I have been incredibly inspired by the "make yourself the best you can be" attitude of recent TV. And, because I'm a non-stop working-machine, I've been looking for a way to mash this new appreciation into something I already know a ton about. Home decorating for Imperial bases like the Death Star? Grooming tips for Dark Souls monsters? Teaching the stars of Buffy how to relate to their fellow 90s high school peers? Look for all of these in the coming weeks! Maybe!
That being said, a lot of kids' villains haven't put much time into their attire, and definitely, need to some advice on how to fix their whole aesthetic. So here we'll be looking at characters from cartoons to live action movies. There's a lot of room for these vintage foes to fix their whole look and try something new — it would certainly improve how the heroes of the respective movies and shows would see them.
I'm starting off strong, though. So, readers of The Ganer, I give you: Fashion Critiques of Classic Kids' Character Villains — because even bad guys should look their best while doing their worst.
I am aware that you are three, Angelica, and that you probably don't dress yourself. So my question to your parents is: why don't you let her dress herself? She couldn't do much worse than this — what are we even looking at here? Flared shirt cuffs? Blue and green polka dot tights? Socks that match her shirt and bows that match her dress?
Simplify, baby. (You are a literal baby).
Let's pick a colour and run with it. We've already got purple so let's stick with purple. Maybe get a pattern off those tights and on that dress.
Now, Edward, I want to start by saying that it takes a lot of confidence to wear a unitard and I applaud you for making this choice. However, I think we can add a few small touches to this look to really make it a winner. I would decrease the number of question marks on your outfit by, conservatively, 95%. I wonder if a smaller accessory would benefit you as well: more of a "cane" and less of a "staff." I love your natural red hair and I think it looks really smart under that bowler hat, but again I think the massive question mark is a little on the nose.
I don't mean to be insensitive but is that your skin? If you are having to deal with a teal complexion than I absolutely congratulate you for wearing something that is so revealing. It's very inspiring. However, considering how little you're actually wearing, Skeltor. There is a lot going on in the rest of your outfit. You've got bones, a hood, shoulder tassels, briefs, a loincloth, and some very dynamic boots. I'd say pick one and go for it. Sometimes, thinking deeper is better than thinking wider.
So we're 100% clear, I'm specifically coming after your baby blue and white silk wedding outfit, though any of the atrocities you carry on your back would be fair game, Prince… Humperdink?
Oh dear, I am sorry about your name.
I know you're evil so, did you blind your tailor and then thought: "Oh shoot I forgot, I need a wedding outfit?" You look like all the worst parts of a baby bird. I had Froot Loops for breakfast and this is exactly what the milk in my bowl looked like. You're getting married, Dinck: rent a tux!
First off, bravo for embracing your unibrow. It's very hip, very now, to love yourself and everyone loves Frida Kahlo. Your plain white tee under the pink dress, with the layered hem, is also very classic and nice, and you've paired it well with those red kicks.
Now let's talk about that bow. Helga, I know you're in a transition period and it's hard, but if you're gonna let go of your younger self, then let it go, girl. Lose the bow and pigtails and really embrace the smart, streetwise teen you really are.
Lord Farquaad, you've already got an uphill battle ahead of you: the first thing we see you do is attack The Gingerbread Man, a (literally) sweet lil dude. Here's a tip: when your head is bigger than your legs, don't draw attention to it by wearing a hat, especially one that is less a hat and more a giant takeout container. We're gonna see a lot of guys on this list with puffy sleeves, but they usually have the decency to pair them with a heeled boot. When you're three feet tall, you don't wear a flat-soled shoe, man!
I want to congratulate you, Krang, on overcoming your limitations. You are literally just a brain with two arm tentacles and you've accomplished so much. Not many people can say they've built a Technodrome.
I think maybe no one can, actually.
So with all your power and resources, why did you make yourself a giant robot body that looks like old Hogan had a baby with Moose from Archie? Toss a coat on that thing, a shirt, anything. There's no excuse for this when you spend so much time with NYC Style Icons Bebop and Rocksteady.
I'll allow you this, Sid, you certainly are not leaving much to the imagination about what you're into. The skull t-shirt, the acid-washed jeans, the buzzcut, the braces: you sure do look like every jerk kid I knew when I was your age.
Get out of my life, Ted!
If you're set on the punk rock look, why not go even further? Grow that hair into a mohawk, get some spikes on those wrists, put a chain around your neck and around your wallet.
Denim on denim is a tough look to pull off and I think that losing the sleeves on your top was a good call. I really like the fringe on the bottom of the vest, it's very punk but not too loud about it.
Now let's talk about what's going on with your feet.
You've selected a very strong shoe statement, with what seems to be a mid-century children's buckle shoe, and you've paired it with a salmon sock that matches your top. Nelson, never match your socks to your top. It's like a peanut butter and peanut butter sandwich.
I 100% understand that you are a monkey and are perhaps not tuned into the modern fashion scene. A cape is always a gamble and while I would usually caution against an overlong option for someone of your stature, I think the pooling hem really works for you. Now, I don't know if the purple-accented diaper crown on your head is really a benefit but I appreciate that you're trying to accentuate your giant brain. One last thing: if you change everything about your look, don't ever lose those white heeled boots.
Let's acknowledge the elephant in the room: you have a metal head. Pairing that extreme physical feature with anything at all is going to be a challenge but I actually think you've done quite a good job. While I would usually choose a jacket that de-emphasizes the metallic quality of your face, I think the extreme crimson collar frames your terrifying mask quite nicely. For all the work your torso is doing in the intimidation factor, I don't know if the metal hands and red gun holster are really necessary. People are going to be looking at that alloy mug, we don't need them focused on anything else.
Forgive me for saying this, Hades, as I am not as plugged into the Greek scene as I should be: but is your toga "real?" I'm only asking because up top we have a very classic embroidered patterned tunic and your toga is clasped with a smart skull pin which is very "God of the Underworld."
Also very Brooklyn.
Now, your toga starts strong up top, it sits on you very nicely, but then it all falls apart at the bottom. I mean that literally: your toga turns into smoke tentacles at the bottom. I just want to be 100% sure what I'm looking at here.
So… you have a snakeface and that's fine. We can't choose our nose or, in your case, our not-having-one. What we can choose is how we frame that nose and I think adding a little colour to your skin will do a lot to soften things. I assume you're not big on tanning, but there are some affordable products that will add some much-needed toasting to your complexion. While you're at the mall, get yourself some skinny jeans and stop hiding your body inside that garbage bag you call a cloak. Be proud of your power, Voldemort!
While I don't agree with your militant coat choice, I understand you're going for an ultimate power vibe here. Again, I don't support it, but I'm here to support you.
Now, and I say this with the utmost respect, skincare is self-care, and self-care is the most important meal of the day. I have four words for you: ex fo li ate. Really bring out that natural glow by applying some egg whites to your skin daily. I know it sounds crazy, but the kids will really respect you if you first respect yourself.
Now I appreciate that you're putting more focus on function over form. I would probably do the same if my body was made of bugs. But sometimes a burlap sack is just a burlap sack, and sometimes it's a canvas for an exciting expression.
I think a belt would go a long way to make this look more coherent. Pairing a darker coloured sack on the bottom with the puce you've already found on top would really help to break up the uniformity of this statement. I would also suggest a french tuck for the top sack to slim you down just a little bit, which I think would really help your confidence.
Rasputin, fashion isn't just in the clothes you wear but also the body you put those clothes on to. Cut your nails. I'm not saying get a full-on manicure but you need to trim those raptor claws before you hurt someone.
Your skin has a look that I would classify as "wet oatmeal." There are some really great products to clear up your complexion that you can get on a budget. I like to rub a little agave honey into my skin first thing in the morning. I know it's supposed to be 1912, but you're a member of the aristocracy, I'm sure you can get some shipped in for you.
Governor Ratcliffe, I have never seen your movie, but based on your outfit alone I would assume it's about one man's struggle to find a colour he likes that isn't a shade of pink. I'll give you this: you are really making those heels work for you. Your legs look amazing.
Up top, you look like a gif of a cherry blaster exploding. What is this medal you're wearing? "Special Achievement in Hair Bows?"
Unlike a lot of people, I really dig your stripped-down look in Infinity War. The tactical vest lets people know you mean business while also showing off your arms. It's hard to pull off cargo pants in 2018, but they lend a military-chic that works for you.
Now, about the Gauntlet. You've got a giant golden hand and the rest of your outfit doesn't really honor it the way I want it to. I'm not saying go back to your gold-armor-over-blue-silk look, but take advantage of that shiny jewel-encrusted handpiece.
Sometimes men get locked into a look at an early age and never move on from it. They don't understand there are more options available to them than just the same old things they've been tossing on for years. Harry and Marv, I suspect this is part of your issue. I realize that there is an element of functionality here: you need a big coat to hold all the loot. I get it. But you're casing some very rich neighbourhoods. Not only must they have nicer clothes to pinch, but you'll stick out a lot less if you don't both look like a brush someone uses to clean their shoes.
I am not, as they say, "from the future." Clearly, based on the other outfits we're subjected to in the "future" 2015 of Back to the Future Part 2, fashion has progressed in an awful direction. I can only critique this lewk based on my current, 2018 sensibilities, so here I go:
It's perfect. The bumpy metal headpiece, the gold velvet jacket, the Klingon boots, the nuclear symbol belt buckle, that one knee pad? Everything about screams cyberpunk-punk and I am here for it.
Is a shiny metal full-body harness really an outfit? You're certainly making a statement here Zedd- sorry, Lord Zedd, and I'll give you points for a going all-in on this titanium casing moment. I think we can lose the 'Z' attached to the headband, especially since you also have a man-sized sceptre with the exact same topper. I appreciate the synergy, but real Lords don't need to advertise. Also, you should really consider covering your brain with something. I'm not saying you need a skull, but it's very in right now.
I'll be blunt: Beastly, a scarf and a pointy hat is not an outfit. Put on some pants and go to the dentist. It's 2018, there's no excuse, Beastly. Now, Shrieks, I appreciate that you're trying to match No Heart, with your red base and mauve accents, but I really think the bossman has it right by reversing those colours. Mauve just doesn't stand out against the red enough. On the other hand, that leg warmer and crewneck sweater dress combo is very 80s and is really working for you.
There is a question every man needs to ask himself at some point: is my crown too big for my head? A lot of us are walking around with clothes that are simply too big for us and it can be embarrassing to admit, but you'll feel a lot better once you finally put on a rouge velvet and seal-skin cloak that is truly made for you. There is certainly a regality to wearing big clothes and big jewels, but those looks rarely translate beyond a music video. Put on something slimmer and act like a King, people will respond to you better for it.
I'll give you one thing: nothing says 'mysterious' like an opaque silver bowl over your head. You've chosen some very strong colours for your one-piece, especially considering how often you appear wreathed in mist.
Seriously, try to find a picture of Mysterio without any mist.
I think a belt would really help here, since your cash-green bodysuit is so tight-fitting that you appear to be nude in a lot of these pictures, and nothing is less mysterious than a man in a purple cape.
Forgive me for maybe not fully appreciating the cultural implications of this lewk, I understand that these may be military uniforms of some kind. However, from a purely human aesthetic, I would never pair a shale suit with an emerald fish-skin pattern shirt, though the matching patterned accents on the jacket do tie the ensemble together nicely.
While the oversized golden ring pendant does distract the eye from your… unique facial structure, I think it's a bit "I love goooold." Maybe a leather knot would be more appropriate.