I’m excited for Pokemon Legends: Arceus. Like, really excited. The Pokemon Company is releasing two remakes of Diamond & Pearl within a couple of months of each other, and this was only ever the one I was interested in. As it happened, Brilliant Diamond & Shining Pearl were a bit shit anyway, but I didn’t care - I wasn’t invested. Legends: Arceus, on the other hand, will be incredibly disappointing if it misses the mark.
Legends: Arceus promises a lot from the sparse details fans have been drip-fed over the past months. An open world that expands on Sword & Shield’s Wild Areas, a feudal-era prequel that sees you researching Pokemon for the not-yet-but-inevitably-will-be evil Team Galactic, and a revamped turn-based battle system with two modes of fighting? Sign me up. Throw in a handful of new Pokemon and Hisuian forms - I’m especially excited for the leaked Hisuian Typhlosion, even if our editor-in-chief Stacey Henley is more of a Hisuian Qwilfish enjoyer - and I can barely contain myself.
Why then, has Christina Aguilera got her hands on Pokemon Legends: Arceus and I have not? Yes, she’s a world famous celebrity and has had far more hit singles than I have, but why should that impact whether you get to play Pokemon early or not? Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve reviewed multiple Pokemon games and written about the series more than any other human on the planet (probably) over the past couple of years. Like, I understand that penning 2,000 silly little words ranking the 63 Pokemon not in Generation 8 is not the same kind of achievement as writing and performing Dirrty or appearing on that ensemble cover of Lady Marmalade, but it’s more relevant, surely? Only one of those things was a number one single in Croatia, but on the other hand only one was actually about Pokemon, the very game that Aguilera got her undeserving little hands on.
Okay, I’m being a little unfair now, but I’m jealous so let it slide. Take a breath, Ben, think about this rationally. What did Aguilera actually say about Legends: Arceus? Are there any tidbits of knowledge we can garner from her brief description?
“[My daughter and I] had a brief moment to [try out] Pokemon Legends: Arceus,” she says. “It's so gorgeous, the graphics and the setting that you get to explore in, so she was loving that so much, she wouldn't give me a turn. But that was on set and yeah, it's just such a great way for your family to connect.”
Despite describing it as one of her favourite Switch games in the interview with Elle, I don’t think she’s actually played Legends: Arceus? The important six words are, “she wouldn’t give me a turn.” So, I turn my attention to you, Summer Aguilera, and ask why you got to play Pokemon Legends: Arceus and I didn’t? You didn’t write or sing Croatian number one single Dirrty. You had just as much of a part in Lady Marmalade as I did. And, as far as I know - although do correct me if I’m wrong - you’ve never published a single article about Pokemon. What? No, I don’t care that you’re seven years old.
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To be frank, I’m fed up with this nepotism. Just because your mam is a new Nintendo Ambassador shouldn’t mean you get to play Legends: Arceus before me, a guy who loves Pokemon a lot. I’m completely aware that this is all a marketing stunt that I’ve fallen for hook, line, and sinker, but my pre-order won’t arrive for a good seven weeks yet, and I don’t want to wait that long.
January 28 is Christmas Day if you go by the Hisuian Calendar and Arceus is my Santa Claus. After the disappointment of Brilliant Diamond & Shining Pearl, Legends: Arceus is all I have left and I can’t bear the tension any longer. I want to know if it will be good or not, if it will be “the Dark Souls of Pokemon,” and if Kleavor will grind my tiny bones to make its bread. The fact that someone out there knows and I don’t is killing me. I don’t care that it’s Christina Aguilera, Summer Aguilera, or anyone else, I just care that it’s not me.