As every good wrestling fan - and a fair wedge of casual viewers - undoubtedly know, today’s the day of the greatest annual wrestling match to grace our screens. That’s right, it’s Royal Rumble time.

For those of you uninitiated in the glories of professional wrestling, the Royal Rumble is a match with 30 entrants. It starts with just two wrestlers in the ring, and another makes their entrance every three minutes. Usually we know most of the superstars beforehand, but there’s always a couple of surprises too. This year Steve-O’s joining the fray to promote the new Jackass movie and undoubtedly take a big fucking bump or do something stupid like challenge Kane to an arm wrestle where they’re both on fire.

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The best surprises are always the old wrestlers, though. Fans cross their fingers every year in the hopes that they hear the smash of glass and Stone Cold Steve Austin runs down the ramp, and rumours of Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s return escalate annually. Perhaps he’s starring in a film adaptation of WWE 2K20? But the biggest surprise of all would be if the wrestlers were Pokemon. What do you mean that segue is tenuous at best?

We write about Pokemon a lot at TheGamer, but unfortunately (in my opinion) not so much about wrestling. So if editor-in-chief Stacey Henley is making it her thing to get horny for Pokemon or eat Pokemon (she can’t decide), features editor Eric Switzer is making it his thing to complain about Unite, and news editor James Troughton is making it his thing to have wrong opinions about Pokemon, I need a thing too. Is wrestling x Pokemon my thing? We’ll see. So without any further ado, here are the Pokemon that are most like wrestlers and would compete in a third, Pokemon-based Royal Rumble at TheGamer offices - if we had any.

Brock Lesnar: Machamp

Look, this is an easy one. They’re both massive muscly meatheads. One’s the beast incarnate, and the other’s Brock Lesnar. You get it. Brock’s already got a second set of shoulders coming out of his shoulders, so another set of arms shouldn’t be far behind.

Kane: Incineroar

Incineroar is one of the two Pokemon that are actually wrestling-themed, so it was necessary to get this one spot on. But who else does Incineroar represent better than the man who represents Knox County, Tennessee as mayor? Their politics may not be aligned, but they wear the same costume and Kane is canonically from the fiery pits of Hell - perfectly fitting for a Fire/Dark-type.

Becky Lynch: Charizard

It’s not just Lynch’s flaming locks of auburn hair that match her with Charizard, she’s got a fiery personality too. The Irish superstar is also a fan favourite, much like the Gen 1 starter. See? They’ve got loads in common.

Big E: This Specific Alolan Raichu Delivering Pancakes

Everyone knows Big E loves his pancakes. And popcorn. And cereal. You get the point. Alolan Raichu also loves pancakes, and generally looks like a big jolly pal to have in your party. Who wouldn’t want Big E joining you on your adventure, and who wouldn’t want Alolan Raichu competing in your Royal Rumble?

Sheamus: Scrafty

I’ll be honest here, it’s just the mohican.

Cesaro: Diglett

They’re both bald. I bet he wishes he was Alolan Cesaro, am I right?

Bret Hart: Snubbull

Well he had to be a pink Pokemon, didn’t he? I know Snubbull is hardly the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be, but it looks pretty angry. Vince wouldn’t dare screw over Snubbull using its own move. Or would he?

The Fiend: Banette

I know Bray Wyatt’s been released and therefore The Fiend is probably no more, but this comparison is probably the most accurate of the 30 I’m writing. Yes I’m doing all 30, why? That smile, the creepiness, the ghostly appearances. You can’t persuade me that The Fiend wasn’t based on Banette.

Malakai Black: Dartrix

They’re both emo bois. Look at them. Which is the Pokemon and which is the wrestler? Who knows.

Charlotte Flair: Mega Alakazam

I don’t know if she has a thing for spoons or any psychic powers, but both Charlotte and Mega Alakazam are practically forcing you to bask in their glory (rip Bobby Roode’s old entrance music). They know their power, and won’t let you forget it.

Rey Mysterio: Hawlucha

The lucha libre Pokemon had to be the undisputed king of Lucha Libre himself. I can just as much see Hawlucha doing a 619 as I can Rey Mysterio doing a Flying Press off the top rope. They were made for each other - and Hawlucha was likely directly inspired by Mysterio - so I couldn’t not include them.

The Rock: Graveler

The Rock deserves better than this, but let’s face it, Graveler is just a big rock. It’s the most rock Pokemon around, barring maybe Geodude which is simply too small to compare to Dwayne Johnson’s tree trunk arms and massive chest. The Rock is this rock.

Edge: Gengar

He’s not at all ghostly, but this particular meme of Edge has Big Gengar Energy. They both look like they are up to mischief - and that’s a compliment. Let's just hope Edge doesn't knock the purple out of Gengar's hair.

The Demon Finn Balor: Giratina Origin Forme

These two not only look kinda similar, but they’re both essentially demons. Finn Balor literally (well, in-WWE universe literally) turns into a demon to best difficult opponents, and Giratina was banished to the Distortion World by Arceus. They also both have multiple forms, it works on so many levels.

Vince McMahon: Bagon

Bagon’s mullet looks like Vince’s quiffed grey hair. That’s about it. Sure, I could’ve made the big boss man Arceus or something, but he needs bringing down a peg or two.

Scotty 2 Hotty: Ludicolo

Look at these two! From Scotty’s pineapple haircut to Ludicolo’s pineapple… body, to their mad hats, this pair have exactly the same energy. I’m not saying it’s good energy, but they definitely have the same vibes.

Otis: Snorlax

They’re both big himbos, what more can I say? It wouldn’t surprise me if WWE ran an angle where Otis fell asleep in front of the ring and Xavier Woods had to play his trombone to wake him up.

Ultimate Warrior: Accelgor

They’ve got the same face paint, and that’s about it. Next.

Asuka: Yamask

They both have masks as a core part of their personality. The middle of the Rumble is always the weakest, so while Asuka is far from a bad wrestler, this is a pretty lazy comparison. They get better, I promise.

Samoa Joe: Golem

Look at these two! They’re basically twins, and not like in the Arnie/Danny Devito way. Joe’s a big nerd like us, too, so if you see this pal, try Rollout as your next finisher yeah?

Hulk Hogan: Trubbish

Hulk Hogan is racist trash.

Booker T: Slowking

King recognises king. Sure, Xavier Woods wears the crown these days but no King of the Ring has come close to even imitating the one and only King Booker.

Kurt Angle: Pignite

Come on, they’re wearing the same outfit! I can only assume that this means that Pignite was an amateur wrestler in its past, and maybe even won some gold medals at the Unova Olympics or something. Either way, this means that Pignite walked so Incineroar could run. I bet Pignite’s neck isn’t made of sawdust like Angle’s is, though.

Bianca Belair: Hatterene

The pink, the hair (is that hair on Hatterene?), these two are a great match. Hatterene’s a relative newcomer to the Pokemon world and Bianca Belair has gone from young talent to main eventer in the past couple of years, so they’ve had a similar career trajectory, too. If only Bianca wore a big witch’s hat into the ring. On second thoughts, that would look stupid, but it would improve this comparison.

Mick Foley: Injured Pikachu

We’re onto the big guns now. At 25th, Mick Foley and injured Pikachu have a good shout of winning this rumble, if only they hadn’t been yeeted off a steel cage and been zapped by Lt. Surge’s Raichu just before getting into the ring. As it stands, in their injured state I imagine Rey Mysterio and Hawlucha will form a brutal tag effort to immediately eliminate them.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Squirtle Squad

The bad lad of wrestling and the bad lads of the Pokemon anime: a match made in heaven. Look, that Squirtle Squaddie is even downing a beer like old Steve! You can just imagine them smashing cans and downing foamy IPAs after holding up a PokeRobbery or winning a Royal Rumble. Get Stone Cold a pair of shades, he’s an honourary member of the squad.

Hornswoggle: Pansage

Listen, they’re both shit and green, and there’s always a disappointing entrant right near the end to ruin any sweepstakes you’ve got going. Thought entrant 27 was going to win you some cash? Think again, here’s Pansage to ruin your day. Down to your last Pokemon? Tough luck, it’s Hornswoggle. Wait, what’s the deal here? Are Pokemon and wrestlers swapping jobs? I don’t know but it’s too late to back out now.

John Cena when his opponent kicks out at two: Psyduck all the time

Before he was Peacemaker, John Cena cut his acting chops in the ring, pulling the most almighty confused faces when his opponents kicked out of his Five Knuckle Shuffle. Psyduck wouldn’t be that confused if its opponent survived a Water Gun, except it’s confused all the time so it actually would be. That was convoluted, but these two expressions are identical, and Psyduck might be a surprise pick to win the Pokemon Royal Rumble.

The Undertaker: Honchkrow

Look at them! I know that’s basically been my argument for all of these, but the main criteria was that the Pokemon looked like the wrestler, so it works. Honchkrow’s got the hat, the all-black get-up, and the spooky vibes. Just a shame it’ll take ten minutes to fly into the ring and the match will basically be over by then. Maybe Takerkrow should have come in earlier than 29 to actually make it in time.

Shawn Michaels: Hitmonlee

What’s the difference between a Hi Jump Kick and a Sweet Chin Music? You don’t have to tune up the band for a Hi Jump Kick, but the results are similarly devastating. As the final entrant in our Pokemon Royal Rumble, we had to call back to Gen 1 and bring a bona fide legend back to the fray. HBK could jump straight into an HJK (Hi Jump Kick) and the crowd would pop harder than they did for The Rock. Michaels probably doesn’t have it in him to go all the way from the number one spot any more, and I’m not sure Hitmonlee has enough in it to win from there either, but coming in at 30 might give them both a chance.

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