While it isn’t too original to say Mario games aren’t very true to reality, their displays of how functional relationships work - both platonic and romantic - can be even less realistic. This couldn’t be truer of any relationship than Mario and Princess Peach, who’ve been everything from platforming friends to gaming’s first couple throughout Nintendo’s history.
Their bond is far from a clean one, though, and there’s a surprising amount of points they’ve treated each other worse than any friend or partner should. Here are just a few of the cruel or unpleasant things Peach and Mario have done to each other.
10 Mario: Declaring his love for Peach within minutes of rescuing her
One of Mario’s worst decisions happens right at the end of Super Mario Odyssey. After traveling the world to take down Bowser and save Peach from a forced marriage, a defeated Bowser offers one last bouquet to Peach. Seeing this, Mario immediately imitates him and desperately offers a flower for Peach’s love.
Is this what she deserves within minutes of being rescued? No! And she justifiably walks away from both of them in response to this embarrassing act. Mario’s allowed to have feelings on Princess Peach, but you’d think Nintendo’s main hero could wait at least a few minutes before acting on them.
9 Peach: Nearly abandoning Mario on the moon
In Mario’s defense, he perhaps wasn’t the only person who acted poorly on the moon at the end of Odyssey. Peach’s response to Mario and Bowser acting like lovesick children is to immediately take Mario’s flying balloon and fly back to Earth, nearly abandoning Mario in the vast reaches of space.
Peach is definitely in the right, but this is definitely not a proportionate response. She deserves to take some space from him, and maybe unfriend him on Facebook for a bit, but leaving him off-world is a tad extreme for a relatively polite declaration of love.
8 Mario: Frequently getting distracted while rescuing Peach
Mario has a lot on his shoulder, but it’s obvious his priorities aren’t always in check. This is especially true in Super Mario Sunshine, where he’s extremely distracted by blooper races, coin collecting opportunities, and races with a masked stranger. He has everything he needs to rescue her at any point. Instead, he just travels around Isle Delfino while she bakes in a hot tub with her kidnappers.
He obviously can’t ignore his court-appointed community service sentence to clean the island, but are the problems of the island as urgent as a kidnapped loved one? According to Mario, he needs to run around a theme park and fix a Yoshi-Go-Round first.
7 Peach: Putting the safety of several lost Toads before Mario
Unfortunately, Mario isn’t the only one who gets distracted. Peach's solo adventure in Super Princess Peach is full of poor priorities, as Peach feels the need to rescue every single Toad in the world before coming for Mario. Beating this game requires a massive amount of hunting through old levels, out of royal responsibility rather than practicality.
These Toads are certainly lost and need help, but Mario is absolutely the more pressing victim, being held by Bowser in his fortress. These Toads can wait, and they’re certainly more disposable than the one and only Mario.
6 Mario: Getting behind Peach in the glass pipe
Yes, it’s funny to joke about the screencap of Mario looking astonished behind Peach’s skirt in the Super Mario 3D World opening. But do you remember why he’s behind her in the first place? It’s because Peach bravely dives after the kidnapped Sprixie Princess immediately, while Mario hesitates and mainly goes in to follow Peach.
For Mario, Nintendo’s golden hero, this is not the type of courage we expect to see. In every other game, he comes across as a brave hero who’s ready to protect the weak at a moment's notice. But in this crisis, all he really gave us was an unfortunate screenshot.
5 Peach: Saying nothing when first seeing Shadow Mario
With all the regular threats to her kingdom and safety, you’d think Peach would be a strong advocate for the expression “if you see something, say something.” While she shouldn’t be expected to be on guard at all times on vacation, Peach witnesses the obviously suspicious Shadow Mario right at the start of Super Mario Sunshine but refuses to say a thing to Toadsworth or Mario.
It’s clear when they reach the landing strip covered in goop that there is something amiss with Isle Delfino, but instead of pointing out the mysterious man she sees in photographs and on the strip, she stares blankly while waiting for Mario and the Toads to handle things. She doesn’t have to take action, but telling someone about a potential threat should be an obvious action for her.
4 Mario: Wasting a magical wish on saving Bowser
In perhaps one of the weirdest endings for a Mario game, Paper Mario: Sticker Star ends with Mario having powers equivalent to that of a god, in the form of Royal Stickers that would allow him to make any wish come true. During this scene, Peach laments about how this much power could cause so much trouble, and how thankful she was that peace would come.
Then, Mario simply wishes for Bowser, his tyrannous nemesis, to recover from their earlier fight. Not to be captured, or reformed, just simply saved, as he immediately tries to steal the Sticker Star once the festival comes around again. Bowser doesn’t have to be obliterated from existence, but it feels like Mario totally ignores Peach asking for peace and there’s so much more he could have done with this wish.
3 Peach: Attempting to take full credit for her friends' work
It’s easy to forget that Peach is royalty since she hangs out with plumbers on a regular basis, but that doesn’t stop her from waving her privilege in people’s faces from time to time. The introduction to Mario Party 2 has the worst example of this when her friends are arguing what to call the theme park they’ve worked to build together.
“It’s just like a princess to solve a problem,” she proclaims, just before she proposes the name to be Peach Land. Her wealth and fame doesn’t give her the right to take credit for her work, as an artist who’s had their artwork stolen by celebrities could tell you, and her friends rightfully fall to the floor in disappointment at her declaration.
2 Mario: Failing to prevent property damage & putting spectators in danger at Peach's tennis tournament
A true hero should enter a crisis prepared to protect. When Wario, Waluigi, and Bowser crash the tennis tournament that Peach is hosting at the start of Mario: Power Tennis, you would think Mario would be prepared with his tennis skills to knock these bombs carefully to protect the stadium and civilians.
Instead, both he and Luigi flail their rackets and knockback bombs wherever they feel, causing ridiculous property damage to the stadium and risk to civilians before finally stopping the destruction with a well-timed hit to a Bullet Bill. Peach needed someone to do damage control, but instead, she got a tennis star with a surprisingly terrible aim.
1 Peach: Putting herself in danger by aimlessly wandering through the desert
Partway through Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga, Mario is required to escort Peach through the dangerous desert to keep her safe until their destination. While this could potentially be an easy trip where she could follow her capable and heroic friends, she royally walks wherever she chooses and expects to be followed.
This level can be painful and time-consuming, as she walks slowly and can get kidnapped at just a touch. Peach is a political target and defenseless in this game, and while she’s still the victim in these kidnappings she could absolutely have made things easier for Mario (and his equally supportive brother) by just following him instead.