It is now the greatest time to be alive if you are a fan of comic books and movies. We currently have the two titans of comic books, Marvel and DC duking it out at the box office for who has the biggest cinematic universe. We have huge tent pole movies every few months, and despite a few missteps, the movies are generally considered pretty good. This is incredibly impressive considering the source material is comic books, one of the stupidest creations on the face of the earth. Don’t get me wrong, I have read thousands of comic books in my time, and despite being so immersed in their melodrama, I can safely say that they are inherently moronic. My favorite comic book hero is Batman, and that’s the premise of a man dressed like a giant bat. And that is the person we are rooting for and not having committed to a mental institution.
All of comic books have huge flaws, because you need to severely suspend your disbelief in order to believe in superpowers. And that lack of logic makes for hilarious comics. After all these decades of comic book shenanigans, we have created huge blind spots for ourselves, but when we actually scrutinize comic books, we can see that nothing about them makes sense. So with the spirit of poking holes in the things we love, I present to you some comics that point out the flawed logic of superheroes.
23 The Mightiest Of Animals
Captain America’s iconic shield is only so wide, so in order for him to protect all of his important bits (mainly keeping blood inside his body), he needs to make his body as small as the shield. It’s a totally practical thing, and it just so happens to look hilarious. Nobody wants to see a grown man hunch down like a kid playing hide and seek.
Imagine seeing this in real life?
Like, you’re being terrorized by the Chitauri and in pops Captain America to save the day. And then you see him, the First Avenger, tuck into a little blue ball behind his cute little Frisbee. That would kind of fill you with dread, wouldn’t it? If one of your key powers is just kind of hiding until all danger passes? And not even stealth hiding, like a ninja, it’s just hiding right in the middle of the room, with everyone looking right at you.
22 Superhero Perks
The comic offends my delicate sensibilities right off the bat. Sure, there are a lot of jokes about how poor Peter Parker is. You’ve never read a comic about Iron Man having to deliver pizzas to make ends meet, and lord only knows what Steve Rogers does to pay his bills. But Peter is never portrayed as dumb.
Peter is one of the smartest people on the planet.
This is a kid who invented his own web shooters. His ability to breeze through tests with minimal effort is actually a key staple as to why he is able to find the time to live multiple lives. If he had to study like the rest of us goofballs, he wouldn’t have the time necessary to punch a hole right through Mysterio’s stupid fishbowl face. The notion that Peter would need Tony Stark to throw his weight around to get out of a test flies in the face of everything we know about his own intelligence.
21 That's Not How The Law Works
I love the level of sass Matt Murdock is giving Captain America in this comic. You know he has a bunch of law and blindness puns tucked up his sleeve that he never gets to use to protect his secret identity. But when you are up against another hero, who already knows what your real name is, then you are free to bust out the big guns. And in this case, the big guns is backflipping out of being arrested, via a window exit.
And sure, that may not be the way an objection works, but you can’t just contain them inside a courtroom. He objected to being arrested, and wasn’t afraid to voice that objection. And it’s not like he stuck around long enough to hear Steve tell him that’s not how objections work, so it all worked out in the end. If you have the ability to flee into the night via a window, you are allowed to use as many single word catchphrases as you want.
20 The Power Of Food
No matter what the Joker does (not counting the time he gained the powers of Mxyplyzyk and ate everyone in China) he would never have the body count that obesity has claimed. While the obesity epidemic has started to slow down and even reverse in recent years, there is no denying the fact that fast food has contributed to people eating themselves into an early grave. And as the face of fast food, perhaps nobody has claimed more lives than McDonald’s.
The Clown with the highest body count.
Sure, Ronald McDonald is a mascot, and his paint can come off, but that doesn’t change the fact that his burgers have definitely claimed more lives than Pennywise and The Joker combined. And the heck of it is that we all agree that Pennywise and Joker are evil, weird clowns, but somehow Ronald McDonald is beloved by millions and will live on long after all of us.
19 Does Whatever A House Pet Can
I always thought the premise of Spider-Man being granted his fantastic powers via radioactive spider bite was patently ridiculous. That’s a series of events that are so easily recreated that the government would definitely have an army of Spider Folks. This isn’t a one-off, like the Fantastic Four being bombarded with cosmic rays, or even Bruce Banner absorbing so much gamma radiation he should have died. This is a spider biting someone and then scuttling off somewhere. Presumably, it will bite someone else.
I’ve always enjoyed the joke that radioactive other animals would grant you the useless powers of that animal. Imagine being bitten by a radioactive mosquito, or stung by a radioactive jellyfish? You’d be turned into a useless jerk. And nothing is more supremely useless than Mike Myers’ depiction of The Cat in the Hat. How many powers to cats even have? I wouldn’t exactly describe sleeping all day as a superpower.
18 What Could Go Wrong?
Can I be honest with you for a second? Just for a moment, I’m going to be a straight shooter. I love the whole see-through prison trope. I know it’s cliché at this point, and I don’t care. Hannibal’s cell was spooky as heck, and we were all super impressed when they revealed Magneto’s plastic prison. It’s just a cool way of letting you know that you are dealing with an extraordinary threat that demands a more than ordinary prison cell.
I also understand that the more you see of the villain, the better. Villains are the best part of any superhero movie, so you don’t want to hide even a single inch of them behind some common prison bars. If some standard prison cell stopped me from being able to see Loki’s bomb coat, I would walk out of that movie and instantly start protesting the whole film industry.
17 Social Media Figured It Out
Obviously, the joke has been made a thousand times of how dumb everyone in the DC universe must be since they can’t tell that Clark Kent is so obviously Superman. All he does is change his posture and take off his glasses, and that’s enough to get people to be totally clueless. Of course, the logic does check out, since Christopher Reeve hung out under a huge picture of Superman and regular passersby didn’t recognize him, which is a testament to how distracting having a huge, dumb “S” on your chest can be.
But with facial recognition software, how has nobody figured out his secret by now?
Not only is Lex Luthor a technological genius, but one of Superman’s key villains is Brainiac, who you’ll notice is a living, evil computer. If Facebook can tell who is in a photograph with you, you’d think a collector of worlds would have the appropriate software to tell the secret identity of Superman.
16 Who Wants A Hug?
Batman is a notoriously stoic person, being as stingy with his emotions as he is with his money (outside of paying for outlandish, bat-themed gadgetry.) It’s taken decades of him flirting with Selina Kyle for him to finally propose to her, and he has adopted multiple boys only to never call them son. He isn’t exactly the warmest person around, is what I’m saying. And that makes a hug from him the forbidden fruit.
We all want what we can’t have.
Batman has evolved over the years to become a borderline monster, a single focused nut who would rather beat a clown than ever show a valid human emotion. So when he finally does show emotion, it means so much more than when some emotional dumb-dumb like Superman shows it. Superman has gotten kryptonite poisoning multiple times from Batman, and he still wants that dang hug.
15 A Double Standard
I agree, confused Jackie Chan, this doesn’t make any sense. When you do something like save the entire planet, that should act as a literal get out of jail free card. Good behavior deserves being rewarded, and sometimes that reward is overlooking some past transgressions. But maybe things are simpler when a planet has one governing body instead of a bunch of countries that are always one bad decision away from blasting each other into extinction.
Due to the arbitrary borders we have here on Planet Earth, The Avengers need to be held accountable when they travel the globe and punch terrorists. All this despite the fact that they are the only group of people uniquely equipped with all the skills and powers needed to protect the earth from enormous threats. It just goes to show you that human beings will always find a way to ruin a good thing with mindless bureaucracy.
Batman is a lot of things, but none of them are a gracious loser. He’s one of the pettiest people I’ve ever read about, and it doesn’t help that he feels the need to make up for his lack of superpowers by being the most ruthless dude alive. So I totally expect him to do something so underhanded as to have liquid kryptonite injected into his bones in anticipation of Superman throwing him straight into the sun.
And when you are dealing with a version of Superman who is willing to end people, you have to assume that he is eventually going to throw you into the sun. I mean, the only reason Batman has ever won a fight against Superman is because Superman agreed to not instantly vaporize him with his laser vision. If your whole plan revolves around the mercy of your opponent, you might be out of your league in the fight.
13 It's A Family Thing
The Thor installments in the MCU have had a few things wrong with them, for sure. I love them, with each movie being better than the last, but I’m not above acknowledging that they are silly. It’s hard to not be silly when the whole premise revolves around protecting a floating perfect island in the sky that you can only get to by walking on a rainbow. But the one thing they definitely got right is the relationship between Thor and Loki.
There’s a genuine brotherly feel to their interactions.
Despite everything Loki has done, Thor still loves his brother dearly. That being said, he is also entirely sick of Loki’s century’s worth of deceptions, so he is prone to boiling over into legitimate rage. Which is probably the most relatable thing and family member has ever gone through. Although Loki is probably more annoying than most little brothers, being an attempted world conqueror and all.
12 A Weak Link
The problem with the concept of the Justice League is that there is a huge discrepancy between the power levels of the members. The Flash is really fast, which sucks as a power but he makes it work. Cyborg is the living internet, and I personally prefer when he’s on the Teen Titans. Wonder Woman is genuinely part god. Aquaman is Jason Mamoa, and outside of being super-powered, he’s the most gorgeous man alive. And then Batman shows up, and he, like, brings a tank, which anyone can drive. A gliding cape kind of loses its’ cool factor when half of your team can fly.
I have a question: why didn’t Batman just make another suit like the one he used to fight Superman? Why doesn’t he deal with all super problems while wearing that suit? So yeah, I think half of the reason that movie was the movie equivalent of the DMV is that they couldn’t figure out how to make Batman look cool on a team.
11 Who Needs A Backstory?
Tragic backstories are the bread and butter f any superhero comic. So much so that at this point, if someone had a decent childhood, they would be the outliers. Ever since Christopher Nolan decided to make a realistic version of Batman, comics have taken a decidedly darker and stupid turn. Now we have mopey versions of every character, instead of anyone ever having any fun.
Seriously, what does Superman even have to brood about?
Writers have become so preoccupied with having tortured characters they make characters become willfully ignorant of any good tidings in their lives. Batman is surrounded by people that love him, to the point where he has become a beloved father to many children, improving their lives, yet he can’t stop whining about watching his own parents get murdered. Peter Parker has one of the hottest girlfriends in all of comic books, plus Black Cat is always trying to get inside his spandex, but he’s always pining for a normal life. And then there’s Deadpool, who probably has it worse than most, and is genuinely one of the most fun and happy characters.
10 You Wouldn't Understand The Science
I’ve always wondered how exactly Captain America’s shield functions. If I recall correctly, it wasn’t made of pure vibranium but a mix of adamantium and vibranium, which might explain why it doesn’t have the exact properties of only vibranium. But still, how does it alternate between being able to stop bullets dead in their tracks and bouncing off walls at fantastic angles. It doesn’t even seem consistent in the films and the movies, with Cap not needing to put in a lot of force to protect himself behind the shield, while other times he can bounce bullets back, or he strains himself trying to stop Bucky’s punch.
What is up with that shield?
I’m sure a clever writer could come up with some sort of mumbo jumbo explanations, like Steve flicks his wrist a certain way to absorb the kinetic energy, and twirls his hand a different way to release it.
9 That's Always The Plan
As a person who has played lots of hours in the Batman Arkham series of video games, I am very familiar with the Batman back up plan of “punch everything.” Whenever the plan fails, which is often when I am the one in control, you can always rely on the fact that you have thighs as steel and you know a thousand ways to turn a man’s femur into gelatin. There’s hardly a scenario that Batman can’t just punch his way out of.
I also enjoyed this comic since it didn’t just rely on the single punchline to be funny, because it makes Flash look like a complete goober. And it calls attention to the fact that Wonder Woman’s outfit has actually been more functional in the past. Also, we all know that Batman would never keep his back up plan in a manila folder. That stupid stuff would totally be on the Batcomputer.
8 Goes Where He Isn't Needed
I always considered the character of Doctor Strange to be somewhat overpowered. He has the ability to stop time, reverse it, travel through dimensions and basically get through any situation with ease. He his film counterpart is ridiculously strong, easily tricking and manipulating Loki, who is a demigod. He has taken up the mantle of Earth’s Sorcerer Supreme, and is therefore wary of Thor bringing Loki to Earth, since the last time he did so, he launched an invasion, which almost decimated New York.
So where is he when an actual threat shows up?
How did he not think it was a big deal to try and stop Hela, who is literally an even more evil version of Loki. I get that he is new to this whole “protecting Earth” thing, but if you are going to be enough of a busybody to insert yourself into Thor’s affairs, you could at least help out fighting the main villain.
7 Puny God
I get that as a magical being, Doctor Strange has a natural advantage over clumsy oafs like The Hulk. There’s always been this unspoken rule that magical beings beat non-magical shmucks like you and me, like a mystical rock beating science-based scissors. But this isn’t some brute force villain we are talking about here; this is Loki, god of mischief. He’s formidable in hand-to-hand combat, has super strength and is a master of deception magic.
He survived falling off the Bifrost Bridge.
By Thor’s own admission, he has turned into a snake before, so he’s clearly no stranger to very complex magic. But for the sake of some cheap laughs, they make him seem like a clueless goof. I get that Doctor Strange is something of a magical savant, but Loki is just as talented. What should have been an intense battle between two magic geniuses just looked like Tom Hiddleston being bullied.
6 I Can't Hear You
The epic fight between Batman and Superman was the only redeeming quality of that awful film. Sure, it was resolved over both their mom’s having the same name, but that is half as stupid as why they started fighting in the first place. Lex Luthor has hidden the living half of the two Marthas, and he says that Superman has to end Batman or else. That’s pretty evil, and Batman hates evil, so all he would need to do is tell Bruce what’s up, right?
Easier said than done.
Despite having the ability to perpetually float out of arms reach, Clark thought it would be a good idea to try and talk sense into the man dressed as a bat from two inches away. Predictably, the man in love with grappling people grapples Clark, and they tussle about. So a lot of questionable decisions made that whole fight possible, so maybe the moral is that superheroes are idiots.
5 Nothing To See Here
The Marvel Cinematic Universe currently has 18 titles in its’ past, and for some reasons, the most powerful people on the planet continuously have to blend in with regular people. I can understand Tony Stark being so out of touch that he thinks the best way to blend in with everyday people is to dress like the Unabomber, because he’s been a genius billionaire since his childhood. But Steve, Bucky, and Sam all grew up normal lives, and they should know how conspicuous they look.
People with their hoods up instantly draw attention to themselves.
Honestly, every time I pass someone with a hood up, I assume they are trying to look inconspicuous, which is the most suspicious thing ever. Hollywood should start perpetuating the idea that the best way to blend in is not to look sketchy as heck and maybe just throw on a funny t-shirt and some nice fitting shorts.
4 A Simple Love
Hawkeye is the low hanging fruit for superhero jokes. He somehow thinks being really good at archery is a super power, and not like, a side skill that another actual hero might have. Lately, writers have tried to make Hawkeye a little more of a reasonable character, having him be the voice of reason in a room full of people who can punch a whole through the fabric of reality. As a regular Joe with a regular skill, he’ll be the first one to point out how stupid a scenario is.
And then he says stuff like this.
I mean, I definitely hate magic, since literally everything it does is a convenient plot device. So saying you hate magic is relatable. But hating logic? Only people who get caught being illogical say that kind of nonsense. What really sells this comic to me, though, is that fact that Hawkeye said “gosh” which makes him a huge dork.
3 An Unhealthy Obsession
There have been countless times when Batman was tempted to end The Joker. He has admitted to fantasizing about it multiple times, but he always manages to pull himself back at the last second. And this is commendable, in its’ own way, that Batman doesn’t break his policy on not ending people. But there are also a lot of instances where it’s clear that Batman has a very weird attachment to The Joker.
He has saved The Joker’s life on multiple occasions, which is distinctly different from not ending him. There was a point where Joker was on death row, completely within the legal system, and Batman set about proving that he was framed for the crime. This flies in the face of the fact that Joker has gotten away with countless other crimes without being properly punished, so him being put in an electric chair over one false crime is kind life’s way of balancing things out.
2 Please Stop
I always found it kind of difficult to watch Captain America try to square off with Ultron. Ultron is like two stories tall and made of an unbreakable metal, while Cap is an incredible athletic octogenarian with a neat Frisbee. I get that he can’t just roll over and let Ultron win, but maybe the scriptwriter should have avoided having those two fight at all. Steve had trouble fighting off an amputee; he’s not going to stack up on a perfect aggressive robot.
He even loses his shield in the fight.
The only real superhero thing about him is the unbreakable shield, so without that, he’s really just trying to punch a robot. Which is stupid. He should have broken all of the bone sin his hand multiple times in that fight, and Ultron could just scan the internet for every conceivable martial art. The whole thing is poorly written, is all I mean.
1 Hard To Argue With Results
Most heroes end up having a “no goodbyes” policy, so that they don’t end up making some morally dubious choices. This is to make them more digestible for children, but not all heroes follow this policy. There are characters like The Punisher and Deadpool who think that the best way to deal with villains is to just straight up murder them. We are supposed to feel that this is the wrong choice, but how many repeating villains do those two anti-heroes have in their comics?
Maybe murder is the answer?
I hate to say something so callous, but how many innocent lives would have been saved if these sick lunatics had simply been put down? I’m a huge believer in rehabilitating people over punishing people, but these guys continually break out of the prison of mental institutions, just to go on murdering sprees all over again. Maybe just a little bit of aggression is needed, at least until the supervillains are gone.
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