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Portal was a puzzle game from 2011 that quickly became a cult classic in gaming communities. Its unique sense of humor, extraordinary physics-based gameplay, and spooky setting all added up to a game that was just irresistible.
Its successor had a lot to live up to. Portal 2 didn't disappoint us. It introduced a new character, Wheatley, to give the narrative more room to grow - and he wound up becoming a fan favorite, too. These are some of his very best lines from the game.
10 A Very Minor Case Of Serious Brain Damage
"...It's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed, alright? Although, if you do feel alarm, try to hold onto that feeling because that is the proper reaction to being told you have brain damage."
At the beginning of the game, Wheatley wakes you up from your cryogenic sleep and gives you a brief explanation of what's going on. In his explanations, he delivers this line: that it's possible you have brain damage. To test your cognitive faculties, he asks you to say "Apple." The only response you can give is to jump.
We're sure you're fine.
9 We're Pretty Sure Everyone Isn't Dead
"Okay, listen, we should get our stories straight, alright? If anyone asks -- and no one's gonna ask, don't worry -- but if anyone asks, tell them as far as you know, the last time you checked, everyone looked pretty much alive. Alright? Not dead."
As you and Wheatley attempt to find a Portal gun to help you escape, he begins to move the cell you've been sleeping in and take it towards a docking station (which is definitely not a docking station).
As he goes, he insists that you get your stories straight about what happened to all the other test subjects; apparently, you're the only one still alive. You don't get the opportunity to point out to him that, if his manager was going to show up, they'd definitely have already arrived.
8 Jerry
"Hey! How's it going! I talked my way onto the nanobot work crew rebuilding this shaft. They are REALLY small, so -ah - I KNOW, Jerry. No, I'm on BREAK, mate. On a break. Anyway, we're really close to busting out. Just hang in there for - OW! Just hang in there for five more - What? Jerry, you can't fire me for that! Yes, JERRY -- OR, maybe your prejudiced worksite should have accommodated a nanobot of my size. Thanks for the hate crime, Jer! See you in court, mate. Anyway, look, just hang in there for five more chambers."
Eventually, you and Wheatley manage to wake up GLaDOS, the AI you killed in the first game and who, to put it mildly, is not happy with you. She proceeds to put you through a bunch more tests, during which Wheatley is slyly keeping an eye on you.
You encounter Wheatley once while on an elevator, and he tells you that he's been able to reach you because he's talked his way onto the crew of robots repairing the elevator shaft. The ensuing conversation between him and his boss, Jerry, is nothing short of hilarious.
7 The Horror Story
"They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way."
After you and Wheatley manage to escape GLaDOS' tests, you venture through old parts of the Aperture Science facility. When you pass through the Turret Manufacturing area, Wheatley tells a spooky story about a man who chopped up his robot staff. He says you can still hear their screams.
...Except, the screams are from the replacement robots, who have "no memory of the incident." What are they screaming about? Who knows. Honestly, we can't blame the employee for losing it on some robots; Aperture Science would be a pretty terrible place to work.
6 Nepotism
"Here's an interesting story. I almost got a job down here in Manufacturing. Guess who the foreman went with? Only an exact duplicate of himself. Nepotism. Ended up giving me the WORST job, tending to all the smelly humans."
This is another quote you'll hear while traveling through Manufacturing with Wheatley. He admits that he was almost hired by the foreman to work here. Unfortunately, turned out the foreman hired a clone of himself, instead.
Wheatley chalks this up to nepotism, but we can't help but wonder if he just wasn't qualified. Afterwards, he comments on how he has to take care of all the "smelly humans," but then backtracks and tries to say nice things about humans (but they all just kinda wind up being deeply weird).
5 Bring Your Daughter To Work Day
"Bring your daughter to work day. That did not end well. And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Baking Soda Volcano. Well, at least it's not a potato battery, I'll give it that. Still not terrifically original, though. Not exactly primary research, even within the child sciences.
I'm guessing this wasn't one of the scientist's children. I don't want to be snobby, but let's be honest: It's got manual laborer written all over it. I'm not saying they're not as good as the professionals. They're just a lot dumber."
When you get further into the old Aperture Facility with Wheatley, you'll run into the remains of a Bring Your Daughter To Work Day event that Wheatley says "did not end well" (because GLaDOS wound up killing most of them with neurotoxin).
As you pass by the experiments, Wheatley has devastating comments to make about the children who put them together. He mocks their uninspired and stereotypical potato-battery and baking-soda-volcano experiments.
4 Silent Contemplation
"Alright, so, silent contemplation it is. Mysterious button... Sorry. Sorry. Silence. Do not speak. In the silence. Let the silence descend. Here it comes. One hundred percent silence. From now. By the way, if you come up with any ideas, do flag them up. Don't feel you have to stay quiet because I've said absolute silence. So if you come up with an idea, mention it. Otherwise, absolute silence starting... Now."
There's a part in the first half of the game where, while you're traveling with Wheatley as your sidekick, he doesn't know how to progress. The solution is pretty obvious if you look around a bit - there's a button nearby that would activate the door you want to get through - but Wheatley just waits for you to figure it out.
If you wait long enough, he assumes that you want silence to puzzle out a solution... but he's terrible at the "silent" part.
3 Smashing Monitors
"Aw. Bless your little primate brain. I'm not actually in the room with you. Am I? Technology. It's complicated. Can't hurt the big god face."
Wheatley is actually the antagonist for the latter half of Portal 2, having taken over GLaDOS' role as the central Core of the facility. When you and GLaDOS (whose brain is now housed in a Potato) manage to reach Wheatley, he forces you to complete tests just like GLaDOS used to, saying that it scratches an "itch" in his brain for testing.
He monitors your testing through enormous monitors in every chamber, and there are a few ways that you can actually damage those monitors. When you do, he has a few hilarious voice lines like this one.
2 The Part Where He Kills You
"Hello! This is the part where I kill you."
'The part where he kills you' speaks for itself, honestly. It's repeated in-game three times: once by Wheatley, once by GLaDOS, and once by the large chapter title.
It's a goofy inside joke among fans of the game, and with good reason. It's pretty goofy. Not only the fact that he thinks he can kill you after you escaped from GLaDOS so much, but also the lines he has when you leave and, even better, when you leave and then return to his trap.
1 You Let Him Fall
"And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun. Then, when he's no more use to you, he has a little accident. Doesn't he? 'Falls' off his management rail. Doesn't he? You're in this together, aren't you? You've been playing me the whole time! Both of you! First you make me think you're brain damaged! Then you convince me you're sworn enemies with your best friend over here!"
Wheatley has lots of goofy dialogue during your final confrontation with him, but this is one of our favourites.
During the game, before turning evil, Wheatley will disconnect from his management rail and ask you to catch him. While it's possible to catch him in mid-air, it's a bit tricky and, odds are, you didn't do it.
Wheatley airs his grievances about this failure of yours, all while trying to make himself look like the good guy and returning to one of his running jokes: your brain injury.