We’re all familiar with the stereotypes. Gamers as neckbeards. Gamers as antisocial chunky-assed basement dwellers. Gamers as lonely nerdy gauchos who eat slices of white bread straight from the bag with the drapes shut. We’ve heard them all, and it’s not a flattering picture to paint.
Let’s all just pipe down with this outdated crazy talk already. In the spangly new world of 2017, gaming has hit the mainstream in a big way. You’ll see little urchins playing Barney the Dinosaur’s Cutesy Craptastic Adventure, OAPs busting out their DSes for a bit of Brain Training or Su Doku, and everything in between. Gaming really is for everyone, just as our proud forefathers with their powdered wigs and wooden teeth intended.
Even with all of that said, though, there’s still a little of that blokeish, dude-centric spirit lingering around. FPS titles ooze manly bravado from every pore, female characters’ armor is generally less protective and more who likes short shorts… it’s all too clear who some of these video games are catering for.
In a lot of ways, this sort of thing is most rife in the fighting game genre. Look at the likes of Team Ninja, and their pioneering work in the field of jug-jiggling science. Titillation with a capital T, I and T, right there. Developers can’t resist a bit of the racktastic (that’s the constant battle between creating strong female characters and creating sex symbols).
Let’s take a closer look at this phenomenon. Buckle up, friends, the 15 Most Bountiful Ladies In Gaming are coming at your eager eyeballs right now.
15 Custer’s ‘Girlfriend’ (Custer’s Revenge)
That’s right, friends. We’re kicking this shindig off the right way, with one of the most craptacular little slices of sleaze ever released for the Atari.
Custer’s Revenge arrived in 1982, bringing us the greatest platforming hero the gaming world has ever seen: a horribly pixelated naked General Custer with a huge erection. The game plays a little like the classic Game and Watch title Helmet (heh heh, helmet), only this time you’re dodging arrow attacks as you proceed across the screen. Your goal is to reach the equally naked, equally well-endowed Native American woman who is tied up at the end of the stage, and… well, yeah. Needless to say, Custer’s Revenge was horrendously controversial and just plain horrendous.
The one thing it does have going for it? The game is also known as The White Man Came, and that’s the kind of filthy Grade A pun work I can truly appreciate.
14 The Sorceress (Dragon’s Crown)
As I say, generally, 3D fighters are the home of excessive boobage. There are certain genres they’re easy to shoehorn into, and certain others that they aren’t. As a rule, you wouldn’t really come to 2D scrolling beat ‘em ups for your fix of busty ladies. Does Dragon’s Crown care about this, though? It does not.
In this VanillaWare action RPG, you play the part of an adventurer, journeying through dungeons, gathering loot, dispatching big ol’ angry dragons with a swift sword to the eye socket -- you know how this stuff goes. One of the player classes (knight, wizard, the usual fantasy tropes) is the sorceress, and, well, you can see. This gal right here is one of the most notoriously, controversially OTT-in-the-chest-region characters in recent gaming history.
13 Taki (Soul Calibur)
Soul Calibur is a little different to most fighting franchises today. The weapon-based fighter is quite a rare thing now, and this right here is probably the biggest name in the sub-genre. Even so, that doesn’t mean that it’s free of the old jug-o-rama bias. In fact, we’re reaching whole new depths of impractical knockers with Taki.
If you’re a Soul Calibur fan, you’ll know that this demon-hunting kunoichi is all about quick, relentless, close-quarters combos. That, and her ridiculous athleticism and agility. The kind of superhuman leaps and spins Taki performs would be impossible even for a woman with a sensible chest, but she’s not letting that stop her. Breasts that jiggle like two jell-o desserts on a trampoline in a hurricane aren’t holding this girl back.
12 Valentine (Skullgirls)
Skullgirls arrived in 2012, an (almost) all-female fighter in the style of Arcana Heart. It sports lush, gorgeous 2D visuals, a bevy of equally gorgeous women and, of course, cup sizes totally unsuited to the owners’ one-on-one fighting line of work.
In the game’s defense, only one of the characters shows off her cleavage overtly. Valentine is a nurse (of the slutty fancy dress costume variety) and only surviving member of the Last Hope, an organization intended to fight against the Skullgirl (a woman corrupted by the power of the Skull Heart). Valentine is now in league with the current Skullgirl, and appears as an antagonist in the story mode. She’s a super fast, combo heavy character, who fights with a dizzying array of surgical tools.
11 Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)
It was inevitable, really. How can you have a respectable countdown of some of gaming’s bustiest ladies without Lara Croft? You can’t, that’s how.
As we all know, video games’ first femme fatale was introduced in 1996, with the original Tomb Raider. She struck a blow for badass women everywhere, hitting out at the dude-dominated culture of games and their stars. Unlike Samus Aran, she didn’t have to hide her gender until that look-ma-no-clothes reveal at the end of Metroid. Lara is a legitimate action heroine, and the industry’s first real sex symbol to boot. Remember hearing those rumors of a topless shot of her being hidden in the game, back in junior high? I sure do.
I don’t care if her funbags were huge, terrifying triangular monstrosities that looked like something the T-1000 stabbed that guy with in Terminator 2, Lara was my first digital love.
10 The Sunflower (Conker’s Bad Fur Day)
Now, of all consoles, the N64 is hardly known for its adult-themed smut. Nintendo, being the family friendly funsters they are, aren’t big on that sort of thing. It’s a cutesy, innocent, primary -coloured Mario love fest around here.
Usually, anyway. Remember the time Conker’s Bad Fur Day made it past the censors? I’m not sure who let this one pass, but Rare brought some South Park-style humor, swears, alcohol references and such to the system with this one. Not to mention a boss monster that was a giant turd, and a big-boobed sunflower that gets impregnated by a bee (in a God of War 3 moans-from-off-screen sort of way).
Afterward, our little squirrel buddy is invited to bounce on her breasts, this apparently being the socially acceptable thing to do after some red hot bee-on-sunflower action.
9 Tifa Lockhart (Final Fantasy VII)
Typically, Final Fantasy hasn’t really been a series to flaunt the norks. Heroines like Terra, Aeris, Yuna, Lightning and such were hardly the "You’re not going out dressed like that, young lady, your skirt’s so short I can see what you had for breakfast type."
The most prominent Final Fantasy bra buster would be Tifa, of course. The martial arts hotty from Nibelheim struggled with an over-stuffed chest from an early age, as we see from the flashback to Cloud’s past. During this segment, you can find the item ‘orthopedic Underwear’ in Tifa’s bedroom, a subtle little joke about the back pains that can plague the bustier among us. This doesn’t seem to hold her back in the game, though, as she busts out a series of acrobatic beat ‘em up style moves in battle akin to Zell Dicht’s abilities in Final Fantasy VIII.
8 Just About Everyone, Really (Dead Or Alive)
This one was inevitable too, really. Dead or Alive is probably the most notoriously nork-y franchises in gaming history. So much so, it’s all but impossible to choose one stand-out busty lady. Whether you favour Hitomi, Tina Armstrong, Kasumi, Christie or somebody else, there’s one thing you can be sure of: there are no flat chests here.
Dead or Alive first hit arcades in 1996, and wore its jiggly sensibilities on its sleeve right from the off. Frequently criticized for its absurd breast physics, the series recently introduced a system that sees fighters’ clothes become increasingly see-through as fights go on. Do these ladies have acidic sweat which destroys their tops, a little like the acid blood of the xenomorphs from Alien? We just don’t know.
7 Jessica Nigri
That’s right, friends. Do not adjust your TheGamer[.x. Just to change things up a little, we’re taking a look at an actual real person next. Feast your ogling eyes on Jessica Nigri, 27-year-old cosplayer and model from Reno.
In 2009, Nigri’s ‘Sexy Pikachu’ cosplay costume went viral, and a career was born. Now a professional model, she won IGN’s contest to find somebody to portray Juliet Starling of Lollipop Chainsaw fame, which led to her being hired as a spokesmodel for Warner Bros Games. Among other gigs, she has also been hired by Ubisoft to portray a female Captain Kenway of Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag.
Nigri does much of the work on her costumes herself, and always manages to show off her ample assets in the process.
6 Rayne (BloodRayne)
BloodRayne, for me, is one of those franchises that you forget exists until somebody reminds you of it. There’s a certain, "ah yeah, that was a thing" expression that crosses your face in these sorts of situations, and I think you know the one I mean.
The first installment of Majesco’s BloodRayne series was released in 2002. Its protagonist, Rayne, is a Dhampir, the result of hanky-panky between a vampire and a human (you’ve drunk a little too much, Barry White’s playing, you know how it is). She was designed to be a powerful, menacing female lead with a sexy twist, and you know what that means: skimpy outfits that have no chance of containing the ladies, and provocative/disturbingly erotic killing poses for her all-dude enemies. It’s a good time all round!
5 Ashley Graham (Resident Evil 4)
Resident Evil is another series you wouldn’t typically associate with chesticles. Recurring heroines like Jill Valentine, Rebecca Chambers, and Claire Redfield are a little more demure than most (naughty hidden costumes aside); it’s not exactly cleavage city around here. Any moobs Chris might have had were lost forever during his bizarre check-my-boulder-punching-arms-out-my-neck-is-thicker-than-my-head steroid binge prior to Resident Evil 5.
As such, as far as busty ladies go, the best candidate would have to be president’s daughter and all-around screeching ass pain, Ashley Graham. She inadvertently kicks off the plot of the fourth game by getting herself kidnapped by the Los Illuminados cult, spending most of the time after her rescue howling LEEEEEEEEON! HEEEEEEELP!
She’s got some hefty knockers, too, as NPC wisecracker Luis Sera remarks. “I see that the president has equipped his daughter with ballistics too.”
4 The Great Fairies (The Legend Of Zelda)
As I say, Nintendo are the masters of censorship and innocence. These are the guys who will only allow Mortal Kombat on their consoles if the blood is a sickly green color, and won’t let Mario swear like a drunken sailor like normal plumbers do. Over in the Mushroom Kingdom, everything’s bright and happy, 24/7, and everyone’s cleavages are trussed up in corsets out of view.
Except, that is, in one case. The Great Fairies of the Legend of Zelda series seem exempt from this rule. These ladies make appearances throughout the series, hidden around the overworld and granting great boons to the adventurer who manages to find them. They can upgrade your equipment, expand your inventory, all of that sort of thing.
When you have a higher calling like that, you don’t have time to mess around with dress codes and such. Some of these gals are surprisingly sexualised (see Ocarina of Time, for instance), by Nintendo’s standards.
3 Just About Everyone… Again (Senran Kagura)
Another fresh-from-Japan leer-a-thon, Senran Kagura is another instance where everybody is just about equally busty. A fairly big name in manga and anime, too, Senran Kagura centers around the adventures of a group of ninja schoolgirls. Said adventures generally tend to involve a lot of sweaty fighting and the series’ patented Clothing Destruction system.
None of this is all that unusual, really, but you’ve got to respect Senran Kagura’s commitment to all things boob-tacular. There have been quite a few spin-off titles, and they even managed to corrupt a fairly innocent cooking game. Not an easy genre in which to dial the raunch up to 11, but where there’s a will there’s a way. I’ve never seen a cucumber washed in such a sexual way.
2 Kongiku (Muramasa: The Demon Blade)
Another VanillaWare title, another norks-a-lordy oversized chest. These guys and their liberties with the female form.
Muramasa: The Demon Blade shares a lot of similarities with Dragon’s Crown. It’s an action title with gorgeous hand-drawn 2D visuals, at first glance a sidescrolling beat ‘em up. The gameplay and mechanics have a lot more depth than that, though. In the case of Muramasa, the game is set on the Japanese island of Honshu during the Edo period. You take the role of two different characters over the course of the story, the runaway ninja Kisuke and Princess Momohime. Both of our heroes have a kitsune (a kind of guardian ‘fox’ in human form), and the princess’s guardian is Kongiku. In true VanillaWare style, she’s very well endowed.
1 Rachel (Ninja Gaiden)
I’m not sure about you, friends, but I’ve no idea how many ludicrously buxom, gravity-defying ninja ladies are too many. I’ll say when.
For our last entry, we’re venturing into Ninja Gaiden territory. Needless to say, the franchise’s best-known character is the legendary Ryu Hayabusa, who has been happily swinging, climbing and silently disemboweling since 2004. There was a certain supporting character in the original who deserves a little more attention, though, for a couple of reasons. Both of which are protruding from her chest like a couple of rusty cannons on a sunken ship.
Rachel is a human/demon hybrid, who appears throughout the game to fight alongside Ryu. Her choice of armour may be a little impractical, but with her huge Warhammer, she skews the usual guy/gal dynamic. It’s quite neat to see the female warrior being the slow, powerful one and the guy taking the opposite route.