Sonic Horses will use “surprise mechanics” so that players will be surprised by how ethically Sega treats their tiny, nonexistent horses.

First, we should probably get it straightened out that there is no such thing as Sonic Horses. It’s a take on Sonic Forces, the 2017 platformer that stars Sonic the Hedgehog and various other anthropomorphic animals that are less famous than Sonic. The poster for Sonic Horses even uses the same promotional image as Sonic Forces, but places taped pictures of horses over the game’s characters.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, a recap over EA’s stance on loot boxes. Yesterday, game publisher Electronic Arts went before the UK Committee for Culture, Media, and Sport, and argued that loot boxes are not gambling. They are actually “surprise mechanics.”

Right. And climate change isn’t a fast-approaching global apocalypse, it’s just “surprise planetary heating.”

EA went on to compare FIFA 19’s card packs (which are a slightly more trading card-like version of loot boxes) as the same as a Kinder Surprise or a Hatchimal, with Kerry Hopkins, EA’s VP of legal and government affairs, saying they’re “actually quite ethical and quite fun.”

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Which brings us to Sonic Horses, the nonexistent sequel to Sonic Forces. For just 5 Sonic Buxx, you can purchase a single “surprise” from Sonic Horses’ online store, or for 200 Sonic Buxx you can try your hand at their new “Gaggle of Surprises” package.

Who would’ve thought Sega would be the one to bring down EA?

As for the loot box debate, several countries have already banned them as illegal gambling being pedaled at minors, including Belgium and the Netherlands. Games such as Counterstrike and FIFA have been forced to remove their loot mechanics leaving players either unable to purchase certain items or being given a new storefront that just puts a price on any particular item players in those countries wish to purchase.

EA, however, steadfastly stands by its loot box monetization model for various games, even going so far as arguing before governmental bodies that loot boxes are harmless despite growing evidence to the contrary.

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