Trombone Champ has taken the world by storm. The rhythm game went viral due to its Mii-like character’s erratic movements and the intentional hilarity of dozens of duff notes. While actual brass players may be able to hold a decent tune, the rest of us have to revel in our poor attempts at the Sugar Plum Fairy or Beethoven’s Fifth.
While I’m partial to a little classical music myself – I recommended modding a Tchaikovsky tune into Metal: Hellsinger just last week – my best efforts would have been downright offensive if any of the composers were alive to hear them. On my first attempt at the game, I got a C rank in the tutorial. The tutorial. It’s literally just playing scales. I play guitar, I should be able to play a scale on a virtual trombone! But it’s harder than it looks, and that’s a big part of the comedy. It wouldn’t be half as funny if we were all great at it, would it now?
But Trombone Champ reminded me of another game: osu!. It’s not a game I’ve played, but I’ve seen plenty of streamers click along with it while they queue for ranked modes in League, Valorant, and Apex Legends. It’s not quite an aim trainer like KovaaK’s, but the rapid clicks and mouse twitches in time with high-tempo J-pop tunes seem to be a popular way of improving your ability to click heads when needed.
So would Trombone Champ work the same? After all, you move your mouse up and down and click to the beat – it’s mechanically very similar to osu!, if more comedic and simple. There was only one way to find out, so I put my theory to the test.
I spent an hour practising on Trombone Champ. Once you get the hang of it, things get easier. The fact that your mouse is inverted (I couldn’t find a way to change it, despite being told it is possible) is the most complicated aspect of the game, as you have to rewire everything you’ve ever taught your brain. You know, mouse down, cursor down, that sort of thing. Not with Trombone Champ. Mouse down, cursor up. Thanks for that.
Despite my inversion issues, my hour of apparent aim-training on Trombone Champ was good fun. Even Auld Lang Syne gets a funky little disco section, and I think Mozart would be proud of the trap remix of Eine Kleine Nachtmuzik. Most of my ranks fluctuated around C – even on the really hard levels – but I got a smattering of As in there too, with the likes of Also Sprach Zarathustra (you know, from Space Odyssey) and God Save The K*ng, despite holding in vomit throughout the latter.
After my hour was up, I turned to Apex. My plan was thus: play ten solo queue matches, and measure my average damage statistic and K/D ratio against my average to see if Trombone Champ has improved my performance. Scientific.
I picked Bloodhound, partially because they’re not that popular any more, so I doubted they’d get picked before me by my random teammates. I’m also still debating whether or not to spend my heirloom shards on their iconic axe.
My teammates inevitably dropped hot, sending us to Cascade Falls and The Mill right off the bat. Even when we won some fights, third parties cleaned us up, meaning that only one of my matches lasted for over ten minutes. You can probably see where this is going. I didn’t have a great ten matches, and even when I fought well, my teammates either quit out or kept dying. Sometimes your own team is your toughest opponent.
My average damage came out at an embarrassing 180.7, way down on my lifetime average of 239.15 (I only solo queue, allow it). It’s even lower compared to my Season 14 average, which sits at 292.23. My lifetime K/D is 0.51, and Season 14 0.61, which is also far above my post-Trombone ratio of 0.4. It’s worth noting that when the map rotated to World’s Edge, I was far more proficient, averaging a more respectable 278.66 damage with a 0.66 K/D.
Overall, Trombone Champ is not only an ineffective aim trainer, but actively makes you worse at first-person shooters. Whether my methodology was wrong or my testing insufficient – or, more likely, the inverted mouse controls messing with my trigger finger – I’ll never know. But there’s one final aspect of Trombone Champ that was worthwhile practice for Apex.
As you play through songs, you earn some kind of currency. I can’t remember if they’re just brass coins or have some fancy name, but you can use them to open packs of randomised cards. These cards depict famous musicians and composers, detailing how many hot dogs they could eat in one sitting. It’s infuriatingly unfunny, but I pulled some nice-looking treble clefs and trombones, and in the process realised that maybe Trombone Champ was preparing me for something else.
During my ten matches, I acquired two Apex Packs – otherwise known as loot boxes or surprise mechanics. I opened them with anticipation, wondering if my practice in Trombone Champ had given me a hefty slice of luck. The packs contained four white-rarity items (commons), and two blue-rarity items (uncommons). That’s basically the bare minimum. Trombone Champ didn’t even help here. I didn’t need training in opening loot boxes anyway, I’ve already got my heirloom shards.