Since the franchise first began way back in the mid-nineties, Pokémon has relied on a certain tried-and-true formula. Long-time fans will know exactly what I’m talking about. The Fire/Water/Grass starter choice, the gym challenge, the good ol’ fashioned town map and running shoes, the hackneyed plot involving your foiling an evil team singlehandedly… This is Pokémon.

Granted, generation seven shook up a lot of these conventions, with Sun and Moon doing away with HMs, gym battles, and suchlike. For some, this wasn’t much of a big deal, while for others, it’s a paradigm shift that could only be rivaled by McDonald’s getting off their cans and delivering at last.

Ultimately, though, none of that really matters too much. I can dig a little change here and there, particularly in a franchise so often bashed for resting on its laurels. At the same time, though, you’ve got to take care not to tamper with the essentials of the series. Our beloved Pokédex, for instance.

For me, this thing’s always been the crux of the experience. You’ve gotta freaking catch ‘em all, remember? Better bust out your Pokédex then. One of my favorite aspects of the original crusty Red and Blue titles was reading the ridiculous entries associated with each Pokémon. How can a muscular humanoid creature shorter than the average man punch a train carriage over the horizon? How is a squishy little flaming snail thing hotter than the surface of the Sun? It’s sweet, beautiful nonsense, and we love it.

25 Magcargo: It’s Gettin’ Magma In Here, So Take Off All Your Shells

1- Magcargo
Via: Pokémon Wikia

In hindsight, I may have been trying a little too hard with that blurb. There’s a time and a place for snarky Nelly lyric parodies, and I’m not sure this was it. Still, I’m committed now, so I’ve just got to make the best of it.

There’s an often-cited idea that earlier Pokédex entries are not to be taken literally. They’re written by the protagonist, a child, and so are fuelled by a child’s tendency to exaggerate.

This is no super canon fact, you understand, but it certainly seems legit. Just look at Magcargo’s dex entry from Pokémon Sapphire, which reports that,

 "Magcargo's body temperature is approximately 18,000 degrees F."

And trainers just battle with this furious, fiery sun snail on a daily basis, do they? That’s going to take more than freaking oven mitts, friend. By comparison, the surface of the Sun reaches a mere 10,000 or so.

24 Larvitar: The Horrifying Two-Foot-Tall EATER OF WORLDS

2- Larvitar
Via: heavy.com

The Pokémon world, as fans know all too well, is replete with creatures that you just don’t want to mess with. There’s Gyarados, for instance, a gigantic sea monster that effortlessly razes entire towns when it gets a little emotional. That time the cruel trickster Gengar told it that it had gained a little weight this holiday season? That was unimaginable.

By contrast, there are Pokémon that are just hilariously pathetic-looking. A Caterpie, say, with need the mother of all elements of surprise on its side to take out anything bigger than a kitten.

While Tyranitar is certainly a beast, its baby form, Larvitar, doesn’t look like anything you couldn’t easily defeat with a swift kick. According to Pokémon Gold, though, "It feeds on soil. After it has eaten a large mountain, it will fall asleep so it can grow."

An entire MOUNTAIN.

23 T: Central Heating, And Oopies

3- Darumaka
Via: YouTube (Tany Vega)

I always feel for the poor souls in parades and theme parks who have to wear the costumes. You know, the big ridiculous ones that are impossible to see out of. You’re trying to desperately to keep your balance as you walk, while peering through the teeny eye holes cut in Mickey Mouse’s navel. You can see slim to bupkus, and there’s going to be all kinds of paperwork to fill out if you trample someone’s child with your huge ridiculous clown shoes.

“Darumaka’s droppings are hot, so people used to put them in their clothes to keep themselves warm.”

Most importantly, it’s darn hot in there. In the movies, actors in such costumes often have a system of pipes running cool water around their bodies. Being too cold, on the other hand, is rarely an issue, but should it come up, Pokémon White’s dex has the solution:

22 Kadabra: When You Wake Up In The Morning And You’re Suddenly A Kadabra

4- Kadabra
Via: Pokémon Wikia

So, yep, this is a thing. I guess, depending on how you look at it, this entry is either hilarious nonsense or just plain bone-chilling. As a positive kind of guy, I’m going with that first option.

“It happened one morning – A boy with extrasensory powers awoke in bed transformed into Kadabra” (Pokémon FireRed).

It happened, did it? Did it really? This sounds like one of those stories that your buddy Paul told you in third grade, because he had a terrible bowl cut but still wanted to run with the cool kids. Now, sure, the Pokémon world is not our own, and isn’t bound by the same sort of logic, but still. How in heckola?

The Pokédex has always been known for getting pretty darn dark on the down low, but this? This is just going too far. Just imagine mom, bringing this kid’s breakfast in that morning.

21 Lampent: When You Take Black Comedy To A Whole New Level

5- Lampent
Via: Pokémon Wikia

When it comes to super questionable Pokédex entries, it’s usually the Ghost-types that get the worst of it. They tend to be typecast as devious, evil beings from the depths of Beelzebub’s underpants hamper, all possession and child-snatching and soul stealing. It comes with the territory, I guess.

Great material for laughs, this isn’t, but there’s just something about Lampent’s entry from Omega Ruby:

“The spirits it absorbs fuel its baleful fire. It hangs around hospitals waiting for people to pass on.”

In a sense, it’s completely awful, but all I can see here is a band of impatient Lampent sitting together in a hospital basement. “Come on, guys, time’s time. I’ve been here for four hours, the kids’ll be wondering where their dinner is. Tonight’s soul night, their favourite. We don’t have takeout much.”

20 Bewear: Your Spine Can’t Bear The Bear’s Bear Hug

6- Bewear
Via: Amino Apps

As you’ve surely noticed, a lot of cantankerous fans take issue with Game Freak’s Pokémon designs these days. They look at the ice cream, the trash bag and such, and they mock. They mock like the mocking mocksters of mock that they are.

Sometimes, though, a design comes along that totally redeems the missteps. Stufful and Bewear for instance, the adorable stuffed teddy Pokémon.

Being a big old angry bear, though, you’d think that Bewear would still be a fearsome kind of dude, though, and you’d be right. As Pokémon Moon tells us, “This Pokémon has the habit of hugging its companions. Many Trainers have left this world after their spines were squashed by its hug.”

Again, this is totally morbid on one level, but the way it’s worded is just pure gold. It sounds like Mortal Kombat, only still totally adorable somehow.

19 Rhyhorn: Being Incredibly Powerful And Incredibly Careless Is Always A Great Combination

7- Rhyhorn
Via: fdzeta.com

Come on now, people. It’s 2018, for goodness sake. We should really be way above this cheap Rhyhorn shaming.

Now, I’m not quite sure what Game Freak have against the Spikes Pokémon, but they sure do run the poor thing all the way down in its dex entries. As Pokémon Sapphire reports,

“Rhyhorn's brain is very small. It is so dense, while on a run it forgets why it started running in the first place. It apparently remembers sometimes if it demolishes something.”

Now, being super dense is one thing, but elsewhere in the Pokédex, we learn that it can “shatter even a skyscraper with its charging tackles” (Pokémon FireRed). Thirdly, it’s super aggressive, and gives zero cares what it flattens as it stampedes from place to place. As catastrophic as this combination of traits is, it’s just such hilarious hyperbole.

18 Magikarp: Officially The Biggest Slice Of Pokémon Nonsense Ever

8- Magikarp
Via: Kotaku.com

Throughout the history series’ history, there have been overpowered Pokémon and terrible Pokémon. Once you start approaching the thousand-different-‘mon mark, any concept of balance has utterly gone out the window. Nor was balancing ever really the intention to begin with, though.

Some ‘mon have always been considered the very bottom-scrapings of the Poké-barrel.

We’ve scraped straight though the bottom of the barrel into the muddy, muddy ground, really.You know the sort of thing: Farfetch’d, Ratatta and, of course, Magikarp.

We know what Magikarp is supposed to represent. We know that you’re supposed to ‘earn’ your Gyarados. Even so, though, do you have to beat the poor guy’s worthlessness into our skulls quite so ruthlessly? This “pathetic excuse for a Pokémon” (Pokémon Ruby) is said to be “virtually worthless in terms of both power and speed. It is the most weak and pathetic Pokémon in the world.” (Pokémon FireRed).

17 Drampa: The Wise, Lovable Grandpa Who Will Burn Down Everything (Apparently)

9- Drampa
Via: YouTube (shofu)

Now, I’ll admit, Drampa is one of those Pokémon that I just can’t quite get on board with. When I first saw its design, I half-thought it was a joke by a snarky fan. A Grandpa/ma Dragon, that looks like some bizarre evolution of Dunsparce? Sure, that’s a real thing.

The joke was on me, though. When they said they were bringing us a Grandpa Dragon, that was exactly what they were doing. Even its dex entries allude to its grandparent-ish ways, claiming that it will “protect kids when they're in danger, so their moms don't have to worry” (Pokémon Ultra Moon). Hilariously, terrifyingly and ridiculously, though, Ultra Sun tells us that “If a child it has made friends with is bullied, Drampa will find the bully's house and burn it to the ground.”

Darn it, grandpa. Chill a little, okay?

16 Metang: Not Even Four Feet Tall, But Can Take A Direct Hit From A Jet Unharmed

10- Metang
Via: Pokémon Wikia

Now, see, this is the sort of thing that raises eyebrows. I totally get the whole concept of suspension of disbelief, don’t get me wrong, but still. There’s something about Metang that does quite add up.

Now, me, for instance, I’m right slap bang in the middle of average-height-for-a-man territory. Around about six feet. Personally, I’ve never had a jet plane crash right my actual face, but I’d assume that’s going to smart a little. Just a hunch.

Meanwhile, the 3’11’’ metallic ‘mon Metang, according to Pokemon X, is:

“...formed by two Beldum joining together. Its steel body won't be scratched if it collides with a jet.”

Won’t be horrifically obliterated into specks of utterly destroyed failure would be absurd enough, but not even slightly scratched? What are you trying to pull here, Game Freak?

15 Komala: I’ve Fallen (Asleep), And I Can’t Get Up!

11- Komala
Via: Polygon

Competitive-wise, Komala is a super interesting new Sun and Moon Pokémon. Its exclusive ability, Comatose, means that it is always considered ‘asleep,’ and so can’t be hit by any other status (excluding volatile stuff like Confusion). This little koala hardly set the competitive world alight, but it’s an interesting one to play around with and has a neat little niche.

When it came to Komala’s lore, though, something was, again, a little off here. As Pokémon Sun reports, “It is born asleep, and it dies asleep. All its movements are apparently no more than the results of it tossing and turning in its dreams.”

Oh yes, friends, this is a real thing. If you’ve ever been the victim of a Komala rampage (we’ve all been there), you’ll understand why imagining it sleep-sweeping is just far too much for me to handle.

14 Bagon: The Ill-Advised Diving Champ

12- Bagon
Via: DeviantArt (ShawnnL)

Now, see, the Pokémon franchise may be a little out there, but every once in a while, we can learn valuable life lessons from it. You know, be kind to our fellow creatures, share, co-operate, all those sorts of things. It’s like a freaking after school special around here.

Individual Pokémon, too, can pass on this sort of wisdom. If there’s ever been a ‘mon that exhorts the virtues of sticking at it, never giving up, it’s Bagon.

“Bagon has a dream of one day soaring in the sky. In doomed efforts to fly, this Pokémon hurls itself off cliffs. As a result of its dives, its head has grown tough and as hard as tempered steel,” reports Pokémon Omega Ruby. From this, we can surmise that Bagon is either incredibly determined or super dense. The first option is much more inspiring, so let’s go with that.

13 Seaking: The One With The Crazy Fandom

13- Seaking
Via: Pokémon And Digimon Wiki

Here’s an interesting question: when does a fan become a fangirl/fanboy? At face value, they may look like the very same thing, but it’s not as simple as that. If you merely support someone’s work, buying their books, movies or whatever, that’s totally fine. When you start viciously landing on those who badmouth them, like a sumo wrestler jumping from a fifth story window onto a grape, you’ve become a dreaded fangirl/fanboy.

Apparently, Seaking (of all darn Pokémon) has those. According to Pokémon Moon,

“Trainers who are crazy for Seaking are divided into horn enthusiasts and fin enthusiasts. The two groups do not get along well.”

You can just imagine the pitched battles on internet forums. As for me, I think this is the most unbelievable entry of all. I can’t imagine there being a single trainer ‘crazy about Seaking’ in the first place.

12 Ariados: Much Less Than Just A Pretty Face

14- Ariados
Via: Pokémon Fanon Wiki

Now, I can totally empathize with people’s arachnophobia. I try to, at any rate. While I’m not particularly bothered by the critters myself, I grew up with a sister who was completely terrified of them. You learn a thing or two about crippling fear of spiders in that sort of environment, friends.

Besides, I have to concede that they aren’t the most attractive of creatures. Those are more legs and eyes than anybody needs, let’s face it. Ariados, however, took the ugly ball and ran it right to the ugly end zone. As Pokémon Gold tells us, “It spins string not only from its rear but also from its mouth. It is hard to tell which end is which.”

Come on, now. Look at the thing. Is it really hard to tell? Does it have a horn, two big purple eyes and a couple of angry mandibles on its butt?

11 Klefki: The Terrifying Key-Jingler

15- Klefki
Via: DeviantArt (Tobi-of-the-Akatsuki)

I know we’ve touched on this before, but all Pokémon most definitely aren’t created equal. We’re running the gamut from Arceus, almighty creator and Poké-god, to Magikarp, that pathetic waste of a tiny amount of ocean space.

Legendary Pokémon, in particular, are (usually) designed to be physically imposing and intimidating. Dragons, often. If I saw one of those guys out on the street, you’re darn right that I’d be experiencing some weakness in the bowel region.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have Klefki. In the words of the Omega Ruby Pokédex,

“These key collectors threaten any attackers by fiercely jingling their keys at them.”

Just what is fiercely jingling your keys at your attackers going to achieve? If your attackers are anything but a marauding gang of couple-week-old babies (who’ll be momentarily distracted and delighted by the noise), I think you’re still in some trouble there, buddy.

10 Crabrawler: The Super Sore Loser

16- Crabrawler
Via: Amino Apps

Now, if you’ve spent any amount of time gaming online, there’s one thing you’re sure to have noticed: as a general rule, people don’t tend to like losing. The conveniently-timed disconnectors, the ragequitters, the salty hatemailers… whatever game you’re playing, you’re sure to encounter some of them. Maybe you’re even one of them. That’s fine too, nobody’s judging anybody else’s life choices here.

As it turns out, new seventh generation Pokémon Crabrawler would be right at home in this environment. Pokémon Moon reports that, “While guarding its weak points with its pincers, it looks for an opening and unleashes punches. When it loses, it foams at the mouth and faints.”

I don’t know how to tell you this, Crabrawler, but when you lose in a Pokémon battle, you’re fainting anyway. All you’re doing there is being a diva.

9 Chesnaught: Watch Out, It Tackles!

17- Chesnaught
Via: Pokémon Fanon Wiki

Now, Chesnaught is one of those Pokémon that’s just sorely underappreciated. The final evolution of the Grass starter of Sun and Moon, it isn’t bad by any means. Statistically, it’s quite a solid physical tank. Its Grass/Fighting typing is a little questionable, but in the right team…

The sad fact is, it’s just nowhere near the tippy-top, and so is abandoned faster than Snoop Dogg would drop something hot. You should be careful about sleeping on this thing, though, because it’s hilariously, ridiculously powerful. According to Pokémon X’s dex, “Its Tackle is forceful enough to flip a 50-ton tank. It shields its allies from danger with its own body.”

That’s right. Tackle, that super feeble early-game move. Imagine the carnage this thing could cause with an actual, decent attack. This is why it doesn’t learn Close Combat, because it would tear straight through your 3DS and rip the planet apart.

8 Drifloon: When You Want To Be A Monster, But You’re Just A Teeny Balloon

18- Drifloon
Via: DeviantArt (Shattered-Earth)

Here on the internet these days, we see a huge, huge amount of embarrassing viral videos. You know the sort of thing: compilations of people dramatically sliding and falling on ice, with some kind of snarky comedy music playing in the background. Personally, that’s never really been my sort of thing, pointing and laughing at the innocent.

When you’re messing with somebody who deserves it, on the other hand, I’m definitely on board with that. The same’s true in the Pokémon universe. Take the sad fate of Drifloon, for instance. As Pokemon Pearl reports,

“It tugs on the hands of children to steal them away. However, it gets pulled around instead.”

Take that, guy. Enjoy your new life as a helium balloon, you would-be Pied Piper.

7 Froslass: Keeping People And Pokémon As Frozen Ice-Pop Longue Decorations Since 2006

19- Froslass
Via: Giant Bomb

Over here in the UK, there was a particular commercial that always gave me the heebie-jeebies as a child. It was for a certain brand of drink, and featured a character known as the Judderman.

Why am I reliving my childhood traumas like this? Because Froslass always gave me serious Judderman vibes, that’s why. The only Ice/Ghost type, Froslass’s Pokédex entries paint a picture of a malevolent, trickster spirit. The best of them, however, is surely Pokémon Ultra Sun’s, which tells us: “It freezes hikers who have come to climb snowy mountains and carries them back to its home. It only goes after men it thinks are handsome.”

What are you doing with these handsome frozen hikers? What? I need to know. Are they just classy objets d’art you use as part of the décor?

6 Gardevoir: Nice Planet You Have There, It’d Be A Shame If Someone… Created A Darn Black Hole

20- Gardevoir
Via: Pokémon Wikia

Gardevoir, as fans will know, is quite the darn popular Pokémon. It’s very feminine, and that tends to be a real selling point. It also tends to spawn the kind of fan art that you really, really do not want to search online.

The fact is, though, Gardevoir is super affectionate and loyal to its trainer. If you thought Bewear’s spine-crushing hugs were bad, check out Gardevoir’s entry from Pokémon Platinum:

“To protect its Trainer, it will expend all its psychic power to create a small black hole.”

Now, I’m no science whiz, but I’ve seen enough craptastic old sci-fi movies to know that black hole creation isn’t just a harmless pastime; something you recommend to your elderly aunt Dorothea to keep her mind sharp.

How much danger are we talking? Will Gardevoir spontaneously create a black hole as its trainer tries to cross a busy road, for instance?