With a new Super Smash Bros. out in the wild, it’s time for rankings!

No wait, I didn’t mean rankings as in “tiers” and “fighters power”. I have absolutely no authority in that department. I must have played thousands of hours since the first one was released on N64, and I have plateaued at a skill level most would describe as “serviceable”. I can’t wavedash, I can’t juggle, I can’t compete in a tournament. What I can do, however, is look at all the characters available, and judge them superficially according to their looks.

Sure, Smash is a game where competitive gamers battle it out fiercely while pretending it’s all for fun, but more importantly, it’s a game of fan service. The fighters’ default outfits, as well as their alternate costumes, are a big part of that. Every player has a favourite; for example, I am still extremely unhappy that they took out Black Yoshi. The different characters, more often than not, stack their alternate outfits with simple recolors of their default selves. That’s why it’s important to underline whenever the developers have made an effort to make some of the alternates stand out.

This list will mix in the good with the bad. I have looked at every single alternate costumes available in the game, and it’s with great pain that I was finally able to decide which ones were the best, and which ones were a miss. You probably won’t agree with any of it, because that’s the nature of the internet. But hey, that’s why comments sections were invented!

25 BEST: Lucha Libre Pikachu

via comicsbeat.com

I am a huge wrestling fan, and whenever someone reps my nerdy hobby, I get all giddy inside. Mexican wrestling, or Lucha Libre, has a long tradition of high-flying athletes in masks, and Pikachu is a perfect representative with his Quick Attack, his high jump, and his electric persona. Plus, I love how it implies that Pikachu wishes to stay anonymous and hide his identity, as if we wouldn’t know who the yellow mouse with the thunderbolt sticking out of his butt is supposed to be. It’s both naive and cute.

24 BEST: Felt Yoshi

via deviantart.com (zacmariozero)

This one is bittersweet; as noted before, Black Yoshi used to be my favourite, and Felt (or Crafted) Yoshi has now taken its place. I would have gone for Woolly Yoshi myself, but I understand that they have to advertise the upcoming game. The felt texture is still awesome, and looks as cuddly as anything you’ve ever seen. It makes you wish for a felt version of a Yoshi amiibo, as they did with the woolly version when it came out a few years ago.

23 LAME: Mario USA

via gamebanana_com

The costume’s placement on this list is not about the print on the suit; it’s about anyone wearing a country’s flag as clothing. It’s tacky.

With the mustache on top, it makes Mario look like any barbecuing dad at a tailgate party on the 4th of July.

It might have made sense when the outfit was introduced in NES Open Tournament; Golfers are not exactly known as snappy dressers. That game is almost 30 years old by now, however, and that should have been more than enough time for Mario to figure out a new outfit.

22 BEST: Wedding Mario

via aminoapps_com

Wedding Mario has to be the classiest outfit in the whole game, closely followed by “Before Labor Day” Marth and “All Gold Everything” Peach. Mario still wins the top spot from that trio because of the top hat. It’s a bulky accessory, but it doesn’t even move at all no matter how much Mario is getting his butt kicked. There’s something about fighting in an all-white outfit that screams confidence. These kinds of suits stain easily, and Mario is showing that either he believes no one can touch him, or that he doesn’t care how much his dry cleaning bill costs.

21 LAME: Waluigi Luigi/Waluigi Mario

via imgur.com

How long have fans been asking for Waluigi now? It just feels like Nintendo is taunting us. First the poor guy is only an assist trophy despite a massive campaign on the internet, and then they make him “playable” by giving Luigi and Mario access to his wardrobe.

They’ll let the lanky purple wonder play just about any sport on the planet, but they won’t let him fight for his honor.

Just give us the real Waluigi already. Playing with our hearts is just cruel.

20 BEST: White-Haired Bayonetta

via knowyourmeme.com

Wearing her Jeanne-coloured outfit, Bayonetta looks like a completely different person. Not only does it make her look a bit more experienced, it also makes old farts like me with greying hair believe that we may have a chance at looking attractive once the entire head has turned white. I’m still not a fan of Bayonetta and her twitchy gameplay, but she’s definitely making the white hair look cool, just so that we can all be cool by proxy. Maybe next time around, Jeanne can be a full-fledged echo fighter?

19 BEST: Bowser Jr. / Lemmy Koopa

via ssbwiki.com

From his yellow Clown Car to his unorthodox look, Lemmy Koopa once again stands out from the pack. Lemmy has always been the best Koopaling, with the rainbow hair and the cross-eyed look and those unpredictable balloons he would throw at you in Super Mario Bros. 3. He’s crazy. He’s mad. He’s like the Macho Man Randy Savage. When you compare him to his more regular siblings, such as the blue-haired Ludwig or someone like Roy, whose only calling card is that he’s wearing sunglasses, you can see that Lemmy is the real star of the show.

18 LAME: Pink-haired Bowser

via gamesradar.com

I could have given this to all of Bowser’s outfits, really, but there’s one which is an even worse offender than the rest: Pink-haired Bowser. This is almost identical to his default costume, except that the hair is slightly paler and brighter. Everything else is the same! I’m not even putting this costume on the list because it’s lazy.

I’m putting it here because it’s confusing and frustrating.

If you play with a bunch of aggravating people like I do, you’ll end up with many Bowsers on screen, and you’ll wish that there’s was a better way to tell them apart.

17 BEST: Dalmatian Duck Hunt Dog

via ssbwiki.com

Dalmatians are not even my favorite breed of dog, but even I have to admit that they are the most iconic looking dogs in the world. They kinda look like very thin cows. They’re so awesome that fire fighters decided to go with dalmatians to represent their entire professions. And Cruella wouldn’t have tried to make a dalmatian coat unless it looked really, really good. So Duck Hunt might be a difficult character to master, but he’s already an elite when it comes to looking sharp.

16 LAME: Oven Mitts Pac-Man

via serebii.net

Pac-Man will always be yellow, so there’s only so much you can do to make the alternate costumes stand out. Most of Pac-Man's outfits are just different colors of gloves and boots… except for one, which gives him a plaid pattern that makes it look like he’s wearing loafers and oven mitts. While his other looks can at least pass for boxing gloves, being slapped by an over mitt can’t be all that painful. Did they really run out of colors past the seventh one? It wouldn’t have landed Pac-Man on the best-dressed list, but it would have gotten him out of the “lame” one.

15 BEST: “Four Non Blondes” Hat Jigglypuff

via gamebanana.com

There’s probably a better, Pokémon anime-related reason to explain this costume, but I prefer my own explanation. Jigglypuff’s alternate costume with the hat and goggles immediately makes me think of Linda Perry’s iconic look in Four Non Blondes’s “What’s Up” video.

In my mind, the Smash development team is a big fan of mid-90s radio-friendly rock.

Ms. Perry tried to start a trend, it didn’t work, but Jigglypuff recognizes courage and innovation. The pink Pokémon is even a world-renowned singer, so you know it makes sense.

14 BEST: Black & White King Dedede

via ssbwiki.com

This costume is a great homage to King Dedede’s Game Boy origins in Kirby’s Dream Land. This black and white outfit is also mirrored with one of Kirby’s alternate costume. The problem is that Kirby is already monochromatic by definition, so it doesn’t translate well. Instead of looking like “vintage Kirby”, he just looks like “pale Kirby”. Dedede, on the other hand, looks like he jumped straight out of Kirby’s Dream Land’s tiny screen into the 3D world. It’s always a good idea to remember where you come from.

13 LAME: All Of Cloud’s Alternate Outfits

via ssbwiki.com

I think the poor guy might be going through a phase. Cloud and his suits make him look like any goth kid you would meet in high school. They simply refuse to wear anything other than black, dark grey, or dark blue. Sometimes his sleeves are short, sometimes they’re long. What a difference! It’s even lazier than those who simply go with the exact same outfit in different colors. At least you can tell the difference between colours if you squint hard enough. A Smash game with more than one Cloud is a nightmare made of dark outfits.

via usgamer.net

If people were afraid that Link would lose his iconic look to focus on his Breath of the Wild makeover, the Tunic of the Wild alternate costume is the perfect combo. It combines the classic color scheme that we have come to associate with Link since the NES days with the updated look of the Breath of the Wild armor set. The result is a costume which reps the series’ tradition as well as its incredible evolution from the latest game. It’s truly the best of both worlds.

11 LAME: Brown Mega Man

via sonic.wikia.com

Apparently, this is the outfit Mega Man dons when he acquires the Metal Blade weapon. How unfortunate. The brown and yellow mix of this outfit is very potty-like.

The metallic finish makes it look like Dr. Light just shined up a 'Korrok" and gave it a hand cannon.

Literally any other Mega Man outfit is better than this one. I’m sure some apologists of this crime against fashion are going to argue that it is bronze and not brown, but even then, people should know that bronze is never better than third place anyway.

10 BEST: Fusion Suit Samus

via nintendolife.com

The Fusion Suit might not be Samus’ most well-known look, but it’s definitely her best one. The blue contrasts with the yellow in a way that orange and red don’t, and the armor looks ever-so-slightly sleeker because of it. Plus, while everybody is raving about Super Metroid, Metroid Fusion was probably the only 2D game to come anywhere close to the SNES game’s genius. The default look isn’t bad, but it’s too close to looking like Ronald McDonald to be as good as the superb Fusion Suit.

9 LAME: Mr. Game & Watch

via ssbwiki.com

It’s true that there’s not much you can do with Mr. Game and Watch because, well, he’s just an outline filled with a solid color.

Couldn’t they slightly alter his sprite to pay homage to other Game & Watch titles?

They’ve managed to do it for his different attacks, so why not give him those outfits for the whole game? If you give each sprite a different color (a red firefighter costume, a blue chef costume, etc.), then you would have a perfect Mr. Game & Watch for every occasion.

8 BEST: Beach Party Shulk

via nintendolife.com

A normal person heading into a fight would probably put on the biggest suit of armor they can find, but not Shulk. Shulk is on vacation, and he’s got his swimsuit on, and he thinks that it’s perfect for someone who’s about to break a sweat. It looks confident, brash, and just a bit arrogant. It’s perfect to send a message to your opponents. The only problem? Those weird Crocs that he’s wearing look completely uncomfortable. But hey, if he’s able to break some faces while wearing these, he deserves all the respect in the world.

7 LAME: Bad-Hair Day “Spiky-Eared” Pichu

via imgur.com

I get it, it’s from Arceus and the Jewel of Life, but it’s also incredibly similar to the original Pichu outfit. If both of those are in the same fight, good luck trying to figure out, in the middle of all these lightning bolts and flashing colors, which Pichu has the single ear with three tiny spikes on it. The rest of the costumes are weird (is that a pair of underwear on the head of one of the Pichus?), but at least they are recognizable.

6 BEST: Leopard Print Snake

via destructoid.com

For a man who is supposed to be an incredible spy and whose ability to blend in is second to none, Snake is certainly a guy with a peculiar fashion sense. I’ve always been a fan of zebra prints myself, but leopard prints is just obnoxious enough to straddle the line between cheesy and cool. This Snake obviously favors look over stealth, but his suit is audacious while also being retro. He would look at home in any 70s discotheque.