These days, Disney owns absolutely everything. It might even own me. I mean, I’m gay, but Disney has supported, acquired, promoted, and profited off queer content previously despite supporting the Don’t Say Gay bill, so you can’t rule it out. It’s difficult to see an upside to that level of ownership - sure, Simpsons, Star Wars, Marvel, and all the Fox movies are in one handy place on Disney+, but there are so few places for independent creativity these days, and it’s only getting worse.

However, I have something to make it all better: The Muppets. The Muppets will not save us as capitalism burns the world, but they might entertain us while we dance in the flames.

Related: How The Proud Family: Louder And Prouder Isn’t Afraid To Be "Unapologetically Black"

The Muppets have been going steady for quite some time now. Though they’re no longer at the ‘every lunchbox in the country’ level of saturation, their recent movies have been star studded relative hits, and have garnered positive reviews without ever becoming ‘must see’ smash hits. They’re fine. But they’re a far cry from The Muppet Christmas Carol or Muppet Treasure Island. They’re just The Muppets Do Stuff, and that’s not particularly inspiring.

Via hollywoodreporter.com

Public domain stories remain an option, but not one The Muppets have explored for a long time. A fan script for The Great Muppet Gatsby exists. Tom Sawyer, Don Quixote, and Dracula are all right there in the public domain, and they have a ready-made Dracula in the Count - although let’s be honest, they’d still have it be Kermit.

This is an old idea, hence the fan script. My proposal is slightly different, and it came to me during a drunken, late-night conversation with a friend, which is where all the best ideas come from - The Muppets should remake the Disney movies. All of them.

As you are probably aware, Disney isn’t content with buying other peoples’ ideas, it’s now also rehashing its own. These seem to make a lot of money, which explains completely why they’re happening, but does anyone actually like them? I’ve never heard any of them discussed positively, especially not in comparison to the original.

It hasn’t helped the heavy reliance on stunt casting. Will Smith is a major star, but he’s nothing like Robin Williams and therefore a ridiculous choice for Genie. A younger improv-heavy comedian could have done Williams justice while putting his own spin on things, but instead we get Will Smith partying like it’s still 1999. Emma Watson as Belle was another misfire. Though a popular actor, she’s not that good of a one, as her stilted and flat performance that paled in comparison to Saoirse Ronan and Florence Pugh in Little Women highlighted.

via 54disneyreviews.com

Nobody wanted a new Aladdin. Nobody wanted a new Beauty & the Beast. But let me suggest Animal as Genie. Interested? What about Miss Piggy as Belle? Try this one for size - Lilo & Stitch with Beaker as Stitch. You’re welcome. Of course, there would be diminishing returns. We were at least morbidly curious about the live-action remakes at first, before we quickly became bored. The Muppets movies would be better (dude, trust me), but would not last forever.

Fear not! They would not be limited just to the 50+ Walt Disney Animation pictures. Everything Disney owns would be fair game. Captain America: The Muppet Soldier, with Robert Redford remaking as the only human in the flick. Muppets Star Wars. Muppets Walking Dead. Muppets 24. Only Muppets in the Building. The list is endless.

via: screencrush.com

We typically talk of the Fox acquisition in squarely superhero terms - in buying Fox, Disney bought back the X-Men for Marvel. But this only highlights the superhero-centric way we discuss film these days. Disney now owns All About Eve (and soon to be All About Piggy). Paul Newman’s breakthrough feature The Hustler could be remade with Kermit in Newman’s role. We could have Muppet Patton. Muppet Alien. Muppet Titanic. Butch Muppety and the Muppet Kid. Unlike the Disney movies, which are intrinsically linked and therefore likely to bore an audience after a while, Fox’s catalogue has little in common besides the logo at the start of the credits.

Late last year, The Muppets had their first Disney crossover through Haunted Mansion. As a minor Halloween special based on a middle of the road IP, it didn’t really move the needle, but it could lead to more in the future. If it does, everyone needs to know I had the idea first.

Next: Mass Effect 3's Citadel DLC Was A High Point For Gaming