I hear Hyrule is going through a drought right now. You’d assume as much given how thirsty everyone seems to be. Zelda fans have always been a horny bunch, or maybe I just move in social circles that perpetuate thirst like nothing else, but recent weeks have reached a new height of debauchery. Tears of the Kingdom is full of cuties, and I am looking very respectfully.
Nintendo has been drip-feeding us new character designs from the upcoming sequel for years now. Each trailer is normally accompanied by portraits of Link, Princess Zelda, and other familiar faces sporting new garb and hairstyles that represent the passage of time. I was immediately sold on Zelda’s shorter haircut and how it reveals more facial features, brightens up her expressions, and seems to represent a symbolic lifting of expectations thrust upon her by the Hylian monarchy. She’s grown, and is also very, very, very pretty.
Link is much the same, and remains an androgynous portrait of gender envy all of us should aspire to. His lack of speech remains a point of admiration, since his filtered communication is never once a detriment to his undying loyalty. It doesn’t feel like a lazy choice to keep him as a silent protagonist, but a creatively deliberate one. His random grunts, cheers, and other noises are wonderfully charming, and my headcanon often has him using sign language or being selective in his speech in ways that only serve to make him more endearing. Link is a himbo, twink, and wholesome cinnamon roll combo that I can’t help adore. What a good boy.
Then there’s Sidon, a hunky fish man with a heart of gold. He is Link’s best friend, and if the fanfiction I’ve read is any indication, also a whole lot more. Not only is he tall, buff, and can swim long distances at an Olympic level, Sidon would do anything for you. An unrivalled big spoon and the undisputed king of aftercare, he will treat you like a princess and immediately start talking about his favourite hobbies like the dorkiest fish man in the world. Tears will also have him fighting side by side with Link as the new King of Zora’s Domain. You know a man is reliable when he’s super friendly and balances the fragile rule of an underwater kingdom.
Ganondorf might be the winner of the Miss Hyrule competition this time around, though. Much like Zelda, Ganondorf can be seen donning a new outfit which either hints at a different time period or a civilization the trailers are yet to unveil. My bet is on the former, since it would make sense for the story to touch on how the cycle of banishing Calamity Ganon first began, and exploring if the Gerudo brick shithouse himself had something to do with battling against evil for the first time in Hyrule’s history. Also just look at him. Flowing crimson hair, bulging green muscles, chiselled abs, and a notable passion for fashion. He could throw me off Death Mountain into a pit of ravenous Bokoblins and I’d thank him for it. Hell, I’d climb back up and let him do it all again. Just look at him!
The fact I’m spreading my simpery far and wide when it comes to Tears of the Kingdom is not only a glaring admission of my relentless pansexuality, it’s also a testament to how the game is appealing to all demographics of thirsty fans. Some love Link. Some love Zelda. Some love Sidon. Some love everyone. I’m that last one, and just know that the sequel is going to pull me into a hole of fan art, fiction, and theories I will take literal years to escape from. I’m also here for their personalities however, knowing that Breath of the Wild no doubt delivered the most nuanced and well developed versions of characters this universe has yet to see. Tears is only going to build on that trajectory and make me fall in love all over again.