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Sonic The Hedgehog Needs Pants

If sonic is going to live in the human world in all of his quippy, bipedal glory, the man is going to have to put some dang pants on.

Sonic, please: put pants on.

Nevermind the fact that any pair of pants would likely be made of fabric too weak to withstand his high-velocity legs. And even if the friction against his knees didn’t immediately cause them to catch fire, the friction against the air moving past denim (or cotton, or polyester, or whatever they’re made out of) would surely be enough to rip them from his lower torso in an instant. The guy needs to put on pants.

Why? Two reasons. First, he’s going to be in a movie soon and he’s gotta look presentable. And second, it’s because we’ve already seen what he looks like wearing a shirt and ballcap, and now the juxtaposition of such articles without accompanying pants is too much for me to bear.

First, we gotta talk about what Sonic looked like before his movie makeover. This is how he was first presented to us, and unfortunately, once that that little blue genie was let out of the bottle there was no putting it back in.

Original Sonic Design
via The Movie Database

For whatever reason, the movie’s producers thought that a hedgehog with shapely legs, a disturbingly expressionless face, and human-looking teeth would make a good representation of a cartoon hedgehog in a live-action movie. They were wrong. Shortly after the trailer debuted, the internet was raging over yet another beloved childhood hero brutally murdered on the crucible of Hollywood moviemaking.

Lucky for us, Paramount decided that the outcry was strong enough to go back to the drawing board and redo Sonic from the ground up. Debate continues as to whether or not they intended this fiasco the entire time as a sort of publicity stunt, but that’s not what we’re going to dive into today.

No. Instead, we have to talk about those legs. Much like the teeth, they look way too much like an actual person’s legs. And they don’t have any pants covering them. At all. This immediately leads the brain to inquire what’s between those legs, and frankly, that’s not something we ever want to see Hollywood take a stab at.

Sonic No Pants
via NME

Judging by the fact Sonic 1.0 looked like a horrific cross between a marionette and a Blue Man Group member having an awful hair day, we can only imagine something equally troubling. (Although, we should point out that a true representation of hedgehog anatomy would actually be closer to what we were initially presented with, as real hedgehogs are burrowing creatures and have to protect their delicate parts by keeping them mostly internal. You don’t want to get sand in there. Trust me.)

RELATED: Is The New Sonic Handsome? A Definitive Report

When Paramount came out with Sonic 2.0, things were different. Sonic went back to being his cuddly, cartoonish self, but despite having mere blue sticks with sneakers for legs, the fact that Sonic is constantly wearing anything BUT pants just makes it even more disturbing.

For example, the scene in the trailer where Sonic is wearing a cowboy hat and poncho (and absolutely nothing else) just seems more salacious than if he were entirely naked.

Sonic
via Paramount

Ditto the second scene in the trailer where he rushes out of the bathroom wearing a towel on his head and lower waist. Why does he feel the need to wear a towel on his lower half but not pants?

Sonic
via Paramount

Sonic plays fast and loose (pun intended) with his lack of lower garb, and that makes it all the worse when he arrives in the real world. In a regular, normal, decent society, people wear pants. If Sonic wants to get around in that same society, he should wear pants too.

NEXT: Sonic X Spins Onto Netflix Next Month

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