I just don’t get it. Pokemon Go is arguably the game of the century, and yet for some reason Niantic continues to make some of the most inordinately bonkers creative decisions I’ve ever witnessed. While I appreciate the game’s status as an archive for otherwise forgotten mechanics and think there’s a certain charm to absurdist little gimmicks like Bidoof Day, Community Days are largely boring now and it almost seems as if Niantic semi-regularly trolls us with its selection of event shinies.
Speaking of trolling, what’s up with Hoopa, eh? I know it’s not a literal troll - it’s more of an imp, which is, in my opinion, fairly pathetic when compared to a big, burly, brutish troll. It is admittedly more trollish after becoming unbound, but also Hoopa Unbound looks more like a Zelda villain than a Pokemon, so, checkmate, actually. Hoopa is crap.
I don’t play Pokemon Go as often as I used to. I log in sporadically and spontaneously and rarely flick curveballs for more than a few minutes at a time. Still, I can honestly say that I love this game. It completely reinvented the Pokemon series and has given it a level of ubiquity that demands proper respect - I will never forget how happy I was when I first read about veteran actor Bill Nighy saying he wanted to go to Strasbourg to look for ancient Mew after falling in love with Go while filming Detective Pikachu. What a legend.
That’s an important point: Bill Nighy is a legend. Do you know who is not a legend? Both Hoopa and Hoopa Unbound, who are supposedly Legendary Pokemon. How can you call yourself Legendary without being a legend? I am sorry, but that is not how etymology works. I have sat here for five minutes trying to come up with a pun on Legendary - Drudgendary is a near-rhyme but also it’s a bit of a stretch, not very funny, and… note to Cian: delete this. Hoopa is a pain in the hoop, which is Dublin slang for - you guessed it! - arse. I hate Hoopa. I feel immense catharsis after typing that.
I just wish Pokemon Go would actually do something more aligned with the kind of inventiveness it has so successfully pioneered over the last five years. This Mischief event, about a subpar Legendary Pokemon who is apparently mischievous and so the whole story is tied to mischief this, mischief that, mischief here, mischief there… Haunter is mischievous. Hoopa is weird. Like, Haunter makes funny faces and is upbeat and plays pranks and is actually a very lovely Pokemon despite people regularly retaining inaccurate perceptions of its intent. If Hoopa came into the same room as me, I would quietly leave and splash water on my face in an attempt to feel clean again. It’s just not very nice.
Anyway, this is my formal plea to stop giving bad Pokemon major events. I mean, Blastoise, the best Pokemon of all time, is right there - just give it an event every week and I, personally, will be happy. I am joking, obviously, but only slightly and actually-not-really-at-all.
If you like Hoopa, I’m sorry - not for upsetting you, but for your bad taste in Pokemon. Don’t worry, it’s alright. You’ll come around in time.