after your long travels? Absolutely not! He hands you a tent and makes you search the island for a place to put it. I don’t know the land yet, sir! Then he has the unmitigated gall to give you a bill! A bill for a tent! A bill for 49,800 bells - which is an absolute and utter rip-off, seeing that it costs 98,000 bells to get a house. Since when does a tent cost almost 50% of what a house costs?! Instead of paying, you can earn Nook Miles to pay for the tent. Yes, that’s right - Nook Miles. This ringtail's narcissism knows no bounds.

Speaking of the house, when it is all said and done you end up spending 5,646,200 bells for a 352 square foot home. The math ain’t mathing, Nook the Crook!

And don’t get me started on his poor nephews, Timmy and Tommy. Are they even getting paid? You never see them with any new clothes, just that Nook Wear shirt and no pants. No pants on an island with scorpions, wasps and tarantulas?! Way to go, Uncle Nook.

My biggest question is what is he drinking in that can all day? It’s supposed to be an energy drink, but those slumped eyes tell a different story. Tom Nook is a drunk. That is the only explanation as to where the money is going. I don’t trust him! That tanuki is getting tipsy on my hard earned bells!

Tom Nook

And what is he doing on this remote island anyway? Is he hiding something?

I hadn’t played Animal Crossing in a few weeks and I decided to pick it back up and Nook sassily said, “Sure has been a while.” Shut it up, you! Some of us have a real job! Don’t you question my whereabouts. I’m over here busting my hump, having to sell turnips just to make ends meet, while Nook just gets to sit on his furry butt, in his cushy Resident Service building - that I built by the way - typing nothing and drinking the day away.

To conclude, I hate you, Tomas Nookington - if that even is your real name.

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