The Portal games are among the best puzzle titles on Xbox, PlayStation, or Steam. While plenty of credit should be given to the well-designed gameplay, GlaDOS is perhaps the main reason the games are so beloved. On some occasions, the AI is a villain; other times, she's an uneasy ally.
Regardless of her allegiance, the machine's voice is almost always there to give you company. In fact, it's one of the only voices you hear throughout the series. Therefore, it's lucky that she's so entertaining. From her dry humor to her constant use of sarcasm, the machine provides countless laugh-out-loud lines. Here are some of her most humorous ones.
Updated July 22, 2022, By Ben Jessey: The recently released Portal Companion Collection on the Nintendo Switch contains both main Portal games. Therefore, a whole new set of players have been given the chance to experience the brilliance of GlaDOS.
The AI is among the most iconic characters in the history of gaming, mainly because of her excellent humor. And now that she's back in the limelight, it's a good time to remember some of her funniest comments. We already had 15 of them on this list, but we've now added a few more.
18 “Place The Device Of The Ground Then Lie On Your Stomach With Your Arms At Your Sides. A Party Associate Will Arrive Shortly To Collect You For Your Party.”
After avoiding the pit of fire in the first Portal game, GlaDOS gets a little desperate. As such, her lies get more transparent, which makes them all the more hilarious.
For instance, while trying to convince you to come to the apparent party she has set up for you, she asks you to drop your portal gun and lie face-down on the floor so a party associate can collect you. Nobody would fall for this ruse, as it sounds more like you're getting arrested than preparing for a party.
17 “In Fact, You Did So Well I’m Going To Note This On Your File In the Commendations Section. Oh, There’s Lots Of Room Here.”
This is one of the most subtle insults that GlaDOS throws your way throughout the games. After you pass a test, she claims that she's going to note down your achievements in the commendations section on your file.
Then she slyly points out that there's a lot of room in this particular section. It's the AI at her passive-aggressive best. To add further insult, all she apparently writes in your file is "did well," which is very patronizing.
16 “Let Me Give You The Fast Version [Superfast Inaudible Explanation]. There, If You Have Any Questions, Just Remember What I Said In Slow Motion.”
While GlaDOS spends most of the time as your tormentor, she does also serve as an adequate guide through the various test chambers you must complete. However, sometimes she prefers to mess with you rather than help out.
One such occasion happens during the second game when she claims that the upcoming test needs some explanation. She then provides said explanation at a speed that's inaudible to the human ears before telling you to remember what she said in slow motion. She's just trolling you at this point.
15 "A Bitter, Unlikeable Loner Whose Passing Shall Not Be Mourned. ‘Shall Not Be Mourned.’ That’s Exactly What It Says. Very Formal. Very Official.”
Throughout the first game, GlaDOS never gives up the ruse that she is throwing you a party. Even after the alleged event is canceled, she still claims that it was going to happen.
At one point, the AI explains that all of your friends were invited to the gathering. However, she follows that up by pointing out that you have no friends because you're unlikeable. Then she reads out an insulting yet hilarious extract of your personal file. The highlight is that your supposed official file includes the words "shall not be mourned."
14 “Despite Your Violent Behavior, The Only Thing You’ve Managed To Break So Far Is My Heart.”
While making your way through Aperture Science Facilities, you sometimes cause a bit of damage. Your destructive nature is particularly on show when you're trying the escape the place's overlord.
Yet, when you finally come face to face with GlaDOS in the first game, she isn't mad about the damage you've done to the place. She is more concerned with the damage you've done to her poor heart. It's among GlaDOS' best quotes and one of the rare times where the machine delivers her insult in a single line.
13 “Remember Before When I Was Talking About Smelly Garbage Standing Around Being Useless? That Was A Metaphor. I Was Actually Talking About You.”
The early test chambers in Portal 2 look a little worn down and broken. And GlaDOS occasionally needs to fix them on the fly. There's one in particular that she needs to clean out because, in her words, "there's still trash in them. Standing around smelling, being useless."
Later she brings up her words again and admits she was actually describing you. Then she adds further insult by pointing out that you failed to realize the metaphor, and that's why she had to call you garbage again.
12 “I Wouldn’t Bother With That Thing. My Guess Is That Touching it Will Just Make Your Life Even Worse Somehow”
During the big boss fight with GlaDOS in the first game, she constantly tries to deter you from picking up the cores that are dropping off her body. One of her best tactics to stop you involves playing down their importance.
However, on one occasion, she also adds a little insult. She claims that by picking up her cores, your life could get "even worse somehow." It also could work as a threat, but it isn't likely to scare you off. After all, you're on the verge of being killed by an all-powerful AI, so there's not much worse your life can get.
11 "It’s Right Here In Your File: On Other People, It Looks Fine. But Right Here A Scientist Has Noted That On You It Looks Stupid”
Some of GlaDOS's best quotes are insults that she pretends aren't her own. For instance, in the second game, she randomly says that your jumpsuit looks stupid, then follows up by stating that it's something she read in your file.
The AI insists that a scientist wrote that the same outfit looks fine on other people. Then she makes the insult worse by explaining that the woman responsible for the opinion has "a medical degree in fashion from France." Calling GlaDOS' claims farfetched would be an understatement.
10 "Any Feelings You Think It Has For You Are Simply By-Products Of Your Sad, Empty Life."
GlaDOS does several awful things during the games. And one of her most consistent misdeeds is mocking your friendship with companion cubes. She believes you love the weighted cubes, despite them not being sentient - although she claims they are at one point.
An example of her teasing comes in the second game when you get trapped. She thinks you're expecting the cube to save you, and the mean AI points out how pathetic that is.
9 "If You Become Light Headed From Thirst, Feel Free To Pass Out."
Upon starting the series, it's understandable if you consider GlaDOS to be a friend. After all, she's guiding you through each test. However, it doesn't take long for her meaner and more sarcastic side to come out.
For instance, when you obtain the ability to control both portals, she remarks that as a result, the next experiment could take a long time. She then follows it up by giving you some pretty terrible advice about feeling light-headed. The funny line comes early in the short and exciting game.
8 "How Are You Holding Up? Because I’m A Potato."
GlaDOS doesn't have the best time in Portal 2. This is because, after losing control of the Aperture Science facility, her consciousness gets transferred into a potato. She then spends most of the adventure in the form of the vegetable.
While not great for her, it leads to a comical moment when she reunites with Chell. She sarcastically asks how the test subject is holding up before pointing out her own predicament. As it is partially Chell's fault, she deserves to be on the receiving end of the snark.
7 "I'm Afraid You’re About To Become The Immediate Past President Of The Being Alive Club."
Unlike many traditional villains, GlaDOS rarely ever admits to trying to do you harm. Yet, she reveals her true intentions in an altercation in the second game. But in classic GlaDOS fashion, her threat is unique.
She doesn't simply say, "I'm going to kill you" or "you will be destroyed." Instead, the AI talks about you losing your position in the "being alive club." She deserves points for creativity as well as hilarity.
6 "Nobody But You Is That Pointlessly Cruel."
Some protagonists have a villainous side, and GlaDOS thinks that Chell is one of them. This belief mainly comes from the fact that the test subject destroyed the AI at the end of the first title.
In the sequel, GlaDOS sarcastically questions who murders people that are helping them. The only answer she can come up with is you, aka Chell, remarking that nobody else is that cruel. They're harsh but funny words to hear.
5 "Don’t Believe Me? Here, I’ll Put You on: [Hellooo!] That’s You! That’s How Dumb You Sound."
Portal doesn't have boss fights as difficult as those found in games like Cuphead, but they're still fun. And GlaDOS makes the climactic battle of the original title very humorous.
Clearly worried about being destroyed, she continually tries to talk you out of fighting. One line has her explaining that she's your only chance at survival as she has a backup copy of your brain. To prove it, she pretends to put you on the speaker and then ridicules you.
4 "The Birth Parents You Are Trying To Reach Do Not Love You."
During one test in Portal 2, GlaDOS starts to feel bad about how she treats you. So, she decides to cheer you up by ringing your parents. Of course, this is just a ruse as the AI impersonates their answering machine, claiming they don't love you.
It's among her cruelest roasts in the series, as well as her funniest. It's made even more comical by how she keeps up the charade after the fact, saying that the message was sad.
3 "It Made Shoes For Orphans. Nice Job Breaking It. Hero."
To defeat GlaDOS at the end of the original game, you need to destroy the AI's various cores. Some of which, GlaDOS claims even she doesn't know what they do.
Although, one core apparently makes shoes for orphans. It's suspicious, to say the least, but the AI claims that's the case and lambasts you for destroying it. Few villains have ever played these sorts of hilarious mind games with the protagonists.
2 "Remember When The Platform Was Sliding Into The Fire Pit, And I Said 'Goodbye,' And You Were Like 'No Way!' And Then I Was All, 'We Pretended We Were Going To Murder You.' That Was Great."
There's been some brilliant food in gaming history, but few are as famous as the mysterious cake from Portal. GlaDOS spends significant time promising you the treat for finishing all of the tests.
Yet, upon completing the experiments, you're actually led into a pit of fire. Luckily with the portal gun, you're able to escape. GlaDOS then starts to claim that the attempt on your life was just a joke. Later, she even reminisces about the incident fondly.
1 "Here Come The Test Results: 'You Are A Horrible Person.' That’s What It Says, 'A Horrible Person.' We Weren’t Even Testing For That."
While making your way through Portal 2, you'll finish a certain test, and GlaDOS will reveal the results. In the process, she delivers one of the best video game quotes ever and an iconic burn.
The AI claims that the results confirm that you're a horrible person, despite that not being the purpose of the test. It's a hilarious line that has since become famous. Even the CD Projekt RED game, Cyberpunk 2077, even makes a reference to it.