I've spoken with my former college professors about this, and they all seem to agree – from our flawed human perspectives, time is a linear thing. I tell them I think that's dumb, and they tell me in return to try to remember past events in vivid detail. "You can't," one of them remarks, "because the more linear time has passed since the event, the fewer details your brain will have retained."

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My perfect counterpoint, however, rests with my immaculate memory of classic video game intros. I've not yet approached my professors with this revelatory evidence, but I'm confident that heads will turn when I do. You see, I recall each and every second of the most graphically gorgeous video game intros in history. My mind still studies every inch of every frame. These video game opening sequences are immaculate. They're beyond beautiful. They are immortally jaw-dropping.

Allow me to show you empirical proof that I have transcended linear-time perspective.

Updated on December 27, 2022 by Quinton O'Connor: I added even more intros I swear looked better at the time so that you can believe me even more than you did before.

10 Sonic 3D Blast (Sega Genesis And Sega Saturn, 1996)

Somebody linked me to the wrong clip. This isn't right, none of this is right. Sonic's supposed to sprint so fast the whole screen's a blur. The road he's on is supposed to have some semblance of texture. And for hotdog's sake, that blue bird that Sonic rescues isn't supposed to stare at the camera for several seconds with a look that screams "I just saw one of those sad abandoned pet commercials and I feel an instinctive need to help, but I'm a bird and have no money, so basically, life is despair."

I've determined that this must simply be the wrong video.

9 Civilization 4 (PC, 2006)

The Earth looks like Earth! See, this one's real.

Uhh, the galleys look a little off. I think it's the video compression, you know, I've heard YouTube compresses things and that compression is bad, and it compresses the truth. That... must... surely be why the drummers at this palace all have the same exact face and aren't actually drumming. It's likely why the crowd at this inauguration ceremony thing all looks fake, that's what happens when you compress the truth.

I used to tell myself the dude getting crowned at the end is Aragorn, and I'm certain it's because his face looked like Viggo Mortensen's, but they won't show his face here? The back of his head is this vaguely-textured thing? It's surely because YouTube's compression algorithm systematically targets falsehood. I don't even hear Baba Yetu!

8 The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time (Nintendo 64, 1998)

You guys can't fool me, this is just a low-budget fan tribute to the opening for Twilight Princess.

No, but seriously, it's weird. I'm looking at this. And I'm thinking. "Modern Pokemon games have N64 graphics for trees." Because that's the in thing to say, right? That's what everybody is saying. But then I'm looking at the trees here. And I'm looking at those modern Pokemon games again. And then I'm looking here again. Back and forth. Back and forth again.

N64 graphics are worse than any of us remembered.

7 Final Fantasy 7 (PlayStation, 1997)

Aerith's face is, like, it doesn't look like a face, but I distinctly remember it looking a heck of a lot like a face. I also think her hair could stab me? Something's a bit off with the music as well. Can I blame YouTube, it sounds a bit tinny? Where are all the helicopters?

What the hell just jumped out of this train? Oh snap, I don't know what that is, but it totally dropped kicked the red thing like a broken Tetris block! I'm honestly kind of into this. Wait, that's Cloud! I can tell because of the hair! This is some YouTube compression, the algorithms, what's that guy's name, this is Mark Zuckerberg's fault, why is it all so low-res?

Never mind, I found the real thing.

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6 Star Trek: Starfleet Academy (PC, 1997)

That garish red font in the credits has got to go. I'm willing to accept that, perhaps, I misremembered the font. Who wouldn't? It's bad enough for the mind to play tricks upon itself as a survival mechanism.

Beyond that? This is beaut – wait, why does Starfleet Academy's main hall look fascist? Why are its campus grounds the inspiration for Windows XP's default desktop theme? I thought surely the Battle of Naboo was to blame for that one? That's not a real building! Neither is that one! Why do all the cadets look like they've been melted into their seats?

Who melted the cadets?

5 Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic (Xbox and PC, 2003)

Gene Roddenberry may have trolled me with a fake vid, but I have absolute faith in George Lucas.

The starships look gr - why is Darth Malak's body sort of... glowing? Bit rate, I read about bit rates, YouTube bit rate, if it's a low bit rate then the whole thing's a wash, it'll make Darth Malak's body glow.

Okay, there's no way that "get on those gun turrets" part 24 seconds in is real, my man Carth did not just casually lift his polygon-arm up like he's hailing a taxi, why aren't any of these lightsabers killing anybody, why is everyone swinging their stuff around like their target is the opponent's blade and not their body, why are there no more than six animations in this entire trailer? Wait, Darth Malak is still glowing, and why his head is stuttering?

Are "demakes" truly so popular in 2022?

4 The Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim (Insert Joke About How It's On Every Console Ever, 2011)

My old computer did a death rattle and I had to put a fresh installation on my new laptop. I'm going to play Skyrim "vanilla" this time, the same way I did back in November 2011. I'm excited to see the game untainted by meddlesome fan communities.

Hang on, I can't see anybody's face? Did I accidentally click on monochrome mode? How did they manage to make the snow look this bad? Oh thank Talos, I see a few colors now, the trees are a lovely shade of green and sh – what is wrong with his face? What is wrong with their faces? Why do their faces look like not-faces?

I'm finally awake, but I want to go back to sleep! My laptop must have a bad battery in it, its Graphics RAM must be out-of-date! Everyone's face is a disease!

Everyone's face is a disease!

3 The Legacy Of Kain: Blood Omen (PlayStation, 1996)

Booting up my PlayStation now to set things to rights. This was the coolest thing since sliced bread. In 1996. I thought the red text on black background in the beginning was the cure to all my woes with contemporary society. "Everybody is using white backgrounds and Times New Roman text. Crystal Dynamics, though, that studio is throwing up some Korn lyrics from Myspace dot com."

Oh dear. That man just impaled himself. Question mark? I think? No, there was another man. Now there's a Stargate and Professor Xavier. Impalement! It happened again! And now... uh, run away, old man! Run far away. Oh. Darn. Skeleton. Blood. Scales. Oh! Blood on the scales. There's a woman on the screen now!

I swear this looked better in 1996.

2 Vagrant Story (PlayStation, 2000)

Why am I blushing uncontrollably...?

1 Final Fantasy 15 (PlayStation 4, 2016)

I recall I rented a movie before watching this game's intro. That movie was Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy 15. It wasn't very good narratively, but it was pretty. One might say it was the intro to Final Fantasy 15.

I didn't rent Kingsglaive this time. The graphics here remain solid, actually. For once, I can actually say that. There's just one problem.

Without the movie, there is no intro. The game just kind of happens.

And for that, dear friends, I can swear beyond doubt that Final Fantasy 15's intro... looked better at the time.

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