We all suspend our disbelief a little bit when we read our comic books or watch our superhero movies. We just accept that an alien orphan is allergic to a rock, and that when said rock is different colors, he has different reactions to it. Sure. We accept that when a man is bitten by a radioactive spider, he gains powers that allow him stick to walls, not radiation poisoning or regular poisoning. We allow these things to slide since we desperately need to see stories about brightly colored goofballs throwing uppercuts into the jaw of some sort of human lizard. If we nitpick too much, we would rob ourselves of the beauty that is seeing a billionaire dress like a winged rodent and not get reported to the authorities by his aging butler.
But a lot of the time, the comic book industry asks a little too much from us. There's only so much flexibility the human mind can take, so we need to push back, lest our fragile little nerd brains break from the ridiculous logic that permeates comic books.
Enter the artists or the internet, creating memes and comics that point out the heavy flaws our favorite heroes seem to be blind to. Sometimes they criticize the logistics of being a hero, sometimes they point out the stunted mentality of the people that wear the tights. Or sometimes they just make an off-color joke about how stupid comic books really are. Remember, these all come from a place of love.
The main thing I took away from Thor: Ragnarok is that Thor loves snakes, so much so that he is compelled to pick them up and admire them. Loki is brilliant enough to capitalize on this and disguised himself as a snake, before popping up in his human form and stabbing his brother, hard. They were eight at the time. This whole story painted a wonderful picture for me, of two brothers that love each other and cannot stop ruthlessly attacking each other.
What better way to catch Thor off guard?
Thor is basically in love with his hammer, so he would never suspect that his best friend was actually his evil brother in disguise. I'm upset that I don't get to see Thor's face when his hammer turns into Loki. Let's all take a moment to appreciate the look of pure, devious joy on Loki's face.
There's a lot to digest here, so let's dive right in. We have a soaking wet Hank McCoy, revealing that he is in fact a skinny little dork. It's pretty darn hilarious — it would definitely put a different spin on how the rest of the series would play out.
And of course, there's Medusa. I think Medusa is useless at the best of times, so I would've assumed she'd be a complete hindrance when bald. Turns out, this artist figured out a workaround and had her simply grow out her armpit hair. And you know what, good for her. It's great to see a woman not adhering to the arbitrary rules of the patriarchy and doing her own thing.
What is Aunt May's secret? She seems to be aging in reverse! I did question the motivation behind making Aunt May so cripplingly attractive in the newest movie, since she is typically portrayed as a silver-haired old crone, but I'm not complaining since Marisa Tomei is incredible. Come to think of it, why would Aunt May be so old? Wouldn't she be the sibling of one of Pete's parents? And if he is only a teenager, that would make them closer to middle-aged?
The logistics check out.
When you examine it as a trend, though, it does seem like both Pete and Aunt May seem to be getting younger with each and every reboot. To be fair, though, Tobey Maguire was in his mid-twenties when he was playing a high-schooler, so it just seems more like modern films are actually hiring age-appropriate actors, which is cool.
I will never get tired of seeing Batman triumph over Superman. It's such a basic shut down, to point out that the world's "greatest hero" gets routinely taken down by a readily available stone. And sure, it is pretty funny when you think of Batman as being enemies with a simple clown, but we all know that is a misnomer. The Joker has a higher body count than Pennywise, so it isn't fair to give him such a diminutive label.
To be fair, Batman is kind of throwing stones in glass houses, here. He's criticising Superman's weakness to Kryptonite, when he himself is deathly allergic to bullets. And knives. And falling great distances. And fire. He's human, is what I'm saying. So calling the things that could hurt us our "greatest enemy" is an unfair comparison, since that would really mean that Bruce Wayne's greatest enemy is, I don't know, heart failure or something.
The newest trailer for the Venom movie was one of the worst trailers I have ever seen. A lot of scenes of what I assume is Eddie Brock just walking down the street. What every fan wants. And a voice-over that is actually so poorly written it sounds like a cheap fan edit. Oh yeah, and they don't say Eddie Brock's name at all in the entire video, which really makes me question how much of the film is actually finished if this is the footage they decided to show us.
And yeah, we don't see Venom at all, which is the dumbest thing you could do. Nobody tuned into that trailer to see Tom Hardy in a hospital gown or running through a forest. They want to see a symbiote suit tearing cops in twain, or maybe even a fistfight with Spider-Man. On that note, if he doesn't fight Spider-Man, Hollywood is broken.
Daredevil has always been somewhat sassy, when he isn't busy crying over Elektra or brooding at how tough it is to be him. And when he's sassy, he goes all out, even if it is an inner dialogue. Nobody is enjoying that sarcasm but himself, and that's just the way he likes it. You almost feel bad for the hapless fools who are so low on the threat list that they get disabled by the flip of a switch.
Why did they bring night vision goggles anyways?
They had to know they were going up against Matt Murdock, who is notoriously blind. And night vision goggles are just to see in the dark, leaving your opponent at a disadvantage. But against a blind person, flashlights provide an equal advantage, and that's assuming there wasn't a light switch for you to reach first. Honestly, these guys brought the least useful equipment one could bring against a blind dude.
The old bait and switch, a classic. You think that two frozen dudes who lived through WW2 would be doing the Jitterbug or some dumb thing. I don't know what was popular back then. Oh wait, they did the Lindy Hop, too. I know that one! Anyways, turning your expectations on their head is always funny, so seeing Bucky and Steve get swole to Lil' Jon is a good punch line
But I got a big question for you: Why would Bucky need to work out his left arm? You can't exactly build more metal muscle, know what I'm saying? And when the heck did these two ever have time to work out, from the moment they met back up in our century, they have been running away from the craziest things, up until Bucky got re-amputated by Iron Man. Maybe they just find the time in between huge tarmac throwdowns.
So I think it's canon in some versions of the comics that Raven Darkholme ends up having a secret baby with Azazel, but for the purpose of this comic, it is pretty funny to imagine Magneto as a blissfully naive new parent. He's usually too broody or plotting the destruction of humankind to ever have any fun, so it is nice to see him so excited about his new, blue, bouncing, bamf-ing baby boy.
How can he be so blind?
Also, this raises a ton of questions within the movie Universe. Did she have the baby in between First Class and Days of Future Past? I mean, she would have had to, since I'm pretty sure it was confirmed that Azazel was hunted down in between those two movies. So why did she give up Nightcrawler? Why does nobody talk about it? Don't you think that Magneto would have insisted on raising it within The Brotherhood of Mutants?
Who knew that a cheaply made, 1960s cartoon of Spider-Man would end up being a constant source of so many memes? I legitimately could have filled this entire article with people making fun of that stupid show, that's how completely saturated the Internet is with frames from the old show. Most of them don't criticise the quality of the show, and instead, take a frame out of context and make it a brand new joke.
This one points out the poor animation quality.
Seriously, that show was full of times when the animators just phoned it in. Peter will be swinging from a web that is clearly only attached to a cloud. His limbs and suit will change size and color at random intervals. And then you get stuff like this, where the animators wanted to convey that he was captured, but still wanted to give him the ability to use his hands. Or maybe it was just too hard to draw a rope around all his limbs.
So far, we have seen Groot, or the son of Groot, be present for the galaxy being saved twice. This doesn't take into account any wacky adventures he got into before we were introduced to him in the first Guardians of the Galaxy movie. So I can forgive a guy if he is a little unimpressed with seeing the world falling apart without him once again. As far as he is concerned, this is old hat. He stopped Ego the Living Planet when he was only about a foot tall.
Plus, you know, teenagers thin their social lives are the most important thing in the world. Or maybe he isn't on social media, and he's playing some sort of handheld video game, which is also a classic thing to do as a snotty youth. Either way, this is one of the most accurate depictions of a teenager I've seen in a film in a long time.
Let's be honest, as cool as Falcon is (and I think he is a lot cooler than we give him credit for) I don't think he's ready for his own movie. I would actually save that honor for later, when he hopefully takes over for Steve Rogers in the role of Captain America. No, we shouldn't give it to Bucky, because Bucky has brainwashing issues, and the last thing you need is a brainwashed Cap (just ask the current run of his comics.)
It does suck that a lame hero like Ant-Man got a movie first, but you have to admit that was a fun movie. I always thought going incredible small and talking to ants was a dumb power, but they made it seem plausibly useful. And visually, it made for a more dynamic movie than seeing a guy with wings flap around. On the other hand, Falcon uses guns, which makes him far more practical.
In case you don't know what the slang "nerf" means, it is the act of reconfiguring a character to make them less powerful. This is definitely something that She-Ra: Princess of Power needs. Not only is she inhumanely strong (some would say as strong as old Wonder Woman here) but she is also incredibly fast, and able to deflect incoming projectiles with her sword. Gosh, that power sounds familiar.
Her powers don't end there, either.
On top of all that, she has the ability to heal others ... and she is also a known empath, able to understand the thoughts and emotions of others easily. In case that wasn't enough of eclectic collection powers, she is also able to communicate with animals. She also transforms her pet horse into a pegasus/unicorn hybrid using the power of the magic stone inside her equally magic sword. The magic lasso doesn't seem so stupid now, does it?
This is almost certainly a reference to the time that Ghost Rider took down Galactus with a single Penance Stare, ending the fight with one shot, leaving the Fantastic Four and Thor looking flabbergasted. Who wouldn't love to see the big, bad Thanos laying down in a weeping pile of grape jelly after being given a dose of what Ghost Rider can dish out? That might be a redemption for those awful first two movies.
Who doesn't want to see more Nick Cage?
Of course, if you are familiar with the comics, you might know that Ghost Rider can't actually do the Penance Stare to Thanos, since that power requires the receiver to feel guilt, which Thanos doesn't. In fact, in one comic, Thanos doses himself with the Penance Stare every morning as a way to feel refreshed. He treats a demonic curse the way you or I might treat a shot of espresso.
Some of you may think that this comic is just being picky, but seriously, go look at other superhero posters. Look at the most recent one for The Defenders. Of the four heroes that are featured in the poster, on Jessica Jones is the one facing away from the camera, exposing her backside. It may not be as flaunting as the above example, but there is a serious trend of focusing on the curvature of women's bodies in posters, even when said woman is a central part of the cast.
Black Widow is probably the most gifted fighter of anyone in The Avengers, making up for her lack of powers with deadly martial arts skill and some sweet gadgets. And for advertising purposes, she is reduced to nothing but eye candy. And I get that Scarlett Johansson is beautiful, but so is literally every other cast member. Including Hulk and his rippling pectorals.
Seriously, all of the clues are right there, staring you in the face. And it only gets worse from there because Pete is going to go on to become a famous photographer, famous for being the one person who can get a good photograph of Spider-Man. Ignoring the huge ego it takes to make a living off of taking photos of yourself, but the moment Doctor Octopus saw the photography credit in the Daily Bugle, he would hunt down Peter Parker and ask him how he knows Web Head.
I the new MCU, Peter openly works for Stark Industries, which is run by one of the only superheroes with a publicly known secret identity. Peter Parker has a target on his back the size of that giant spider he actually does have on his back. Couldn't Tony have given him an apprenticeship in a shell corporation or something, to throw people off the scent even a little?
Those are bold words from someone who literally allied themselves with a sentient machine. I guess his progressive outlooks on what constitutes a friend or love stops when his sister is involved. Heck, this guy thinks normal humans are beneath him, of course he is going to hate a synthetic person marrying his sister.
Even when he was doing long monologues about the suffering of mutant kind, the on-screen version of him was still unbearable. And we are all supposed to be impressed with his redemption arc when he saves Hawkeye's life, but honestly, if it wasn't for him, Hawkeye wouldn't have been in danger anyways. So really he was just cleaning up his own mess, which isn't half as noble.
Gosh, is there anything that Foggy can't ruin? Can't Kingpin just take him out of the picture already so we get the double bonus of a better show and an insane with grief Daredevil? All Foggy adds to the whole dynamic is whining, literally all the time. Show me one example of Foggy not sucking the life out of the room. He's basically turned being a wet blanket into a super power.
But yes, Matt uses his powers poorly.
We all know that Matt would rather do a triple axle off of a rooftop and knee a mugger in the groin rather than camp outside a warehouse, hoping to hear the right name. He doesn't seem to be a very patient man, which is surprising since he studied Ninjitsu. At the same time, would you be tuning into a show about a man who uses his super-hearing to eavesdrop for hours on end?
Up until this point, I never really questioned the fact that Peter got a sweet onboard AI to help him with his web-slinging. I just thought Stark put that on board for everybody, but now that I look at it under a microscope, you never really see Rhodey have one, except when he gets patched into Jarvis. So why is that? It seems like Tony has enough of those fake personalities to go around, so why not throw one Rhodey's way? But there's a way bigger question I need answering.
Why doesn't everyone have parachutes?
When Tony fell through the wormhole, there should have been a parachute. When Rhodey fell after getting super zapped by Vision, there should have been a parachute. Peter's costume is skin tight and there seems to be room for it, so why doesn't everyone have at least strapped to them? I'm talking Black Widow, Black Panther, everyone.
At this point, I'm not really sure how the MCU heroes are going to take down a guy who can obliterate every conceivable law of physics. It's clear from the trailers that he clearly has the drop on both Vision and Doctor Strange, and both those guys can go intangible, so I think life in the universe is out of luck. So I think the only trick we have left is something that's so stupid it's brilliant.
We've already had a dope movie where the heroes won via dance-off, so is Ant-Man shrinking a golden god glove really that much more stupid? And yes, I'm aware that the gauntlet can resize itself to fit the hand of whoever wants to wear it, so shrinking it would be a futile effort. I'm just trying to think of a way to make Ant-Man useful in a fight that is rife with demigods and talking rodents.
I love these being bitten memes. There are so many combinations just waiting to happen out there that this joke could continue until the heat death of the universe. I focussed in on this one because it also pokes fun at another thing I detest, Snapchat filters. If I could just go 24 hours without seeing someone wearing a flower wreath, puking up sparkles or having an animal nose, maybe my batteries would recharge and my tolerance for them would go up. But they are everywhere. Seriously, if these did cool stuff like give you actual superpowers — I'd be on board in a heartbeat, but they don't. I guess you could call me bitter? Yeah, that about sums it up.
The consensus around the web is that at the end of the first Infinity War movie, we are going to see at least one major hero kick the bucket. As someone who has read a Thanos centric comic before, I'm going to agree, except I think it more likely that almost everyone will be turned into brightly colored ash, before a convenient McGuffin turns around and undoes the events of the film.
It makes sense that the most people are predicting that Tony Stark will be a part of that body count, since Robert Downey Jr. seems fed up with the franchise, and frankly, I'm fed up with Tony Stark. The same dude who felt zero backlash from the world about building Ultron is the same arrogant doofus who thinks that other people need to be held more accountable for their actions. I also highly question why he hasn't built Rhodey his own Hulkbuster Armor, something that would be supremely helpful in the fight against Thanos.
Batman has painted himself as something of a loner over the years. The people around him will get hurt if he brings them into his crusade, so he keeps a good distance between his loved ones and his war on crime. Too many times has he seen the people he cares about get hurt through his own reckless actions, and he will never make that mistake again.
Except he keeps making that exact same mistake.
He's gone through more Robins than a house cat, and the Bat-family keeps on getting bigger. Alfred, I could understand, and his youthful ward Dick Grayson kind of just shoehorned his way into the fold, but everyone after that was Batman clearly needing help. He's basically made his own Bat themed Justice League, which explains a lot, because I have always felt like he resented The League anyways. And despite surrounding himself with his own caped ninja party, he will still say he "works alone" any time the opportunity presents itself.
It's a reoccurring trend that if a bad guy is charming enough, they tend not to feel the consequences of their actions. At the end of X-Men: Apocalypse, after Magneto has a change of heart, he just simply parts ways with Professor X and glides off into the sunset. He did the same thing at the end of Days of Future Past. And wait, at the end of X-Men 3 he isn't locked up either. And in every single one of those movies, he has committed massive amounts of crime. And not victimless crime, major crime, deadly crime.
And so after Loki destroys huge chunks of New York, he spends a total of maybe a week in an Asgardian prison, and ever since then, he's just been mucking about the galaxy. He was King of Asgard, a guest of The Grandmaster, and now he's just kind of free. Not a great penal system.
I will never get tired of how supremely lazy the animators were for that old cartoon. They didn't even try to justify how Spider-Man would have been able to do something like this, like tuck in his knees or something. Sonic I get, because Hedgehogs already have the innate ability to turn themselves into an adorable ball. And Samus has space armor, which I assume gives her the ability to dislocate all of her joints at will.
The worst part is that they show his face and his smooshed up legs, which means that they thought they could get away with this image. It also means that they didn't think it was cool enough that he can pick up cars, stick to walls, and predict danger. No, they wanted to add to his roster of abilities, and the power they thought he needed in this exact scenario was to turn himself into a ball. Which is already Mr. Fantastic's go-to move.
Ooh, foreshadowing! Ultron commisioned Wanda's help to destroy the Avengers, telling her she would do it from the inside. What he meant was that she would do some freaky spell stuff to their brains, but what ended up happening was she became an Avenger. And in her tenure as an Avenger, she blew up some stuff accidentally, kicking off the events of Civil War.
Did she do it on purpose?
There's a very flimsy fan theory out there that Wanda orchestrated the events of Civil War because she still kind of hates The Avengers. I can see where that theory is coming from, since her hatred of Tony Stark and his weapons was never properly addressed and resolved, but it is a tough pill to swallow. She would have no way of knowing that the reaction to her blowing up that building would also coincide with Zemo setting up a plan to show off how Bucky ended Stark's parents.
Since Tony is an emotionally stunted man-child, it comes as no surprise that he relies on Pepper to do a lot of the cleaning up in his life. This concept was never more clear than when she wiped Aldrich Killian off the face of the Earth thanks to her newfound powers (which were promptly abandoned in any subsequent movies.) She keeps Tony's company running while he's busy playing metal dress-up, and she also puts up with his flirtatious shenanigans whenever he starts putting the moves on her.
Pepper is a redhead, right? I'm not taking crazy pills here? So I guess this artist decided they preferred Pepper Potts as a blonde (because they are SO underrepresented in movies, right?) Whatever, I guess that's the point of the artistic liberties. But outside of that, they pretty much nailed down the many facets of what it means to be Iron Man.
I'm not going to lie if She-Hulk gave me a compliment about my rear, I would collapse in a blushing and giggling pile of barely human embarrassment. She's already a brilliant and accomplished lawyer, so you know she's got a good head on her shoulders. Then there's the fact that she routinely kicks the living snot out of bad guys, so that's a catch. Then the fact that she can pull the armor off a tank, so unless you are intimidated by strong women, that's a huge plus.
And of course, she's gorgeous and always wearing her costume *blush*
She's a dream girl in every sense of the word, so if she was commenting on this stuff, that's enough to makehyperventilateilate, but if she commented on it, that's the kind of stuff that puts someone in a coma from blushing too much. Kudos on Wolverine for even having the guts to ask her to pull off the Fastball Special in the first place.
Apparently, there was a hashtag campaign asking Marvel to finally give Captain America a boyfriend. And of course, the Internet reared one of its' many heads like the dreaded HYDRA and instantly had huge chunks of people saying they hated the idea. Apparently there is no way that someone as rough and tumble as Steve Rogers could ever be playing for that team, right?
There's some compelling evidence.
And who really cares if this evidence is sometimes taken out of context? I've read comics for a big portion of my life, and Steve has never expressed a tonne of interest in the ladies. He has romances, with Sharon and Peggy Carter, and his neighbors or whatever, but really, it never seemed like a huge focus for him. Maybe the answer is that he hails from the 40s, which was exactly the most positive time to come out of the closet.
Here are the answers t the questions you never knew you needed to ask. Yes, Superman bombards his nethers with red sun energy just so he doesn't blow a hole in the wall when he pees. Yes, Martian Manhunter has bizarre junk, which is refreshing since they always depict aliens as having nearly identical anatomy to humans, which is stupid. The Atom once got flushed down the toilet, which is probably his greatest adventure, because he sucks as a hero.
Don't get me started on Batman.
Clearly, Bruce has a lot of unresolved mental issues involving both Bats and The Joker. And in case you weren't already picturing it, the implication here is that The Flash is running around with his unit out while going to the bathroom, just to challenge himself. Of course, Aquaman, being the lame one, does what every Dad does at an amusement park and just let's it all fly loose in the pool.
I'm pretty sure the main reason most people don't want to give the Blade movies the credit they are due is because they didn't age well. Well, I rewatched the first one recently, and it aged incredibly, for a movie about a guy named after they thing he uses. There's so much violence and swearing, it's incredible, and Wesley Snipes basically was Blade at that point. Even the second one, directed by Academy Award winning Director Guillermo Del Toro, was fun to watch.
Then the third movie happened.
I think we collectively erased the quality of the Blade trilogy from our minds because the third movie was so bad it reached backwards through time, like that photograph of Marty McFly's family. So then we forgot that we couyld have Black superheroes, or heroes that could swear and mutilate people, and then everything old is new again. Maybe Ryan Reynolds sabotaged that third movie on purpose...