Who says that the musty, irradiated bowels of Fallout’s post-apocalyptic wastelands have to be filled with distasteful, rotting food? This is more than just the simple, yawn-worthy discussion of restoring hit points or receiving boosts to your stats; I’m talking about more gourmet matters, like taste, mouthfeel, presentation and the potential to delight all your five bodily senses. There’s plenty of delicious grubb to be found in the decades taking place after the Great Nuclear War of Fallout—some of which appears utterly delectable even by today’s standards. Then there are select cuisines that are more of a curio than an actual instance of gastronomical delight; I would, for instance, love to gobble a piece of pre-war pie that has somehow resisted the ravages of time to remain brazenly edible.
What are some foods that any self-respecting gourmand from Fallout should try, in spite of the thick layer of post-apocalyptic dust slathered upon them? Here are some dishes you can find from all corners of the wastelands.
Sugar Bombs
Just the name of this pre-war breakfast cereal itself is mind-blowing: the idea that every mouthful of this glob is so perfectly explosive that it’ll set off bombs of sugary goodness in your mouth. So potent is this sugar-coated confectionery, is that this one of the few food items in Fallout New Vegas—those that need not be cooked or turned into a meal—that it can give you a boost to your Action Points temporarily, giving you the additional spurt of energy you need to take down your enemies.
Perfectly preserved pie
What it says on the label. Perfectly preserved pie is a pie that has been stuffed with so many preservatives that it continues to stay edible even after 200 years, untouched by the nauseous fumes of radiation. Plus, it still looks every bit as mouth-watering as ever, much like a raspberry cheesecake topped with a dollop of cream. This pie can be obtained in Fallout 4 from a Port-a-Diner, if you’re extremely lucky.
Happy Pie
If you’re feeling blue, why not cheer yourself up with a Happy Pie? It’s a beautiful slice of goodness emblazoned with a lovely image of a yellow, smiling emoji, settling among an illustration of a bright blue sky. Happy pies are said to drive addiction in people who eat too many of them, so there’s a small chance that some drugs have been injected into the pie itself. Happy Pies can be found in Brahmin Wood from Fallout Tactics, and is a dish enjoyed by members of the Brotherhood of Steel.
Nuka-blast burger
Unfortunately, Nuka-blast burgers are one of the best things we can’t try in Fallout, as they’re an exceedingly popular pre-war burger and part of the menu in Cappy’s Cafe, a family diner in Fallout 4’s Nuka World. In fact, it’s supposedly so spicy that it’s nicknamed ‘the A-bomb on a bun’.
Ruby’s casserole
Ruby’s casserole is made by a kindly old lady named Ruby Nash in Fallout: New Vegas, who would gladly make you some of her famous casserole in exchange for radscorpion poison glands, a crucial but difficult-to-obtain ingredient for her signature dish. According to cut content, this is probably made out of flour, jalapeno peppers, mole rat meat and, of course, radscorpion poison glands.
Mississippi Quantum pie
Avid Nuka Cola superfan, Sierra Petrovita, from Fallout 3—and subsequently in Fallout 4—is also known for her Mississippi Quantum Pie: a dish that you’ll need to exchange flour, Nuka Cola Quantum and vodka if you wish for Sierra to cook it up. Not sure what goes into the filing of this particular pie, but Sierra herself has said that it’s really delicious, and I’ll eat anything that is infused with the fizzy, saccharine-sweet flavour of Nuka Cola Quantum.
Anything to do with mirelurks
Mirelurks are essentially delicious crab cakes tucked away in layers of nearly impenetrable armour—or, to put it in less tasteful terms, mutated shellfish like crabs and lobsters. In the post-apocalyptic universe of Fallout, they’re essentially humanoid-sized crabs with pincers so lethal they can probably slice off a typical wastelander’s head with several well-placed cuts. But imagine the spoils of your hard-won battle: you’ll be rewarded with a hefty amount of mirelurk meat, which you can use to whip up incredible dishes like roasted mirelurk meat, mirelurk steak, smoked mirelurk fillet, mirelurk softshell cake, and even mirelurk cake with bloodleaf aioli—a gourmet dish that’s peppered mirelurk patty, served with some herbs. Their eggs, too, can also be made into a delicious omelette.
If regular mirelurks aren’t enough, there’s also the nukalurk, a variant of the mirelurk tinged with the extra-caffeinated and sugary taste of Nuka Cola Quantum. Probably.
Deathclaw omelette
With their massive claws and towering height, deathclaws are some of the deadliest creatures you can encounter in Fallout. But this shouldn’t deter true gourmet hunters, who should venture deep into their nest, where caches of deathclaw eggs can be found; watch your back for deathclaws mothers and the deathclaw alpha male, however! With deathclaw eggs—which are about the size of your torso, and weigh a staggering seven pounds—you can whip up several mouthwatering omelette dishes, from the humble wasteland omelette to the incredibly tasty deathclaw omelette, which can be crafted from a pristine deathclaw egg. Of course, like the mirelurk, you can also harvest deathclaw meat to make deathclaw steak, which is said to be quite delicious too.
Brahmin wellington
Brahmin is Fallout’s version of cattle, except with two heads and giant udders as a result of mutation that permeates the Fallout universe. Thus it stands to reason that brahmin wellington, a dish that can be found in Fallout New Vegas, would probably be just as delicious as its real-world counterpart: the beef wellington. Cooked by the head chef at the Gourmand, the high-class restaurant of the Ultra-Luxe casino, brahmin wellington is essentially brahmin steak wrapped in puffy ant egg pastry, and cooked with ingredients from a pre-war product of mac and cheese.
Another delicious brahmin dish is the brahmin pot pie in Fallout 2, which is made of stewed brahmin meat, and served in a flaky, buttery pastry, probably with some vegetables and savoury gravy.
Yao guai roast
Yao guai is descended from the American black bear, and it goes to reason that they probably taste a lot like bear meat: a type of red meat that’s known to be exceptionally gamey with a strong flavour, and is said to be a difficult ingredient to use in a dish. Yao guai roast, which can be found in Fallout 4, is probably not going to sit well with most people for its flavour, but strong flavours may very much be a rarity in Fallout’s post-apocalyptic world, anyway. Savour these while you can.
Imitation strange meat pie
Strange meat is, for the uninitiated, human flesh. Imitation strange meat, on the other hand, is a dish that’s whipped up by the head chef of The Gourmand, Phillppe, so that the members of the ultra exclusive club, White Glove Society, wouldn’t become accidental cannibals, which appears to be made out of veal. This one is definitely going to be an acquired—and very controversial—taste, as Philippe has handcrafted this recipe such that it will taste as close to human flesh as possible.