Greetings, gamers. This is Officer Jenny. You may have met one or more of my sisters, but I assure you, this is the first time you've met me. I'm here today to discuss a sensitive subject by the name of Ash Ketchum. Aliases include "Ash from Pallet Town." Honestly, that's pretty much it.
Ash is a good-natured kid. His head's in the right place. His body isn't. Wherever Ash goes, he does things no ten-year-old should. I'd like to get him the help he deserves. I can't do it without you. As a Jenny, it's my job to protect my designated section of the world, not befriend it.
A call went out last night from HQ. The caller? Officer Jenny, but the important one, the one who makes calls from HQ. "Apprehend the perp," Jenny said. "This has gotten out of hand." Apparently, young Mr. Ketchum had been spotted riding a Lapras through a restricted area to save a wounded Magikarp. I sympathize, but my job prevents me from empathizing. Please, talk to him. I don't want to have to resort to using Growlithe to take him down.
7 Traveling Unsupervised
Let's cut to the chase here. Ash, by his own admission, wanders the planet without adult supervision. He tells everyone he meets that he's from Pallet Town. It's nice of him to clarify his place of origin. It's also not enough.
Throughout his approximately 364.999 days spent traveling (and counting), this ten-year-old kid has been accompanied by a slowly rotating batch of children who are commonly his age, occasionally a tad older (but still very much children), and on at least one occasion even younger than him.
Our roads are safe. My sisters and I patrol them daily. There's very little crime, so we tend to call it quits around six in the evening, leaving travelers on their own at night. We have no plans to change this approach. Therefore, Ash is camping in the middle of vast expanses of wilderness surrounded by deadly creatures, usually alone.
To reiterate, Ash is ten.
6 Reckless Catching And Abandonment Of Pokemon
Setting aside the obvious problem with entrusting a ten-year-old child to take perfect care of themselves all on their lonesome for extended periods of time, let's tilt our attention toward something that, as a lover of Pokemon myself, I simply cannot overlook.
Ash Ketchum catches Pokemon. He doesn't really seem to do so as much as other trainers, but what do I know, I'm a blue-haired anime character with no clearly defined character traits beyond "law is good, not-law is bad."
Catching Pokemon is all well and good. That's what kids like to do, right? Let kids be kids and all. But Ash, this conniver, he drops the bulk of them on poor Professor Oak and seldom so much as thinks about them again. At this point, Oak must be no younger than 70.999 years of age. Ash thinks that just because he's from Pallet Town, he can dump all his problems on Pallet Town.
Again, he's ten.
5 Attempted Vehicular Manslaughter
Ash thinks we never noticed this one. It happened early on in his year of tyranny, so we'll date it to around .99 years ago. In your odd terms, this places it at "episode 18 of over 1200."
The scene? A beach. The crime? Young Ash Ketchum stole a speedboat and rammed directly into Team Rocket's submarine with it. Now, far be it for any Jenny to pretend Team Rocket isn't a problem, but at least they're adults. Ash, well he's a child, so it's somewhat understandable he may not understand the full implications of his actions. After all, he didn't even check to see if the Rocket grunts in question were alive. In fact, he seemed overjoyed by the belief that he had killed them, dooming them to drown beneath the waves.
Look, we just want to talk to him. We won't press charges.
4 Repeated Death
Dying at the age of ten isn't illegal, but it is frowned-upon and broadly discouraged. Unfortunately, ten-year-olds don't necessarily understand big-picture issues like mortality, as is evidenced by the fact that Ash Ketchum has died. And more than once, at that.
Ash's antics have led to the following six police reports. Parents, be strong.
- A chandelier fell on him during an unexplained set of potentially supernatural circumstances in Saffron City. He died.
- He was turned to stone by Mewtwo and Mew. If dozens of Pokemon and children had not cried on him, he would remain as a stone to this day.
- A blob consumed young Ash, killing him.
- He froze to death in the cold reaches of space. Let me reiterate, ten-year-old child, in space, dead.
- If you were hoping drowning wouldn't make the list, I have some bad news for you.
- This last one's difficult to confirm, as the Jenny who reported the event exists in another dimension. Allegedly, he was killed by Marshadow. Would have stayed dead, too, if his Pikachu didn't leap into the literal afterlife to his rescue.
That's a lot of deaths for one so young.
3 Refusal To Sue A Fraud
It wasn't until rather recently that Ash achieved one of his greatest dreams: becoming the champion in an official Pokemon League. If I had to put a timeframe on it, I'd say that happened around 30 days ago, since it happened in (and I'll never get used to your terms for this) "the 1,078th episode."
But Ash could have, nay, should have, won the Sinnoh League many months beforehand. Indeed, it was the 655th episode, and Ash Ketchum was up against Tobias. Ash has always played by the rules, have I mentioned he's the model ten-year-old, a sweet boy, but Tobias sent out not one but two legendaries to tilt the fight in his favor. These things are banned on Smogon for a reason. He could have sued. He should have sued.
I lost good money on that match! I was going to retire and spend the rest of my days in the lap of luxury swimming beneath the Alolan sun. I could have gotten away from my overbearing sisters forever. I never would have had to give a damn ever again when an ill-trained Yamper bites some annoying kindergartner in the shin. Kid deserved it. I hate Ash.
2 Preventing A Mother's Happiness
Delia Ketchum is a delightful woman. I've been to her house for dinner on more than one occasion. I can tell she doesn't recognize me, she's always emphasizing the wrong part of my name, she's totally talking about the Pallet Town Jenny. It's okay though, she lives a lonely life.
Therein lies the problem. Delia Ketchum is a beautiful woman with decades of life ahead of her. Why won't she take her own happiness into consideration? I understand that romance isn't for everybody, but I refuse to believe someone who cooks this well and sets tables so immaculately hasn't daydreamed that some suitor will sweep them off their feet.
But Delia's every thought is for Ash. She worries where he is. Reasonable, because he's ten. She hopes he isn't getting into any trouble. Clearly, no one told her how close he came to being murdered by Lysandre of Team Flare. Which would only be the seventh time he's died. She hopes he's eating well. Maybe if he lived at home like an ordinary child none of this would be an issue.
It could be me, you know. I could be the one she needs. I would defend Delia until my last Growlithe. I've already bought plane tickets, too. The ring's on its way, we just need to pluck the gem-eyes out of one more Sableye. I hate this kid.
F-forget you read that part.
1 Booking Plane Tickets
This is only here to distract you from that last one. Doesn't mean it isn't true!