Tomb Raider: 25 Things That Make No Sense About Lara Croft

It's safe to say that Lara Croft is a household name. In fact, it is rare to find a female video game protagonist with as much recognition as her. I guess it's just a coincidence that she's attractive and has an unrealistic body type, but I digress. Thankfully, it is not just her image that has called many fans to her stories. The Tomb Raider series has long been an industry standard for what an adventure game should be, and with the success of the recent reboot, it looks like Lara Croft's legacy will continue.

Croft is a kind of Indiana Jones meets James Bond, but she brings so much more to the table. She comes from an aristocratic and wealthy family that got rich from the lucrative business of archaeology, she is skilled in multiple forms of combat that have no connection to each other, and she has the remarkable ability to survive wounds and athletic feats that would leave most people crippled. Oh, I'm sorry, do all those things combined sound a tad unbelievable. That's because they are.

Despite being a household name/game, Lara Croft's Tomb Raider is a study in nonsense. I love her games, don't get me wrong. In fact, I'm currently replaying the 2013 Tomb Raider, and I think it's phenomenal. But that doesn't mean that I don't think the character of Tomb Raider can be a bit...implausible. If you do not believe me, just wait till you see what we've got on this list. Read on if you want to learn how Lara Croft simply does not make sense.

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25 The Whole Dual Pistols Thing

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I highly doubt most of us gamers have held actual dual pistols in our hands, but even couch potatoes like us can think about their use with some plain common sense.

Dual pistols are in no way more accurate than a single pistol.

Lara Croft's signature look with a pistol in each hand makes no logical or tactical sense. And accuracy aside, just imagine what it would be like to actually reload those things. No way are two pistols able to be reloaded as quickly as Croft reloads her guns.

24 The Plots For Most Of Her Games

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Anyone who has played games from the Tomb Raider series will be familiar with this pattern. Lara wants to find this mythical archaeological artifact that has been separated into several pieces that could cause the world's end if put together. Some bad guy wants it too. Lara has to scramble to find several pieces before the bad guy.

Unfortunately, the bad guy steals them from her and sets the destruction of the Earth in motion. Lara then has to destroy the artifact in order to prevent global catastrophe. One question: Why doesn't Lara just destroy an artifact when she first finds it?

23 Is This Really Realistic?

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I've never come across a body type like Lara Croft's in the real world. And by the "real world," I mean not in the movies or in video games. The earlier you go in Tomb Raider's history, the more unrealistic she looks.

In the first few games, her top size was nearly double her waist size.

I know Lara's look is what some gamers come to the Tomb Raider series for, but they should know they are drooling after something that doesn't exist outside of those pixels.

22 Has She Gotten A Tetanus Shot?

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Right off the bat, the 2013 reboot of the Tomb Raider series let us know that they were taking a grittier and more survival-oriented look at Lara Croft. After being captured by this random dude, wrapped in a body bag, and tied to the ceiling, Lara escapes by burning the bag and falling down.

Unfortunately, she falls right onto a rusted metal spike that was covered in dried blood. That can't be sanitary. Lara should not have survived that initial blow, let alone the raging infection that should have plagued her afterwards.

21 Alien Life: Confirmed

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Tomb Raider, apparently, does not solely take you to ancient ruins and underground caverns. (You know, typical places you would expect a tomb to be.) Lara Croft has had to break into Area 51 in order to steal Element 115 from those shady government types.

I'm sorry, but when did my archaeology adventure game turn into a sci-fi shooter? Tomb Raider definitely pulled a Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, if you know what I mean.

20 How Many Hobbies Does Lara Have?

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I get that Lara Croft comes from a rich family, so she would have the money and the opportunity to learn many skills. But let's just look at all that she can do for a moment. She can rock climb, shoot a gun and a bow and arrow, ride a motorcycle, stitch tapestries, perform extreme skiing, and more.

And that is just the physical aspect of her hobbies. She also has an extensive knowledge of languages, archaeology, and basic survival skills. In many Tomb Raider games, we meet her when she's a young girl. When did she learn all this?

19 Thanks For The Helping Hand

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In any Tomb Raider game where Lara has allies, they do surprisingly little to help her. You would think people in a life-threatening situation would try to do more to improve their own situation, but it seems like every time, they are content to let Lara do all the heavy-lifting.

How is she not more ticked off at these "friends" of hers? Even in the new games, her allies do not assist in completing objectives nearly as much as they should. They kind of just camp out waiting for Lara to be a total hero.

18 Questionable Treatment Of Butlers

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In Tomb Raider 2 and 3, players could lock Winston the creepy butler, who followed Lara around Croft Manor, in the freezer. This was a small and funny activity gamers could participate in. This has actually become canon.

In DLC for Rise of the Tomb Raider, a document can be found where it is revealed that when Lara was a young girl, she locked Winston in the freezer as a form of rebellion. I find this inclusion of fan habits endearing, but I do wonder if it's okay for young Lara to be portrayed as a burgeoning psychopath.

17 Worst Time To Have Narcolepsy

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Lara was understandably exhausted in the beginning of the 2013 Tomb Raider game. She had just survived a shipwreck, being captured by an island inhabitant, and receiving a ghastly wound to her abdomen.

But later on, when she was finally reunited with her friend Sam and a strange old man named Mathias, was that the best time for a nap? Lara falls asleep while Sam and Mathias are talking, and when she wakes up, the two of them are gone. Definitely not the best time or place to fall asleep.

16 Survival Of The Youngest

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In one version of Lara's background, she survives a plane crash with her mother when she is nine years old. The two of them had been flying over the Himalayas when the plane crashed. After making her way out of the wreckage, Lara trekked her way to the village of Katmandu. Once there, she called her father for help.

Lara is officially a wunderkind. Not only did she miraculously survive the plane crash, but she also survived journeying through deep snows and intense cold.

15 God Of Thunder

via: deviantart.com (Jay-Kennedy)

Tomb Raider has had some weird moments. (Go check the Area 51 entry on this list if you don't believe me.) One of those moments was when Lara had to assemble the different pieces of Mjolnir. And yes, the Mjolnir we're talking about here is Thor's hammer. And yes, the Thor we're talking about here is the Norse God of Thunder.

Video games usually stretch the limits of your imagination, but Tomb Raider seriously stretches the limits of my credulity.

14 Her Failures

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The 2013 Tomb Raider decided to give gruesome its time to shine. For some reason, they decided to emphasize Lara's survivalist roots by having her demises be especially graphic. And the worst part was that a lot of these moments were determined by quick time events.

Missed that button press? Uh-oh, looks like you got flattened by a boulder. Didn't move the left stick in time? Whoops, guess you're going to get impaled by a pole. Didn't dodge correctly? Guess a freaking wolf is going to tear your throat out.

13 Outfit Of The Day

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No one can deny that Lara Croft handles dangerous situations with a deft touch and a tough attitude. She's always prepared for a fight with whatever baddies are guarding that next tomb. But is her exterior as prepared as her interior? She's got guts, but does she have the wardrobe?

No self-respecting raider of tombs would wear such a skimpy outfit for potentially rigorous activities. At the very least, Lara could put on some pants to prevent some serious scraping.

12 Great Timing For Family Problems

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In yet another iteration of Lara Croft's story, she endured that fateful plane crash on her own. She was twenty-one years old instead of nine, and her parents were both alive and well and safe at home.

After surviving that harrowing experience, Lara came home a different person. She longed for adventure instead of a cushioned, wealthy life. And her parents disowned her for it! What kind of parents disown their daughter after she's been through a traumatic plane crash?!

11 Casualties Of Tomb Raiding

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When you're younger and you're playing a Tomb Raider game, you don't really focus on the bad guys you are just annihilating out of your way, especially when you're playing a Tomb Raider game that involves dual pistols.

But if you stop to think about it, Lara should be horribly traumatized by all the violent hardships she has had to survive in pursuit of archaeology. The newer Tomb Raider games are just exploring this, so here's hoping they handle the situation appropriately.

10 Such An Interest In Archaeology

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In Tomb Raider games, archaeology sounds a lot more adventurous than it really is. Not only are the artifacts that Lara searches for highly unbelievable, but the adoration and media attention her exploits garner are unbelievable as well.

Take the 2013 Tomb Raider game. The game's resident jerk, James Whitman, thinks that finding the lost tomb of Himiko will bestow upon him fame and fortune. Name me one real archaeologist who's famous. And Indiana Jones doesn't count.

9 Slow And Steady, Not Fast And Wild

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Speaking of how unbelievable fame and notoriety for archaeologists is, let us also take a look at how Lara Croft practices archaeology in the field. Archaeology does not involve leaping over precipices or sliding down slippery canyons.

It also does not mean investigating and plundering historical sites while trying to complete magic rituals. In fact, I think messing with ancient structures and artifacts is pretty bad archaeologist etiquette.

8 The Histories Of Lara Croft

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Lara Croft has changed over the years, her appearance as well as her backstory. As you may have noticed, I have referenced several iterations of Lara Croft's history while compiling this list of nonsensical Tomb Raider moments.

Video game-wise, Lara Croft has three versions of herself.

If you include comic book and film versions of her story, you have yourself even more iterations. What's odd about this is that the iterations feel so similar to each other, it makes you wonder why separate versions of her history are needed.

7 That Belongs In A Museum

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If you wander around the halls of Croft Manor in Tomb Raider, in the corner of one of the ornate rooms, you will find the Ark of the Covenant. This is clearly a reference to Indiana Jones, a character that Lara Croft was partially based on.

But seriously, did Lara recover the Ark of the Covenant and then just decide to keep it for herself? Are there no regulations to keep this kind of behavior in check? I don't think that Indiana Jones would approve of Lara's little keepsake.

6 No Trust Exercises

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A pretty typical inclusion in the Tomb Raider games is the "unexpected" betrayal of Lara from someone she trusts. From Lara's perspective, sure, these betrayals may come as a surprise, but honestly, from the get-go, gamers can usually suss out who will be the untrustworthy ones.

And after a while, shouldn't Lara constantly be on the alert for the next person who is going to betray her? Take Mathias from the first game. He just looked sinister, but Lara was okay sleeping in front of him.

5 Lara's True Inspiration

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Imagine if the future course of your life was determined by a stray glance at a magazine cover. That's exactly what happened to Lara Croft. In one iteration of her backstory, she came across a National Geographic magazine and was so enamored of an article based on archaeology, she begged her rich father to help set her up with an expedition.

So if you think about it, National Geographic is the reason why Lara Croft got into archaeology and ended up saving the world multiple times.

4 Her Father's Decisions

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In the latest video game iteration of Tomb Raider, we found out that Lara and her father had a rather estranged relationship. After the passing of his wife, Lord Croft became obsessed with finding out the secret to immortality. Lara considered him a fool for it.

One night, after she argued with him about this, he ended it all. Is it just me, or is that morbidly ironic? The man who was obsessed with everlasting life eventually decided to end it all.

3 The Legendary Sword Of Excalibur

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Mjolnir is not the only artifact out of myth that Lara Croft has gone after. In Tomb Raider: Legend, the ancient sword of King Arthur is crucial to the plot. How, you might ask?

It is used as a tool to open a gateway to the underworld.

Look, I have no problem if you want to send Lara Croft out to find Excalibur. That's a pretty nifty archaeological find. But when you tell me that Excalibur is no longer just a sword but is now a key to a mystical portal, I have to put my foot down.

2 You Got Bigfoot, Too?

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Lara Croft just tops herself in ridiculousness. Before the events of her first game, you learn that Lara had found and hunted down Bigfoot.

How on Earth is hunting Big Foot even remotely related to archaeology?

Bigfoot can exist in the Tomb Raider universe, I have no immediate problem with that. But what is a supposed archaeologist doing prowling after a mythical creature?! And what is a magazine doing by non-facetiously reporting this event?

1 Little To No Serious Therapy

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Aside from the newest Tomb Raider games, none of the others really delve into the trauma that Lara Croft has experienced. The earlier games have Lara deal with the loss of friends, the end of the world, the disappearances of her parents, and the betrayals of supposed allies.

And yet, she maintains her wit and charm through it all. I mean, if I was partially responsible for sending my mother through a time portal and causing my father to disappear while searching for her, I would need some therapy sessions.

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