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30 Things About Riverdale That Make No Sense

Based loosely off of the classic Archie comics, which were originally released in the early 1940s, Riverdale follows the characters we all know and love: Archie, Betty, Veronica, and Jughead. Moreover, this time out, we get to see them in a series of much darker adventures. In the comics, Archie and the gang spent most of their time going to school, playing sports, hanging out at Pop’s, and dealing with drama over the Archie/Betty/Veronica love triangle. For the love of humanity, it’s been over seventy years, Archie! Choose Betty. Sorry, just had to get that out of my system. As you might be able to tell, I grew up on the original series, and when I found out about Riverdale, I couldn’t wait to give it a try (and I must say I am obsessed). Still, as with any adaptation —especially one trying as hard as Riverdale is to be nothing like its original source material— there are bound to be some things that don’t quite work. Plot holes, weird storylines that seem to go just a bit too far, and characters that don’t quite act like any normal person ever… Riverdale definitely has some things that don’t quite add up. Without further ado, here are 30 things about Riverdale that just don’t make sense. As you may have guessed, there will be some major spoilers ahead… You have been warned!

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29 Literally Everything About Miss Grundy

(Via: riverdale.wikia.com)

 Archie fans will no doubt remember the gang’s teacher, Miss Grundy. Like many characters from the Archie comics universe, Miss Grundy makes an appearance in Riverdale, and I know that Riverdale’s takes on Archie characters tend to be edgier… But honestly, what were the writers thinking? In the original comics, Ms. Grundy was a strict old crone, who would never, ever take any erm… “special” interest in one of her students… But let’s just say we all know what Archie and Miss Grundy were doing at Sweetwater River the night Jason was shot, and they weren’t exactly baking cookies…

28 Archie And Mr. Lodge’s Weird Little Bromance

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Okay, let’s do a little role play here, shall we? You’re a high school kid. You’ve started dating this girl. One problem. Daddy’s a Mafioso. You’re recruited by a government agent to take him down. Then you abruptly decide to protect him when it hits the fan. The whole thing turns out to be an elaborate test to prove your loyalty. You… Totally swear fealty to the dude, and support him even against your own father who you worship, no questions asked, right? Nope. Congratulations. You are a sane human being, unlike Riverdale High’s favorite redhead. Yep.

27 The Bughead Is A Lie

(Via: elle.com)

Now don’t get me wrong, I love Bughead, the pairing between Betty and Jughead as much as anyone. They’re adorable. Total endgame. But based on the comics, this pairing just doesn’t make sense. First of all, the original Archie comics revolved around the love triangle between Betty, Veronica, and Archie. The show has teased at this dynamic, but failed to deliver. Additionally, Jughead is canonically not interested in dating. What happened? I’m all for bold creative choices, but this pairing just feels like an odd one.

26 The Comics Were Not Even Remotely Edgy

(Via: thestar.com)
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I know that comparing Archie and Riverdale is an apples and oranges situation, but well… The fact that they really are that different is kind of my point. Archie comics are cutesie wholesome stories about almost saccharine all-American teens going about their daily lives.

Adaptation? What adaptation?

Riverdale is dark, edgy, and highly controversial. Don’t get me wrong. I kind of love that. I feel like it makes a bit of a statement, but, it shares so little with the actual source material, that calling it an adaptation hardly even makes sense

25 Clifford Blossom’s Will Is Conveniently Generous To His Enemies

(Via: sweetdollfromhell.tumblr.com)

Have you ever seen something so overly convenient on a TV show that you just face-palmed? This is one of them. Remember Clifford Blossom? Hates the Coopers? Offed his son? Not a nice dude. That is, until the powers of plot convenience compelled him to put a stipulation in his will that anybody in Riverdale able to prove Blossom genes would be entitled to a chunk of his fortune. This allows Betty to easily DNA test Chic right when she suspects him, but it makes no sense. Clifford hated the Coopers. Why would he leave them money?

24 Jughead Should Be Able To Go Live With His Mom And Jellybean

(Via: popbuzz.com)
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So I’m not saying it’s impossible that there’s a good reason for this that actually makes sense, but the writers sure are dragging their feet on providing one. It’s been two seasons, now, and it’s still a head-scratcher. Parents don’t usually choose to take one child and not the other. Even if Jughead wanted to stay with his dad, he obviously changed his mind when he left his dad and became homeless. Why not go live with his mom and Jellybean? At very least, it feels like they should have at least made an appearance by now, but apparently not.

23 Nobody Knew Jughead Was Homeless?

(Via: polygon.com)

Okay, so does CPS just not exist in the Riverdale universe? Seriously. Jughead was homeless for months, before anybody even found out. How does that make sense? He was in school, and out in the community that entire time. Even his best friends Archie and Betty didn’t have a clue.

What about the owner of the drive-in he was squatting in? Nobody put two and two together? I mean, I realize this actually happens in real life, and it’s really, really sad, but in this case, under these circumstances… It just feels believable.

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22 And While We’re On The Subject… How Was Jughead So Well-Kept

(Via: riverdale.wikia.com)
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Jughead had been living on his own in the drive-in for months before anybody found out. Yet, he had plenty of food, nice, clean clothes—Yes, that’s a suit—and seems to be well-groomed. How??? Not only is he homeless with no source of income, but how many seventeen-year-old kids can actually handle themselves that well without any support at all? Jughead’s situation would be difficult for even an adult to manage. Yet, he still attends school, has a pretty normal social life, and kept the whole thing a secret? Sorry, but I just don’t buy it.

21 Everyone Treats “The Blue And Gold” Like A Real Newspaper

(Via: metro.co.uk)

Many of Riverdale’s major plot points revolve around Jughead’s involvement with Riverdale High’s very own newspaper, “The Blue and Gold.” Whether it’s solving crimes, exposing corruption, or standing up to injustice, you can bet Jughead will be printing it up in “The Blue and Gold” for the whole town to read… Only, that’s not how high school papers work. Take it from somebody who was the editor of all of her high school papers back in the day. Nobody reads them, and in a real high school, most of the stuff Jughead publishes would never be allowed to run, anyway.

20 That Is Not How Phones Work

(Via: http://www.bravo.de)
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Honestly, I don’t even know how this one even made it out of the writer’s room. It’s just so ridiculous. So, whenever the Black Hood calls Betty, her phone plays the song, “Lollipop,” but he calls from a blocked number, and other blocked numbers don’t have this ringtone. It might be a good cinematic device, but it makes no sense. Who even set up the ringtone in the first place? I mean if The Black Hood did it, he would have gotten caught a lot sooner, after all, it’s not like the whole town has access to Betty’s cellphone…

19 Convenient Musicianship

(Via: eonline.com)

Okay, this is a common thing on teen dramas, but can we just take a moment here to talk about how every single member of this cast sings like Beyoncé? Like what? How? Even the characters whose roles in the story have nothing to do with music suddenly turn into fricking Neil Patrick Harris the second you stick them in front of a mic?

This Tests My Powers of Suspension of Disbelief

I’m sorry, but unless Riverdale High is secretly a performing arts school, the idea of this many professional-level singers in a single school is rather unbelievable.

18 Southside High Was Totally Cool With Open Gang Activity

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So, I’ll admit, I’ve never been to a school where gangs were all that prevalent, but still, it just seems really odd to me that the kids at Southside High are permitted to wear their Serpent and Ghoulie jackets out in the open like that. Not to mention that they clearly carry knives and other unsavory things. Nobody is even attempting to rein this in. I get that it’s meant to be a rough area, but schools are still usually pretty strict about that stuff.  Isn’t their job to try to steer these kids towards a better path?

17 Serpent Initiation

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There are some things about Serpent initiation that don’t make much sense, but the thing that most stands out is the fact that Jughead’s supposedly “most difficult” test is taking care of Hot Dog, the Serpent’s mascot dog.

11/10 Is Very Good Boy

First of all, excuse me, but according to the comics, Hot Dog is Jughead’s dog, and they were adorable together. But also, why is this a hazing thing? Hot Dog is great. I mean heck, I’d take him for free! Look at that picture. Jotdog is clearly the only ship that matters here.

16 Speaking Of… Have We Forgotten That Betty Is Supposed To Be Young

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Ok so speaking of the Serpents initiation rituals, can we… erm… Just talk about Betty’s? I mean, believe me, I would rather not think about it, but… That happened. Pole dancing… In a bar full of gangsters. She’s not quite grown-up.

So We're Just Pretending This Didn't Happen? Ok...

Her Mom was in the room. Everyone acted like her mom was the bad guy for trying to stop her, but um… What? Go home young lady, you aren't old enough for the establishment, let alone that.

15 And Don’t Even Get Me Started On The Unnecessary Fan Service

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If I had a nickel for every time we got unnecessary shirtlessness, a gratuitous or poorly timed love scene, or… Whatever the heck you call Betty’s little “Dark Betty” get up… Well, I could probably go buy Pop Tate’s myself. I mean jeez. I swear, screenwriters think that women are incapable of running around and fighting bad guys without high heels, and if Archie doesn’t flash his pecs around at least once every few episodes, well, we might just forget why he’s even on this show anymore. #Sorrynotsorry.

14 Hiram Lodge Is Way Too Financially Invested In Random Small Town

via reddit.com

Ah, a sneaky Mafioso businessman moves to a small town in the middle of nowhere, and sets up an intricate step-by-step plan, months in the making, throwing his wife’s reputation and his entire family’s safety on the line to take over the town and make a buck. Why, it’s a tale as old as time. Wait, you haven’t heard of this actually happening? Like ever? Well, that’s strange, me neither.

13 Veronica Switches Sides Way Too Easily

(Via: http://riverdale.wikia.com/)

Riverdale often pits members of the older and younger generations of the cast against each other, then flip that on its head and aligning the two generations towards a shared goal. Nowhere, however, is this more apparent than with Veronica and her parents. In the first season she hated her father and everything he stood for, then suddenly one day she turns around and decides she wants in on the family business for no particularly convincing reason? She may have changed her mind again, but her joining him at all just doesn’t really feel in character.

12 Baddies Choose Weak Weapons… Cuz… Reasons…

(Via: https://twitter.com/breathingchoni)
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Okay, so there are a few baddies that do carry actual guns, like The Black Hood, (sometimes). But can we talk about that time he showed up at Cheryl’s house with an axe of all things? I feel like maybe this was a The Shining reference, but he got defeated by a teenaged girl with a bow and arrow… Then again, same deal with The Serpents and Ghoulies. Switchblades, and baseball bats with nails? I mean I’m all for less gun violence on TV, but it seems like the heroes still have guns. Why are the villains so conveniently… under-armed?

11 That's Not How DNA Tests Work

(Via: digitalspy.com)

When Betty suspects that Chic isn’t really her brother, she takes matters into her own hands and steals a piece of his used dental floss and gets it tested thanks to the convenient Blossom inheritance thing I mentioned earlier. The results come back that he has zero Blossom blood, which leaves Betty feeling vindicated, until the pretty obvious revelation that Chic wasn’t Hal’s kid, meaning no Blossom DNA. But… I mean, I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure that test should have shown more than just whether he is a Blossom or not, and all it would have taken were the other half of those results compared against Betty’s to prove once and for all Chic isn’t Alice’s son.

10 What Exactly Do The Serpents Even Do?

(Via: http://riverdale.wikia.com)
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I mean, we know they don’t deal, and we know they’ve occasionally been known to help hire themselves out to criminals, or dispose of a spare body or two, but these feel like more the exception than the rule.

They’re Not Actually So Bad

The only thing we really know about their way of life is that they hang out together at the White Wyrm, and have a strong sense of camaraderie. What really makes them a gang? I feel like there needs to be an actual organized crime here, and I’m not actually seeing a whole lot of it.

9 Nobody Told Them They Were Cousins?

(Via: seenonceleb.com)

I mean, nobody wanted the union between Polly and Jason to happen, right? They knew these kids were going to school together — that they were in like the same class.

This Just Seems Plain Irresponsible

Did nobody think to warn them, “Oh hey, we don’t really talk about this, but that’s your cousin, so ...” Seriously, so much of the plot of season one could have probably been solved if people just shared this sort of important information with each other.

8 Has Nobody In This Town Heard Of A Background Check?

(Via: http://prettynerdythings.com)
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First, it was Ms. Grundy, then Mr. Phillips, and then even Mr. Sven to some extent. Does Riverdale take place in a parallel universe where background checks are just not a thing? Ms. Grundy’s relationship with Archie is implied to be part of a long-term pattern of relationships with students, Mr. Phillips is a highly wanted dealer, Mr. Sven was being manipulated by The Black Hood, and they all worked in local schools. And how much of the drama with Chic could have been avoided if they’d verified his identity somehow before letting him into the house? Just… Honestly.

7 Small Town, Dramatic Crime Rate

via reddit.com

Quaint little small towns like Riverdale are almost never the setting of major serial crimes, but I mean I can believe that lightning struck once. It’s statistically unlikely, but not unbelievable. But, jeez.

Welcome to Sparta?

I swear half of this town has just been waiting for the Jason Blossom thing as some sort of weird excuse to just go around offing each other and committing all sorts of atrocious crimes. It just feels so unrealistic. Small towns don’t typically have this much crime, and if they do, it’s usually pretty ordinary stuff, not serial homicide and mass conspiracies.

6 Man Gets Out Of Jail, Enacts Plan To Build Giant Prison

(Via: metro.co.uk)
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Okay, I will admit, the irony with this one is just delicious. So Hiram Lodge spent the majority of season one in prison for embezzlement. He finally gets out, and sets into motion an extremely elaborate plan to turn the south side of Riverdale into a giant for-profit… Prison. I don’t understand. Prison is a deeply unpleasant experience. Why would anybody who had been in one want to contribute to doing the same to others? Moreover, he continues to break laws and do shady business in the development of this little arrangement. Did he really think this through? I am all about the poetic justice of him ending up in his own prison, though. Season three, anyone?

5 How Is Archie This Dumb?

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Okay, Archie, in all of his iterations has been… Well, a bit of a doof, but Riverdale well… Takes his less-than-glaring intelligence and runs with it. Seriously, it is just one absurd decision after another with this guy. Whether it’s being with his TEACHER, or that time he started the most horrifying neighborhood watch program known to man… Or shall we discuss the time he just casually turns on his father and to some extent his girlfriend for a guy who transparently manipulates him at every turn? This guy is just too dumb for words.

4 Let’s All Meet At Pop Tate’s To Talk About That Body We Hid

(Via: alloy.com)

This seems to be a running thing. People on this show just casually talk about homicide and all sorts of other terribly incriminating things out in the open. The height of it though, was probably that time Betty and Alice Cooper, and Jughead and F.P. Jones got a booth at Pop’s and discussed how they hid the body of the guy Chic did away with, and whether they removed their fingerprints from the car. Like my gosh, people. You have houses for a reason. Use them! Do you want to get caught? Because that is exactly how you get caught.

3 How Does Mrs. Blossom Find Out About Cheryl And Toni

(Via: elle.com)

Mrs. Blossom cruelly sends Cheryl to a secret gay conversion camp almost immediately after the first hints of romance begin to bloom between Cheryl and Toni. I get that this happened under her roof, and she did know Cheryl showed signs before, but it was never really established that she overheard the brief conversation they had, and it’s not really clear how she jumped to such a dramatic response, so quickly, especially since the impression was given that she has been planning this ever since Claudius showed up, which was a while ago. The timing was just off here.

2 Dark Betty

(Via: pajiba.com)

What even is the deal with Dark Betty? She puts on a costume, romps around mostly just doing things that are a bit… adult… And she shows some signs of anxiety, and maybe some sadistic traits? I mean, I’m interested to see where they take this, but for the time being, it’s a bit all over the map. Also, I feel like by now they should have really addressed that time with Chuck in the hot tub when she called herself Polly?

That Time Mr. Lodge Arranged A “Couples Weekend” For A Bunch Of High Schoolers

via cw.com

In the comics, Mr. Lodge was known as a watchful, over-protective father figure, who could hardly bear to leave Archie and Veronica alone in a room together for two seconds…

And I mean, I’m not saying that’s fantastic parenting either, but honestly, it seems better than sending four teens to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, stocked with drinks for a “couple’s retreat”. I know that it was a ruse to keep Veronica out of town, but that doesn’t make it less weird that he actively suggested this.

1 Um, Moose bounced back fast?

(Via: http://ew.com)

Okay, so this was totally inevitable, and I’m so here for Koose… Mevin? Somebody needs to work on a ship name for those two stat. Anyway, Midge passed, it was pretty obvious that Kevin and Moose were finally going to become a thing, but the timing was super weird. I mean, they did wait a few episodes, but Kevin finds Moose sobbing in the bathroom, and not two seconds after Moose finished bawling out how much he misses Midge, they’re making out. They could have like talked for a minute first? Quick recovery, I guess? Yeah… Great ship. Weird timing.

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