Toys; kids love them, parents hate the loud sticky ones. There are an insane amount of toys out there for kids and adults to choose from. Slime, kinetic sand, and coloring books are entertaining adults and kids across the world. In fact, these toys can make people hundreds on YouTube these days. Producing toys is a big business and playing with toys is big business. Kids are making money reviewing toys on YouTube and earning sponsorships and big bucks as a result. That’s the dream, right, being paid to play with our favorite things. What was your favorite toy as a kid? Are you into the slime or sand trend?
We all know who Barbie is, who Winnie The Pooh is, who Ken is. But what about the toys of the past? What did our parents, grandparents, and ancestors play with? Let me tell you that some of these would, if viewed with a modern lens, seem completely messed up. From eight-legged dolls to crab women to babies with babies, it is crazy to imagine people playing with these toys. If you hate horror movies with creepy dolls and toys, then maybe don’t read any further. If you do keep reading, don’t blame me if you have nightmares. Also, certain ones could be considered problematic now so please remember the time period each toy was made in. Now, these toys would absolutely not be made now as times and standards have changed. Maybe they were loved once but not anymore.
25 Crandall’s Acrobats
Okay, so this human Voltron is super creepy. First of all, look at their faces. They are literal soulless voids ready to eat your soul. Then there’s the fact that they just make this freaking creature that is absolutely going to somersault into your room and try to end you. Look at those smiles – those aren’t the smiles of sane people who have your best interests at heart. Try not to have dreams about a multilegged humanoid crawling out from your closet.
24 Kobe Dolls
A doll made in the mid-nineteenth century, these Japanese dolls were made in the city of Kobe and caught the attention of tourists. These dolls stick their eyes and tongues out like cartoon characters but in a creepier way. The materials these dolls range from wood to ivory and, as we all know, ivory is an absolute no-no in many societies. I don’t know about you but I’d rather these were in a museum rather than in my house.
23 The Bones Family
Am I the only one who thinks of the Puppet from Five Nights At Freddy’s when I look at this? So the Bones family is supposed to be a set of dolls that you build and then clothe on your own but they scare me. Imagine this crawling towards you in the night. The eyes have a burning hatred behind that plastic smile that needs to get out of my life. Why would you buy this for your kid? Why are there multiple? Was it successful? I don’t wanna know.
22 The Snowman Eater
This literally looks like a nightmare. Why are his teeth on the side of his mouth? Why does that look like a toilet? Is he eating himself? Are they sacrifices? I have so many questions. His black eyes are creepy beady vortexes of demise and destruction. He has been called the destroyer of worlds and I can believe it. This Christmas themed monstrosity must be destroyed and removed from my life right this very second. Maybe take him to a second-hand store if you have one.
21 Jack In The Box
Okay, so I think that the only reason that these are still sold is because of horror movies and parents who want to prank their child. This toy has been teaching kids about the power of suspense and opening Pandora’s box for decades. Jack In The Box is an actual heart attack in a box and I cannot imagine them being in modern households with children. Like, college kids wanting to prank their sleeping roommates is the only way this works.
20 Ondine Swimming Doll
No human body moves like this. The creator of this doll was so terrified of water and drowning that he made these creepy dolls. They are supposed to teach kids the breaststroke but are more likely to induce fear and confusion. They look like actual crab women. I mean, my star sign is cancer the crab but I know that human anatomy does not function like this. Does this even float or swim in water? Did this help the creator with his fear?
19 Little Miss No Name
Nope, nope, nope. Googling the name and seeing many pictures of this doll is horrifying. Huge blood red eyes are so unnecessary. Like, big red eyes are always associated with monsters and things that go bump in the night. Big red eyes mean evil, people. Why is it sad? I think they didn’t give it a name so they could contain the demonic energy. These remind me of the black eyed children and will never go near one ever in my life. No amount of money will make me see one in real life.
18 The Swing Wing
Onto something that’s more silly than scary, health and safety departments would have a freaking field day with this one. So did you ever look at a hula hoop and think ‘man, imagine if I could use a hula hoop on my head.’ Someone made that happen. You literally put a stick hat on your head and swing hoops on it. I wonder how many people got a hula hoop to the face when their kids were using these things.
17 Earthquake Tower
I’m sure you can think of why this would not get made today. To explain, this is a game where you get various rescue service vehicles, cars, firemen, policemen, service workers, and regular folks. You popped the civilians on either side of the tower and cause a mini earthquake. If you’re feeling benevolent, you can use the moving elevator to save some folks, but most will be flung to their doom. Talk about encouraging a God complex.
16 Nuclear Toys
The Nuclear age brought a lot of buzz regarding nuclear power. You could get model nuclear power plants or nuclear power cars for those kids who really lacked imagination. They look boring and people have mixed reactions to nuclear power these days. These toys are so lame I am actually having trouble deciding what I want to say about them. If you were a realist kid who wanted to follow in daddy’s footsteps you probably had this.
15 The Pet Rock
Yeah, that’s right. A capitalist version of pet rock made millions despite the fact that you can literally pick up any rock in the world and call it your pet. The smooth rock came in a perforated box and had straw as if the rock needed a comfortable environment. The crazy thing was, this was super popular. I was one of those weird kids that collected rocks and crystals and I never bought mine. Part of the fun of a pet rock was finding a cool rock while out and about, not in the department store.
14 Krimson Terror
This toy company thought that it was not enough for parents to buy their kids actual nightmare fuel; they wanted the kids to build their own nightmare fuel as well. They knew it was a potentially scary toy since the word ‘terror’ is in its name. This seems more like a Halloween decoration rather than a toy you just pick up and play. Good luck sleeping with this in your room. Let us know if you manage to survive the night.
13 Old Witch Sparkler
Sparklers, spooky witch toys, and children; another health and safety nightmare. How would playing with these not burn a house down? Who would trust children with a toy like this? If you bought this back then you might as well have said ‘I want to claim money from the insurance company’. For real, I hope to all that kids were supervised when using this and that property was not damaged though people using this so-called toy.
12 Meat Market
What kid doesn’t want to play with raw meat? Considering society’s attitudes towards germs and bacteria, there is no way that someone would make this now. Especially considering that veganism is becoming more and more popular. Also, being a butcher can be cool but this just seems like a simple wooden toy set rather than a detailed scenario-maker. If a kid really wanted to be a butcher when they grew up, I bet they were stoked about this.
11 Crawling Clown
Ah, yet another toy straight from the horror genre. In a similar vein to the Ondine Swimming Dolls, this guy literally just crawls towards you. I was going to say that it had better not be fast, but I think it’s equally unsettling at any speed. Coulrophobia, or a fear of clowns, is one of the biggest and most common fears around and there is no doubt that this toy would exacerbate that fear. This one totally would come out from under the bed and attack you in your sleep.
10 Halloween Squeaker
Okay, this actually looks like a ghoul or demon. The blood red crazy eyes and the way they just stare at you is so unsettling. Then there’s the monobrow and honestly, you tried to style it but it does not help your overall aesthetic. The fact that you can see the dirt and age on it makes me immediately think of a poltergeist squeezing this in dark corner and letting it roll towards the camera. Honestly just give this to your dog so he can tear it apart. Maybe make him drink holy water first.
9 Eight Legged Doll
So part of me thinks this doll is incredibly creepy because of the face and the many legs. I absolutely would not want to meet this doll in real life and do not even want to know how much it is worth. However, that all being said, part of me cannot stop wondering why a Sonic meme about this doll has not been made yet. It’s perfect for photoshopping text or movement onto it and making it run to the Sonic theme tune.
8 Schoenhut Rolly Dollys
Another creepy German doll that needs to roll right out of my life, the Schoenhut Rolly Dollys are another clown-themed toy that tried to be whimsical but came out unsettling. These bad boys will actually roll back and forth in an empty room at night which is why you should not own one. Just do yourself a favor and just not come into contact with these. Just don’t be that person in the horror movie that does the dumb thing.
7 The Avenging Narwhal
First of all, Narwhals are majestic creatures of the deep. Second, who hurt this Narwhal? Why does it need to paint the ice red with the blood of its enemies? Thirdly, why is there koala there? How did it get out of Australia? What is this Narwhal’s damage? This toy is pretty violent and, while I like the fact that you can change out its horn for different horns, it seems weird to have your child play out this oddly specific scenario.
6 The Jolly Chimp
You all know what this is. A true staple of the horror genre, this grotesque and ugly toy is another toy on this list that needs to get away from me. The clanging cymbals are annoying as heck and the monkey’s face just makes me uncomfortable. Why would a parent buy this for their child, even back then? What purpose does it serve besides to make a racket? Also, the whole making the monkey playing the cymbals is a toy concept that would totally be scrapped these days.