The Pokémon franchise really does embody everything that the E for Everyone ESRB rating is all about. This is not a euphemism for cutesy and awful. We’re not talking about Barney the Dinosaur’s Adorably Simple Adventure for Babies. This is the real deal, right here, a game that generations can bond over together.

I once saw a huge, tattooed dude almost crying for joy when a super-rare Dragonite spawned in Pokémon Go. That’s the raw power of this franchise. Despite that, though, you’ll often hear the old tired argument that Pokémon is ‘for kids.’ The fact is, it’s cartoonish and simplistic, as RPGs go, and there are some who simply can’t look past that.

With all of that said, this is the sad thing. When you’re this judgey, purely on face value, you miss out on so much. When it comes to the Pokémon franchise, there’s a heaping helping of super dark content in there, hidden beneath that child-friendly exterior.

Whether it’s disturbing, inexplicable or just simply bizarre, a lot of the series’ more unhinged content is hidden away in the Pokédex. Players can happily cruise on through the game ignoring most of these entries, and so they’ll never see the light of day for some. That would be a sad loss for us all, because some of this stuff is solid gold.

Today, we’re focusing on Red, Blue and Stadium’s entries, and man were these writers nutty back then. Strap yourselves in, friends, it’s going to be a beautifully ridiculous ride.

15 We Do WHAT To Every Bulbasaur At Birth?

Dang it, Pokémon. Back in 1998, we were all young and impressionable. It was a simpler time, a time before the Internet allowed everyone quick and easy access to the shadiest and most disturbing places the human mind can go.

So why, Game Freak, did you have to pull this sort of thing? The very first entry in the Pokédex reads, “A strange seed was planted on its back at birth.” For every single Bulbasaur? What kind of terrifying Illuminati confirmed conspiracy is this? Who plants them? What happens to seedless Bulbasaurs? Is there an odd, distorted Santa Claus character who travels the Poké-world, present at the birth of every Bulbasaur a la John Hammond in Jurassic Park?

14 Chansey And Its Freakish Eggs

Now, I might have missed a couple of the finer points during the birds and bees talk my mom gave me, but I think we’re staring down the barrel of a biological impossibility right here.

Pokémon Stadium reports that Chansey “lays very succulent eggs every day.” That’s laying them, friends. This is an actual thing that Chanseys do. With that in mind then, allow me to blow your brains right the hell out of your skull and onto the ceiling by asking: How in the name of everything good and pure?

Happiny, Chansey and Blissey are eggs, essentially. They have become one with the egg. Egg is life. Egg is love. What could ‘laying’ even possibly mean in this context? Do they materialize in their pouches or something? Because that’s a mental image I don’t need.

13 Machop Has ‘Bulges’ In All The Right Places

Now, the Machop line has always striven to beat us over the head with its raw muscular masculinity. Musculinity, I guess you could call it, and these three Pokémon are loaded with it. They have more studly appeal than that guy from the Old Spice commercial, and they ooze it from every pore.

How else could you explain those tiny wrestler Speedos, or the fact that Machamp has a six pack on its back? Granted, there’s nothing new about this information, but try Machop’s dex entry from Stadium on for size: “Its whole body is covered with muscles, so it can raise bulges anywhere. It can throw a hundred adults.”

There are far too many sleazy jokes you could make from that bulge-raising business, so I don’t really want to get into that. The real question is, how much research money has science wasted seeing how many adults a Machop can throw? And is it throwing them all at once? That would be a hell of a sight to see.

12 When Metapod ‘Pops Out’

For many fans, Metapod is a bit of a nonentity. It’s completely, woefully, even-its-mama-wants-a-refund useless, and about as capable in battle as a one-legged arthritic kitten in a coma. As such, we don’t often stop to think much about it. We just point and laugh, like the mocking mocksters of mock that we are.

It’s a shame, really, as we then miss out on doozies like this, from the Pokémon Yellow dex: “A large impact may cause it to pop out of its shell.”

I quite literally cannot even. The creature we know as Metapod isn’t technically the Metapod at all, but rather the protective shell. What in the name of Satan’s gaudily stained underpants is inside there? Some kind of squishy, fleshy non-thing. I’ve no clue, but I do not want to see it pop out.

11 Lickitung And The Impossible Chameleon

Not only is that a great title for a book, but it’s also another curious Pokédex mystery. This one’s a little different, more about the implications on the world as a whole rather than anything particularly bizarre.

Even so, we’ve got to address the humongous saliva-dripping elephant in the room first. This thing is only 3’11,’ and its tongue is seven feet long. That’s almost as unsettling as the barnacle’s absurd dong-to-body-size ratio, and it’s something I can never support in any type of way.

All of this notwithstanding, the strangest aspect of this Pokédex entry would be “Its tongue can be extended like a chameleon’s.” What are these chameleons you speak of? Pokémon are the only animals that exist in the Poké-world, after all. Get away from that fourth wall, Game Freak.

10 So Why The Hell Is Magnemite Screwed Over By Ground Moves?

Dual typing adds an intriguing element to Pokémon strategy. On the one hand, it can be a real boon, offering a Pokémon a second STAB choice and perhaps negating some of the first type’s weaknesses with the second’s resistance. A good combination can be as beneficial as a bad combination can be fatal.

When both types share a weakness, that becomes a 4x super effective move. Needless to say, nobody wants one of those hurtling at their faces. Magnemite, for instance, in Electric/Steel, which leaves it taking quadruple damage from Ground-type moves. Tough break for the poor guy, as according to four different Pokédex entries, it should be immune to them. Pokémon Red and Blue tell us that it “uses anti-gravity to stay suspended,” while Yellow runs that damn ball to the end zone and flat-out states “it is born with the ability to defy gravity.”

Defy then, Magnemite. DEFY.

9 Nidorino’s Powerful Poison-Pumpin’ Diamond Horn

Now, there are a great array of animal species in this world of ours. From the humble earthworm to the immense blue whale, there’s something for everyone right here. The fact of the matter is, though, there’ll always be some that are a little less suitable for owning as pets than others. I doubt even Kanye West has a big enough backyard pool to keep a blue whale contented, for instance.

And then there’s Nidorino. What the hell was evolution thinking when it brought this thing into being? “Its horn is harder than diamond,” Pokémon Stadium tells us. “If it punctures an enemy, it pumps powerful venom into the wound.” Now surely, by anyone’s standards, that’s a little on the excessive side? It’s like equipping Godzilla with heat-seeking nuclear missiles or Doctor Evil’s sharks with frikkin’ laser beams.

8 When Raichu Gets ‘Frisky,’ It Starts Glowing In The Dark

As we know, Pokémon isn’t a Nintendo-developed franchise, but it fits in super well with the company’s philosophy. They’ve been in the business for a long time now, and if they’ve developed a reputation for anything, it’s for taking care not to freak out Little Jimmy too much with their games.

For the same reason that the older Mortal Kombat titles had that feeble green blood, we just get a vague euphemism about ‘feisty’ Raichu. “When electricity builds up inside its body, it becomes feisty. It also glows in the dark,” reports Pokémon Yellow. This unfortunate, involuntary habit must ruin the mood a little. Picture the scene: Barry White is playing softly, the candles are lit, items of clothing are catapulting all over the room… suddenly, your partner’s glowing in the dark like a cheap Halloween decoration.

7 Screw It, I’m Not Climbing Into A Volcano For You, Magmar

Diving back into the original games via Virtual Console release quite recently, it was a little jarring how dated they felt. This is to be expected with most titles from twenty years ago, granted, but for a series that is often criticised for playing it safe, the mechanics really have come a long way.

There was no breeding in the first generation of Pokémon; no eggs to hatch or any of that sort of thing. Which makes this Magmar mystery all the more difficult to comprehend.

Magmars are “born in an active volcano,” Yellow’s dex tells us. As I say, this was a time before day care center workers oblivious to Poké-nookie would give us eggs, so how did this work out? Did Fire-type trainers cruise on down into the center of a volcano when their Magmar was due to give birth? My mind was not ready for this.

6 Hitmonchan Floats Like A Butterfly, Stings Like A Thousand Bullet Trains

And so we arrive at my favorite retro Pokémon tidbit, bar none. None.

I’ve been a Hitmonchan fanboy ever since I first clapped eyes on its holo card back in day. The card was pretty darn bad, if I remember rightly, but it was the first shiny Pokémon card I ever saw. As such, the card and the ‘mon have a unique place in my crusty heart. Reading more about Hitmonchan, we learn that it fires lightning-fast punches quicker than the human eye can see (“Adept at punching invisibly quick at bullet-train speed,” according to Yellow).

Understandably, this sort of thing exhausts it quickly, and it needs to rest after three minutes of fighting. I just don’t understand the logistics of this. What do these fights actually look like? The more you consider it, the more bizarre it becomes.

5 Nightmare Fuel: When Squirtle Is Born Without Its Shell

As the old Donald Duck joke goes, he walks around naked most of the time, but puts a towel around his waist when he comes out of the shower. This is what we call suspension of disbelief or cartoon logic, and we’re expected to just sit idly by and allow this lawless madness to roll over us.

Having come to terms with such an outrageous concept, we’re then presented with this conundrum: Is a Squirtle without its shell more or less naked than it was before? Can we pretend that ‘nakeder’ is a word, just for this purpose? I’m not qualified to answer these questions. All I know, as per Pokémon Yellow, is that “It takes time for the shell to form and harden after hatching.”

What if it doesn’t? WHAT THEN?

4 Mew, The Hottest New Star From South America

I hate to break this to you all, friends, but Pokémon is not set in the real world. The presence of 30-foot rock snake monsters, haunted sentient swords, and Team Rocket’s talking cat probably tipped you off on that one already.

With that revelation over with, the original games’ Pokédex entries are a curious read. Before certain things were settled on, there are some out-of-place mentions that never made it into any other dex entries going forward. References to real-world places, for instance.

Pokémon lore demonstrates that Mewtwo is a clone of Mew. We know this, we saw this, we watched Mewtwo go all ape-poopy over it in the movie. So where did Mew itself come from? “A mythical Pokémon of South America which had been thought extinct,” there must have been many of them here in the real world at some point.

3 Rapidash, The Time-Travelling Hax God

There are a fair few things to point out here. First and foremost, Pokémon Stadium tells us that Ponyta’s evolved form is “capable of reaching 150mph at full speed.” These crazy guys are super competitive racers, and will go barrelling after just about anything in hopes of challenging it to a race.

This is all well and good, but considering that 150mph is twice as fast as the fastest land animal on Earth (cheetahs can reach 75mph or 120 km/h, trivia fans), I don’t think Rapidash is going to find much competition. The truly ridiculous thing about this is that “fast trains or cars” didn’t exist in the Pokémon universe at the time this entry was written. So what the heck’s going on here? How do Poké-scientists know that? CELEBI CONFIRMED.

2 What In The Name Of EVERYTHING Is Up With Poliwag’s Internal Organs?

I’ll admit, I’m probably not qualified to comment here. After all, when it comes to anatomical/biological knowledge, I have slim to bupkuss to offer. Cynical old dude that I am, I’m not quite old enough to have ever dissected a frog in school.

Even with that said, though, there are certain things that are common sense. Those distinctive patterns on the Poli evolution line’s stomachs? They don’t look like any damn internal organs I know of. Who’s asking my opinion, though? The Pokémon world sure isn’t.

Pokémon Stadium hits us with this little doozy: “The spiral on its belly is its internal organs seen through its thin skin.” That’s right, friends. Now take another look at the picture, and read that sentence again. Eew.

1 This Just In: MUK HAS FREAKING FEET

In these sorts of situations, it’s important to remember that not everything is to be taken literally. When companies talk about reducing their ‘carbon footprint,’ they don’t mean an actual huge, oily, smoky jackboot stomping on the Earth’s lifeforce. That’s generally what it boils down to, granted, but we’re being metaphorical in tone here.

Oftentimes, footprints are about what you’re leaving behind in a more poetic sort of way. But maybe that’s not the case here.

Remember when you first saw Mega Gengar being sent into battle, which was the only time you caught a glimpse of its tiny, hilariously adorable little feet? I like to think that’s what Game Freak meant when they said of Muk, “it is so toxic, even its footprints contain poison.”