One of the best things about growing up nerdy in the ‘90s was playing my favorite games in arcades. Popping quarter after quarter in colorful arcade cabinets was a highlight for many a weekend for me. Although fighting games like Street Fighter and racing games like Crazy Taxi tended to get a large portion of my allowance, beat ‘em ups were always my favorite.

I have always had a giant spot in my heart for beat ‘em ups, so when my friend suggested we play the original version of The Simpsons Arcade Game online, my heart jumped for joy. The Simpsons Arcade Game, released by Konami in 1991, is one of the most popular and beloved arcade games ever created. However, as I jumped and attacked villain after villain with Lisa’s jump rope, a harsh realization happened that saddened my inner child - this game is not good.

Like most arcade games, the story is not the most important factor of the game, as most arcade patrons are focused on quickly beating the game and getting a high score. Therefore, most beat ‘em ups try to stick with a very simple story line - the protagonist is looking to destroy an antagonist, while fighting antagonist’s minions along the way. However, in the Simpsons’ game, the story was illogical, it wasn’t even close to being canonical to anything in the Simpson’s cartoon.

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The Simpson Arcade Game

The game starts off with Mr. Smithers, Mr. Burns’ devoted assistant, stealing a diamond. The diamond goes careening into the sky and lands into the mouth of the most adorable Simpson - Maggie, of course - who uses the jewel as a pacifier. Smithers then kidnaps the tot, however, the rest of the family - Marge, Homer, Lisa and Bart - are hot on his heels. Smithers then sends wave after wave of henchmen to attack the family all over Springfield until the final battle ends with them battling Smithers and an immensely overpowered version of the elderly, frail Mr. Burns in a variety of high-tech robot suits.

Other than the weird story, I very much disliked how clear it was that no one was supposed to actually beat the game without spending a lot - and I mean A LOT - of money. When I recently played, I was accompanied by three other friends. These friends are considered to be elite gamers. However, during the eight levels of gaming, we all got pulverized. With every level came more and more henchmen. At one point, we each were fighting a large amount of villains by ourselves. As we experienced virtual death after virtual death, I started to calculate how much money it would have been to play this game in an arcade. It came out to approximately $50 each, totally about $200, which is probably why I don’t know anyone who has actually ever beaten the game.

At the end of the game, when the family is finally reunited again and the credits rolled, I did not feel a sense of completion - I felt like I had been had. I realized that I really did not have fun playing the game, I had just enjoyed the characters. Seeing Marge wield a vacuum cleaner and bash evildoers in the face was a delightful experience, but the actual gameplay wasn’t.

One of the most disheartening things about taking trips down memory lane is realizing that some of the things you loved were never really that good, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t revisit them. I plan on playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time soon and potentially breaking my own heart again.

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