Back in the day, Ubisoft used to make this amazing stealth-action series called Splinter Cell. It featured tough-guy-with-a-heart-of-gold superspy Sam Fisher, expertly voiced by veteran live-action actor Michael Ironside. Ironside imbued Fisher with a sense of urgency, grit, experience, and, above all else, levity. Somehow, they managed to make this world-weary shadow of a man relatable and really dang funny sometimes.
In the early half of the franchise, Fisher provided some hilarious quick-witted retorts. His improvisational skills lend themselves to wordplay, not just stealth, apparently. Here’s a collection of some of the best quips he ever gave players (who are desperately waiting for a new Splinter Cell game, one that isn't VR).
9 Failing To Protect A Scientist Brings Out Sam’s Sarcasm
At the end of a mission set in Paris during the second game in the series, Pandora Tomorrow, sees Sam being given the choice to help a scientist out after he coughs up his cell phone to give to Fisher as evidence. If Sam “helps” the scientist by ushering him towards the pearly gates instead of dispatching the mercenaries prepping to do the same thing, the spy is chastised by his boss, Lambert.
Lambert: “He didn’t have to die.”
Fisher: “Fine, I won’t kill him next time.”
It’s dry and flippant, a reply befitting a grumpy middle-aged guy just trying to get a mission done. Players won’t normally see this exchange, as it’s technically failing an objective, but Sam has a way of making failure comical, even if he is threatened with a psych evaluation for the retort.
8 Sam Really Isn’t Into Hypocrisy
Not to be controversial, but more wars have been started in the name of religion than anything else, even oil. Sam Fisher, having seen his fair share of conflict, probably knows this.
Right at the top of the fourth mission in Pandora Tomorrow, Sam drops this gem:
Coen: “Welcome to Jerusalem, the birthplace of Christianity, Judaism and Islam.”
Sam Fisher: “So this is where all the peace and love came from.”
Even Coen, Sam’s field handler for the time, chuckles and smirks at the quip. It sets the tone for what turns out to be a rather difficult mission with tough stealth sections as Fisher chases after a canister full of a terrible bioweapon.
7 Sam Wouldn’t Mind Inhaling A Dangerous Nerve Agent (For Kicks)
At the end of the Jerusalem mission in Pandora Tomorrow, Sam has managed to track down a new dangerous chemical agent of biological warfare and secure the canister away from some terrorists. Nobody on his team knows exactly what is in the dang container, though. The spy, always hungry for knowledge, comes up with a plan to find out:
Lambert: Great work. Now, find out what’s in it.
Sam: I could open it…
Lambert: You could also play Russian Roulette with a clip-loaded pistol.
Sam: Where’s your sense of humor?
Sure, what Sam is holding in his hands could end civilization as we know it, but in situations like this, even during Rainbow Six operations, it seems that Fisher likes to keep things calm.
6 Sam Fisher Is Apparently A Terry Gilliam Fan
A major aspect of the Splinter Cell series is sneaking up on people, grabbing them from behind, and interrogating them for information before putting them to sleep, permanently or not. Sam loves to have fun with this aspect of the job, turning being a deadly predator into a fun little game. Kind of like what players would like from a new Splinter Cell.
Sometimes, though, Sam just references cult cinema. You know, to mix it up. After sneaking up on a guard during a mission in New York during Chaos Theory, Sam brings players this gem:
Sam: "Pretend I'm Harry Tuttle."
Guard: "Who?"
Sam: "I'm an ill-tempered, heavily-armed heating engineer asking about your ventilation system."
Who is Harry Tuttle? He's the character Robert DeNiro plays in Terry Gilliam’s controversial film, Brazil. This just seems like such an odd, deep cut for a guy like Fisher to make, which makes it that much more fun. Also, Tuttle kind of dresses like Fisher? Maybe Sam identifies with the maverick repairman who just wants to help people, eh?
5 Sam Really Is A Schoolyard Bully Sometimes
The final mission in Chaos Theory sees Sam infiltrating a secret underground base - as if there are any other kind - to stop a rogue Japanese admiral from launching some nukes. Standard world-ending stuff, we’ve all seen it before. No use fretting, though! Sam still finds time to make standard interrogations pop.
After grabbing a guard in the main control room and pressing for information, this happens:
Guard: “I don’t have any intelligence.”
Sam: “Heh, you just called yourself stupid.”
It’s a dumb dad joke, which makes sense, as Sam is indeed a father after all. It’s a silly little joke that brings big laughs to players, especially given the circumstances. Sam is nothing if not consistent. Consistently droll, that is! Let the man joke; he’s saved the world at least thrice.
4 Sam’s Cynicism Can Be Real Dang Clever
Norman Soth is a rogue CIA agent working with the antagonists of Pandora Tomorrow. He’s a major target throughout multiple missions before eventually meeting his demise during one of the series’ few actual boss fights.
During the opening cutscene of the Paris mission, Sam is looking over prep data for the infiltration. He sees Soth, his target, and shuts off the tablet he’s using. Coen, his handler, checks in on him. Right away, Sam, after seeing pictures of death and destruction, is on one:
Fisher: “The world is small, nasty, and complicated. Everybody dies alone.”
Coen: “Hm. What do you think of Norman Soth?”
Fisher: “Soth’s small, nasty, and complicated. How he dies is up to him.”
Ironically it winds up being up to Sam how Soth dies. Bullets work pretty well against even the smallest and nastiest of people.
3 Fisher Isn’t A British Spy
Something about the New York missions in Chaos Theory brings out Fisher’s art literacy. He’s making loads of references to pop culture, which usually isn’t his bag. He’s more of an off-the-cuff, threatening to kill you but in a funny way kinda guy. After encountering a wardrobe-obsessed executive, though, it seems Sam would rather talk movies than fashion:
Sam Fisher: “Nice suit. Italian?”
Displace Executive: “Yes! Andretti!”
Sam Fisher: “What?”
Displace Executive: “Andretti; famous designer: men's suits and tuxedos.”
Sam Fisher: “I'm not a tuxedo kind of guy.”
Displace Executive: “...are you a spy?”
Sam Fisher: “Yeah, the real kind, not the tuxedo kind. I'm the kind that makes you bleed all over your Andretti unless you give me information.”
While Daniel Craig’s Bond might bloody someone up, at the time, Pierce Brosnan was the most recent 00 agent. Suave, sophisticated, oddly tan: all things Sam Fisher is not. At least Bond is getting a game soon, unlike a certain someone else.
2 Sam’s Bloodlust Really Comes In Handy
In Chaos Theory, Sam takes a trip to Seoul to track down some arms dealers. Concurrently, some splinter cells in training are running an op on the opposite side of town. Sam tracks down a mutual target, however, and starts a co-interrogation with HQ connecting Sam to the trainees. Both need information from this guard, but he isn’t talking.
Sam, always quick on his feet, knows how to turn the screws even when people are in his ear trying to do it the prim and proper way:
Sam: "He's not answering. Should I kill him?"
Splinter Cell in Training: "Negative. Negative!"
Sam: "Alright. They say I should kill you so..."
The best part? It works. It works so well. The dude spills his guts immediately and is rewarded with a sweet nap on the cold ground afterward.
1 Sam’s Dating Life Is Out To Sea
During the final stretch of the first mission in Chaos Theory, Sam and his tech officer Anna Grimsdottir — who winds up being Fisher’s biggest ally as the series progresses — are chatting about intel. Grim realizes that weapons are being shipped on a boat called the Maria Narcissa, which winds up being the next mission in the game.
While this is all good for the mission and saving the world from evil arms dealers selling nukes to rogue admirals and all, Sam’s mind starts to drift a little bit onto...other topics:
Grimsdottir: “Maria Narcissa…”
Fisher: “You're not trying to set me up on another blind date, I hope.”
Grimsdottir: “The Maria Narcissa is a boat.”
Fisher: “So was the last girl you set me up with.”
Grimsdottir: “Fisher!”
Fisher: “Sorry…”
Never has a player laughed so hard at a quip. This quote has withstood the test of time as comedy gold. Fisher is such an ass sometimes, but players can help but love him, the affable rascal. This is how players should remember Fisher: funny and deadly, not as a microtransation.