With the New Year right around the corner, it’s time to think about New Year’s resolutions. Will you go to the gym more often in 2023, finally start writing that book you’ve been thinking about for years, or maybe actually tackle the backlog of games you’ve sworn you’ll finish for three years running?
Whether you keep them or not, it’s exciting to think of your goals for the coming year ahead. Instead of coming up with my own New Year’s resolutions (there’s no way I can fail them if I don’t have them in the first place, right?), I’ve thought about what these video game protagonists can strive to achieve instead.
8 Link: Less Time Collecting Korok Seeds, More Time Saving Zelda
Compared to previous iterations of the Hero, the Link in Breath of the Wild isn’t exactly a man on a mission. He may have had a 100-year slumber, during which Hyrule was left in ruins thanks to Calamity Ganon, but does that mean he’s going to rush into Hyrule Castle right away? Unless you’re doing a challenge run of the game, probably not.
Instead, Link takes his sweet time exploring every nook and cranny the kingdom of Hyrule has to offer. Whether he’s climbing the beautiful Hebra mountains, relaxing at the fishing village of Lurelin, or trekking the harsh Gerudo Desert, Link always has one thing on his mind: Korok seeds. No stone is left unturned, quite literally. Perhaps this year, Link should stop procrastinating and make Zelda a priority. Just a thought.
7 Squall Leonhart: Wear More Belts
Final Fantasy characters are known to have some, let’s say, questionable fashion, but you know what? Squall works those belts. He’s giving the 2006 mall goth look a run for its money, so why shouldn’t he go all in? A couple more belts on his outfit can only enhance his look, after all.
His Kingdom Hearts design already got the ball rolling, adding some belts around his forearm as well as his waist, so there’s ample opportunity for Squall to make the most of his favourite accessory. Perhaps he could wear a belt as a choker next?
6 Isabelle: Take A Break, Please
Even though you, the player, are technically the protagonist of Animal Crossing, we all know it’s Isabelle who’s the star of the show, and the one who actually keeps things running behind the scenes. Without her, Redd would run amok, and everything would fall apart. And that’s exactly why she needs to take a break.
In New Horizons, she literally never leaves her post in Resident Services. Playing at 11pm and want to change your town tune? She’s there. Playing at 3am and want to complain about a villager? She’s still there. Seriously, when does she get to sleep? I’m aware she is a video game dog, but I am concerned. Someone free her, please, and make her take a break in 2023.
5 Mae Borowski: Actually Go To Band Practice
Okay, this one may be on me and my absolute lack of musical talent, but when I played Night in the Woods, Mae completely sucked at band practice. Gregg and Bea looked at Mae with disdain as she missed note after note. Had she ever actually played bass before? Who is this imposter who’s pretending to be a band member?
For 2023, Mae should dedicate more of her time to band practice. Clearly, those handful of times in the game weren’t enough for her (or me).
4 Ness: Put Porky In His Place
As the main character of Earthbound, Ness is a sweet and kindhearted boy without contempt for anybody. However, there is one person he should have contempt for: Porky Minch. Just writing his name fills me with contempt.
When I thought we were going to have a smooth ride to Summers on a helicopter, but Porky swooped in at the last moment to swipe it from us, oh, I’ve never felt more angry at a child. So Ness, please, put Porky in his place in 2023. For me.
3 Sunny: Spend More Time With Friends
Let’s get serious for a second. Omori has a poignant narrative about forgiving yourself for your past actions and letting your friends in — there’s no good to come from wallowing alone in your sadness.
At the end of the game’s true route, we see Sunny finally open up to his friends about what happened, and start to make amends. We don’t see what happens after this, though. Sunny still moves away, but that doesn’t mean he never has to see his childhood friends again. He should make time to see them if he can, and cherish those bonds forever. Maybe that’s a New Year's resolution that we can all try to keep, too.
2 Sonic The Hedgehog: Take Things A Little Slower
As Ferris Bueller once said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Sonic is always moving at a million miles an hour (or however fast it is that he actually goes), so he could be missing out on a lot. He should stop and smell the roses once in a while, or, you know, walk at a normal pace.
It’s not always about the destination — it’s about the journey you go on to get there. Maybe Sonic should go on a few journeys in 2023, without trying to get to the last stop as soon as possible.
1 James Sunderland: Maybe Don’t Kill Your Wife
Looks like James already broke his New Year’s resolution… well, there’s always 2024, right?