Remember when Joel’s head was turned into mush at the start of The Last of Us Part 2? Abby hit a hole in one right into the dude’s cranium as thousands of gamer boys watched on in horror, powerless to the stop of the death of their favourite sad dad. We were witnessing the death of gaming’s favourite straight white male character, a demographic which is becoming increasingly uncommon across the medium as diversity makes its mark.
There was welcome outrage, with thousands taking to the internet and protesting the fact that their post-apocalyptic adventure was being hijacked by a lesbian and her bisexual partner on a chaotic revenge tour across the streets of Seattle. Girls holding hands, kissing, and placing an emotional burden on one another that requires them to be vulnerable and honest? You don’t see any of that worthwhile development in straight white male characters - and that’s why they’re so good! Be a ludonarrative dissonant murderer like Nathan Drake instead.
Joel’s untimely passing was just the start, ushering in the beginning of an agenda that has spread throughout the industry with diverse heroes and progressive politics infesting our virtual worlds like they are actually intended to reflect our own society in a compelling and somewhat realistic way. We can’t have any of that. Games should be all about burly emotionless men and violence, ripped of any narrative meaning because who wants to actually engage with the art they consume am I right? Just gimme content I can consume!
Remember when heroes like Desmond Miles, Nathan Hale, Cole McGrath, Marcus Fenix, and whoever the guy from Spec Ops: The Line was called were all the rage? Those were the days, when all we had to worry about was shooting, stabbing, and electrocuting people without any apparent consequences. Well maybe not that last example, but personally I think they were trying to force their political messaging in that one a little too hard. I want them straight, I want them male, and I want them to be emotionally attached to their fellow characters on a strictly professional level. Anything more than that will make me think too much and to be honest I’m still scared of women. Never forget what they did to Aloy.
I swear each and every time a new blockbuster is announced my precious straight white men are cast aside in favour of a female character or person of colour, upping diversity quotas while providing my weekly right-leaning podcast some new material before it fades into irrelevance. I love to moan about the death of games and the media surrounding it, but I’d sure be running out of things to talk about if they started acting like I constantly picture them in my head. Maybe one day gaming will reach its ultimate form, and we can all be happy. Well, all the people like me - who cares about anyone else am I right?
Remember my warning when Nathan Drake is trampled to death by an elephant in Uncharted 5: Drake’s Downfall to make way for his woke pansexual daughter’s rise to power. Remember that I predicted the erasure of straight white male protagonists in video games all those years ago. Remember that the end is nigh, and the gamer boys will be the first up against the wall.