Star Wars has been around since 1977 with the release of a little film you might have heard of, called Star Wars. It was an immediate success upon release, pulling in an estimated $1.5 million its opening weekend in the US, going on to earn over $775 million in its lifetime worldwide. It kick-started the boom in science fiction throughout the late 70’s and early 80’s, and created one of the biggest media empires in the world overnight.
A large part of that media empire, especially between the original and prequel trilogies, was the merchandise. If you can think of it, chances are good the Star Wars name was slapped on it at some point. Coasters, doilies, pinking shears; it was the Wild West. This was especially true of the Star Wars toy line, which originally fell to a then little-known company called Kenner. In a rush to capitalize on the film’s success, toys were rushed out immediately to mixed results, to say the least.
Eventually, the toys did get better, but that didn’t mean it was all moisture farming and… I don’t know, some other positive Star Wars reference. With the sheer volume of toys that were coming out around these films, it was inevitable that some of it wasn’t going to be of the highest quality. That’s how we ended up with the hilarious toys you’ll find on today’s list, toys that could never in a million years be made today. In fact, some of these toys shouldn’t have been made when they were, but we’ll get to that.
23 Galaxy Empire
Galaxy Empire is an action figure range blatantly ripping off Star Wars, and not very well. Made sometime in China, these badly made toys are roughly modeled after the original 1970s Kenner toys, with a few differences. They’re taller than the old Kenner models for a start, but that’s probably not the first thing you’d notice.
No, what’s more likely you’ll spot is the poor quality. Badly painted with splotches of paint everywhere and mismatching colors, and sculpting that makes these figures look melted means these figures should stay in a galaxy far, far away.
22 Rep. Been
Representative Been first appeared in The Phantom Menace, which should already tell you all you need to know about this figure. Later stories, like Star Wars Galaxy and Episode 1 Adventures, tried (for some reason) to flesh out this character more, but in the movie, he was just an extra who stood around at the Galactic Senate and didn’t do anything.
So while the figure itself isn’t badly made, the fact that he got his own toy at all is indicative of the problem Star Wars has always had: overexposure and overproduction. Plus he’s a Gungan, the same race as Jar Jar Binks, so he’s inherently awful.
21 Kallidahin Midwives
Speaking of the prequels, how would you like to get your hands on an action figure of a Kallidahin midwife from Revenge of the Sith? No? Well, too bad, because Lucas made them anyway. These… creatures acted as midwives to Padmé as she went into labor with her and Anakin’s son, Chewbacca Skysolo. That’s all there is to say about the Kallidahin Midwives in the films.
Not so of the figures though. An entire novel could be written about the cold, blank, unfeeling eyes of these lumps of plastic. The plain white face, the aforementioned dead eyes, the gangly arms and legs all give the figure a frightening presence. Not what you want from what is essentially supposed to be a doctor.
20 Star Tours Officer
Star Tours was a motion simulator ride at Disney Theme Parks from 1987 to 2016. It was a somewhat dull ride, but a lot of effort went into making it feel like a Star Wars experience, complete with voice lines from Anthony Daniels as C-3PO and Warrick Davis as Wicket. Part of the ride were the Star Tours Officers, who worked at the Star Tours travel agency.
In a move that showed how desperate LucasFilm was for merchandising, they actually released action figures of a random Star Tour Officer. If you didn’t what Star Tours was, then this was just a dude in a red shirt and blue jeans for all you knew.
19 Star Wars Transformers
In a mash-up straight from a body horror film, Hasbro combined two of their two icon toy properties: Star Wars and Transformers. It kind of makes sense, right? Both properties feature space travel (kind of) and alien creatures, a fight of good vs. evil. But how would it work?
Well, Hasbro figured they would make Star Wars characters transform into vehicles. Yes, that’s right. That’s how we ended up with Darth Vader transforming into the Death Star, Luke into an X-Wing, and Han Solo and Chewbacca both merging together to form the Millennium Falcon.
18 Uncle Owen & Aunt Beru
Who could forget Uncle Owen & Aunt Beru, characters so important that their nephew spent approximately five seconds mourning their demise? There’s nothing particularly remarkable about these characters, rather it’s their loss that makes them interesting.
They’re not even good figures. Owen’s been injecting far too much Botox into his face, but is super smug about it. Beru, on the other hand, is furious, and is desperately trying to get his attention to tell him just how angry she is. Also, like the Star Tours officer, if you didn’t know who she is, you wouldn’t have any idea she was a Star Wars character.
Here’s another fun character from The Phantom Menace that doesn’t really do anything. His (her?) name is Gragra, a street vender selling food in Mos Espa. If you don’t remember this character, that’s okay, we’ve all tried to forget the prequels as well. Also, he was barely in the film anyway. This is the guy who Jar Jar tried to steal food from, but the “food” bit back at him.
Why does this character deserve a toy all their own? Because, that’s why! So say hello to this beautiful figure holding some dead lizards and an ax. Or don’t say hello, because like the Kallidahin Midwife figure, this thing is absolutely frightening.
In the very first Star Wars movie, you may remember Luke sold his landspeeder to an alien with bagpipes on its head. This, one of the most iconic scenes in the film, obviously deserved to be immortalized in the form of an action figure. Enter Wioslea. You know, the Wioslea. She’s the alien that bought the landspeeder from Luke, and yes, that’s a she.
It’s not at all surprising that such a minor character would get a toy in the world of Star Wars, but come on. At least get the figure right! Wioslea is an ugly design for an alien, but they somehow made the figure even worse!
15 Santa C-3PO
In 2002, Hasbro released a holiday-themed C-3PO exclusively to American retailer Wal-Mart. The figure was of the iconic golden robot dressed up as Santa. It’s amazing to think that Santa Clause exists in the wonderful, space-exploring world of Star Wars! Or maybe this toy is just cheap tat.
The toy came with a cheap looking R2-D2 with antlers strapped to its face, for some reason. The whole thing came in a snow globe-shaped package, and a background image displaying the figures in the exact same pose as they came packaged. Merry Christmas, alright?!
14 Han Solo In A Trench Coat
Han Solo is unquestionably the second coolest character in Star Wars. How might he possibly take the #1 spot from his best frenemy Lando? By wearing a trench coat, of course!
Yes, this figure features a blob of plastic vaguely shaped like Harrison Ford in his classic Han Solo attire… and a trench coat. You know, at least the Santa Clause C-3PO has some kind of excuse for existing. It’s a holiday themed figure, fine. But this? It’s just a standard character wearing on extra piece of clothing. It doesn’t even look like a trench coat, just a badly cut piece of scrap cloth.
13 Wampas With Mysterious Yellow Stains
Collectors will spend big bucks on figures that were recalled for having mistakes. One unfortunate mistake came in 1997, as part of Kenner’s Luke Skywalker vs. Wampa set. The error came with the Wampas themselves, as many of them had a disgusting looking yellow stain circling their chest.
As you’d expect, the collector community refers to these figures as the “pee stain Wampas” and can fetch big bucks online. What the stain is or what caused it remains a mystery to this day. Maybe they had a little too much blue milk?
12 Willrow Hood - Professional Ice Cream Maker Carrier
Willrow Hood, a character perhaps cooler than Lando and Han combined, made his debut in The Empire Strikes Back. He can be seen in an orange jumpsuit running for his life after Lando warns Cloud City that the Empire had taken over. What makes this dude so cool is that, when warned that his life might possibly be in danger, he grabbed one thing before he fled: an ice cream maker.
Seriously, he can be seen holding a prop that looks exactly like an ice cream maker. And you have to give Kenner credit, the figure they made of him looks exactly the he did in the film.
11 Mr. Potato Head Star Wars
What hath science wrought upon us? What unspeakable horror has the human race committed that somebody deemed these to be the necessary torture devices? I don’t know, but we better get our acts together, and soon.
These things are Mr. Potato Heads with Star Wars clothes and accessories. This is strange, for three reasons. The first is a question of why—why do these exist? What preschoolers demanded they dress up a potato as Darth Vader? Second, why do they look so terrible? Thirdly, who knew they still even made Mr. Potato Heads?
10 Elan Sleazebaggano
Elan Sleazebaggano is quite possibly the worst character in all of Star Wars. His entire character is a walking anti-cigarettes commercial for children. Seriously. First, look at his name. Sleaze-bag-gano. Second, look at him in The Phantom Menace, where he tries to sell Obi-Wan “Death Sticks” that look an awful lot like cigarettes. Third, he’s a creepy dealer looking character too.
Okay, fine, what is ostensibly a kid’s movie not so subtly trying to tell kids not to smoke, fine. But why on Devaron would you make an action figure out of him? I’m getting some real mixed messages here, folks.
9 Angry Birds Star Wars Blind Bags
There was once a time when Angry Birds was the most popular game in the world. It came free with phones and tablets, it had a million spin-offs that everyone was playing, and still has a merchandise line to rival Star Wars. So of course the two properties would come together eventually, first with Angry Birds Star Wars The Game, and then with that sweet loot: blind bags.
As you can see, the designs are terrible. The Stormtrooper pigs have giant noses on their helmets, one of them has a Mohawk for some reason. Boba Fett even has a nose sticking out of his helmet. Obi-Wan seems to just be a crow, and Luke has French fries on his head.
8 Happy Meal Decapitated Star Wars Characters
Happy Meal toys are rarely good, but that never mattered. The fact that you were getting a free toy with your already free food (since you’re a kid) was great. As you’d expect, Star Wars Happy Meals toys are a dime-a-dozen, but it’s these Clone Wars bobble heads released in 2008 that take the McPizza.
I’m not a toy designer, but I’m pretty sure kids don’t want toys that feature their favorite characters decapitated heads glued onto various ships throughout Star Wars cannon. I’d figure kids would want their favorite heroes and villains alive, and preferably not with giant heads anyway.
7 Sarlacc Pit Plushy
As recently as 2017, Star Wars was getting hilariously awful toys. Take the Sarlacc Pit Plush, released as an exclusive “collectible” at the Star Wars Celebration in Orlando, Florida. This literal monstrosity is a plushy circular brown pillow with a hole in the middle of it with teeth and tentacles. And a tongue.
The tentacles are holding onto a plush, cutesy version of Boba Fett, so you can relive this nightmare creature eating somebody every day. This thing has to be a joke, right?
6 Punching Bags
Here’s a strange one for a child’s toy: punching bags. Released fairly early on in the life of Star Wars in the late 1970’s, Kenner produced inflatable punching bags for four characters, and then did so again for The Phantom Menace and Revenge of the Sith. I guess kids really want to punch Chewbacca and R2-D2 in the face?
The strange thing is that these toys are for ages 2 and up. Why were they making and selling punching bags to 2 year olds? Shouldn’t they be sitting around drinking juice boxes, not training to take on Clubber Lang?
It’s impossible to say what E3PO is. Well, it’s obviously some kind of ugly mutation of C-3PO and ET that gets more frightening the more you look at it. But can any of us truly say what this is, or why it exists in the first place? Again, it’s obviously some bootleg rip-off, but why?
The most bizarre part of this toy is that the picture on the packaging actually looks better than the figure itself. It’s a badly photoshopped image of ET’s head on C-3PO’s body, but at least those two things were designed by somebody with talent. The actual figure looks like somebody stuck a meatball on a deformed Keebler elf.
4 Ponda Baba - Walrus Man
Ponda Baba is a somewhat infamous character, best known for his early appearance in A New Hope where he picks a fight with Luke in the Cantina. He’s made a few other appearances in comics and books, and a completely unnecessary cameo in Rogue One, but everyone will remember old Baba for having a face that looks a lot like a butt.
Kenner decided to go in a different direction with their figure though. They instead decided to make Baba look like a walrus. They also made him green for some reason, even though he’s more of a grayish color. Still, it’s hard to get past that ridiculous face, isn’t it?
3 Luke Skywalker - Moisture Farmer
Luke Skywalker is a heroic guy, and while the best Star Wars movie ever (The Last Jedi) showed him at his most heroic, there’s one aspect of his life that truly incredible. While he was being technically not an orphan and living with Owen and Beru, Luke was doing his day job—moisture farming.
It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do. Apparently, someone’s also got to make a toy out of this illustrious career path too. Hey kids, tired of having Luke fight Stormtroopers and the Sith? Why not have some fun with… whatever this thing is supposed to do!
2 George Lucas Family Pack
There’s never been another laughable and bizarre toy set than this. It's equal parts sad and disgusting, a testament to how out of hand the Star Wars toy line got at one point. This is the Lucas Family Pack, featuring four toys that may look familiar. That’s because this is literally George Lucas and his family, dressed up as Star Wars characters.
Lucas is Baron Papanoida, his wife is Terr Taneel, his son as Zett Jukassa, and daughter as Chi Eekway. Imagine if the creator of Men in Black, or Kevin Feige from Marvel not only created action figures of themselves, but also created in-universe characters for them, then dragged their families in too, and actually sold them. Ridiculous.
1 Tauntaun With “Open Belly Rescue”
We come from the funniest toy to the most disgusting. Remember that scene in The Empire Strikes Back when Han ripped open the belly of that tauntaun to keep Luke warm? Well, somebody, somewhere, thought it would be a good idea to immortalize that lovely scene in the form of a toy.
Introducing the Tauntaun action figure with “open belly rescue” action. Yes, that’s actually what they called it. You can actually rip open the stomach of this beast (presumably killing it) and shove just about anything you want in there. Like a better toy, for example.