It can be a tough life, being a Pokémon fan who’s also an actual real-life adult. Granted, it’s 2017, and people have become a little more accepting of others’ life choices and such, but a little stigma still remains.

That third-grade schoolyard mentality is still a thing, really. The core FPS crowd of gamers tend to have a bleak outlook on other titles they consider below them, and for some, Pokémon qualifies. These are children's’ games, we’re told, and that’s all there is to it.

Except, of course, it isn’t. As I said when we jumped into Kanto’s shonkier Pokédex entries,  the whole accessible for everybody Nintendo philosophy was made for Pokémon. Children are welcome, of course, but there are subtle nuances to breeding and competitive play that keep adult tournament-goers engaged as well. Not to mention the raw power of nostalgia.

Pokémon Go’s great success with all age groups proved that the series still has our imaginations in a vice grip. There are a lot of things going on below the surface, in short, so we can’t write the series off purely for its cutesy visuals and tone.

Here we go, then, on another voyage into the murky depths of Pokémon depravity. Having tackled the first generation of games, Pokémon Red and Blue, there was one obvious place to go next. Pack up your Poké Balls and Repels then, friends, because generation two’s Johto is our destination this time. Let’s see if Gold, Silver and Crystal’s Pokédex entries can out-creep the first games.

15 Tear Ya Later, Feraligatr

In the Pokémon world, we hear precious little of regular animals. NPCs we encounter in the games don’t have hamsters, cats, dogs or duck-billed platypuses as pets, do they? They have herdiers, Persians and, in the case of one memorably eccentric old sailor, a wingull.

With this lack of regular ol’ animals doing the rounds, then, carnivorous Pokémon must have to prey on other ‘mon. This sort of thing is well documented. Heatmor, for instance, is the ant-eater Pokémon, and it feeds by roasting Durant alive inside their armored shells and devouring them.

While that sounds like a bit of a d-bad move on Heatmor’s part, the poor guy’s got to eat. Feraligatr, meanwhile, tears its victims (not prey) into tiny fleshy hunks just because.

14 Houndoom Will Make You Burn FOREVER

Now, right from our first glimpse of Houndoom, we knew this thing was going to be all kinds of bad news. A rare Fire/Dark type, it just leaks evil from every pore. Just look at its design. It’s rocking that Lion King Be Prepared look; like Mr T broke on into the elephant’s graveyard and made himself a whole new jewelry collection from the bones.

As such, when it comes to Houndoom’s Pokédex entry, you’d expect something a little grim. Right on cue, here it is hitting us with that toxic firebreath that burns you for the rest of your damn life. Granted, just about any dog’s morning breath could slay a Tyrannosaurus Rex from two towns away, but that seems a little excessive to me.

13 Because Espeon's Fur Can See The Future

As fans will know, when Pokémon Red and Blue were released, there were only three Eeveelutions to choose from: Jolteon, Flareon, and Vaporeon. The OG trio all have their talents and uses, and more important, they were darn popular. This meant only one thing: more would soon be added.

The second generation arrived with another duo of Eevee forms in tow. Espeon, the Psychic type Eeveelution, was one of them, and man does it have some psychic powers. According to Gold’s Pokédex, it can “sense air currents and predict its enemy’s actions,” using only the fine hair that covers its body. Not only that, but it can also tell you next week’s weather. Who knows what other undisclosed powers this adorable little thing has?

Does Spider-Man have a fine downy-haired butt that gives him his Spider Sense? I’d like to think so.

12 Entei's True Power

Entei’s Pokédex entry, I’m sure, will be familiar to a lot of you. This fiery legendary Pokémon has been engaged in a who’s-the-best-flamey-assed-dog battle with Arcanine for many years now, and we’ve come to know it pretty darn well in that time.

As you may well have heard, volcanoes supposedly burst into life whenever Entei barks. According to some entries, this also happens whenever an Entei is born, which makes it quite a dangerous dude to have around.

In terms of gameplay, there’ll little evidence of any unrestrained “extreme power” on Entei’s end, but there it is. It’s always been a useful but not overwhelming sort of Pokémon in battle, but what would I know? It’s Usain Bolt-ing across the planet for some kind of reason, after all.

11 Meganium The Plant Necromancer

Now, I can dig Grass types. I totally can. I was a proud advocate of Rufflet when Pokémon Sun and Moon were first revealed, it was my starter, and I regret nothing. NOTHING.

Even with that said, though, I can’t deny that it’s a tough life being a Grass Pokémon. Like Ice and Rock, Grass is unfortunate to be lumbered with a myriad of weaknesses, as well as a reputation for being irritating as hell, tanky status-spreaders.

Meganium exemplifies all of these qualities. A powerhouse it is not, but it can eat hits like Arnold Schwarzenegger taking bullets in the Terminator movies. This isn’t too unusual or remarkable, but what’s that you say? It can bring my shonky old Christmas tree --which my family have been trotting out every year since 1999-- back to its former glory? Sold.

10 Noctowl Is A Low-key Genius

Noctowl is one of those poor, forgotten, also-ran Pokémon. That’s the sad truth of the franchise, really. There are just shy of one thousand different critters now (what with mega evolved forms and all of those shenanigans), only a select number of which see any real use in standard play.

Noctowl can see use in the lower tiers, as a reasonably good wall for special hits. That’s about the extent of its use, in gameplay terms, but we’ve got to look beyond that kind of superficial stuff. Let’s take the time to pause and appreciate everything a Pokémon has to offer.

What does this thing have to offer? An adorable puppy head tilt, that’s what. Because in Pokémon’s Bizarro World universe, that ‘sharpens your intellectual power.’ So that’s a thing.

9 Terminator 5: Rise Of The Porygons

I know I’ve already touched on Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Terminator movies, but there’s a darn good reason for that: They’re amazing. They’re also, in this increasingly tech-reliant world, becoming more and more relevant every day. Take heed, computer design guys, or Arnold will be forced to time-travel back to us in the nude to save us all. And nobody wants to see that anymore, the guy’s pushing seventy.

I’m mentioning Terminator again because Porygon 2’s dex entry has me all kinds of spooked. Both Pokémon Silver and Crystal refer to this manmade ‘mon exhibiting behaviours and actions which were not programmed. Is it just me who’s terrified here?

The world’s in enough of a mess as it is. We don’t need Porygon 2s becoming sentient and perceiving mankind as a threat to their weird, bobbing duck-looking existence.

8 So Your Shuckle's Toes Sweat Poison

Shuckle’s anatomy has always been kind of a puzzle to me. Just what in the name of hell is going on here? Are we looking at an Earthworm Jim sort of situation, where the odd Koopa shell-looking armor landed on the guy one day? That’s my guess.

Whatever the case, this is another underutilized, underappreciated member of the Pokémon roster. You rarely ever see this thing, and when you do, it’s being a pain in the ass with its huge, silly defenses.

If you stopped being so darn closed-minded and got to know the true Shuckle inside, though, your opinion may change. It’s a fascinating, sensitive soul, who enjoys writing poetry, long walks in the park and secreting some kind of acid from its toes (a la Alien’s Xenomorphs).

7 Skarmory, Abusive Parent

Speaking of bulky pains in the ass, here comes Skarmory. This Steel/Flying type is renowned as one of the best physical walls in standard play. It boasts a perfect combination of typing and movepool to get the job done. Reliable recovery, hazard setting, and removal, this is the bird for the job.

But it didn’t just happen that way. Like all success stories worth listening too, this came as a result of hard graft. We’re not talking about get rich quick schemes or lottery wins. Skarmory hones its babies to take hits from an early age, by nesting in bramble bushes and getting their sorry butts jabbed repeatedly by thorns.

Like the babies, I’m kind of torn here (see what I did there?). Is this brilliant, or is it horrifying?

6 When Slowking Isn't As Slow As You'd Think

Just a couple of entries back, we saw Shuckle boring through rock with its bizarre acid toe sweat. I hardly need to tell you, that’s a little on the weird side. It’s kind of terrifying, too, as poison gets a bad rap in the Pokémon world. In this series, it’s usually associated with Toxic stalling tactics, and that’s not something anyone wants to have to think about.

Enough being Negative Nancies about toxin, though. Generally, it’s something to avoid, but somehow it’s done wonders for Slowking. As we all know, Slowpoke evolves into Slowbro when a Shellder bites down on its tail and affixes itself. This has never made any damn kind of sense, but there’s more. Slowking, meanwhile, has the Shellder attached to its head, instead, and it “unlocked an extraordinary power” in the process. The more poison Shellder pumps into its host, the smarter it gets. Apparently.

5 Slugma, Run For Your Life

Grass types, as I say, get a tough lot in life. To be frank, though, it’s not just them. Not by a long shot. As the Pokédex repeatedly tells us, it’s really not easy being a Pokémon. You’ve got douchey humans beating you silly and capturing you as their battle servants, and that’s only the start of it.

We all know the grisly stories of what happens to a Charmander if the flame on the end of its tail goes out, or to a Spoink if it ever stops that infernal darn bouncing (if you don’t, that’s it DIES and it DIES respectively). Pity the lesser-known Slugma, then, who lives in much the same state of impending death but just doesn’t bitch about it. “It never sleeps. It has to keep moving because if it stops, its magma body would cool and harden,” Pokémon Gold reports.

4 Stantler's Dark (And Utterly Ridiculous Secret

There are few Pokémon in the entire series as unassuming-looking as Stantler. Look at the guy. It’s just a deer. He looks like the sort of guy who befriends a hyperactive rabbit and a creepy-looking owl out in the woodlands.

Don’t be deceived, though. Don’t look at this thing’s appearance and stats and laugh. Don’t mock it like the mocking mockster of mock that you are. Because, friends, Stantler is serious business.

“Those who stare at its antlers will gradually lose control of their senses and be unable to stand,” Silver’s Pokédex tells us. “The curved antlers subtly change the flow of air to create a strange space where reality is distorted,” Gold chimes in.

That’s just way beyond the pale right there. I can’t even.

3 When Typhlosion Reveals Its FINAL FORM

Now, I definitely have no beef with Typhlosion. Absolutely none at all. Now that I stop and think about it, this thing is probably one of my favorite Fire starters, behind only Charmander and Keith from The Prodigy.

Granted, it was never anything particularly special in battle, but its hidden ability Flash Fire has given it a kinda-sorta new lease of life. When it comes to spamming Eruption with a Choice Scarf equipped, nobody does it quite like this fellow here.

Its dex entries from Gold and Silver, sadly, show Typhlosion’s untapped potential. It sounds like much more of a powerhouse than it’s really capable of being. “It has a secret, devastating move,” you say? Now, that, I would pay good money to see.

2 ecause Of Course Umbreon Sweats Poison

Arriving for the second generation along with Espeon, Umbreon was the other new Eeveelution to hit Johto. It was the first in a wave of Dark Pokémon, a typing specifically implemented to nerf the Godzilla-in-downtown-Tokyo destruction being wreaked by Psychic types in Red and Blue.

In and of itself, Umbreon isn’t much of an attacker. Its stats are geared around walling, supporting and generally being tanky. Its original Pokédex entry kind of attests to that, implying that you’re not going to have much luck if you try to attack this thing.

According to the Gold dex, “When agitated, this Pokémon protects itself by spraying poisonous sweat from its pores.” I’m not sure what it is with Johto Pokémon leaking hazardous substances, but they’re darn lucky there’s no nuclear safety inspector around.

1 Wooper The Toxic Paralysis Slug?

Damn it, Wooper. We’ve just spoken about this. Can we all just chill the hell out with the poison-leakage?

“When it walks around on the ground,” Pokémon Silver tells us, Wooper “coats its body with a slimy, poisonous film.” Gold adds that, if you touch this thing without wearing gloves, you’ll experience a shooting pain.

All of this begs the question, why? I mean, look at the thing. It’s horrifying. Can you really imagine any would-be predators wanting to eat it? It’s got the kind of face that would give you nightmares for a week, like Christopher Walken or somebody.

Let’s not forget, too, that this thing evolves into Quagsire, the dumbest-looking Pokémon since Bibarel. I just don’t see what that poisonous defense system could be needed for.